i honestly don't know
When it all started, tiffany had clung onto taeyeon like a lifesaver. She ran to taeyeon with all her problems and even when taeyeon looked at her with red eyes while tiffany cried with her own, taeyeon listened. When it started. Then things changed a little. Taeyeon had her own problems and tiffany was forced to look in the mirror and tell herself, suck it up, you loser, while wiping her nose with her sleeve.
Maybe that was why she was in this position now. she had eyes, she saw how taeyeon looked at her and she learned to control how she looked back or reply to a subtle flirt and look away before she could be embarrassed enough to blush. But things like butterflies? They never went away.
She tried different things, even kissing taeyeon and though she loved it, and will always remember the kiss as warm and smelling like taeyeon's favorite perfume, it didn't sit right in the end. She preferred to hold taeyeon's hand because she got away with things like that, especially when she lingered a bit too long, sliding her fingers across taeyeon's palm and feeling a rush. Rush of butterflies.
Thinking about the past had tiffany burying her head in her hands and squealing at the mortifying things she had said, done, and having taeyeon by her side at the end of the day, rubbing her back and trying to hold back her own laughter. Tiffany wants to say she laughs at it now too but, no, it's okay, they were all kids at one point.
There were soul crushing things and those were the things she should have been mortified about but all she does is space out with glazed eyes when she recalls them. Sometimes taeyeon wasn't so nice, which was completely fair because everyone needed breaks from tiffany, from the life they held. When they were training, time seemed to go the slowest or even stand still but once things picked up they never stopped. It hadn't stopped. So taeyeon would lash out, scream Korean obscenities tiffany hadn't yet understood yet but understands now.
They had seen each other at their worst, squabbled like married couples and made up like best friends. Tiffany didn't think taeyeon was playing by the rules when she would hug her in the dorm in the most random times. You don't do that when the cameras are on, tiffany would say, and taeyeon would say the same thing over and over, because I can't.
Tiffany hadn't exactly played by the rules either. She would be the first to admit she was a hot and cold person and fluctuated and how was taeyeon supposed to keep up? They had fought so much in a 6 month period back then but afterwards they mended the cracks and neither of them said it, but it was too much to lose.
On occasion when they went out, taeyeon gravitated to tiffany and vice versa until producers would say, you need to interact with different people and in the beginning tiffany would look at taeyeon forlornly but taeyeon never saw it and never returned the looks. So now they just walk away. Tiffany mistook it for maturity but she seldom forgave it.
Taeyeon, on the other hand, seldom forgot it and soon it took on a whole different game. This game involved more touching and teasing and someone always got hurt. that was the fun part because everything else was horrid. Love me goddamnit, she would text to tiffany.
She slipped up more often than tiffany too and she shouldn't have. she really shouldn't. it was a smile too many, too wide, too happy. She sees the pictures all the time, the evidence herself and it's so obvious, so blatant on her face it's remarkable it hasn't broken out as a scandal yet. She's tiptoeing on a needle thread and the excitement, the threat of the fall, is becoming less fun.
It takes about a moment and she's a goner.
--you don't understand. I won't tell you it's love but whatever it is, it's wonderful. Am I out there kissing her face, holding her hand, shouting I love you in the middle of conversations? No. so give me this. Give me the stupid, tiniest satisfaction that I can love her alone, and in silence.
And they all looked at her the same way, crazy crazy taetae.
So they started marking days. On Mondays you stay away from me. but it never ends that way, because by the end of the conversation they're close to yelling and forced to call it quits. Then when it's time for a job, tiffany tries to keep it professional and taeyeon only smiles politely so another article can talk about how close they all are and fuck, okay, it's true but they're human most days too.
Tiffany would cry into her diary because she couldn't tell a soul. --do you know what it's like to tell someone you love them with only your eyes? It's not easy.
And then there were times taeyeon found herself holding tiffany's hand or tiffany would instinctively laugh into taeyeon's back when a joke was told and they both would think, how did we get here? how did this happen? Why are we doing this? Is this still even about us? Or about the people who like us? It didn't happen often but when it did, they hated each other and all they had become or had forced to become. The feeling was disgusting and the things people said about them, discussing freely on message boards and forums about their lives like they owned them. But they did a little. Their fans had more than they should have.
--we could make a great couple, taeyeon had said once, on a plane ride after taking a picture with tiffany and posting it up. The response was instant and there was an ugly pleasure in it all.
--we are, taeyeon, tiffany sighed, turning her back to taeyeon to sleep.
By whose hand taeyeon would wonder. By whose hand.