A Rare real rambly Joe Livejournal Update
So there's this bench where I eat lunch most days, sometimes even when it's raining, snowing or windy. I mainly go there for the solitude, I like to spend my lunch hour alone, always have. Just a chance to detangle, both myself and my thoughts from the day, the week or whatever is on my mind at that minute. Today though I had a sort of minor epiphany, like a brain fart that releases mental build up. It was something that sounds obvious but seems to go unnoticed by most, myself included. Life stinks less and is a lot clearer when you take your head out of your damn ass and look around you.
As you may or may not know (or indeed care) I became single again a little under three months ago now. Now the last time I was single, it lasted three years, pretty much to the day. Three years of nothing more serious than a weekend guest. Problem is this is not three or even five years ago and the first thought to pass through my head when I broke off my relationship was, good god don't let me be single for another three years! And I'll admit, even now the idea scares the jeebus out of me. I'm thirty five years old and already feel like one of those sad, trying to be eternally young wankers you see so often and that's only after a couple of months, I think after a couple of years I'd have to smother myself with a pillow. Don't get me wrong, I've had a wee bit of fun over the last few months, my housemates can testify to that, problem is I'm not really into it anymore, I just get bored and start thinking odd things like why am I letting this boring/unpleasant/horrible person in my bed. I'm either getting old or I'm turning INTO a woman. So after a long chat with Mr Fuzzy, I determined I wasn't going to let my fear get the better of me and cause me to blunder into something I really didn't want or or rush into anything. Not to as it were, jump into the first taxi I see, but wait and check if it's going to take me where I want to go rather than waste a journey.
Having said that there's been plenty of attention, some of it welcome and some of it less so. I've had my head so far up my own ass though worrying about what I was doing and with who, about who I was letting into my bed or my life that I never stopped to think was I focusing on all of this so much because I wanted to? Or because I felt I HAD to? In every area of my life in the last few years, I've been of the opinion that I should just sit back, let life happen and only steer when I had to. Take the opportunities when they arose but don't try to force a square life into a round hole. Which raises the question, why give such a fuss over something so vague as this idiotic need to be 'in a relationship' or have a 'successful love life' Hell I even joined an internet dating thing, ME of all people. I found myself turning down offers of conversations/coffee simply because I couldn't bring myself to actually go down that road. That's not a judgement on people who do, I just can't envisage that for me. If anything that's an indication of how much I let myself get caught up in the whole single stigma thing. Personally I also think it goes someway to explaining the unwanted attention I've been receiving. Don't get me wrong some of the innocent fun has been just that, both innocent (or not so) and fun (or not so) other than that my head has been as mentioned before up my ass. Ironically the one person I have paid little or no attention to is the one person I actually am really crushing on, which is so classically me. Hit on everyone with supreme confidence and complete lack of care then bodyswerve the one you like cause you're a big girls blouse when you actually like someone.
Of course the jist of all this? I need to stop. Stop thinking about it, stop worrying about being single and put all this crap out of my head and just get the hell on with things. I need to remember three little words. If I'm single for three more years, six, nine, forever? So Be It.
I'm not going to try and force something that is beyond my control, If the choice is settle for something less and make do just so I'm not lonely, or stand my ground and wait for something special even if that means being alone? I guess I'm an old romantic and I'd rather wait forever for something special than settle and know I'd be less for it. Like the John Hughes movie 'some kind of wonderful' I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong ones. I've always tried to stick by that motto and I guess at 35 I'm realising I always will, no matter the cost.
I'm well aware I over think things, I'm well aware that my brain is a dangerous swampy jungle of pitfalls and traps for the unprepared and to be perfectly honest if I were someone else and a friend asked about me? I would probably warn them off with "He's a bit of a headfuck but his hearts in teh right place." So yes, I've taken my head out of my ass and I intend to keep it there, I'm not pursuing anything, I'm wiping the slate clean and focusing on other areas just like I actually promised myself when I first moved. I'm going to have faith that the universe will unfold as it should. As for the afore mentioned girl I have a massive crush on? What am I going to do with that? Absolutely sweet fuck all. Nothing, oh if the opportunity or the situation merits it then I might say something/admit to it. But considering in all the years I've known her I don't think more than one sentance has passed between us I wouldn't hold my breath and if she was even remotely interested then I'm sure the opportunity would have or will in the future arise, like I say though for that to happen you have to talk to someone and when two people see each other all the time and never speak, what happens is they remain relative strangers. So I'll forget all about it just as I will all the crap that's been churning around in the last few months and start fresh, chalk that one up to experience and for once not make a fool out of myself and not embaress someone else. I'll just get on with my life and let life unfold as it will and when I inevitably turn into a crazy old hermit wearing a hole filled cardigan and eating tuna out of a tin? My response to claims of a wasted life will be the same as ever: SO BE IT!