fic: who i was, from the start
Title: who i was, from the start
Characters: Yuri, Yoona
Rating: pg13
Disclaimer: still about as real as a straight tower of Pisa.
Memory #6
Yuri is fourteen, Yoona is thirteen
The sun almost seemed blasphemous. It was bright, cheerful, and everyone wished it gone.
It was insufferably hot and the black clothes only made the heat worse. Yoona was lucky she could hide behind the shade of a tree and sympathized with the crowd standing in the thickest heat of the sun. She could hardly see Yuri but she knew the girl was at the front of the group, Donghae and his parents close by as well. It was silent-no cars, no breeze, no talking-so the priest’s voice was clear despite the large distance between him and Yoona. Her head bowed low to his words as six handfuls of earth descended into the ground.
“…earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life.”
She joined in saying the ending prayer, the sentences once said out of repetition and memory now taking on a newer meaning.
After a chorus of Amen, the crowd began to dissolve. Some approached Yuri, some Donghae’s parents but Yuri didn’t react, her stoic eyes glued to the two deep trenches before her that were beginning to fill with dirt.
Yoona scratched at her shoulder, her black dress’s fabric making her itchy and uncomfortable. She was going to burn it when she got home, or trash it, but she wasn’t ever going to wear it again.
Soon Yuri and Donghae were the only ones left by the fresh graves. He stuck by her side and spoke to her but she didn’t respond and after a few minutes he walked off, leaving Yuri alone.
There would have been no better time for Yoona to come forward but she couldn’t. What would she say? Everything in her head sounded trite and she didn’t even know if Yuri wanted to see her. Her parents had just died and she and Yuri had stopped speaking months ago; Yoona didn’t know if she had any right to try to console Yuri.
It wasn’t fair. They were good people and Yuri modeled them like a perfect replica; they hadn’t deserved to die and Yuri didn’t deserve having to bury her parents as a child. It was supposed to happen in the future, somewhere far down the line after Yuri had created enough memories with them to hold onto. But now Yuri wasn’t left with much, just a few scarce family dinners and holidays, occasional trips and vacations, all crammed into a neat package. People mourned death even when they lived well into old age, saying it was too short-how must have Yuri felt when all she had with them was a meager fourteen years.
Yoona grazed the pendent at her neck with a finger, the one Yuri had given her less than three months ago. She had been wearing it every day so she wouldn’t forget Yuri and pay silent homage to their friendship. But what did it matter? Did she think she was doing some noble service by wearing a necklace? She had deserted Yuri and now when Yuri needed her most, Yoona couldn’t do anything.
But she had to try.
She stepped down the slanted hill, passing gray tombstones until she was standing next to Yuri. From this close Yuri looked like a statue, pale and lifeless.
“Yuri, I’m so sorry.”
Yuri lifted her head, just enough to bore those vacant eyes into Yoona and Yoona made a small sound in the back of her throat from fright. It was like looking at a ghost.
“You’re as dead to me as they are. Your apologies aren’t worth anything.”
Yoona clenched her teeth and throat, begging not to cry as Yuri walked away from her. She gasped in a breath and exhaled unsteadily but couldn’t hold back the tears.
The crying turned into uncontrollable sobs, her hands trembling as she covered her mouth, wet with tears. She was saying goodbye to too many things at that moment and it crippled her; she wasn’t strong, she wasn’t like Yuri.
So she cried for Yuri. She cried for her, for the untimely death of her parents, for the unfairness of it all. Then she cried for her own loss, because although Yuri wasn’t dead, she might as well have been.
*
Taeyeon had a white apron with three spots of what appeared to be three different sauces or foods when she opened the door for Yoona. It wouldn't have been so surprising if Yoona was visiting Taeyeon's house, but she was at Donghae's.
"I was making dinner. Are you going to stay over?" Taeyeon asked as they walked to the living room.
"No, thanks. I just wanted to know if Donghae's seen Yuri."
It had been two weeks since Yoona's father's installment of the new rules. Yoona and Yuri had been doing well on following them, although they had cheated once or twice. After months of freedom, yielding to limitations was harder than they had expected but it was getting easier. They made most of their time but for the past few days Yuri seemed like she was avoiding Yoona.
Donghae was on the couch and Yoona sat down, waiting until Taeyeon disappeared back into the kitchen to speak.
"You two really should just get married."
Donghae laughed, but the laughter was higher in pitch than normal. Yoona didn't acknowledge it; she was here for a specific reason.
"Have you seen Yuri?"
The TV's screen flickered with light as Donghae surfed through the channels. His shoulder lifted in a shrug.
"Not since yesterday at school."
That didn't help Yoona. She looked past the TV and to the window behind it, the sun streaming warmth and light into the room. Spring had arrived, not that there had been much of a winter. Winter was usually Yoona's favorite season but the lack of snow and bitter cold had had her wishing for spring. She had planned a whole day with Yuri now that it was warmer, but two texts and three calls later there was still no sign of Yuri.
"I keep calling but she hasn't answered. It's not like her."
It truly was an oddity for Yuri to ignore Yoona. The weatherman on the TV told them the forecast for the rest of the week, the drought continued, and the date for that Friday was a jolt of memorization for Donghae. Yuri's avoidance suddenly became very understandable.
"You don't know what this Friday is, do you?"
Yoona counted forward and thought if anything special was happening, but nothing came to mind.
"No. What's going on this Friday?"
"Yuri's parent's anniversary."
Yoona's memory of the funeral was much too clear and she knew for a fact it was during the summer, just days before the start of school.
"But the accident--"
"Not of the accident," Donghae gently corrected. "Their wedding anniversary. It was Tiffany's suggestion and it's pretty smart if you think about it. She said Yuri should celebrate a happy day, not a bad one."
It was smart. Who knew Tiffany was capable of doing something other than ooze sex?
"I had no idea. She didn't say anything."
"Don't be mad." He changed the channel again and they watched something about the construction of submarines. "She likes to be alone during that time. It's nothing against you."
Maybe it wasn't, but Yoona couldn't help taking it personally. If their past was no longer an issue, then why couldn't Yuri talk to her about it?
Yoona had shown Yuri her scar, but Yuri had yet to show her own.
*
"Only you spend your free time in a library."
Yuri looked up from the page she was reading as Tiffany tilted her head to read the spines of the books in the shelves Yuri was sitting against. They hadn't spoken since the incident at Tiffany's dorm but it wasn't due to resentment. Tiffany knew they would naturally mend whatever dent she had caused in their relationship in time, but when Yoona called Tiffany to ask where Yuri was, Tiffany treated it as the universe's way of speeding things up.
Tiffany sat down next to Yuri, although Tiffany's skirt made sitting a little awkward. As long as no one sat down across from them, she wouldn't have to worry about possibly flashing her underwear to anyone. She picked out a random book from the shelf and turned to a random page. They read in silence until Yuri's phone buzzed with a call.
"She's been looking for you," Tiffany mentioned after Yuri quieted the phone. No further explanation about who the person Tiffany referred to was needed.
"I'll talk to her soon."
Time was of the essence so Tiffany went straight to the point.
"Have you forgiven her about what she did when you two were kids?"
Yuri didn't think twice. "Of course."
"Then why are you here?"
Tiffany didn't expect an answer, she just needed Yuri to think about it. There was no doubt in her mind Yuri would make the right choice. She gave Yuri a minute before changing the subject.
"So what's the poem of the week?"
Poems depended too much on tapping into the feelings of a human, which shouldn't have been difficult for Tiffany, someone who was studying what people felt and why, but when it came to her own feelings, Tiffany had become an expert at keeping them locked away. She didn't appreciate poems the way Yuri did, but for Yuri, she could tolerate them.
Yuri didn't have a particular poem for the week, so she read the one she was in the middle of when Tiffany showed up. By the end of it, Tiffany was partly bored and wholly confused.
"Oh my God, Yuri, you and your stupid poems never make any sense."
A common reaction from Tiffany. Yuri put the poem into terms Tiffany could understand.
"I think it means some people don't care about the things you've done or how messed up you might believe yourself to be. They welcome you as are, whatever you are."
"Why couldn't you just say that?"
Yuri smiled, in a way that was like a needle to Tiffany's heart, not excruciating, but it still hurt, and Tiffany had to turn to the poem and away from Yuri to keep another needle from piercing her.
"It's more romantic this way, don't you think?"
"Maybe for you." The poem had struck something within Tiffany, enough to make her think and it bothered her greatly. She got up and did a quick shake of her hair. When she looked at Yuri, the girl was staring, eyes glazed over, and Tiffany wouldn't deny the satisfaction that spread. It was nice to know she still had an effect on Yuri. "Too bad we're not all as eloquent as you."
Yuri looked away, knowing she had been caught. Tiffany didn't cause the same feelings as she did before, Yoona seemed to be the only one who could do that these days, but Tiffany still had the effect akin to seeing a celebrity.
Tiffany dropped her book onto the ground and began walking away but at the end of the aisle she realized the poem didn't apply to only her. "You think that poem holds any truth?"
The supposedly random book Tiffany pulled out was a biography on Sigmund Freud. Yuri smiled, short of a laugh because it was so appropriate. Maybe nothing in the universe was ever random, we only chose to believe it was.
"There's never such a thing as a half truth, Tiffany. But yea, I think the poem is true."
"What about Yoona? You think she'd find it true?"
The poem Yuri was reading became nonsense as she contemplated the question. When she figured out an answer, she also figured out the reason for Tiffany's visit.
"I think so," Yuri responded, but Tiffany was no longer there to hear it.
*
Jessica's forehead creased as she listened to the soft but unmistakable sound of a snore. She opened an eye and found Tiffany's mouth right across from her, giving off snores with each exhale.
Goddess of bitch and sex, Tiffany Hwang, snored. Snored.
Opening both eyes, Jessica moved her head to get a clearer view of the girl but when she did, Tiffany's snoring stopped.
"Watching someone sleep is never romantic, it's just creepy," Tiffany said to her.
"And showing up in someone's bed without notice is perfectly fine?"
"Not my fault your landlord is dumb enough to always let me in."
Tiffany's voice was suspiciously clear, too clear for someone who looked like they were sleeping deeply just seconds ago.
"You snore," Jessica commented casually.
"It's part of my charm."
"You're kind of full of yourself."
"I have reason to be."
"That just makes you more full of yourself."
"Are you expecting me to deny it? Because I'm not going to."
"Do you find your narcissism attractive?"
"Do you?"
Jessica hesitated for less than a second, but it was a hesitation nonetheless.
"No."
Tiffany had her eyes closed the entire time and once they opened, Jessica saw amusement flicker in them like the stars they always seemed to reflect.
Before Tiffany could really start boasting her narcissism, Jessica continued with a more serious question.
“Do you even like me? Or just like to fuck me?”
It was something Tiffany had pondered, almost as much as she pondered the philosophy of materialism and last time she had spent seven hours of the eight she slept thinking about that, so simply said, a whole hell of a lot.
“Sometimes I like you. Like when you’re naked. Or when you sleep. I like you then.”
Jessica scoffed and kicked off the sheets, looking for more clothes to cover herself with. It was completely unfair how naked Tiffany made her feel, even when she was decent. But when Tiffany pulled her back down on the bed, she didn't put up much of a fight.
“Don’t you know you shouldn’t take anything I say seriously?” Tiffany asked, trying not to sound annoyed.
“How do I know when you actually say something serious then?”
“When am I ever serious?”
They were doing the questions thing again and it should have irritated Jessica like it used to, but now it was just comfortable. Surprisingly, she didn't want it to change.
“Why are you never serious?”
“It’s no fun.”
Jessica relaxed on the bed, her back to Tiffany, and Tiffany moved lower, pressing her nose between Jessica’s shoulder blades.
“I can only think of tangerines whenever I kiss you. Did you know that?”
Tiffany delicately scratched indiscernible words on the small of Jessica’s back and Jessica felt like she was being assaulted with senses, from Tiffany’s breath on her skin to the ticklish scribbles.
“Just tangerines?”
“Sometimes Snoopy too.”
Jessica smiled and turned around to face Tiffany, asking smugly, "It's because we’re both cute, isn’t it?”
“You think tangerines are cute?”
"I meant Snoopy."
"What does that have to do with tangerines?"
Jessica rolled her eyes and Tiffany thought maybe she should stop trying to annoy her, but then Jessica smiled and Tiffany knew she had a good reason for spouting nonsense all the time.
"I like you, Tiffany."
Something weird happened deep in Tiffany's chest, like her heart was a gong and the reverberations after the hit undulated throughout her body. It was so annoying.
“Good, you’re supposed to.” Jessica kept staring at her and Tiffany sighed, burying her face into Jessica’s neck because she couldn’t really speak with Jessica looking at her like that. “You’re not so bad either.”
It was not exactly what Jessica wanted to hear, but it was something and it was good enough.
*
The balcony doors from Yoona's room clicked with opening locks and a creaky handle. Yoona gave herself a quick reminder to tell her father about the creakiness before stepping outside. It was Yuri who had texted her to step outside and for the first time in a long while, Yoona didn't know what to do.
"I'm sorry," Yuri said right away. She knew she had done wrong by avoiding Yoona, knew she unintentionally hurt her, but this time she wasn't going to wait three years before doing something about it. "It's my parents' anniversary this Friday and I'm sorry for avoiding you."
Yoona slid down to sit on the tiles, warm from the entire day of sun.
"I understand if you want to be alone."
Yuri glanced at the window of Yoona's parents' bedroom. The light was on in it but it was past the curfew Yoona's father set up so Yuri didn't risk climbing up the scaffolding no matter how much her legs twitched to do so.
"That's just it though, I don't want to. I've been alone for every year since their death and I don't want to be anymore."
Invisible specks of dust chipped away as Yoona nervously picked at an edge of a tile. A fat teardrop rolled off her chin and wetted her fingers. Another joined, then another, and soon she was crying.
Yuri thought this was her fault and she reached out between the railings to Yoona, her fingertips barely grazing Yoona's cheek.
"Please don't cry, Yoong, I'm sorry."
Yoona took Yuri's hand from her face, not to push it away, but to hold it.
"How can you apologize after everything I've done to you? I should be the one begging you to forgive me."
Yuri smiled ruefully. "We both made some mistakes but I think we've been punished enough for it."
The crying stopped as quickly as it started and Yoona cleaned her eyes with a sleeve as Yuri spoke.
"I never blamed you, Yoona. And what I said at the funeral--"
"You were angry. You had every right to be. I never blamed you for anything either, Yuri. I was the one that pushed you away, it was my fau--"
Yuri twisted her fingers and glided them over Yoona's wrist. The pulse there was jumpy and slightly out of control and Yuri could imagine Yoona's heart doing exactly the same.
"Don't say it," Yuri interrupted. "I forgave you before there was anything to forgive."
It was extremely stupid of Yuri to do that, to forgive Yoona with just one glance at her face. Yuri remembered the first time it happened. The day of the funeral, before Yuri drove away in Donghae's parents' car, she turned back and saw Yoona in tears and whatever satisfaction Yuri thought it'd provide to insult Yoona was swept away with that glance. Even when numb to everything, Yoona was able to break Yuri's heart all over again. Yuri might have tried to stay mad and tried to convince herself they could never be friends again, but trying didn't always equal success. Tiffany had described it as a defense mechanism and Yuri didn't speak to her for a week after she mentioned it, but Tiffany had been right, Yuri just didn't want to admit it.
"What are you thinking about?"
The trip down memory lane vanished and Yuri returned to the humid air of the outside and the questioning stare of Yoona's eyes.
"How weird it is for a person to be right about almost everything."
Yoona didn't ask who Yuri was referring to, she didn't really care because all her focus was on the gentle brushes of Yuri's thumb outlining the creases on her wrist. It was soothing her more than such a simple action should have, but Yuri had proven to do more with just a look than some people could do with paragraphs of words.
"Come up," Yoona told Yuri, moving even lower to the ground to be just a little closer.
"Your father will be mad. I don't want to break his rules in his own house."
Yoona's father was only down the hall and most likely very aware Yuri was outside since the motion sensor lights had been on the whole time. He hadn't separated them yet so there was no point in risking it now. They had plenty of time to be together anyway.
Yoona didn't want Yuri to go though, and would have talked about almost anything to keep her from leaving.
"Have anymore poems for me?"
Yuri wrapped her arms around the thin bars surrounding Yoona's balcony as Yoona lied down.
"What would you like to hear?"
"I don't know. Something pretty."
Something pretty was vague, but sufficient. Yuri took out her list, technically, lists, because every poem she read these days was nice and her list had turned into four pages of notebook paper and a floral decorated napkin (she couldn't find paper for that particular poem). The one on the napkin was suitable, but a bit too long, so she only recited her favorite parts.
"Tonight, everyone is in love.
Gaze at the face
of the spilling moon
and tell me this is not so."
Yoona tipped her head back towards the moon, but saw nothing special, definitely not anything about love. Eyes still on the moon, she listened to Yuri.
"Tonight, everyone is in love.
Look at the night's blazing buckle of moon
and try telling
the desperate stars otherwise."
"Stars don't have ears, even I know that."
Yuri smiled and flipped the napkin over, but she looked up at Yoona, who was looking up at the moon, and completed the poem from memory.
"Tonight, under the spilling moon,
I confess to you:
everyone is in love."
Something pulled Yoona's eyes downward and to Yuri, her honest smile, and just when she thought she couldn't be any more in love than she was ten seconds ago, Yuri proved her wrong.
"I agree."
*
In another room, behind a curtained window, Yoona's mother watched. She couldn’t hear them, but she could see her daughter's face and she could see Yuri's face and she didn't need to hear them. Everything she was supposed to hear, she could blatantly see.
"They're teenagers but I think they know more about love than I do," she said, drawing the curtains back in.
Yoona's father finished buttoning up his pajamas, getting a quick glimpse of the scene on his daughter's balcony. "I've found myself getting jealous of them. It's silly, isn't it?"
They took their places in the bed, him on the right, her on the left and a foot of space between them. In the darkness they stayed awake, backs to each other, and stared at the walls. Yoona's mother's eyes wandered to the curtains where she saw her daughter in a kind of love supposed to exist in movies or books or more properly, fantasies. Yet Yoona and Yuri defied logic and reasoning and even gave hope to a pessimist like her.
"Silly or not, it doesn't make it any less true."
*
The phone in Yuri's pocket vibrated again and this time she wouldn't ignore it. People had been calling her all night but she didn't want to be rude and take the call while she was with Yoona. She closed Yoona's side gate quietly and took out the phone.
"Hello?"
"Yuri."
It was Taek, but his voice sounded so distant and almost lifeless. Maybe he was sick.
"Did you need something?"
"There's a race tonight."
Yuri pulled out the keys to her bike and swung them around her finger. She hadn't been expecting a race, let alone one so out of the blue, and wasn't really in the mood. Her meeting with Yoona had left her deliriously happy and she didn't want to compromise the feeling.
"Thanks Taek, but I--"
"It's triple the pay. You'll get enough so you won't have to race anymore after this one."
The keys slapped into Yuri's palm after one last swing. The offer was tempting and she was too busy calculating the money to think how shady it was that Taek was calling about a race or why the money was so high.
It would be the last time, Yuri promised herself. She could be the girlfriend Yoona deserved and keep her house and never dabble with something so risky ever again.
"When is it?"
There was some static, like a rush of air blew into the receiver and then Taek spoke, sounding like it was with his last breath.
"I'll text you the details."
The phone disappeared from Taek's ear and he brought his head to his chest. The number of times he had cried in his life could once be counted on one hand. Now it could be counted on two.
The man who had held the phone to Taek's ear used the same phone to write a text message as he asked with complete disinterest for Taek's deteriorating health, "Did she believe you?"
Taek nodded, his head low with shame.
Taek's captor began walking away after the response. The light was stolen with the closing of the door and finally in the privacy of complete isolation, Taek allowed himself to really weep.
"Please don't hurt her. Please don't hurt her. Please don't hurt her."
It truly would be the last time Yuri raced. JJ would make sure of it.
**
AN: Readers o' mine, I ask, humbly and sincerely, for your forgiveness. I know I've been missing, quite rudely to some in fact and I apologize. I've been wrapped up in some things and my time was (basically still is) devoted to that. HOWEVAH, I plan on being less flaky this time around. Thank you for all the support and comments and though it might take me some time, I'll get through all of them.
Me being MIA from writing means I was MIA from kpop too. So, give me your top 5 kpop songs, give me your favorite kpop gifs, macros, pictures, fics, anythang and errrthang! Overload me with kpop 'cause I am sooooooo out of the loop.
Update on the 12th.
Characters: Yuri, Yoona
Rating: pg13
Disclaimer: still about as real as a straight tower of Pisa.
Memory #6
Yuri is fourteen, Yoona is thirteen
The sun almost seemed blasphemous. It was bright, cheerful, and everyone wished it gone.
It was insufferably hot and the black clothes only made the heat worse. Yoona was lucky she could hide behind the shade of a tree and sympathized with the crowd standing in the thickest heat of the sun. She could hardly see Yuri but she knew the girl was at the front of the group, Donghae and his parents close by as well. It was silent-no cars, no breeze, no talking-so the priest’s voice was clear despite the large distance between him and Yoona. Her head bowed low to his words as six handfuls of earth descended into the ground.
“…earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life.”
She joined in saying the ending prayer, the sentences once said out of repetition and memory now taking on a newer meaning.
After a chorus of Amen, the crowd began to dissolve. Some approached Yuri, some Donghae’s parents but Yuri didn’t react, her stoic eyes glued to the two deep trenches before her that were beginning to fill with dirt.
Yoona scratched at her shoulder, her black dress’s fabric making her itchy and uncomfortable. She was going to burn it when she got home, or trash it, but she wasn’t ever going to wear it again.
Soon Yuri and Donghae were the only ones left by the fresh graves. He stuck by her side and spoke to her but she didn’t respond and after a few minutes he walked off, leaving Yuri alone.
There would have been no better time for Yoona to come forward but she couldn’t. What would she say? Everything in her head sounded trite and she didn’t even know if Yuri wanted to see her. Her parents had just died and she and Yuri had stopped speaking months ago; Yoona didn’t know if she had any right to try to console Yuri.
It wasn’t fair. They were good people and Yuri modeled them like a perfect replica; they hadn’t deserved to die and Yuri didn’t deserve having to bury her parents as a child. It was supposed to happen in the future, somewhere far down the line after Yuri had created enough memories with them to hold onto. But now Yuri wasn’t left with much, just a few scarce family dinners and holidays, occasional trips and vacations, all crammed into a neat package. People mourned death even when they lived well into old age, saying it was too short-how must have Yuri felt when all she had with them was a meager fourteen years.
Yoona grazed the pendent at her neck with a finger, the one Yuri had given her less than three months ago. She had been wearing it every day so she wouldn’t forget Yuri and pay silent homage to their friendship. But what did it matter? Did she think she was doing some noble service by wearing a necklace? She had deserted Yuri and now when Yuri needed her most, Yoona couldn’t do anything.
But she had to try.
She stepped down the slanted hill, passing gray tombstones until she was standing next to Yuri. From this close Yuri looked like a statue, pale and lifeless.
“Yuri, I’m so sorry.”
Yuri lifted her head, just enough to bore those vacant eyes into Yoona and Yoona made a small sound in the back of her throat from fright. It was like looking at a ghost.
“You’re as dead to me as they are. Your apologies aren’t worth anything.”
Yoona clenched her teeth and throat, begging not to cry as Yuri walked away from her. She gasped in a breath and exhaled unsteadily but couldn’t hold back the tears.
The crying turned into uncontrollable sobs, her hands trembling as she covered her mouth, wet with tears. She was saying goodbye to too many things at that moment and it crippled her; she wasn’t strong, she wasn’t like Yuri.
So she cried for Yuri. She cried for her, for the untimely death of her parents, for the unfairness of it all. Then she cried for her own loss, because although Yuri wasn’t dead, she might as well have been.
*
Taeyeon had a white apron with three spots of what appeared to be three different sauces or foods when she opened the door for Yoona. It wouldn't have been so surprising if Yoona was visiting Taeyeon's house, but she was at Donghae's.
"I was making dinner. Are you going to stay over?" Taeyeon asked as they walked to the living room.
"No, thanks. I just wanted to know if Donghae's seen Yuri."
It had been two weeks since Yoona's father's installment of the new rules. Yoona and Yuri had been doing well on following them, although they had cheated once or twice. After months of freedom, yielding to limitations was harder than they had expected but it was getting easier. They made most of their time but for the past few days Yuri seemed like she was avoiding Yoona.
Donghae was on the couch and Yoona sat down, waiting until Taeyeon disappeared back into the kitchen to speak.
"You two really should just get married."
Donghae laughed, but the laughter was higher in pitch than normal. Yoona didn't acknowledge it; she was here for a specific reason.
"Have you seen Yuri?"
The TV's screen flickered with light as Donghae surfed through the channels. His shoulder lifted in a shrug.
"Not since yesterday at school."
That didn't help Yoona. She looked past the TV and to the window behind it, the sun streaming warmth and light into the room. Spring had arrived, not that there had been much of a winter. Winter was usually Yoona's favorite season but the lack of snow and bitter cold had had her wishing for spring. She had planned a whole day with Yuri now that it was warmer, but two texts and three calls later there was still no sign of Yuri.
"I keep calling but she hasn't answered. It's not like her."
It truly was an oddity for Yuri to ignore Yoona. The weatherman on the TV told them the forecast for the rest of the week, the drought continued, and the date for that Friday was a jolt of memorization for Donghae. Yuri's avoidance suddenly became very understandable.
"You don't know what this Friday is, do you?"
Yoona counted forward and thought if anything special was happening, but nothing came to mind.
"No. What's going on this Friday?"
"Yuri's parent's anniversary."
Yoona's memory of the funeral was much too clear and she knew for a fact it was during the summer, just days before the start of school.
"But the accident--"
"Not of the accident," Donghae gently corrected. "Their wedding anniversary. It was Tiffany's suggestion and it's pretty smart if you think about it. She said Yuri should celebrate a happy day, not a bad one."
It was smart. Who knew Tiffany was capable of doing something other than ooze sex?
"I had no idea. She didn't say anything."
"Don't be mad." He changed the channel again and they watched something about the construction of submarines. "She likes to be alone during that time. It's nothing against you."
Maybe it wasn't, but Yoona couldn't help taking it personally. If their past was no longer an issue, then why couldn't Yuri talk to her about it?
Yoona had shown Yuri her scar, but Yuri had yet to show her own.
*
"Only you spend your free time in a library."
Yuri looked up from the page she was reading as Tiffany tilted her head to read the spines of the books in the shelves Yuri was sitting against. They hadn't spoken since the incident at Tiffany's dorm but it wasn't due to resentment. Tiffany knew they would naturally mend whatever dent she had caused in their relationship in time, but when Yoona called Tiffany to ask where Yuri was, Tiffany treated it as the universe's way of speeding things up.
Tiffany sat down next to Yuri, although Tiffany's skirt made sitting a little awkward. As long as no one sat down across from them, she wouldn't have to worry about possibly flashing her underwear to anyone. She picked out a random book from the shelf and turned to a random page. They read in silence until Yuri's phone buzzed with a call.
"She's been looking for you," Tiffany mentioned after Yuri quieted the phone. No further explanation about who the person Tiffany referred to was needed.
"I'll talk to her soon."
Time was of the essence so Tiffany went straight to the point.
"Have you forgiven her about what she did when you two were kids?"
Yuri didn't think twice. "Of course."
"Then why are you here?"
Tiffany didn't expect an answer, she just needed Yuri to think about it. There was no doubt in her mind Yuri would make the right choice. She gave Yuri a minute before changing the subject.
"So what's the poem of the week?"
Poems depended too much on tapping into the feelings of a human, which shouldn't have been difficult for Tiffany, someone who was studying what people felt and why, but when it came to her own feelings, Tiffany had become an expert at keeping them locked away. She didn't appreciate poems the way Yuri did, but for Yuri, she could tolerate them.
Yuri didn't have a particular poem for the week, so she read the one she was in the middle of when Tiffany showed up. By the end of it, Tiffany was partly bored and wholly confused.
"Oh my God, Yuri, you and your stupid poems never make any sense."
A common reaction from Tiffany. Yuri put the poem into terms Tiffany could understand.
"I think it means some people don't care about the things you've done or how messed up you might believe yourself to be. They welcome you as are, whatever you are."
"Why couldn't you just say that?"
Yuri smiled, in a way that was like a needle to Tiffany's heart, not excruciating, but it still hurt, and Tiffany had to turn to the poem and away from Yuri to keep another needle from piercing her.
"It's more romantic this way, don't you think?"
"Maybe for you." The poem had struck something within Tiffany, enough to make her think and it bothered her greatly. She got up and did a quick shake of her hair. When she looked at Yuri, the girl was staring, eyes glazed over, and Tiffany wouldn't deny the satisfaction that spread. It was nice to know she still had an effect on Yuri. "Too bad we're not all as eloquent as you."
Yuri looked away, knowing she had been caught. Tiffany didn't cause the same feelings as she did before, Yoona seemed to be the only one who could do that these days, but Tiffany still had the effect akin to seeing a celebrity.
Tiffany dropped her book onto the ground and began walking away but at the end of the aisle she realized the poem didn't apply to only her. "You think that poem holds any truth?"
The supposedly random book Tiffany pulled out was a biography on Sigmund Freud. Yuri smiled, short of a laugh because it was so appropriate. Maybe nothing in the universe was ever random, we only chose to believe it was.
"There's never such a thing as a half truth, Tiffany. But yea, I think the poem is true."
"What about Yoona? You think she'd find it true?"
The poem Yuri was reading became nonsense as she contemplated the question. When she figured out an answer, she also figured out the reason for Tiffany's visit.
"I think so," Yuri responded, but Tiffany was no longer there to hear it.
*
Jessica's forehead creased as she listened to the soft but unmistakable sound of a snore. She opened an eye and found Tiffany's mouth right across from her, giving off snores with each exhale.
Goddess of bitch and sex, Tiffany Hwang, snored. Snored.
Opening both eyes, Jessica moved her head to get a clearer view of the girl but when she did, Tiffany's snoring stopped.
"Watching someone sleep is never romantic, it's just creepy," Tiffany said to her.
"And showing up in someone's bed without notice is perfectly fine?"
"Not my fault your landlord is dumb enough to always let me in."
Tiffany's voice was suspiciously clear, too clear for someone who looked like they were sleeping deeply just seconds ago.
"You snore," Jessica commented casually.
"It's part of my charm."
"You're kind of full of yourself."
"I have reason to be."
"That just makes you more full of yourself."
"Are you expecting me to deny it? Because I'm not going to."
"Do you find your narcissism attractive?"
"Do you?"
Jessica hesitated for less than a second, but it was a hesitation nonetheless.
"No."
Tiffany had her eyes closed the entire time and once they opened, Jessica saw amusement flicker in them like the stars they always seemed to reflect.
Before Tiffany could really start boasting her narcissism, Jessica continued with a more serious question.
“Do you even like me? Or just like to fuck me?”
It was something Tiffany had pondered, almost as much as she pondered the philosophy of materialism and last time she had spent seven hours of the eight she slept thinking about that, so simply said, a whole hell of a lot.
“Sometimes I like you. Like when you’re naked. Or when you sleep. I like you then.”
Jessica scoffed and kicked off the sheets, looking for more clothes to cover herself with. It was completely unfair how naked Tiffany made her feel, even when she was decent. But when Tiffany pulled her back down on the bed, she didn't put up much of a fight.
“Don’t you know you shouldn’t take anything I say seriously?” Tiffany asked, trying not to sound annoyed.
“How do I know when you actually say something serious then?”
“When am I ever serious?”
They were doing the questions thing again and it should have irritated Jessica like it used to, but now it was just comfortable. Surprisingly, she didn't want it to change.
“Why are you never serious?”
“It’s no fun.”
Jessica relaxed on the bed, her back to Tiffany, and Tiffany moved lower, pressing her nose between Jessica’s shoulder blades.
“I can only think of tangerines whenever I kiss you. Did you know that?”
Tiffany delicately scratched indiscernible words on the small of Jessica’s back and Jessica felt like she was being assaulted with senses, from Tiffany’s breath on her skin to the ticklish scribbles.
“Just tangerines?”
“Sometimes Snoopy too.”
Jessica smiled and turned around to face Tiffany, asking smugly, "It's because we’re both cute, isn’t it?”
“You think tangerines are cute?”
"I meant Snoopy."
"What does that have to do with tangerines?"
Jessica rolled her eyes and Tiffany thought maybe she should stop trying to annoy her, but then Jessica smiled and Tiffany knew she had a good reason for spouting nonsense all the time.
"I like you, Tiffany."
Something weird happened deep in Tiffany's chest, like her heart was a gong and the reverberations after the hit undulated throughout her body. It was so annoying.
“Good, you’re supposed to.” Jessica kept staring at her and Tiffany sighed, burying her face into Jessica’s neck because she couldn’t really speak with Jessica looking at her like that. “You’re not so bad either.”
It was not exactly what Jessica wanted to hear, but it was something and it was good enough.
*
The balcony doors from Yoona's room clicked with opening locks and a creaky handle. Yoona gave herself a quick reminder to tell her father about the creakiness before stepping outside. It was Yuri who had texted her to step outside and for the first time in a long while, Yoona didn't know what to do.
"I'm sorry," Yuri said right away. She knew she had done wrong by avoiding Yoona, knew she unintentionally hurt her, but this time she wasn't going to wait three years before doing something about it. "It's my parents' anniversary this Friday and I'm sorry for avoiding you."
Yoona slid down to sit on the tiles, warm from the entire day of sun.
"I understand if you want to be alone."
Yuri glanced at the window of Yoona's parents' bedroom. The light was on in it but it was past the curfew Yoona's father set up so Yuri didn't risk climbing up the scaffolding no matter how much her legs twitched to do so.
"That's just it though, I don't want to. I've been alone for every year since their death and I don't want to be anymore."
Invisible specks of dust chipped away as Yoona nervously picked at an edge of a tile. A fat teardrop rolled off her chin and wetted her fingers. Another joined, then another, and soon she was crying.
Yuri thought this was her fault and she reached out between the railings to Yoona, her fingertips barely grazing Yoona's cheek.
"Please don't cry, Yoong, I'm sorry."
Yoona took Yuri's hand from her face, not to push it away, but to hold it.
"How can you apologize after everything I've done to you? I should be the one begging you to forgive me."
Yuri smiled ruefully. "We both made some mistakes but I think we've been punished enough for it."
The crying stopped as quickly as it started and Yoona cleaned her eyes with a sleeve as Yuri spoke.
"I never blamed you, Yoona. And what I said at the funeral--"
"You were angry. You had every right to be. I never blamed you for anything either, Yuri. I was the one that pushed you away, it was my fau--"
Yuri twisted her fingers and glided them over Yoona's wrist. The pulse there was jumpy and slightly out of control and Yuri could imagine Yoona's heart doing exactly the same.
"Don't say it," Yuri interrupted. "I forgave you before there was anything to forgive."
It was extremely stupid of Yuri to do that, to forgive Yoona with just one glance at her face. Yuri remembered the first time it happened. The day of the funeral, before Yuri drove away in Donghae's parents' car, she turned back and saw Yoona in tears and whatever satisfaction Yuri thought it'd provide to insult Yoona was swept away with that glance. Even when numb to everything, Yoona was able to break Yuri's heart all over again. Yuri might have tried to stay mad and tried to convince herself they could never be friends again, but trying didn't always equal success. Tiffany had described it as a defense mechanism and Yuri didn't speak to her for a week after she mentioned it, but Tiffany had been right, Yuri just didn't want to admit it.
"What are you thinking about?"
The trip down memory lane vanished and Yuri returned to the humid air of the outside and the questioning stare of Yoona's eyes.
"How weird it is for a person to be right about almost everything."
Yoona didn't ask who Yuri was referring to, she didn't really care because all her focus was on the gentle brushes of Yuri's thumb outlining the creases on her wrist. It was soothing her more than such a simple action should have, but Yuri had proven to do more with just a look than some people could do with paragraphs of words.
"Come up," Yoona told Yuri, moving even lower to the ground to be just a little closer.
"Your father will be mad. I don't want to break his rules in his own house."
Yoona's father was only down the hall and most likely very aware Yuri was outside since the motion sensor lights had been on the whole time. He hadn't separated them yet so there was no point in risking it now. They had plenty of time to be together anyway.
Yoona didn't want Yuri to go though, and would have talked about almost anything to keep her from leaving.
"Have anymore poems for me?"
Yuri wrapped her arms around the thin bars surrounding Yoona's balcony as Yoona lied down.
"What would you like to hear?"
"I don't know. Something pretty."
Something pretty was vague, but sufficient. Yuri took out her list, technically, lists, because every poem she read these days was nice and her list had turned into four pages of notebook paper and a floral decorated napkin (she couldn't find paper for that particular poem). The one on the napkin was suitable, but a bit too long, so she only recited her favorite parts.
"Tonight, everyone is in love.
Gaze at the face
of the spilling moon
and tell me this is not so."
Yoona tipped her head back towards the moon, but saw nothing special, definitely not anything about love. Eyes still on the moon, she listened to Yuri.
"Tonight, everyone is in love.
Look at the night's blazing buckle of moon
and try telling
the desperate stars otherwise."
"Stars don't have ears, even I know that."
Yuri smiled and flipped the napkin over, but she looked up at Yoona, who was looking up at the moon, and completed the poem from memory.
"Tonight, under the spilling moon,
I confess to you:
everyone is in love."
Something pulled Yoona's eyes downward and to Yuri, her honest smile, and just when she thought she couldn't be any more in love than she was ten seconds ago, Yuri proved her wrong.
"I agree."
*
In another room, behind a curtained window, Yoona's mother watched. She couldn’t hear them, but she could see her daughter's face and she could see Yuri's face and she didn't need to hear them. Everything she was supposed to hear, she could blatantly see.
"They're teenagers but I think they know more about love than I do," she said, drawing the curtains back in.
Yoona's father finished buttoning up his pajamas, getting a quick glimpse of the scene on his daughter's balcony. "I've found myself getting jealous of them. It's silly, isn't it?"
They took their places in the bed, him on the right, her on the left and a foot of space between them. In the darkness they stayed awake, backs to each other, and stared at the walls. Yoona's mother's eyes wandered to the curtains where she saw her daughter in a kind of love supposed to exist in movies or books or more properly, fantasies. Yet Yoona and Yuri defied logic and reasoning and even gave hope to a pessimist like her.
"Silly or not, it doesn't make it any less true."
*
The phone in Yuri's pocket vibrated again and this time she wouldn't ignore it. People had been calling her all night but she didn't want to be rude and take the call while she was with Yoona. She closed Yoona's side gate quietly and took out the phone.
"Hello?"
"Yuri."
It was Taek, but his voice sounded so distant and almost lifeless. Maybe he was sick.
"Did you need something?"
"There's a race tonight."
Yuri pulled out the keys to her bike and swung them around her finger. She hadn't been expecting a race, let alone one so out of the blue, and wasn't really in the mood. Her meeting with Yoona had left her deliriously happy and she didn't want to compromise the feeling.
"Thanks Taek, but I--"
"It's triple the pay. You'll get enough so you won't have to race anymore after this one."
The keys slapped into Yuri's palm after one last swing. The offer was tempting and she was too busy calculating the money to think how shady it was that Taek was calling about a race or why the money was so high.
It would be the last time, Yuri promised herself. She could be the girlfriend Yoona deserved and keep her house and never dabble with something so risky ever again.
"When is it?"
There was some static, like a rush of air blew into the receiver and then Taek spoke, sounding like it was with his last breath.
"I'll text you the details."
The phone disappeared from Taek's ear and he brought his head to his chest. The number of times he had cried in his life could once be counted on one hand. Now it could be counted on two.
The man who had held the phone to Taek's ear used the same phone to write a text message as he asked with complete disinterest for Taek's deteriorating health, "Did she believe you?"
Taek nodded, his head low with shame.
Taek's captor began walking away after the response. The light was stolen with the closing of the door and finally in the privacy of complete isolation, Taek allowed himself to really weep.
"Please don't hurt her. Please don't hurt her. Please don't hurt her."
It truly would be the last time Yuri raced. JJ would make sure of it.
**
AN: Readers o' mine, I ask, humbly and sincerely, for your forgiveness. I know I've been missing, quite rudely to some in fact and I apologize. I've been wrapped up in some things and my time was (basically still is) devoted to that. HOWEVAH, I plan on being less flaky this time around. Thank you for all the support and comments and though it might take me some time, I'll get through all of them.
Me being MIA from writing means I was MIA from kpop too. So, give me your top 5 kpop songs, give me your favorite kpop gifs, macros, pictures, fics, anythang and errrthang! Overload me with kpop 'cause I am sooooooo out of the loop.
Update on the 12th.