[21]
...Of course it's over now. Was there ever any doubt it would be?
That was absolutely ridiculous, in any case.
[Private-but-not]
I tend to wonder lately, it seems, what became of those I remembered.
The one who stuck by me so tightly, moreso than any of the others, who I found a friend in as soon as we met... Shou. He began calling me "big brother". It's something I never seemed to think much of back then, but now, the thought won't leave me alone.
Am I deserving of such a name? What did I do to earn it? I was a foolish child back then... I remember my actions at the time and cannot help but recoil in disgust at how utterly stupid I was. I was ignorant, shallow, naive, and far too laid-back for my own good. So what did he see in me that I can't upon reflection?
What about the others? Where are they? Are they dead, perhaps? For me to be this way... did they abandon me at some point, or did I abandon them? Which is worse, I wonder?
And Yubel... perhaps once upon a time, she was important to me, more than anything. More than my parents, or the children I played with, or the rest of my belongings. That time... there was her, and no one else. It's... more deep of a bond than I want to say it was.
Something still strikes me about Johan, as well. While I haven't remembered him... he remembers me. I feel almost as though I don't need to remember him to know him, though. But... at the same time, there is a great distance between us, despite the practically magnetic, charismatic pull he exudes. I don't really know him, in truth. And yet I don't know whether I really want to or not.
I still don't understand what anyone sees in me now. There's just so many ugly things inside me, things that are so difficult to see beyond. Anger and frustration, yes. Pride, hatred, impatience, bitterness, greed, fury, arrogance... But I am forced to hold them all back. If I don't, they'll destroy everything around me.
But in the end... this will be worth the trouble of keeping everyone at a safe distance away from me. They won't harm me, and I won't have to harm them.
The effort to stop it from happening... just isn't worth it...
That was absolutely ridiculous, in any case.
[Private-but-not]
I tend to wonder lately, it seems, what became of those I remembered.
The one who stuck by me so tightly, moreso than any of the others, who I found a friend in as soon as we met... Shou. He began calling me "big brother". It's something I never seemed to think much of back then, but now, the thought won't leave me alone.
Am I deserving of such a name? What did I do to earn it? I was a foolish child back then... I remember my actions at the time and cannot help but recoil in disgust at how utterly stupid I was. I was ignorant, shallow, naive, and far too laid-back for my own good. So what did he see in me that I can't upon reflection?
What about the others? Where are they? Are they dead, perhaps? For me to be this way... did they abandon me at some point, or did I abandon them? Which is worse, I wonder?
And Yubel... perhaps once upon a time, she was important to me, more than anything. More than my parents, or the children I played with, or the rest of my belongings. That time... there was her, and no one else. It's... more deep of a bond than I want to say it was.
Something still strikes me about Johan, as well. While I haven't remembered him... he remembers me. I feel almost as though I don't need to remember him to know him, though. But... at the same time, there is a great distance between us, despite the practically magnetic, charismatic pull he exudes. I don't really know him, in truth. And yet I don't know whether I really want to or not.
I still don't understand what anyone sees in me now. There's just so many ugly things inside me, things that are so difficult to see beyond. Anger and frustration, yes. Pride, hatred, impatience, bitterness, greed, fury, arrogance... But I am forced to hold them all back. If I don't, they'll destroy everything around me.
But in the end... this will be worth the trouble of keeping everyone at a safe distance away from me. They won't harm me, and I won't have to harm them.
The effort to stop it from happening... just isn't worth it...