will you, could you
Maybe yuri felt a little too much. She shows it less nowadays because she feels like everyone has a device to document it and you know, some things she doesn't want to remember. She likes the concert photos and even the hoards of fans at the airports aren't half as bad as when someone catches her at her worst or when she's completely unprepared.
She likes the rides in the vans and planes because she gets a bit more privacy then and she relaxes. Not fully; she doesn't think they'll ever truly relax until they’re dead. A part of her thinks it's okay. She's living the dream. Her dream of being scrutinized or torn down only to be haphazardly put back together with two bit comments of encouragement from either people who didn't give a shit or people she loved too much and from whom she expected more. Hers was a life of disappointments, sometimes small and unworthy of thought. Disappointments nonetheless.
It's why she got close with yoona. because yoona laughed too hard at stupid jokes and could spend all her free time planning pranks. And yuri didn't even like it that much but somehow yoona dragged her into one prank, then two and before she knew it they were at the kitchen table trying to keep in their laughter at 3 in the morning with a schedule at 4.
What was she supposed to do with all that when yoona started saying she was tired and sharing inside jokes with everybody else but her? Yuri wanted to be more angry than hurt, because at least anger motivated but sadness was draining.
She got over it quickly, like water off a duck's back. It was either that or a thicker skin and that was not an option for her. The thick skinned ones turned cynical too soon. It was better to shrug it off, she thought, than let herself become some shell.
There was the odd glimpse of the past, mostly a passing moment of reminiscing done by one of the girls, usually said as an anecdote on a radio show or tv program. When yuri would listen to the broadcasts later she’d shut it off prematurely because they all had everyone fooled, hadn’t they. But then there were also the long carplanevantaxi ride home, or wherever else, and yoona would happen to sit next to her and she’d turn to yuri, usually sleepily or tiredly or something the like and it’d always, always start with, “do you remember that time…”
yuri would remember.
While yuri mourned her loss of time pranking around with yoona, the worst manifested itself in the stuffy minutes when it was just the two of them in four walls. It was embarrassing. She couldn’t speak, struggling to hold simple conversations. Yoona’s undivided attention on yuri, where there was no humor involved, made yuri nervous. Joking around came naturally and everything else simply did not. And yuri wasn’t stupid. She knew the signs. She knew jessica acted the same way around Daniel henney and taeyeon around dongwan. Crushes were for children. But it was unavoidable.
The dating news could have been handled more tactfully. She knew yoona was flirting with seungi, but she had found out like an acquaintance rather than the sweat, blood and tears sister that she was.
‘you didn’t know? Yea, they had their first date a week ago. Next one is tonight.’
Yuri wanted to say so many things. Some of them hurtful. Some of them too vulnerable to come out as nothing but hurtful. So all in all, it sucked.
‘she’s uh, being careful tho, right?’
there was an answer to her question, but she hadn’t paid any attention.
Time went on, as it would. When it finally got easier to smile and rock her sunglasses not to avoid eyes but because she looked fucking fabulous in them, smaller bombs were dropped, throwing yuri off balance once more.
Yoona didn’t drink. Frankly, neither did yuri. There was something about alcohol that made you stupid and yuri didn’t waste time on idiots.
It would’ve been so much nicer to blame alcohol. Blame alcohol on yoona’s hand on yuri’s neck, whispering in her ear in a room that didn’t need it. Blame alcohol on her own body, leaning in too close.
She had never wanted to kiss someone so badly then.
But she didn’t. something about nerves and it felt wrong. Somewhat.
It happened a few more times, in weird settings, where there was no lust or romance involved, just a mutual connection or attraction or whatever you wanted to call it.
And it was attraction, yuri was sure of that much. They were both beautiful and talented and yoona had an alligator mouth when she found something too funny and yuri loved it.
Unfortunately yuri could only deal with so many covert touches and the occasional spooning when one of them was feeling lonely. (which was more often than anyone would realize, public or otherwise.)
Yuri relieved frustration with a few select people, people she decided she could trust-to a degree of course. Idols had strict standards when it came to hookups. It was nothing short of a contract basically. Cell phones were forbidden, there’d be no speaking and everything was done under the discretion of a dark room and protective managers. Managers who acted like knights, swearing loyalty to their queens. How else could they guarantee privacy?
When yuri started seeking comfort in women, there’d always be too much to compare, even if she couldn’t see the girl. Her hands were her eyes and either curves were absent or the hair would be too thin or legs too short or etc. etc. etc. the list would go on.
‘is it any fun?’
the distraction causes yuri to miss swiping over and the little surfer on her phone crashes.
‘it’s pretty fun. You have to jump from subway car to subway car and avoid things. There are power ups and stuff.’
‘lemme try.’
Yoona learns quickly, as she usually does with anything and three games later she’s creeping up on yuri’s high score.
‘I missed this,’ yoona says after the fourth game and the novelty of it has worn off a little.
Yuri rolls her eyes. She minds being a proxy. She’s second to nobody.
But yoona plays with yuri’s hair, gives her that smile they as a group only get to see and it’s possible yuri doesn’t have as much control as she’d like.
‘you get everything you want, don’t you, yoona,’ yuri tells her, hoping she wasn’t the only one floundering in this game they were playing. Or maybe yuri was playing all by herself, in her head.
Yoona’s pretty smile comes undone but yuri doesn’t feel any reprieve in this kind of camaraderie.
‘not everything.’
*
the words sit in yuri like a log resting on her chest, which was to say, very uncomfortably. She may be past dancing around the subject, but it still bothers her a little how much it affects her.
Yoona is sitting on the floor, scripts of possible tv shows splayed before her. Yoona’s choices were always endless, in almost anything.
“picked one yet?”
yoona’s small smile is radiant in its sincerity, even if it’s two weeks behind on sleep and has been skipping meals for the last few days.
“narrowing it down…”
yuri makes a face in disagreement and yoona bashfully exaggerates a pathetic smile of apology.
“yea, I never said I’d do it quickly.”
Yuri sits next to her no differently than the million of times she has before, but it is different though, because she’s now aware of how smooth yoona’s skin is, how soft it would’ve been against her lips. It quietly sneaks up within her, or behind her, it being whatever damned feelings were screwing up the balance in her brain, and she presses a kiss to yoona’s shoulder like yoona belonged to her. Displays of affection were not necessarily common between the girls, but they weren’t unheard of. Yet it surprises them both, because yoona’s face shows all the symptoms and suddenly yuri feels like this warrants an explanation. But there was none.
Instead, she scoots back, because obviously the proximity was not helping.
“sorry, that was inappropriate.”
“why?”
yuri rolls her eyes and cracks a pained grin because she’s too close to wearing her whole heart on her sleeve and she’s sure that isn’t what yoona thinks her nerves are about.
“because I’m dealing with some stuff and it’s difficult being here with you.”
“am I making you uncomfortable?” yoona asks innocently and the concern drops the pretty smile from her face and whatever lightness there was about the situation.
“you’ve got too much on your mind, yoongie. Focus on the important things.”
Yuri walks away, hoping that was the last of the feelings she’d let slip by so brazenly.
*
shes tries not to think of it that night because it’s a nonissue: yoona is her friend, she’s dating someone else. But each time she gets rid of the thought, another arises to take its place. It’s a fucking hydra of untimely feelings.
Close to 1 in the morning and nowhere close to sleep, her bedroom door creaks a slow, small opening and yuri lifts her head to whom it could be. The tall, lanky frame eliminates sunny, taeyeon, tiffany, Jessica or hyoyeon. But she stops guessing when her guest speaks.
“is it bad i’m more used to a hotel bed than my own bed?”
“is that a thinly veiled excuse to sleep with me?” yuri jokes blindly, even if it constricts her throat.
“oh shut up ms. Hot stuff,” yoona says and climbs into the bed.
if she tried to keep a cool head about this before, it’s doomed now for sure. But yuri tries anyway and puts her back to yoona, avoiding the thoughts and the body attached to it.
yoona shifts next to her, pillows and blankets rustling until the cloth settles and it’s quiet enough for yuri to hear the girl’s breathing. And it stays that way for minutes, yuri painstakingly suppressing the urge to turn around and tell yoona she had to leave because it hurt yuri so, so much to have yoona this close.
Yoona’s flutter movements don’t help either. At first yuri think it’s the apartment, breathing with its usual sounds but she discernably feels movement beside her and it’s extremely distracting. But she deals with it fine, no matter how alert it makes her and how that turns her limbs rigid.
But soon it’s on her, sheets shifting against her back and ribs, the bed dipping somewhere behind her and then fingers are between her shoulder blades, barely there but the goosebumps don’t lie.
“are you still awake?” yoona asks and yuri presses the yes away and smothers it. “please be awake.”
Yuri couldn’t stay oblivious and turned to face yoona.
“we gotta get up early tomorrow, what is it?” she says it softly, gently, like yoona warranted nothing else.
Yoona cranes her head up, like she was trying to look at yuri better, or maybe look over her, yuri can’t tell. She stays there, and it’s a hesitant position, locked in place and uncertainty. When she leans down and kisses her, yuri is too surprised to panic.
Yuri can tell yoona hasn’t done much kissing, or maybe she simply hasn’t done much of it in the dark by the awkward placement of her mouth on yuri’s. it’s remarkable how that is enough though, enough to turn her sting of desire into a scorching burn, heating her from the inside out.
“why’d you do that?” yuri asks dumbly as though she cared about the answer.
Yoona’s hand finds itself on yuri’s neck, resting there all too comfortably like they have done it millions of times, like they’ve been lovers since they were old enough to know anything about that, like this were any other night, with just them two, lying in bed, sharing pillow talk. Suddenly yuri misses all of it like it were true, yearns for memories that don’t exist and feelings that were never reciprocated.
The longer yoona stayed quiet the longer yuri started to care about that answer. All the signs pointed to yoona just feeling sorry for yuri’s poor crush on yoona, like any other pathetic chump sitting in front of their tv or computer screens drooling for ideal, model, actress, singer, dancer, perfect all around girl in every shape, form and personality. Carefully concocted by businessmen and pr consultants, but ideal nonetheless.
But it hurt yuri more than most because she knew yoona. Maybe it didn’t make her any less pathetic than the usual fanboy or fangirl, but yuri has seen yoona at her worst and it had done nothing but make her love her more.
Yuri sits up because yoona still hadn’t answered and she feels like her ribs and chest are caving in on her.
“you have to tell me why.”
“it kills me. Seeing you hurt like this.”
“don’t, yoona. Do not treat me that way.”
Yuri’s out of the bed, because she was fine in her fantasy. She was fine having yoona love her in her head and have it unknown in reality. She doesn’t want the truth. Yoona can keep the truth. It doesn’t help yuri at all. She can’t be in bed, be next to the girl who doesn’t want to hurt yuri but does it all the same.
“can you please leave now?”
yoona slinks out of the bed like she’s the one who’s just been rejected. Yuri can’t bring herself to care though, that yoona may be in pain too, but she’s the root of yuri’s broken heart and right now she just can’t sympathize.
“you have to know I tried to wait it out. and there’s a part of me that doesn’t want me to stop myself.” In the darkness yuri hangs onto yoona’s words like anchors dragging her all the way down to the ocean floor. “I’m sorry, I’m not making any sense.”
she doesn’t and yuri doesn’t want to care.
“goodnight, yoona.”
If she could have slept, she probably would have had nightmares, so yuri tries to think of it as a blessing when her alarm blares at 5 in the morning and she hasn’t closed her eyes since yoona left.
*
no one likes to talk about the time in the middle. The time spent thinking, rewriting words said, replaying actions or playing the actions that should have been done. There are sad songs listened to, right behind the evil thoughts that swirl mercilessly and feelings no different than coyotes.
Yuri doesn’t mean to do it, but the silence is too fucking loud.
So one night as the girls file to bedrooms, yuri corners yoona like her mind has been cornering her for the past few weeks.
Yoona’s moans in her ear fill the spaces and yuri sleeps soundly.
*
she wants to say they get a happy ending.
Option a: they slowly fall in love with secret dinners and kisses. No one knows but that’s okay, they’re in love. It’s nobody’s business but theirs.
Option b: it falls apart. It withers away like sand castles. They despise what they feel for each other until it eats them from the inside out. they won’t speak for years.
Option c: they destroy each other quietly, aggressively. exacting revenge on the pretense of a stolen heart. Screaming how could yous into every kiss, every fuck.
Option d: a combination of all 3.
So they do fall in love. Yuri swears she can’t live without yoona, saying it in the dark when she can’t see yoona’s face.
They do fall apart. There’s not a second of someone else’s attention that isn’t scrutinized or causes jealousy. And yuri finds that her fingers don’t make yoona believe like they did in the beginning.
And how else could they end but by trying to strip the lies from underneath the other’s skin, grasping at them like ghosts, so sure it was true. they learn love isn’t as strong as parasites of doubt. they still try.
*
every time they crawl back, it gets harder to leave.
In the moment yoona sinks into yuri’s arms, yuri can’t remember the little betrayals. They get wiped clean, swept away and all she can remember is how good it feels to be loved.
She’s loved.
*