Part 8: Behind the Scenes and Internet Jesus
@ShipDrew
Oh God. @Warrenellis is visiting the set. oh fuck. :hyperventilates:
@RossHunter01
what @ShipDrew said. oh FUCK, @Warrenellis ...I'm going to pass out.
@AngelHarker
@StreetcarJr You get the paper bag for them to hyperventilate into, I'll get the vodka to knock them out.
@StreetcarJr
@Angelharker i support this idea. Though looking at @RossHunter01, I think we're going to need the tranquilisers too.
@AngelHarker
@StreetcarJr No problem. I have a very convenient mallet.
WarrenEllis.com
Back at the desk.
As some of you annoyances know, The Authority, that mad widescreen vomit comic I did with Bryan Hitch and Laura Depuy that emerged from the dying explosion of Stormwatch at the end of the 20th century is being filmed as a tv series by HBO, mad pioneer weasels of gangsters and corruption of a tv station that it is.
I've been working in the position of an interested consultant on this, the writers occasionally calling me up to scream 'why did you write this? How are we supposed to explian to producers and money men that we need to re-forest Los Angeles? How the fuck do we translate a comic from the printed page to giant wheeling screen images and how the fuck do we get the actors off the ceiling? Angel Harker now has so much nicotine on her fingers she's grown a cigarette as a sixth finger! Isabella is now half robotics, an android the prosthetics people are using as a testing site for their inventions!' They are weak and have not had to work with mad artists who use their blood as ink.
I have heard good things and tales of actors going insane on set, and explosions that re-formed entire dimensions. My children, it seems the plan for domination goes apace.
Today I was invited to Pinewood, that place of madness and ideas being born and drowned in a giant indoor pool that pirate ships sailed on just north of Slough to observe the goings on. Understand that a writer of the original material is generally as useless as a dry jellyfish in a vegetarian restaurant on set, as I knew from my visit to the RED set when that was filming in Toronto, so I planned to stay out of the way and be as unobtrusive as possible. I said planned. Planning is apparently not a thing that happens when your first step past the security is greeted by two well-built actors bowing and holding out a large bottle of expensive single malt and a box of Cuban cigars as a form of tribute to appease the evil spirits.
Yes, readers, Drew Shipley and Ross Hunters are fans of my writings. One of these men has trained himself to the point of physical perfection to be able to beat you to a pulp in mid-air in perfect time to a beat whilst singing a jaunty tune, and can disembowel you with sharp pieces of metal, and the other beat off hosts of others by being more convincingly menacing than all of them as Midnighter. And they were abasing themselves before me with much appreciated tribute. To say it was an odd sensation was an understatement, and it makes you wonder if this is how it feels to be the God-emperor Steven Moffat as he surveys the Doctor Who set in wales and makes all tremble before him.
Angel Harker, longbow fetishist, resplendent in a blonde wig as Jenny Sparks during a break between scenes, explained to me that she blames me entirely for the fact that she understands the meaning of the phrase 'monstering'. I may have created these things in a fit of whisky and late-night demons whispering to me from the nether regions about deadlines, but I don't have to live with the fans day in day out. She shuddered indelicately. "We have twelve mugs in our cupboard. Half of them ask Where's My Fucking Coffee and the others are a selection of picks from the store. This is YOUR FAULT, Sunshine." I feel they chose well in casting. This was borne out as I watched her stride across set, towing Gavin Detori in his Doctor outfit by his ear, barking orders and puffing on a fag as she did so. A glow of pride infused my burnt and blackened heart as I watched someone embody my creation so well through infection of the brain. Trading my soul to Grant Morrison in an eldritch rite of drugs and conspiracy theories clearly brings rewards.
The set's a madhouse of people tearing their hair out and enjoying themselves, existing on a stready diet of tea and jaffa cakes. One very odd moment was watching Drew leaping into the air to do a spinning roundhouse, tucking into a backwards somersault to land steadily. And do it again and again. Without complaint, as directors and cameramen watched dispassionately and asked him to land slightly better. This was part of a fight scene where the enemy would be CGI'd in later, hence the precision required. The fact that a human being can do this outside a comic page is beyond the realm of my body's understanding, since it has problems enough staggering from the writing desk to the coffee pot on its bad days, let alone acheive death-defying feats in mid-air. On completion of the scene, which required several more acrobatic feats of legend, he bounced up and ran over to thank me, red contact lenses gleaming under the lights. "This is so much fun. You have NO IDEA."
Strange sights around the set. Angel and Drew doing a full Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers style tap sequence during their lunch break whilst the runners and cameramen laughed and recorded it. Mei Jones, a tiny welsh girl, who seemed to have spent all day in her wings without any resultant back problems, informed me that this is what happens when you employ musical actors. The crew is regularly serenaded with dance, Andrew Lloyd Webber and filthy cabaret songs. It appears to be a coping mechanism of sorts to stop their hyperactivity ballooning to the point of running amok and killing half of Pinewood. Given that these people are trained in the handling of medieval weapons, it's considered a small price to pay. Angel Harker once brought the longbow on set and set up a range. the producers regarded any runners lost to injury whilst running the gauntlet a valuable learning experience for their future careers in the film and tv industry. Later, Drew could be heard singing that 'They don't make glass slippers' in a mournful, reflective tone. He explained that it was practice for a charity concert, the song being about a gay escort in Soho. On his other side, Angel was cheerily imitating a Disney Princess singing about the annoyances of one night stands for the same concert. I could only be forced to concede that her brain had in fact melted and that all should seek cover.
Theo Walcott, the producer, spent much of his time running around like a blue-arsed fly whipping everyone into shape. I deny that he was menacing anyone with a bullwhip to do so, as there are no photos and directors are always covered in strange marks so it won't hold up in court.
Afterwards, the cast dragged me off to the pub and bought me drinks until I had to be poured onto the train. From this treatment, I must be forced to conclude that the series appears to be in good hands.
I leave you with an image of the new Filthy Assistants. All of them can drink you under the table. One of them has been trained by the Royal Shakespeare company especially with this in mind.
Image: Angel Harker, Mei Jones and Isabella Garcia in full costume, draped over Warren, all grinning hugely and holding up two fingers to the camera.
fuckyeahrossandsimon.tumblr.com
Ross has met Warren Ellis. Ross is a happy, happy happy boy. awwww.
image: Ross in Midnighter gear next to Warren Ellis, grinning his head off.
image: Ross out of Midnighter gear, in the pub, talking animatedly with Warren and Drew.
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jennita said: awwww, seeing him fanboy is so *cute*.
Interviews on set for the dvd and website extras.
"Okay, we're here on the set of HBO's The Authority with Simon Kowalski and Ross Hunter who play Apollo and Midnighter." The interviewer says. "So, guys, can you describe your roles so we can put this up on the website?"
Ross grins. "Superman and Batman if Superman and Batman were Special Forces who'd gone into a top secret government program to get experimented on, and then fell in love with each other after they went on the run from the program when it went tits up. Then they got co-opted into a mad idea by an alcoholic burnout who wanted to get something done and be really effective. With the headquarters on a giant spaceship."
Simon spreads his hands. "It's a love story for the ages. With added hitting people until they don't get up."
"But I get to wear the leather trenchcoat." Ross holds up his fingers. "He was this close to getting forced into lycra."
"You're the one bitching about sweating like a pig in that gear." Simon shrugs.
"But I look cool, that's the important thing." Ross says smugly.
The interviewer grins slightly. "How's it been playing a couple?"
Simon rubs his ear. "Wel, they're completely old married couple by the time we meet them in The Authority, so it's done mostly in little looks and touches and Midnighter bitching at Apollo - which Ross does scarily well - and Apollo ignoring him when he does it and apologising for his behaviour to other people."
"There's this scene where we walk into a briefing and Midnighter's in the middle of bitching about Apollo leaving his laundry on the floor." Ross says. "If you've ever had to share a room with this guy? No acting needed."
Simon punches him in the shoulder. "He's lying,"
Ross grimaces and rubs his shoulder. Simon is not a small man. "Am not, you can be a complete pig."
"Unlike mister 'fuck off where's my coffee' in the morning." Simon says.
"You're thinking of Angel for that one." Ross points out.
"Nearly as bad." Simon replies. "But yeah, it's been fun." He pauses. "Aside from that time you ate sardines before kissing, you bastard."
Ross attempts an innocent look. "But baby, I've seen you eat them happily at lunch, I thought you'd like the kiss tasting of them."
Simon narrows his eyes. "There was a reason I held you down and made you gargle mouthwash before the next take. No jury would convict."
the interviewer bites his lip. "Filming in general?"
"Kicking ass, taking names and tormenting Angel. What's not to like?" Ross asks.
"There's rumours she's going to be in the next Bond film." Simon says. "I'm trying to get a meeting with the producers to get a part. I would totally rock the part of henchman number three who gets gunned down in the first scene."
"Oh, and further reasons to watch: Apollo's shirts are constantly getting torn." Ross volunteers. "It's a miracle if he gets through an episode without at least one shirtless scene."
Simon nods. "It's kind of a running joke. And there's the origin ep where we're both naked for quite a bit, too. He's just jealous because he's stuck in the leather all day."
"I suffer for my art and looking cool, i told you." Ross repeats.
A figure in white saunters past, then stops and plops herself down next to them. "Whatever they're telling you, it's lies. They spend most of their time on set causing trouble."
"We're saints. she lies." Ross says. "She's the one who spends half her time doing dance routines."
"That's entertaining the masses for fun and profit." Angel replies smoothly. "And did they tell you they're constantly trying to get couples' discount on everything?"
Simon smirks. "We succeeded in that hotel. Only downside to sharing a bed with him is that Ross snores."
Ross shoves him. "Do not."
Simon gives him a pitying look. "Do so."
"Do not." Ross says, getting him into a headlock.
Angel facepalms. "See what I have to deal with?" She whaps Ross on the back of the head. "Quit it and play nice for the interviewer before I have to kick your arses."
"Just try it." Ross pouts, letting go of Simon to rub the back of his head.
"Fine, I'll get Drew to kick your arses, then I'll pin you to a tree, bring out the bow and play pincushion on you." she gets up, flicking them both in the head as she goes.
Simon scowls, rubbing the side of his head where Angel flicked it. "See? Tormenting her is completely justified."
"Is she, uh, serious about the target practice?" The interviewer asks hesitantly.
"She's brought it to set, set up the target and the producers threatened to make anyone who pissed them off run the gauntlet." Ross says. "do not ever touch the bow, ever. It's a basic survival rule you learn early on this set."
@BellaGarcia
Today, we have video cameras interviewing us for the website bits. Again. As usual, @zoommei has been told to stop being so welsh.
@Zoommei
@bellagarcia Have. Not.
@BellaGarcia
She starts talking about the pot noodle mines. And the fact that Brains is drinkable once you've had enough tequila. Only in Cardiff...
Isabella gestures around the Carrier's monitoring room. "Welcoem to my domain. Well, I say mine, Some of the others get to be in here, but it's mostly mine and I know how everything works. For instance:" She leans over to the keyboard and presses a couple of buttons. The screens light up, and start cycling through. "The tech crew made sure that these are all operational. Some of them are only cued in to the fake news bulletins they've filmed, but several are real recordings and some are even live, because it's a lot easier. I do kind of wish we could do what Dr Who does, which is produce real BBC news reports and fake One Show snippets because it's the BBC and they're their own programs, but it's pretty awesome. And they asked permission from several of the web channels if they could show some of their talking heads interviews." She pauses again, pressing a couple of buttons and some of the screens light up with web pages. "That's NASA, and though they don't really use this one on the show in focus, it cycles through the latest news portals on the web. And when I'm bored and they want me in the background looking like I'm doing something..." Isabella grins, tapping some buttons and swiping her hands across a touchpad. "Screen five along." They focus in on it. "Yes, that is Angry Birds. I'm petitioning for a PS3, but the producers say they'd never get the costume and prosthetics crew out of here and they'd never do any work."
The cameras follow Isabella down a corridor to another room. She gestures as they walk. "Okay, this looks like a fairly standard corridor, right? Nice couple of designs, mostly metallic, but it's still a corridor. About as exciting as being stuck at the bus station. What you don't get is that this gets a load of graphics along the walls - the Carrier surfs along the edges of the universe through different dimensions, so it's not ever seen by the normal world - we're not orbiting in a satellite or anything, and the only way you can get here is by teleport dimensional portal. Or as we put it, yell 'Door' when we want to leave any scene set outside. it's not even like the fireplaces in Harry potter, or 'beam me up Scotty', where you've got to have some kind of artifact or someone on the other end operating a load of switches. It's just a matter of going 'Door' and you walk straight back into here. Can you imagine the tube fare you'd save?" She touches one of the walls. "Essentially these are all giant green screens, and the CGI team get to think up whatever they like each episode, since it's a different dimension each time. We're voting for Care Bears at least once. they keep threatening to do 'It's a Small World', but the producers shoot that down as this isn't supposed to be a horror show. Fantasy, sci-fi, action, some horror elements, yes, but not out and out giving people nightmares. I think they just don't want to be sued for the therapy bills."
"What I do. Um." Isabella says, scratching her head. "Okay, understand that in the UK, you don't get that much in the way of comics. Okay, we've got comic shops, but most people only know the American stuff like Superman and the X-men through cartoons and films. Our big fantasy thing is Doctor Who, it's not about people in colourful costumes hitting others. Even the comics that are home grown, like Judge Dredd - they're strange and political and there's a big dose of weird. You may have good and bad, but it's always a bit wrong. Lots of grey. Feet of clay every time. Even in our reality shows like X-Factor and I'm a Celebrity, we want a decent villain. Interesting characters. It's not enough for people to be good, they've got to have this edge of selfishness or obliviousness - humanity, really. Our national hero figures are about a thief stroke resistance fighter who pins his hopes at first on a king who bled the country dry for glory who would've sold it out like that and a king who's glorious for a bit but dies and loses his personal life because people leave or betray him. this stuff is really, really, well, weird for me."
"But anyway. How to describe Angie... she's a scientist who'd been working on human and robotic merging stuff, with a lot of research into nanobots. And then in a moment of complete and utter madness, she got hold of some research that made her theories and research come alive in a way she never imagined, so in the grand tradition of all mad scientists, she decided to test it on herself and replace her blood with nanobots. Little machines, molecule size, smaller than the eye can see, that can build anything. Anything she can imagine. Most of the time when she's on the carrier she's covered in a thin skin of them, which includes that headdress - it's the closest anyone wears to a superhero outfit. I find myself flicking my hand and being told Angie's made a little sculpture in thin air because she can. because she's got the nanobots at her beck and call, she can invade machines with them, turn them into poison gas filters so they wipe it up and turn it back into clean air, or remake her lungs so they can breathe underwater. Or make giant guns, I'm normally wearing big prosthetics on my hands for that, which they then mess around in post production to make cooler." Isabella's face splits with the size of the grin. "One thing you have to remember is that Angie is having the time of her life. Jenny tracked her down when she was putting together the team she'd dreamed up to try and fight and prevent the really world spanning threat that no-one else could and essentially dared her. And instead of dealing with rubbish, or bills, or going down tesco 24 when she ran out of milk, she saves the world and figures out how to do it all over again."
The-Carrier.net
A Note From the Series Creators.
For the launch of The Making Of The Authority, (it's capitalised. Just go with us), series creators Rabia Dukakis, Mark thewlis and Greg Bhogal got asked to explain themselves and what the hell they were thinking when they pitched a superhero-based series.
we all read comics. Rabia and mark had been reading them since they were teenagers, and Greg had Sandman dumped forcibly on his head at college. People in spandex beating other people up for great justice for the most part, with all these strange side bits that explore noir films, gangsters, vampires, people's ordinary lives... but mostly Rabia couldn't be torn away from Batman. Mark's all about the X-Men. The thing was, we'd all known that if you did it right, comics on screen could be amazing, but they were normally films, who'd had to distill it down to the origin story and two hours. The problem with comics is that they're a serialised form. A really, really, really long serialised form. Lots of characters, lots of villains, lots of ups and downs, life changes, and so on. They're not just a two-hour snapshot. And one day, Mark, who'd long been a Warren Ellis fan, thought 'why the hell not do a tv series?'. Only not a soap like Lois and Clark back in the nineties, but something that was full-on action and thrills, real world changing stuff, not like 'Superman stops robbers'. People whose main job is being a superhero, not doing it on the side. And the thing was, Warren had, back in the nineties at the very turn of the century, created an utterly mad comic about a bunch of superheroes who'd got together to battle precisely that. All the stuff the regular ones couldn't do. They weren't going to try to fight that mugger on the street corner, they were there to fight the giant invading force from the dimension next door searching for new worlds to colonise. And they couldn't have this one. Though if a mugger was stupid enough to go after them, they'd end up a smear on the pavement. And then he decided that the look and feel should be a widescreen experience and pulled in Bryan Hitch to realise his mad vision.
So essentially Mark made enquiries to Warren's agent and the people at DC who own Wildstorm, and then one night, fully caffeinated up to the hilt, he dumped The Authority and Stormwatch graphic novels that Warren's work had been collected into (Stormwatch being the comic that The Authority was born out of the ashes of) on Rabia and Greg, and they couldn't stop boggling. And called him utterly insane. An alcoholic burnout the same age as the century who'd been fighting for a better world all her life who'd pulled together a team consisting of ex-Black Ops superpowered beings, ex government experiments soldiers who'd gone on the run, and a shaman and mad scientist who'd turned herself into her own project. And hit the ground running. It had enough backstory in there to really flesh it out, and the characters were mad enough and the stories jam-packed enough for mark to sucker Rabia and Greg into his cause.
And because we are certifiably mad and dribbling, we pitched to HBO. And they agreed that they'd like to give it a shot, because there weren't enough explosions in their lives. (Rabia is personally of the opinion that they just want to see LA devastated)
So, after all the meetings and wrangles and script re-writing, we're in the distinctly strange place of watching our vision unfold in the legendary film-making place that is Pinewood Studios. Though we mostly spend it in odd pubs in London arguing about script tweaks. Yesterday we watched Swift fall twenty feet and eviscerate people with her claws. three days ago we saw The Engineer call up information from a bank of screens. Today we're watching Jack Hawksmoor leap over people's heads to beat them up, and he's taking us for dinner afterwards.
Ages to go yet, but watching this kind of thing realised, even with the knowledge that we've got half a tonne of CGI and post-production to be piled on top (no matter how much Mei Jones bullies them, prosthetics and tech have yet to make a pair of wings that will enable Swift to *actually* fly) is stunning, and we just want to say a big thank you to everyone involved. Except Warren Ellis. We're going to murder him in his sleep for making us try to work out precisely how we could get some of those images and concepts work on screen instead of the page.
- Rabia Dukakis, Mark thewlis and Greg Bhogal.