Twenty Years Later (5/7)

Nov 19, 2010 14:57

Part 5

On Thursday evening, just before midnight, Arthur’s phone gave a beep. A text message.

Went through Hunith’s entire fucking house last night. Found the letter though. Feel like a massive arse. Sorry.

Arthur looked at the screen, feeling a mixture of relief, hope and extreme fucking annoyance going through him. Part of him wanted to say See? I told you so, but he could tell that this could be the point in time when things changed between them, and this moment was more important and precious than anything else in the world.

No need to say sorry. It would seem apologies are my job to fuck up. His finger hovered over the keypad as he deliberated over how to finish the message, then quickly typed: I still stand by what I said, A x

Then he shut his eyes and pressed send. After a few seconds he opened them again and stared at his phone. He wasn’t sure if he'd written too much or too little. He hoped it wasn’t too much. The way things were with Merlin, even confirmation that Arthur had been telling the truth might be unwelcome, and the last thing he wanted to do was to push him away. The very thought terrified him.

His phone started to vibrate; Merlin was calling. It rang twice, then stopped.

Arthur tried to get his breathing back under control. Easier said than done. It was nearly impossible to resist the urge to call back, but somehow he managed it. Now was not the time to push. Now was not the time to move in and demand admissions that Merlin was probably in no position to make. Arthur had taken the fact the Merlin had tried to call to mean everything. His initial elation died when he considered the facts; all he really had right now was an admission that Merlin had read his letter. He'd written it twenty years ago; he had no idea if it would still matter now.

But instead of slipping back into the listlessness he feared and expected, he remembered what Morgana had said to him, and a little bit of the excitement he'd felt at hearing from Merlin returned. He might have been terrified about what was going to happen next, but if backing off was what he had to do to, then he would do it. He believed in him and Merlin. He believed in them.

He was just falling asleep when his phone went off again.

Sorry, bottled it. Will call you soon, promise. x.

A slow, burning warmth flooded Arthur's senses. He didn't want to over analyse it; he forced himself not to. He picked his phone back up and typed the one thing that he hoped would express what he thought and what he felt and how he hoped things would be.

x

~~~

Although it seemed that waiting for Merlin to get in touch was a hell that had been specially designed for him, if Arthur had learnt anything over the past few months it was that life would go on, so he decided that he might as well get on with things too.

There was something, and someone, that he had neglected for too long, but after he had seen her in the Dog and Duck, and what with everything that had happened since, Arthur realised that it was time to make his peace with Gwen.

They arranged to meet in a cafe not far from Gwen's London office. It wasn't somewhere Arthur knew, and he imagined Gwen suggested it only for convenience, but it was nice enough. Arthur arrived first, and while he waited for his drink to arrive, he wondered what it was he had to say to Gwen after all this time. He'd called her with a vague notion of needing to clear the air, but other than that, he wasn't sure what to expect.

After a few minutes, he saw her enter the cafe. She looked as groomed and well turned out as he remembered, but her brittleness and the tension she carried in her face seemed less obvious. He had glimpsed those smoothed out edges briefly when he'd seen her a few weeks ago, but in his haste to get away, he hadn't been able to take much in.

'Gwen,' Arthur said, taking her coat and gesturing to a waiter. 'You look really well.'

'Do I?' she said, sitting down. 'Thanks, Arthur.'

'So, how are you doing?' Arthur asked after a couple of minutes of measured, careful small talk. 'I'm sorry it's been so long but ... you know ...'

'I'm good,' Gwen said. 'I'm glad you got in touch. I was wondering how you were. Not that I thought you weren't doing well or anything. When I saw you a couple of weeks ago with your friend, you both looked like you were having a great time. It was just ...'

'It's okay, Gwen,' Arthur said. 'I wasn't doing brilliantly a while back, and it was too hard to get in touch with you, but it's not like that anymore. It's been months, I know, but I guess no one really knows how long these things take.'

'I guess so,' Gwen said, giving him a strange look. 'So how is everything?'

'Mostly getting there, I think,' Arthur said.

He asked Gwen about her job, and her family. Eventually, he summoned up the courage to ask her about Lance.

'It's fine,' she said.

'I'm glad, Gwen,' Arthur said. 'Truly, I am.'

Gwen loosened up a little after that. She still didn't give much away about her and Lance, and Arthur wasn’t sure how much detail he wanted, really, but every time his name was mentioned her face lit up, which was a lot easier to watch than he had ever thought it would be.

'And you're back in touch with Merlin from Uni again?' Gwen said. 'The one who was at the pub? He seemed like a good friend.'

'We're ... things are a bit strained between us right now,' said Arthur. 'But I'm hoping we'll sort it out.'

'Oh?' said Gwen.

'There's history,' Arthur said, not particularly wanting to go into detail. 'We were more than friends at Uni, but I ended it. I was lucky to get him back as a friend this time round, to be honest. He knows I'm sorry about what happened, but ... so much time has passed, I'm not sure if it matters now. To him anyway.'

'I wondered if you were more than friends,' Gwen said. 'It was when I said something to him, and he kind of flinched ---'

' --- you said what to him?'

'Oh,' said Gwen who, suddenly, seemed very reluctant to recount the conversation she'd had with Merlin. 'I, um, well, it seems horrible to repeat what I said with you sitting there.'

'Come on Gwen, spit it out.'

She looked away. 'It was about how I didn't love you enough to stay with you, but I still cared,' she said quickly. 'Or something like that. Sorry.'

So that was it, he thought. Merlin's accusations that Arthur was ashamed of their relationship, and that he wasn't good enough fitted into place now. Unfortunately, Merlin couldn't have been more mistaken.

'Did I say the wrong thing?' Gwen asked. 'I was trying to say that I wanted to see you.'

'No,' Arthur said. 'But it might explain a lot.'

Cautiously, Gwen looked across at him. 'Merlin was the person you lost wasn't he?' she said. 'The day we met. You never mentioned who, only that they were gone. But when I saw him, I remembered those photos, and how you used to take such good care of them.'

'You knew it was him?' Arthur said.

'Not really. Not then, but the way you talked about him, that one time, and then, when I spoke to him, I saw how protective he was of you.'

Gwen stirred her coffee. ‘What if he’d come back into your life before Lance came back into mine?’ she asked, out of nowhere. ‘Could you have helped how you felt if it had been the other way round?’

‘No,’ Arthur admitted, knowing from recent, bitter experience how impossible Merlin was to resist even when he was shouting and swearing and spitting fire.

‘So,’ she said, very gently, ‘if your feelings are strong enough that they could have broken a marriage up, then it's possible this matters just as much to him.'

‘I'm not sure he'll want to talk about it,' he said. ‘He hasn't before.'

Gwen placed her hands over his, and looked up at him with such conviction that Arthur knew for certain that she'd the same conversation with Lance, and she'd needed to be just as persuasive as he was going to have to be. ‘So you make him listen,’ she said. ‘You make him listen until he understands.’

Gwen looked at her watch and swore quietly. 'I'm so sorry, Arthur' she said. 'I've got a conference call scheduled in ten minutes. I've got to go.'

'That's okay,' Arthur said. 'It's been nice seeing you. It was a lot different to what I expected, if I'm being honest.'

Gwen nodded. 'You're a lot different too, Arthur,' she said. 'I thought you were going to want to talk about the properties, or money, or something. Maybe even vent that frustration you always seemed to carry around with you, but - and don't take this the wrong way - this has been really nice.'

'It has,' said Arthur, surprised that he agreed with her. 'Just because we're not together doesn't mean I don't care about you anymore.'

'Or I you,' Gwen said, standing up and pulling on her coat. 'I'd like for us to keep in touch. If that's what you want, too.'

'I know it's taken me a while to get there,' said Arthur, 'but it is what I want. And I'd like to know how it goes on your big day,' he said, looking pointedly at her engagement ring.

'Keep me posted about Merlin,' she said, pulling him into a brief hug. 'Don't let him get away.'

Arthur waved off her attempts to pick up the tab for coffee and, after she'd gone back to work, he ordered another cup and sat for a while, thinking about how things had turned out with him and Gwen. They were a long way from being friends, but he felt sure that one day, they might be again.

~~~

Where Hunith had, at least, approached things with her son diplomatically, Will, on the other hand, was far less tactful.

'Do you think I run away from my problems, Will?' Merlin asked him, over a Friday afternoon pint after work.

'Fuck, yeah,' Will said, setting his drink down. 'From what you've told me about you and Arthur, I'm surprised you aren't on a plane to South America right now.'

'Hilarious,' Merlin said, annoyed, suddenly, that apparently everyone thought he ran off at the first sign of trouble, yet no one had thought to mention it to him. 'So you think that getting the fuck away from Arthur was a bad thing to do? You think that leaving France after I had absolutely nothing left there, that was stupid?'

'No, dickhead,' said Will. 'What I'm saying is just because you've run away from a load of stuff in the past doesn't mean you have to do it now.'

'But what am I supposed to do?' said Merlin.

'Fuck, I don't know,' said Will. 'Sit tight. Talk to him, I suppose. You might not get the reaction you want, but then at least then there'll be no misunderstandings.'

'But what am I supposed to say?'

'Just spit it out, for fuck's sake,' he said. 'Tell him that you're still in love with him and see what he has to say about it.'

'Hang on,' said Merlin, 'I never said that.'

Will raised one eyebrow at him.

'Shut up,' Merlin said. 'But suppose I tell him, well ... that ... then what?'

Will shrugged. 'All being well, you can go ahead and book the church --- '

' --- fuck off, Will --- '

' --- and if it doesn't go your way, then I expect you'll feel like a twat for a few days. But it'll be done, and at least you'll know, and you can move on.'

Merlin nodded. He wasn't sure which of those eventualities filled him with more dread.

~~~

It was another three days before Merlin felt ready to contact Arthur again.

Can we talk?

It took exactly eleven seconds for Arthur to reply.

Sure. Drink? I'm free now.

No kiss this time, Merlin noted. But then again, why would he? He wanted to think that Arthur had been keeping his distance because he thought it was the right thing to do. And it was the right thing to do. Or at least it would have been if Merlin could stop worrying that Arthur had decided to cut his losses and wanted nothing more to do with him. The letter ... the letter had been heartfelt but confusing. And when Arthur had said that he still meant what he'd said, Merlin couldn’t understand why, and that had puzzled him even more. Arthur had been sorry - he got that; he’d had other shit going on - Merlin got that too. But things had changed between then and now, and he found it hard to believe that Arthur had given him more than a second thought over the years.

Merlin sighed. He wasn't sure he was going to follow Will's advice to the letter, but he most certainly wanted to clear the air.

Free now, too. Usual place?

Merlin must have been a little closer to the pub because he was the first to arrive. He got them both a drink, sat down and set about becoming more nervous with every Arthurless minute that passed.

'Hey,' said a voice behind him. Arthur. Merlin stood up, and before he knew it, he was pulled into a hug, and although it might have been wiser to step back the second he realised what was going on, all he could do was hold on and bury his head in Arthur's jumper.

'Sorry,' said Arthur, into his neck. 'It's just, I've really missed you.' From Arthur's lack of movement, it seemed he was as reluctant to let go as Merlin was, though they finally separated when they started to attract attention.

'Thanks for the drink,' Arthur said, sitting down opposite him. 'I'm surprised you got a seat, it's nearly nine.'

'So,' Merlin said, too nervous to want to waste any more time. 'I found your letter.'

'Okay,' said Arthur. 'And does it make any difference to, you know, things?'

'Of course it does,' Merlin said. 'I understand now, but all this time I didn't realise. I had no idea. Arthur, I wish you'd told me.'

'That doesn't matter,' Arthur said, his words hesitant, then rushed. 'I'm glad you did. Find it, I mean. At least you know what was going on, not that it excuses anything, really. But I'm glad anyway. I know you don't want to talk about what happened, I'm not going to make you.'

'Arthur,' Merlin said, laying his hand over Arthur's wrist. 'If I'd been willing to talk about things that time after the museum, then we might have had this conversation a long time ago. If you've got anything else to say then, please, say it.'

Arthur laughed. 'Okay then ... but you first ' he said, and moved his hand so their fingers could curl up together. Merlin was acutely aware of what was going on with their hands, and he was pretty sure that Arthur was too. They exchanged a warm, fond glance. Merlin smiled and gave a little shrug and tightened his grip on Arthur's hand.

'Okay then,' Merlin said. 'In your letter ... you said you still meant what you said. Do you? Can you even remember what you wrote back then?'

'Of course I can,' said Arthur. He looked almost offended. 'Why would I forget something like that?'

The next part was more difficult. There was a part of Merlin that was so unwilling to be proved wrong about this, so ready just not to know, that he had to drag the words out one by one.

'But if that's true,' said Merlin. 'Then those things ... about making a mistake, and missing me and,' his voice dropped very low, almost to a whisper, 'wanting me back. You still mean all of that?'

‘Yes,’ said Arthur, ‘All of those things. I still mean them.’

A broad grin started to spread across Merlin's face, but before he could do anything else, every lightbulb in the bar exploded and they were left in total darkness.

‘Fuck,’ said Merlin after a few seconds. ‘Fuck it. Not again.’

‘Merlin?’ A familiar pair of hands grasped his.

‘Arthur? Everything okay?’

‘Yeah fine. I think the lights have gone or something.'

‘Your powers of deduction are truly amazing, Arthur.'

Merlin felt a sharp poke in his ribs.

'After the light going, I can't believe you're trying to ruin this further by bloody snide remarks,' Arthur said.

‘Ruin what?'

'That moment we were having just then. The one you completely missed, apparently.'

'Ah. That moment.'

Without any warning at all, Merlin felt their hands separate, and the next movement was a dip in pressure as Arthur had settled down beside him.

‘But since we're here, there are a few things I want to say. If that's okay with you?'

Merlin felt Arthur's fingers ghost over his hair for a second, and because it was dark, and he really couldn’t help himself, he leaned towards them, craving more contact, even as he told himself he should be keeping a safe distance.

‘Arthur,’ he breathed. ‘Just tell me.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Arthur said. ‘I knew something was wrong. After we saw Gwen. But I didn't know what. I was too stupid to realise until it was too late, even when you said those things -‘

‘ -what things? -‘

‘ -at the group, when I wasn't supposed to be listening. I want you to know that it wasn’t you. It was never you, and if I could take it all back I would. I fucked up monumentally, and if you didn't want anything to do with me, I wouldn't blame you. I just needed you to know it wasn't you. I think the world of you, Merlin. I always have.’

Merlin heard Arthur’s breathing, rapid and hitched, just next to his ear.

‘That is the best it's not you, it's me speech I've heard for a long time,' Merlin said, very softly, and rested his head on Arthur’s shoulder. ‘But you don't get off the hook that easily, Arthur Pendragon, because it's not true, that I don’t want anything to do with you.'

'I want you to trust me again,' Arthur said, the most serious that Merlin had ever heard him. 'I know it's a lot to ask, and it probably won't happen overnight, but I want to be around for longer than that, and I want to be able to prove to you that I am worthy of your trust.'

'Arthur,' Merlin said, his mind scrambling to take in what Arthur was saying.

'So,' Arthur pressed. 'Is there any chance you could trust me again?'

'I want to,' Merlin said. 'I'd like to try. But Arthur, there's something else I need to --- '

‘Really?’ Arthur cut across him. 'You think you could?' Merlin felt the displacement of warm air as Arthur turned his head slightly, and just as he felt lips brush against his temple, the temporary lighting came on.

‘Brilliant,’ Arthur muttered. 'Perfect timing.'

He made to move back, but Merlin reached over and stroked the side of his face, drawing him close again.

‘I thought the timing was spot on,’ said Merlin, and seeing his own nervousness and frustration and desire mirrored in Arthur's eyes, he kissed him.

The kiss was soft and very, very tentative, their lips barely brushing together, hardly even touching. At first, even that was almost too much for Merlin; his senses were flooded with a heady combination of memory and anticipation, and it took him a couple of seconds to ground himself and then push for more. He leant into Arthur, shifting as close as he could. He wanted to drown in the inquisitive, wet slide of Arthur's tongue against his, and from the long, shuddering sigh that Arthur made when they drew apart and grinned at each other stupidly, Merlin thought he might be feeling the same thing too

They sat easily against each other, not wanting to attract too much attention, but unwilling to quite let go of one another. Arthur rested his head on Merlin's shoulder; their hands were still threaded together, and Merlin's thumb traced lazy circles across the back of Arthur's hand.

'I liked that,' Merlin said, in a statement that covered a tiny fraction of what he meant.

'Good,' said Arthur, looking up at him, 'because I, for one, would like some more, but with more nakedness and sex thrown in.'

'Possibly somewhere a little more private, though.'

'I should hope so,' Arthur said, and reached up to ruffle his hair. Merlin wondered how many minutes, exactly, he would last until he insisted Arthur come back to his and make good on his promise.

Arthur sat up slightly so he was level with Merlin, and kissed the tip of his nose. 'Thank you,' he whispered, stroking along his cheekbone. His voice was only just audible above the renewed noise of the bar. 'I know it won't be easy for you to trust me again; you don't know how much it means to me that you're prepared to try.'

Merlin could feel himself blush at Arthur's sincerity and, overwhelmed, he looked down at where their hands were still clasped together. In truth, he had been expecting to feel blind panic at what he'd just agreed to. He knew he probably would, at some point down the line, once everything started to sink in, but for now it felt okay, and he wanted to go with that.

'It's funny,' Arthur said, sprawling back so Merlin had almost no choice but to throw an arm around his shoulder. 'It was always things like the lights going that used to freak me out before. You know, when we were at Uni.'

Oh fuck, Merlin thought, remembering what he'd been just about to tell Arthur before the lights came back on. 'Um, Arthur, I know,' he said.

'Really?' Arthur said, entirely missing the significance of what Merlin was saying. 'I didn't think you ever noticed. Well, apart from just then. That was kind of obvious.'

Then, with a predatory glint in his eyes, and no warning whatsoever, Arthur pulled Merlin close to him again. 'Your hair,' he murmured, running careful, possessive fingers through the silver-grey strands at Merlin's temples. 'I love your hair. I've wanted to touch it for so long.'

'Arthur, I'm trying to be serious here, not to mention that we might be putting people off their drinks, ' Merlin said, 'and you - ' he gasped involuntarily as Arthur shifted his attention and started to mouth the nape of his neck, ' - are most definitely not helping.'

Arthur leaned back, though he kept his hand curled around Merlin's neck, and continued toying with his hair. 'Okay, out with it then.'

Merlin's head swam as he took in the enormity and, quite possibly, the stupidity of what he was just about to do. 'Arthur,' he said, 'I need to tell you something. Nothing bad -' he said quickly, feeling instantly guilty as he saw alarm creep into Arthur's face, where only moments before there had been simple, unguarded happiness. 'I just ... there's something. But I can't tell you here.'

Arthur frowned. 'What is it, Merlin? If you can't tell me right now, then it has to be something bad.'

Merlin shook his head. 'It's not. But Arthur, you need to trust me for a bit now. Please?'

'Course I trust you,' Arthur said, though he still looked worried. 'Let's get out of here.'

They left the pub and walked down the leaf-covered path by the river, until they found an empty bench.

All the way there, Merlin had been trying desperately to pull his thoughts together, despite his mind wanting to race away anywhere apart from towards the matter in hand. The truth was that he was terrified. It was all very well agreeing to try to trust someone in principle, and Arthur was trying to make it easy for him by not expecting everything at once, but it didn't get away from the fact that although he wanted to - had decided to - tell Arthur about his magic, he had no idea how to approach it without seeming entirely crazy, and ending up losing Arthur just as fast as he'd found him again.

It came down to trust, he supposed. Despite his fears and misgivings, when Arthur had said that he wanted to prove himself, Merlin had believed him, and had been prepared to take that risk.

But that what if Arthur's promise had only been as far as they - he and Arthur - went? His magic was something entirely different. Sometimes he wasn't sure he even believed it himself, so it wasn't too much of a leap to think it was asking too much of someone to hear what he had to say, and be prepared to stick around afterwards. But - and he had kind of known this all along - if he wanted to be with Arthur as completely as he hoped they could be, he would have to get this secret, vital, fundamental part of him out in the open. It was the final step and now, terrifying and exhilarating in equal measures, it was about to happen, and there was nothing that could prepare him for it. Nothing apart from faith in him and Arthur, and both of them together.

'So what is it?' Arthur said. 'You've been sitting here staring into space for ages.'

'Okay,' said Merlin, trying to convince himself of what he was just about to say. 'Okay. But remember, you have to trust me.'

'Fucking hell, Merlin,' Arthur said. 'Just tell me. It can't be that bad. I'm freezing here and I all I can think of is a bunch of non-freezing things we could be doing.'

'All right, all right,' Merlin said, inhaling like he was taking his last breath. 'Well, let's start off with the really crazy shit then. I, er, well. I can do magic.'

He looked at Arthur, expecting an entirely different reaction from the one he got, which was laughter.

'Is that it?' Arthur chuckled, wrapping an arm around him. 'You dragged me all the way out here to tell me you can do magic tricks like David Blaine or something? Well, go on then, show me.'

This was not going well. This was not going well at all.

'Arthur, I'm not talking about magic tricks. It's magic. I can do magic. I'm a sorcerer.'

Arthur pulled away, and gave him a suspicious look. 'You think - you actually think - you can do real magic?' he said.

Merlin cringed at Arthur's tone. He had hardly expected him to shrug it off as if it was something he heard every day. Of course Arthur would think he was delusional, but then what else would he think? It was up to him to convince him otherwise without driving him away in the process.

'I don't think it, Arthur,' he said, as gently as he could manage. 'I can.'

'But Merlin, really ---'

Merlin shut his eyes. 'It's true. Please believe me.'

Arthur raised a highly suspicious eyebrow, and when he spoke, his words were slow and careful and, Merlin imagined, he was only a few steps away from calling in mental health professionals. 'I know you might think you can do magic but ---'

'Arthur, I asked you to trust me. I know it's a lot to ask ---'

'--- I do trust you, but surely you know that magic isn't real ---'

'--- but that's what I'm trying to tell you ---'

'---Merlin, you might think that it is ---'

'--- I know it is. If you'd just give me a chance to ---'

'--- but whatever you think, you've got to believe you're somehow mistaken.'

'I'm not mistaken. Arthur this is real, I can ---'

'No it isn't.'

'Yes, it is.'

'No. It isn't.'

They stared at each other for a moment, neither prepared to back down. Eventually Arthur spoke: 'Alright then,' he said, very gently. 'What makes you think magic is real?'

Merlin looked at Arthur, and then all around them, checking that no one was about to walk by. He had every idea about what he was going to do next, but absolutely no idea what was going to happen after that.

'This,' he said. He stared hard at the pile of leaves on the path in front of them. Then he extended his hand, muttered a few words and sat back as they both watched the leaves rise off the ground, arrange themselves into a neat spiral pattern and spin round and round, before separating and hanging in the air in front of them in a sparse, mismatched, autumnal pattern.

'Fuck,' said Arthur. 'You could have given me some warning, Merlin. You might want to put those leaves down now, by the way.' Then, finally, realisation of what he'd just seen spread across his face.

'Merlin,' he said, as the leaves settled gently back on the path. 'You did that? Just by -' and he waved his hand around.

'Yes.'

'But that's --- '

'Magic. Yes, I know.'

'But -' Arthur shot up, and instinctively Merlin stood too. 'Fuck,' Arthur said. 'Fuck.'

Then Arthur's eyes rolled up and he staggered backwards, and Merlin only just caught him just in time. 'It's okay,' he said, lowering Arthur to the bench. 'I've got you. Sweetheart, I've got you.'

~~~

When Arthur came to, he found that he was lying along the full length of the bench with something soft - possibly a jumper or a coat - under his head.

He blinked woozily, and Merlin came into focus; he was crouching down, wide-eyed, and about three inches away from Arthur's face. He looked relieved, but he also looked very, very nervous, and that was more of a mystery. Still fuzzy-headed, Arthur ran back through the conversation they'd been having, but he couldn't think of anything that might explain the expression on Merlin's face.

It had been perfectly fine as far as he could remember: Merlin had wanted to tell him something important and he recalled - with a pleasant shiver - that he'd been far more interested in exploiting the possibilities of the warm, pale skin of Merlin's neck, and the texture and colour of his hair. Arthur couldn't quite suppress a smile at the memory, which had the effect of making Merlin look even more concerned. Now, if only his brain would click into gear, and he could remember exactly what they'd been talking about, then he might be able to reassure him.

Arthur racked his brains, his thoughts still all over the place. Merlin had been talking about some magic trick he'd learnt, hadn't he? But then again, that didn't feel quite right. Still ... he had the strongest feeling that it did have something to do with magic. Yes, he was pretty sure about that. Ah, he remembered now ... Merlin thought he was magic, and Arthur had been trying to explain to him why he couldn't be. Yes, that must be it; Merlin must be worried about what Arthur thought of him, but he knew better than anyone what it was like to imagine things that weren't there. Arthur smiled at Merlin affectionately, and pushed himself up so he was sitting, his mind rushing towards the remaining details.

Merlin's outlandish belief wasn't it either. There had been something else at the end of the conversation. He remembered now: Merlin wouldn't have it that magic wasn't real and in the end, exasperated, Arthur had told him to prove it, and Merlin had raised his hand and ... and ... and ...

Finally, everything came back into focus.

Oh.

'Arthur, are you okay? Say something, please.'

'Merlin,' Arthur said, 'how long have I been out? Did I bump my head or something?'

'No,' Merlin said, moving onto the bench next to Arthur. 'Your head's fine. You've only been out for a few minutes.'

'Right,' said Arthur. 'Well, I did have two possible explanations for what just happened, but since I'm not suffering from a head injury, one of them has just been ruled out.'

'It looks that way, yes,' Merlin said.

'So, what I saw. With the leaves ...'

'It was real,' Merlin said, and looked down at his slowly twisting fingers which, as Arthur realised as he followed his gaze, were shaking. Arthur looked up again, into Merlin's huge, uncertain eyes, and despite the thousands of questions on the tip of his tongue, all he wanted to do was to give in to an overwhelming urge to comfort him, and tell him that everything was going to be alright.

'It was real,' Arthur repeated, covering Merlin's freezing cold hands with his own. 'You can do magic. Okay ---'

'You're freaking out, aren't you?' Merlin said. 'I'm sorry. I should never have ---'

Arthur laughed. 'Merlin,' he said, 'of course I'm freaking out. Who wouldn't be? But don't look so worried; I'm not angry with you, and I'm not going to run off and disappear.'

'You're not?'

Arthur paused. He wanted to find the right thing to say, but it needed to be the honest thing too. 'Don't be stupid; you're stuck with me now. It's just ... a lot to take in. I'm still trying to process it, I guess.'

'You should try keeping it to yourself your whole life,' Merlin said, a barely detectable edge to his voice.

'Hang on,' said Arthur. 'No one knows about this?'

'Not until now.'

'But you said you'd had this ... this ... magic all your life. You must have wanted to tell someone about it.'

'Of course I did,' Merlin said, 'but by the time I realised I was different - I could only have been five or six - I already knew no one thought it was real. I was scared. I thought I'd be taken away from my parents if I said anything; when I grew older I just thought I'd be locked away if I said anything. So I didn't. What would you have done if you were me?'

Probably exactly the same thing, Arthur thought. 'But it must have been like pretending a part of you didn't exist,' he said.

Merlin looked away, his eyes tightly shut, his mouth, usually so expressive, drawn into a tight line. Arthur had never seen him so vulnerable, but he wasn't surprised. He couldn't imagine what it was like to have a secret you couldn't share with anyone. He was used to a life of acceptance, where the only restrictions he faced were those that he'd placed upon himself.

Arthur reached forward and cupped Merlin's cheek, guiding him back so they faced one another again. 'Merlin,' he said, dropping his hand, 'I can't pretend that I don't find this weird and incomprehensible, or that I know how to react, but none of that really matters. Not to me anyway. You're still you, and that's the important part.'

'I think you're in shock,' Merlin said. 'You're being far too reasonable about this.'

'Maybe,' Arthur said, shuffling closer. 'Probably. There may be a slight element of shock. But you asked me to trust you, and that's what I'm trying to do.'

Merlin breathed out unevenly and Arthur thought he saw the ghost of a smile twitch, briefly, at the corners of his mouth. He had been telling Merlin the truth when he'd said this was weird, but he also knew that if he brushed it under the carpet, and pretended it wasn’t there, then it was just going to get weirder, and if he knew anything about relationships at all it was what happened when people refused to acknowledge what was staring them in the face.

'Why don't you tell me about it?' Arthur asked. 'You could show me some more, if you liked.'

Merlin made a surprised sound, which might have been a laugh. ‘Are you sure?’ he said, suspiciously.

‘Merlin,' Arthur said, 'of course I’m sure. I want to know, and I want to see; if you'll show me.’ He reached forward and kissed him again. He had half-anticipated that Merlin would freeze - as he did - for an instant, and when he had started to kiss back, more enthusiastically this time than last, Arthur wondered if his own sigh of relief had been audible or it had been lost somewhere in amongst the layers of hitched breaths, or the bruising, noisy wetness of their mouths, or the powerful rush of blood pounding through his ears.

At the sound of passersby, Merlin pulled away, his bottom lip still wet. 'Let's walk, then,' he said. 'I don't really want to do anything when there are people around.'

They set off down the river path, the lights from the pub and the nearby houses fading away the further away they walked. Merlin wrapped his right arm around Arthur's waist, capturing his hand, and threading their fingers together.

'So how do you know what to do, if no one's ever taught you?' Arthur asked.

'I don't really,' Merlin said. 'Some of it's instinctive, but mostly it's been trial and error, with a little bit of help from books and relics along the way.'

'That must have been hard.'

'Bloody dangerous, more like,' Merlin snorted, leaning his cheek against Arthur's, the slow pace of their walking allowing for the soft, companionable contact. 'I wish I'd had someone to teach me,' he continued, and the yearning and loneliness in his voice went straight to the pit of Arthur's stomach, and twisted, 'there would have been far less damage, for a start.'

'So you've really met no one like you? Not ever?'

'Not for lack of trying. I've had a sense of it from a few people, but it always came to nothing. I can feel it in crowds too, though it's impossible to pinpoint individuals then, but sometimes it's very powerful, and it kind of gave me hope that the magic just might not have been very strong with the ones I've had relationships with.'

'Relationships?' said Arthur. 'So everyone you thought had magic, you've gone and dated?' He hadn't meant to react so sharply, so judgmentally, really, but he'd been rejected on the grounds of something he could never be once before. He'd taken it hard, and he dreaded that particular bottomless pit opening up again.

'Hang on,' Merlin said, 'I wasn't married for ten years. You can hardly compare ---' then he looked at Arthur, and the worry on his face, and something passed between them, and when Merlin spoke again, Arthur thought it might have been something like understanding.

'Arthur,' Merlin said, coming to a complete stop. 'It's not like that; I don't just want people who might have magic. Not that they didn't mean anything, but I had to try and find out about myself. I couldn't have you, so ---' he gestured inarticulately around him. 'If I'd had the choice, I'd have done a lot of things differently. Sort of like how we're doing things now.'

'Walking along a freezing riverbank?' Arthur said, as they started moving again.

'Exactly,' Merlin said, squeezing him closer. 'I'd rather this any day.'

Merlin's last statement had caused emotions to flare up in Arthur's chest that were too strong to deal with, and he changed the subject quickly. 'So, do you have spells or what?' he said.

'Some. Not many. I've had to learn how to control it and work with it myself, really.'

Arthur rolled his eyes. 'I dread to think how that went. Actually, on that basis alone, I can't believe you managed to keep it hidden for so long.'

'Colossal levels of fear tend to work for me,' Merlin said. 'And there was a lot of error in with the trial thing. Strong feelings tend to set it off if I'm not careful, and the magic just goes all over the place.'

'What sort of things?' he said. When Merlin didn't answer immediately, Arthur tilted his head back for a better look, and saw the same mixture of uncertainty and resolution that had been present just before he'd announced that he could do magic.

'Um. There's something else that you might not be too pleased about,' said Merlin.

'What's that then?' said Arthur.

'When we were at Uni,' Merlin said. 'I was having a really hard time with it, especially after I met you. I was young, and pretty careless too, when I used my magic. Now and again I just couldn't control it, and it caused havoc. You know, like tonight with the lights.'

'The lights? That was you?'

Merlin nodded. 'I'm a lot better with it now, but when things are very intense, or I feel very strongly about something, sometimes a little bit just gets away.'

'And before the lights went, we were talking about ... oh,' said Arthur, blushing.

'Yes,' Merlin said, with a soft, self-deprecating laugh. 'It appears I'm completely unprepared for emotional honesty. Though that's not to say it wasn't very welcome.'

'But what were you saying about university?' Arthur prompted. 'I can't remember anything, you know, magical, happening. The lights were always a bit funny when you were around, I suppose.'

'All those things thought you saw,' Merlin said. He was talking very quickly now. 'When you thought you were going mad. I think I might have had a hand in that. Not deliberately, but it makes more sense than your explanation. I saw the things you told me about a couple of times, too, but you didn't say anything at the time I thought you hadn't noticed.'

'Saw what, when?' Arthur said, his eyes narrowing as a few more pieces fitted into place.

'It was usually after we'd --- you know --- we'd done stuff.'

'Merlin, we're grown men. If you're talking about the times we fooled around a bit ---'

'Fooled around?' Merlin retorted, one eyebrow raised in challenge. 'If we're talking crap euphemisms, then you're just lost your right to give me a hard time about it.'

'Fine,' Arthur said, 'if you're talking about that time when we'd been kissing and fumbling around for hours and then finally, finally you got some sort of clue and unbuttoned my jeans and stuck your hand down my ---'

'-that wasn't the only time ---'

'It was the only time my sheets were scorched afterwards. I had to throw them out. And now I think about it, there was always something. My things were always rearranged, furniture moved, I even thought I saw stuff floating around once. That was you wasn't it?'

'Maybe,' said Merlin weakly. 'Probably.'

'And the tidying? Everything was always neat when you were round. You said you'd cleaned for me, but I'd seen you trying to sort your tiny room out and it always took hours. I'd go out for five minutes, and when I got back everything would be spotless.'

'I thought it would be helpful! You were stressed out. I didn't think you'd notice.'

'And I suppose you're responsible for the constant smell of jasmine as well?' Arthur said.

'It was supposed to be calming ---'

'Not if you're not expecting it to be there, it isn't.'

'Sorry,' Merlin mumbled.

'I should bloody think so,' Arthur said, elbowing him. But as well as the humour of the misunderstanding and the memories, there was something else, something darker, weighing on Arthur's mind, and as much as he wanted to let it go, he found that he couldn't.

'Merlin,' Arthur said, very quietly. 'Did you let me believe that I was going mad?'

'I didn't know!' Merlin said. 'Not until I found your letter a few days ago. I thought I'd been helping. I didn't realise I might have been responsible for your breakdown and our demise. God, Arthur, if I'd known that was what was going to happen, your room would have looked like a shithole for the entire first year. God, I can't believe you'd think that.'

'I don't want to. But finding out something you'd always thought wasn't real, actually is, and then finding out something you always put down to the faulty wiring in your brain, was probably nothing to do with you at all ... it's ... well ...'

'You're not sure what to think,' Merlin said.

'I wasn't. I needed to be sure,' Arthur said. 'I am now.'

They found a small clearing a few minutes later. There were a few logs and the ashy remains of a fire in front of them; it was obviously used for picnics or a meeting place during the day, but it was deserted now. As they settled on the logs, Merlin looked across at Arthur.

'Last chance then,' he said. 'After this, there's no pretending. There's no going back.'

'I don't want to,' Arthur said.

Merlin closed his eyes and concentrated on the ashes of the fire in front of them. He whispered words in a language that Arthur had never heard, and the charred branches and leaves burst into flame.

'So that's got rid of the heat issue,' Merlin said, looking thoughtfully into the flames, as Arthur looked on, speechless. 'Arthur? I could show you something now,' he said, as if he hadn't just used magic to get the fire going. 'Do you have one of those business cards on you?'

'What?' Arthur said. 'Oh, yes,' he said, pulling his wallet out of his jean pocket. As he took out the card with the dragonfly design and passed it to Merlin.

'I lied about my tattoo,' Merlin said, studying the card. 'When you asked me when I'd got it, it wasn't last year. It was the same year you chose this as your design. I wanted something to remind me of you. I remembered we used to go walking down by the river. You know I even thought of it when I was walking down the fucking Thames, watching the dragonflies. For all I know it was the same day as you.'

'Why didn't you say something?' Arthur asked, though he suspected he knew the answer.

'I didn't want it to mean anything, I guess,' Merlin said. 'I'd been through it before, and I'd been wrong, or at least I thought I had been. I didn't want to hope for things I couldn't have.'

'I'm sorry,' Arthur said.

'It's not your fault,' Merlin said, and leant his head against Arthur's shoulder. 'And it hardly matters now.' One of his hands came to rest on the top of Arthur's leg, stroking it almost absently.

Merlin held the business card in his other hard, his fingers tracing over the intricate, stencilled design. He placed it on the ground, flicked his fingers and then, without warning, there was a small explosion from the fire, and sparks flew up in a gold and amber cloud and hovered just above the crackling, burning wood.

'Look,' Merlin said, as the cloud shimmered and blurred, and then, from the centre, a dragonfly, made entirely from light, emerged. Soon it was joined by another, and another, and another and more still, until there were hundreds of them, flitting and flying together in the dark.

Arthur sat and watched, knowing full well that his mouth was probably open, but not quite being able to do anything but wait for what was going to happen next. The little swarm moved closer and closer to where he and Merlin sat. Merlin smiled, the black and silver of his hair gleaming, his features perfectly illuminated by the light of the creatures he had created. His confidence and excitement and unassuming skill nearly took Arthur's breath away, and in that moment he truly looked like the sorcerer he said he was.

Merlin lifted his arm up, his palm outstretched, and he beckoned to the dragonflies. A few - five or six - came to rest in his upturned palm, their wings still moving lazily now and again. At close range, Arthur could see that they were almost identical to the picture on his business card. From memory, it was almost the same as the tattoo on Merlin's shoulder blade.

'Could I?' Arthur asked, looking at the dragonflies on Merlin's hand. Merlin turned to him and grinned. 'Go on,' he said.

Arthur held out his arm tentatively. He didn't gesture like Merlin had, but was pleasantly gratified when a few of the magical little insects started to move in his direction. He was expecting them to feel hot, or warm at least, but when they settled on his hand he felt a cool sensation that was localised to his palm at first, but after a few seconds, started to radiate slowly up his arm.

'You still okay with this?' Merlin asked. Arthur nodded, too transfixed by the scene unfolding in front of him to construct a more sensible answer.

Merlin pressed a light, careful kiss to his temple and whispered a couple of words, as incomprehensible as those he'd used to ignite the fire earlier. Then, all except one of the dragonflies left their hands and returned to the cloud that hovered in the background.

The cloud shimmered and dissolved into millions of tiny points of light, before disappearing back into nothing. Merlin brought his hand up to link his fingers with Arthur's, and the remaining magical creature on his hand started to shimmer like the others, but this time it grew brighter before bursting into tiny sparks. This time, instead of feeling cold like before, Arthur's hand was engulfed by warmth that radiated up his body until it reached the centre of his chest.

Arthur waited for the last of the magic to fade to nothing before looking over at Merlin.

In amongst the wonder and plain surreality of what had just happened, there had been a part of him that was desperately worried that maybe it would be too much to take in, but even though he was awed by the enormity of what Merlin had just shown him, apart from right at the start, with the leaves, he hadn't felt anything but acceptance and an odd sense of peace.

Way back, when they had been fumbling around, trying to define who they were in relation to one another, Arthur had been slightly jealous of Merlin's nonchalance about his sexuality, and how he had made no attempt to define it or hide it or make it into something it wasn't. Now he knew about this other facet of Merlin, that was so huge and so different to anything that he could even have imagined, it threw that into a completely different perspective, and he laughed quietly to himself.

'What's so funny?' Merlin asked. 'You're not going hysterical on me now, are you?'

'No, no, just thinking,' Arthur said, feeling a twinge of guilt at how Merlin's uncertainty could bubble up to the surface so quickly. 'It must have been a lot to keep to yourself, over the years, is all,' he said.

Merlin looked back at him, still nervous, and nodded. 'You wouldn't believe what a relief it is to share it.'

'It feels like that for me, too, now you've told me,' Arthur said. 'Calm, I suppose, rather than relief; it's not like I knew I had anything to be relieved about. But you trusted me enough to be honest, and you didn't have to do that.' He smiled. 'If it was the other way round I'm pretty sure you're the only person I would have wanted to tell.'

'If it was the other way round,' Merlin said, elbowing him on the ribs, 'I expect the trail of devastation would be unimaginable.'

'I sincerely doubt that,' Arthur said, shoving him back. 'And while we're on the subject,' said Arthur, 'now we've established the fact you're a -' he took a deep breath, still not quite used to the terminology, 'well, a sorcerer, and you drove me half-mad with it -'

' --- not intentionally ---'

' --- that's your story,' Arthur said, but he looked at Merlin warmly as he spoke, and reached up to brushed his hair away from his face. 'Anyway, after all those revelations, I was wondering if you had anything else you wanted to say?'

Merlin looked at him nervously, almost guiltily, and looked away again.

'All this ...' he said, gesturing to himself, and to where the dragonflies had been. 'Are you sure it doesn't change things? Because if it does, then I'd rather know now. I wouldn't blame you, you know, if you were thinking about running as far away from me as possible.'

'Merlin,' Arthur said, 'whether you have magic or you don't has nothing to do with how I feel about you, or how much I want you. If anything, I'm more convinced things are going to work this time, because this time we've been honest with each other. And the running off works both ways: if you think you don't want this, I'll walk away. I won't want to, but I love you and I want you to be happy, so if that's what's best for you, then I will.'

Merlin was biting the fuck out of his bottom lip and looking down at his hands, like he was trying to hold himself together.

'Sorry. That was too much, wasn't it?' Arthur said, 'but ...well ... you trusted me enough to want to be with me again. You can trust me with your magic too.'

Merlin brought his hand round to the back of Arthur's neck, resting on a spot that, when he stroked his fingers across it, rendered Arthur almost incapable of coherent thought. 'I, maybe, er, I do have something to tell you after all.' Merlin said, as their eyes met. 'Though the fact that we've been sitting here on a pretty uncomfortable log for god knows how long, freezing our arses off, might have given you a clue.'

'I don't want clues.'

'Alright then,' Merlin said. 'I love you.' He paused and glanced at Arthur, shy and sidelong and just a little bit cheeky. 'Is that unambiguous enough?'

Arthur's smile, similarly unambiguous, was all he confirmation he needed to give.

'It felt good to let that all out,' Merlin said. 'Obviously, you not losing it was a massive fucking bonus. Not yet anyway. Are you ---'

'Stop asking me if I'm okay,' Arthur said, 'I've never been more okay. Now, come here.'
He pulled Merlin closer and, seemingly without thinking about it, Merlin slid down so his head rested on Arthur's lap.

Despite it being a cold, cold night, they found themselves unable stop talking for hours. Arthur found out that Merlin had always been like this. He found out that even though it was weird as fuck, Merlin was still Merlin, and even though he felt a shock go through him every time he traced something that lit up the air to illustrate or emphasise his point, the jolt was close enough to belonging and desire for the strangeness to make any difference.

'You don't mind?' Merlin asked, pulling himself up so he could rest against Arthur's chest. 'Me doing this. The magic, I mean. I get a bit carried away sometimes.'

'I like it,' Arthur said, after a few moments consideration. Seeing this new secret part of him was like meeting him all over again and, as he let his hand slip under Merlin's shirt eliciting an approving sound, he found he wanted to get to know him all over again.

'I want ... can we? ... I want to get closer to you,' Merlin said, his hands pushing past Arthur's jeans until they reached the waistband of the boxers underneath.

'Fuck, Merlin, so do I,' Arthur said, shivering as he felt Merlin's fingers slide down further. 'But it's bloody freezing; can't you make the fire hotter or something?'

'Huh? Um, yeah?' Merlin said and the fire roared into life with nothing more than a negligent hand gesture. Then he rubbed his hands over his eyes, and seemed to droop a little.

'What's up?' Arthur asked. 'You okay?'

'It's nothing,' Merlin said. 'It's the magic. It takes a lot out of you, you know?'

'No, I didn't know,' said Arthur, taking a closer look at him. 'God Merlin, you're really pale. Does this always happen?'

'Usually,' Merlin admitted, 'It's not too bad with this sort of thing; I just get tired. It's worse with people.'

'People?' Arthur's forehead wrinkled as he struggled to understand what Merlin meant.

'If they're ill, or hurt or something,' Merlin said, his eyes darkening for a moment. 'You kind of take it into yourself.'

'Like if you healed a broken leg, your leg would be broken too?'

'Not quite,' Merlin said, yawning, and burrowing further into Arthur's shoulder. 'But it's not ... without risks. Just don't go deliberately breaking your leg, is all I'm saying.'

'Well, in any case, you should be taking it easy,' Arthur said, picking a twig out of Merlin's hair. 'I've kept you up too long; it's nearly one o'clock. We should head back.'

'Is that the time? Bloody hell,' Merlin said, smiling lazily. 'Perhaps we should continue this somewhere less, well, outdoors.'

'Merlin,' Arthur said. 'You need to rest.'

'Can't I rest with you? said Merlin, so sweetly petulant that Arthur found it impossible to think of a reason why he shouldn't.

Part Six

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