The warlock through the stationery cupboard
Well if you have strayed here by mistake, here is your last chance to turn back now.
This is my contribution to the First Annual LiveJournal Rabbit Hole Day. So if you really have nothing better to do....
It was a Thursday and another week was drawing to a close. In a bold attempt to avoid doing any work for as long as possible, Mr Warlock had borrowed the key to the stationery cupboard on some pretext of needing some folders and document wallets. But what he really intended to do was skive and sniff Tipex thinner.
Clutching the key in his hand as though it were the second most precious thing in his life he strode over to the far end of the office and unlocked the stationary cupboard door. Closing the door behind him and switching on the light, he pauses momentary whilst his eyes adjust and then seeks out the items that he claimed to need. He then turns his attention to the item on the top shelf in the farthest of the cupboards in the little room. For here is housed the Tipex thinner, which is now firmly in the grasp of the errant warlock. "Just one blast", thinks the warlock to himself as he unscrews the top and inhales the vapours......
Slowly, head still spinning the warlock looks round. He appears to be lying prostrate on grass and not the carpeted floor of the stationery cupboard as he would have expected. "Where am I?", he says to himself. In the distance approaching him he can see four figures. "Strange. They act like they are riding imaginary horses. Wonder what they've been sniffing" pondered Mr. Warlock as the four rode ever nearer.
1st Knight who says Aye up: "Halt!! We are the Knights who say Aye Up. Who might you be?"
2nd Knight who says Aye up: "Aye up"
3rd Knight who says Aye up: "Aye up"
Mr. Warlock: "Hi. I appear to be somewhat lost. Where -"
4th Knight who says Aye up: "Aye up"
Mr. Warlock: "- am I?"
1st Knight who says Aye up : "You're lost"
2nd Knight who says Aye up : "Lost"
3rd Knight who says Aye up: "Lost"
Mr. Warlock: "Yes I know that. Can you - "
4th Knight who says Aye up: "Lost"
Mr. Warlock: " - help me?"
1st Knight who says Aye up: "Sorry you can't join us. You haven't got a suit of armour. Just that suit. It just won't do."
2nd Knight who says Aye up: "Suit"
3rd Knight who says Aye up: "Suit"
Mr. Warlock: Pauses "But I don't want to - "
4th Knight who says Aye up: "Suit"
Mr. Warlock: "- join you. What's up with you? Can't you keep up with the others?"
But the four knights who say Aye up just ride off in to the distance.
Mr. Warlock sniffs the air. "This is strange. I can smell the sea", and decides to head off in the direction of the salty sea fragrance. As the smell increases in its intensity and Mr. Warlock reaches the top of a small ridge, he his greeted with the sight of a deep blue sea with numbers bobbing up and down in it. Further down on the rocky craggy beach are four young ladies, dressed in loose fitting flowing gossamer garments, their long hair blowing gently in the sea breeze. "Oh great" thinks the warlock, "a Timotei advert". Undeterred he makes his way towards them.
Mr. Warlock: "Excuse me Ms. But I'm a little lost. Can you tell me where I am?"
1st Siren: "You are at the account sea. And were are its sirens"
2nd Siren: "It is our purpose to lure small businesses onto the rocks of bankrupt sea further ways
down the coast"
Mr. Warlock: "Sounds like fun. But I have to get back to work. I'm looking for the stationery
cupboard - can you help me find it?"
3rd Siren: "If this cupboard is truly stationary, then how could it have moved? Surly it must be where
you left it"
Mr. Warlock: "Oh hum...this is going to be worse that than the Knights who say Aye up"
4th Siren: "Aye up?"
Mr. Warlock: "Don't you start. I had enough trouble with them"
1st Siren: "There is no cupboard of which you speak here, strange one. Go and seek it elsewhere and leave us to go about our business"
Slightly miffed by his apparent lack of success in returning back to the stationery cupboard, Mr. Warlock decides to head back inland. As he walks further and further inland the grass gets longer and longer. Mr. Warlock becomes aware of rustling behind him. He pauses and watches as the long stemmed grass parts and there before him is a panther.
Mr. Warlock: "Strangely enough, I have a sudden desire to go to the loo"
Sandra the panther: "I'm Sandra. I'm a panther"
Mr. Warlock: "I'm Mr. Warlock. I'm a warlock. Panthers don't eat warlocks you know."
Sandra the panther: "Do you have time to play?"
Mr. Warlock: "I always have time for you. We can play 'Where's the stationery cupboard'"
Sandra the panther: "What's a stationery cupboard?"
Mr. Warlock: "Look, there must be a portal or a doorway somewhere here that leads to a strange world.
That's where I'm from."
Sandra the panther: "My Mistress has mentioned an opening like that you describe."
Mr. Warlock: "Yay!"
Sandra the panther: "But it's further away than I'm allowed to stray."
Mr. Warlock: "Oh hum! Pity that. Still could you point me in the direction and I'll be on my way"
Sandra the panther: jabs a paw in a southerly direction. "It's that away I believe. So you can't
play?"
Mr. Warlock: "No sorry. Tell you what. If I'm ever this way again I'll bring you a ball of string from
the stationery cupboard. How's that sound?"
Sandra the panther: "Well...okay, I'd enjoy that. Don't get lost now"
And with that Sandra slinks off back into the undergrowth leaving Mr. Warlock to continue in the direction that she had indicated. After what appeared to be an endless slog, the now slightly weary comes to a clearing. In the middle of which appears to be a black spiky creature with a tail. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a woman in some sort of bizarre black rubber fetish outfit wielding a whip in one hand. "Oh great" thinks the warlock, "As if women aren't scary enough they have to arm them with whips". Still, undeterred he cautiously approaches.
Mr. Warlock: "Ummm. Hi... I'm looking - "
Vendora the vending machine: "I know what you seek. I know just how you like it. All the extras and
whipped. And I can give it to you hot!"
Mr. Warlock: "Huh? All the what? Listen, I'm sure that underneath that crazy getup and without the
scary whip you're a very nice person...but I just want out"
Vendora the vending machine: "You don't want to sample my delights?" Thrusts chest out to reveal a
panel with numbered buttons upon it. "You want to push my buttons. No?"
Mr. Warlock: "Yes..I mean No..I meant ..what are we talking about? I'm getting lost here and I was
already lost to start with"
Vendora the vending machine: "Coffee of course. Number 32, extra white, extra sugar, extra milk and
whipped. All the extras and whipped. That's what you have. Yes"
Mr. Warlock: "You're a vending machine?"
Vendora the vending machine: "I'm Vendora." Offers the puzzled warlock a plastic cup "Here
sample my delights"
Mr. Warlock: "No thank you Ms., that's vending machine coffee, everyone knows it's poison!"
Vendora the vending machine: "Pah! You don't know what's good for you! You'll not find better than here!!"
More than slightly perturbed by his latest encounter the warlock quickly scurries off in the direction that he was instructed by Sandra. "When or if I ever get out off here that's it. No more Tipex thinner for me" he mutters to himself.
Crossing a deep blue river over which a small wooden bridge spans he finds himself faced with a large teak desk. Behind which is a smartly dressed young lady with long brown hair that shines like silk. She is busy compiling what appears to be some sort of list. Upon her desk is a name plate which reads Ms. Marks. Cultural Attaché.
Mr. Warlock finds that he is more than slightly memorised by this world's latest inhabitant. "Well, maybe this place isn't so bad after all." Suddenly getting back seems less important. He moseys over as moseying seemed the thing to do.
Mr. Warlock: "Erm. Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry to interrupt you, but could you be of assistance to
me?"
Ms. Marks: Stops complying list and puts pen down. Looks up and smiles with a smile that seems to radiate warmth. "Of course, that's what I'm here for, to help. What do you need? Theatre tickets? Book lists? Film guides?"
Mr. Warlock: finds that he is hypnotised by the voice of the cultural attaché. Pulls himself together and reminds self that he is a warlock. "Neither of those. I'm trying to find a portal to another world. I was told that there was one in this general direction"
Ms Marks: "A portal?"
Mr. Warlock: "Yes. You see I'm lost here and I'm trying to get back to my world. Well, the stationery
cupboard bit of it anyway."
Ms. Marks: "Sounds like you need the Lost and Found Bureau to me"
Mr. Warlock: "And that would be where?"
Ms. Marks: "Ahh, now that would be a good question. You see we appear to have misplaced it."
Mr. Warlock: "Misplaced? You mean the Lost and Found Bureau is - "
Ms. Marks: "Lost. Yes that's it. Shame really because it was that last one that we had left."
Mr. Warlock: "Huh? You mean that there have been others?"
Ms. Marks: "Oh my word yes. We honestly don't know what happens to them. We did think about reporting it."
Mr. Warlock: "Reporting it..let me guess, to the Lost and Found Bureau."
Ms. Marks: "Well of course to the Lost and Found Bureau. That is what it is for."
Mr. Warlock: "Oh hum. Look, I don't seem to be getting anywhere other than lost and further lost. Is there anyone or any bureau that can help? Preferably one that isn't lost too."
Ms. Marks: "Let me think now. Well...there is the shrine of Diana. People often visit it when they need help and comfort. She's a great source of inspiration to people. Worth a shot, don't you think? I have a little map in my draw here...there you are. It's clearly marked. See there's where you are and here is where you need to go."
Mr. Warlock: "Thank you. You've been most kind. You wouldn't like to accompany me to ensure that I don't get lost would you?"
Ms. Marks: "I'm sorry. I have my work to be getting on with. But I'm sure that you'll do just fine. Bye!"
With a little sadness he leaves the ever efficient Ms. Marks to carry on her endless tasks. Consulting the little map the warlock heads off towards the shrine of Diana. Surprising even himself he manages to find the shrine without too much difficulty. There is a small inscription at the bottom of the shrine, which the warlock reads to himself.
"Dedicated to Diana. Although she has a difficult and troublesome life herself, she always has time and a kind word for others. A true source of inspiration and wonder to us all"
"Hummm. She sounds like the complete opposite to me. Still, she maybe able to help. What do I have to do? Is there some button that I press to get help?"
Looking round the warlock finds a candle in a plastic wrapping. Written on the wrapping are the words "Extra Flamey". He takes out the candle and places it in the palms of the upturned of hands of the shrine. With no matches or lighter the warlock resorts to the dark arts to ignite the little candle.
"Okay, so what happens now?"
Then suddenly a voice can be heard from the shrine.
Shrine of Diana: "What is it you seek Mr. Warlock?"
Mr. Warlock: "Away out."
Shrine of Diana: "Away out of what though?"
Mr. Warlock: "Cryptic shrines - that's all I need. We'll keep it simple. I want to get back to the stationery cupboard that I was in before I ended up here"
Shrine of Diana: "And who do you want to take you there?"
Mr. Warlock: "Well, someone who knows the way would be useful. Failing that I'll take Ms. Marks. In fact can you make it someone who knows the way AND Ms. Marks?"
Shrine of Diana: "I will send a lost loved one to help a lost soul"
Mr. Warlock: "So, no Ms. Marks then? Oh hum."
Shrine of Diana: "Look behind you. They will take you to where you need to be."
Mr. Warlock: "Thanks. I appreciate that."
Turning round the warlock is face to face with his lost loved one. A giant chinchilla.
Mr. Warlock: "Charlie? Charlie is that you? I've missed you I thought that you had been taken from me"
Charlie the chinchilla: "I was. You brought me back. Your love brought me back. Back to where you are now, in the land of dreams...and Tipex thinner"
The two hug each other for what seems an eternity.
Charlie the chinchilla: "Com'on. I'd better be getting you back. Climb upon my back and I'll carry you, it'll be quicker that way."
Mr. Warlock climbs up on to the back of his beloved chinchilla and holds on to the soft fur.
Charlie the chinchilla: "Hold on tight. We're heading off into the tangled woods."
And with that the chinchilla bounds off into the woods behind the shrine. Through the woods they ride with branches lashing out at them, but the chinchilla keeps up his speed. Moving with incredible agility for one so large as he changes direction to weave a path through the tress. Once clear off the woods Charlie's pace slows a tad as they near a door floating about twelve feet off the ground and seemingly suspended in midair.
Charlie the chinchilla: "Well, here we are safe and sound. And look there's your doorway back to the stationery cupboard"
Mr. Warlock: "But how do I get up there?"
Charlie the chinchilla: "Silly. You stand on my back. Why do you think I'm sooo big?"
Mr. Warlock: "I thought that you'd been stuffing your face since..since you were taken from me"
Charlie the chinchilla: "No, it's so I can aid you get back. So stand on my back a reach up"
Mr. Warlock: "And you? How will you follow?"
Charlie the chinchilla: "Don't worry. I'll be with you....always"
Mr. Warlock jumps off the chinchilla's back and gives him one last big hug. He then climbs back onto his back and standing, slightly wobbly it has to be said, he reaches out and just about manages to turn the handle of the door. He then pushes it open and begins to clamber through. Once in he turns back and waves to the chinchilla below who is now sitting on his haunches cleaning his whiskers.
Pushing the door to, he picks up the items that had been his bogus excuse for the sojourn into the cupboard. He then holds his breath as he opens the door once again. Only this time it reveals the interior of his work place.
"Phew! I was beginning to think that I'd never see my Faith wallpaper again."
Mr. Warlock returns the stationery cupboard key to its keeper.
Keeper of the key: "Boy that was quick...you've only been gone a few minutes. Usually you disappear in there for hours. We used to think that you went in there to skive and sniff the Tipex thinner"
Mr. Warlock: "Sniff Tipex thinner? Who would be stupid enough to do that? I've little enough brain left as it is"
Returning to his desk and idly gazing out of the window Mr. Warlock shoves a hand in his pocket. His fingers touch something that arouses his curiosity. Pulling the item out, he sits and stares at it. For in his hands is a little map.
Fin.
All characters are purely fictitious except for those that aren't.
Post is respectfully dedicated to Ms. Marks - whoever she is.
I just hope that you all made it back safely.
C-YA!!