(no subject)
Someone forgot to take her medicine tonight. (Behind the cut: evidence of my paralyzing O.C.D....until I took a sleeping pill to calm myself I couldn't even stop typing in this)
I think this sensation is a part of me. This feeling like I can barely sit still, so unsettled, so anxious, so everysinglehumanemotion racing frantically through me. I am doing that thing that I should not do where I do not go to the drug store and pick up my medicine and so I am out and so I am sitting in bed unable to sleep my neurotransmitters really misfiring and I'm hating this and wanting it to end and feeling more like myself then ever and I am typing at five hundred thirty two thousand words per minute and I wish that was true because if it was true entire novels and worlds would come out of me in minutes and it would be beautiful and wonderful. My hair is tightly pulled back from my face, of course, I'm biting the insides of my lips, I am full of weird contradictory urges, I am a mess of a girl who has severe obsessive-compulsive disorder like the kind that Orson Scott Mormon Card wrote about in his book about the aliens and the soul and the spirit and I've always wondered when I would be on my knees tracing woodgrains, but it just didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't seem right and cleansing and perfect for me, and I think I worried Davy because because because I told him my body was going through entropy and I did not think that was okay so I was going to stop it. But I don't think that's possible, unless I live in thermal equilibrium, in which it would be possible because because because because because my foot is jerking at ten thousand times per minute and I am sitting here in my natural state and I think I have convinced Davy why some people do need medicine because I can barely get through the night like this, and I think I decided that if I die I want to be electrocuted because it seems like a clean way to die, not after I mean but before it'd be clean it'd be nice it'd be so refreshing and I'm looking at the scars on my hands from when I poured boiling water on them and trying to shake myself out of this but it's oh so hard and it's oh so tempting and I need to write and do something incoherent that's okay because if I try to write in my paper journal I couldn't my hands are shaking just too badly maybe I should break my no-pills-but-prescription rule and take a Sominex because it'd probably calm me down a little...but maybe I'd never wake up but I just want to stop moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving and I just broke myself out compulsorily writing that word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and STOP IT JESSICA MARIA! Deep breaths, now, my heart is pounding, why did I do this, why do I do this, why do I hate myself so much that I do this, fuck it I am going to take a Sominex it's two a.m. I've been this way for hours and I'm going to hurt myself if I don't maybe I have Tourette's I feel like I can't stop writing in this I just want to stop but I have to keep typing because the typing is making my hands hurt which is good because they are shaking and they're not supposed to shake and when they shake I have to punish them. Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish OKAY I TOOK THE PILL IM DONE IM DONE I AM GOING TO STOP THIS.
Yeah...weird.
I think this sensation is a part of me. This feeling like I can barely sit still, so unsettled, so anxious, so everysinglehumanemotion racing frantically through me. I am doing that thing that I should not do where I do not go to the drug store and pick up my medicine and so I am out and so I am sitting in bed unable to sleep my neurotransmitters really misfiring and I'm hating this and wanting it to end and feeling more like myself then ever and I am typing at five hundred thirty two thousand words per minute and I wish that was true because if it was true entire novels and worlds would come out of me in minutes and it would be beautiful and wonderful. My hair is tightly pulled back from my face, of course, I'm biting the insides of my lips, I am full of weird contradictory urges, I am a mess of a girl who has severe obsessive-compulsive disorder like the kind that Orson Scott Mormon Card wrote about in his book about the aliens and the soul and the spirit and I've always wondered when I would be on my knees tracing woodgrains, but it just didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't seem right and cleansing and perfect for me, and I think I worried Davy because because because I told him my body was going through entropy and I did not think that was okay so I was going to stop it. But I don't think that's possible, unless I live in thermal equilibrium, in which it would be possible because because because because because my foot is jerking at ten thousand times per minute and I am sitting here in my natural state and I think I have convinced Davy why some people do need medicine because I can barely get through the night like this, and I think I decided that if I die I want to be electrocuted because it seems like a clean way to die, not after I mean but before it'd be clean it'd be nice it'd be so refreshing and I'm looking at the scars on my hands from when I poured boiling water on them and trying to shake myself out of this but it's oh so hard and it's oh so tempting and I need to write and do something incoherent that's okay because if I try to write in my paper journal I couldn't my hands are shaking just too badly maybe I should break my no-pills-but-prescription rule and take a Sominex because it'd probably calm me down a little...but maybe I'd never wake up but I just want to stop moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving and I just broke myself out compulsorily writing that word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and STOP IT JESSICA MARIA! Deep breaths, now, my heart is pounding, why did I do this, why do I do this, why do I hate myself so much that I do this, fuck it I am going to take a Sominex it's two a.m. I've been this way for hours and I'm going to hurt myself if I don't maybe I have Tourette's I feel like I can't stop writing in this I just want to stop but I have to keep typing because the typing is making my hands hurt which is good because they are shaking and they're not supposed to shake and when they shake I have to punish them. Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish Punish OKAY I TOOK THE PILL IM DONE IM DONE I AM GOING TO STOP THIS.
Yeah...weird.