Comments | darius

darius_smoke

1

May 22, 2008 21:40

Waking came suddenly as the door down the hall slammed on its hinges and footsteps sounded loudly on the inlayed wood slats. The room was very cold far below 60 degrees and yet the furnace had not yet kicked on. I sat up and rubbed my eyes and pulled tightly my white fleece to me as the door to my room opened gently and my grandfathers head ( Read more... )

Comments 4

kuroibara May 25 2008, 05:41:25 UTC

Good start, I like the mood you've set. You're getting better at building a scene and I think you are on your way to becoming a decent writer. My only bit of advice would be to proofread a little, even for these sorts of test-run kinda things just to get in the habit and practice.
Oh and pleeease fix this one thing if nothing else:
vein - a vessel for carrying blood
vain - without avail, of no consequence

kuroibara May 28 2008, 04:45:20 UTC

You need to find yourself in Huntington sometime in the near future... with manicured facial hair and an array of outfits.

... darius_smoke May 31 2008, 18:41:21 UTC

Well perhaps you should find yourself in huntington with manicured nails and a lack of outfits.*) If you intend to steal my image and my soul with the help of Ms. Bell I would be honored to attend. If I may ask however, what would be the desired outfits, more common and modern attire or some of my real cloths.

Re: ... kuroibara June 2 2008, 19:19:16 UTC

a little fantasy, a little reality, a little in between... Seriously though, whatever you have that you think you look dashing/interesting/mysterious/outdoorsy in, because we could end up anywhere from graveyards to Greenbottom.