Clash of the Titans
Hey, Ray Harryhousen's film was kinda fun in a cheesy way and I do love fantasy/action movies and there's the whole love-story I have going with Greek Mythology and the previews looked okay and there was nothing else playing...
BEWARE THE SPOILERS!
First, the good things:
1. The cinematography is beautiful and the scenery is really stunning.
2.The CGI is mostly good. The city of Argos was gorgeous and the titanic statue of Zeus made me gasp in awe. Pegasus was elegant and the Kraken was relatively impressive. Hades' volcano cloud act was interesting and the Olympians bestriding Hellas on Olympus was simply beautiful.
3. Perseus' companions, specifically Mads Mikkelsen's Draco and the rest of the mostly unnamed team were several levels of awesome. Their roles should've been much more expanded. I was amused to recognise Nicholas Hoult (About a Boy) as Eusebios and Hans Matheson (Sherlock Holmes) as Ixas - the resident pretty boys and I would've loved to learn more about Ozal (Ashraf Barhom), Kucuk (Mouloud Achour) and Solon (Liam Cunningham). These people got unfortunately very little to do except kick some ass and die pointlessly and they still managed to imbue their roles with a lot of potential which I hope will be brought by the fanficcers.
4. Alexa Davalos' Andromeda was nicely understated and she did her best with the mediocrity handed to her.
5. Atia of the Julii!!!(Polly Walker)
What I really didn't like by reverse order of hate.
6. Medusa was meh, the giant scorpions were ridiculous and what the hell was the deal with the Djinn. Pass.
5. The Gods. Uninteresting, ungodlike (well, except maybe Alexander Siddig's two seconds of screentime) and meh. Why show us all of the Olympians if you're not even gonna use them?!
4. I have no idea what Liam Neeson (Zeus) and Ralph Fiennes (Hades) were attempting but they failed miserably. Neeson phoned it in and Fiennes chewed the scenery while having a two-hour long asthma attack and a severe lumbago. For actors of their caliber, this was awful.
3. The story/script/movie objectively...Boredom. It was too long (seemed longer than 106 minutes), too predictable and too damn tedious for a movie like that.
2. Perseus. I don't know Sam Worthington but as a first introduction to him this was a total fail. He was unconvincing and bland.
1. The Mythology. I once called Troy the worst movie I had ever seen because of the total assrape of the Iliad. I literally spent the entire movie angrily muttering. Congratulations Troy, you have now been dethroned. Oh, I know, it's only 'loosely based' on the Perseus myth and I shouldn't get my intellectual panties in a bunch, but you know what...fuck it, Hollywood, some of us love this mythology and it's damn well interesting enough to be adhered to! You're all fucktards and I hate you! Your disdain for your sources caused me physical pain, near tears of rage and disbelieving hysterical laughter - and I was not alone.
Wikipedia will detail the exact differences between the actual mythology and this flick. I just want to make the follwing remarks:
a. 'The Gods need our prayers and adoration/fear'. No, they do not. This is not Discworld where small Gods grow strong by worship, these are the Olympians. They are. They demand worship because they are Gods and deserve it, not because they need it.
b. What in Tartarus' name are the humans thinking?! They deny and insult the Gods while living in a world where the Gods actively, visibly and rapidly intervene and then they're suprised and angry when the Gods are ehm...not pleased by their hubris. Well, what did you expect?
Again I'm reminded of PTerry. ""Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards."
"It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the Disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows."
"We get that in here some nights, when someone's had a few. Cosmic speculation about whether gods really exist. Next thing, there's a bolt of lightning through the roof with a note wrapped round it saying `Yes, we do' and a pair of sandals with smoke coming out. That sort of thing, it takes all the interest out of metaphysical speculation."
And unless you're a ceramic, fireproof Golem blaspheming is a Very Bad idea. Okay? If you're that fucking stupid, you deserve everything you get.
c. Hades. A word Hollywood...Ahem...HADES IS NOT SATAN! He rules the Underworld, okay yes this includes Tartarus which is indeed the closest thing to Hell, but it also includes the Elysian Fields (HEAVEN!). He rules the dead, all of them and he's a just ruler. A bit dour perhaps, but of all the Greek Gods probably the least bastardy. He's also happily married and generally doesn't care much about Olympus.
So, you know. STOP MAKING HIM THE GODDAMN BAD GUY! Stop it! I mean it! Stop christianising the Olympians, Zeus is not the Hebrew God and Hades is not Satan. Knock it the fuck off.
d. Io. What. The. Fuck? No, seriously, WTFIDEK?! Why? The hurting in my brains, make it stop!
*stomps off raging and tearing at hair*
BEWARE THE SPOILERS!
First, the good things:
1. The cinematography is beautiful and the scenery is really stunning.
2.The CGI is mostly good. The city of Argos was gorgeous and the titanic statue of Zeus made me gasp in awe. Pegasus was elegant and the Kraken was relatively impressive. Hades' volcano cloud act was interesting and the Olympians bestriding Hellas on Olympus was simply beautiful.
3. Perseus' companions, specifically Mads Mikkelsen's Draco and the rest of the mostly unnamed team were several levels of awesome. Their roles should've been much more expanded. I was amused to recognise Nicholas Hoult (About a Boy) as Eusebios and Hans Matheson (Sherlock Holmes) as Ixas - the resident pretty boys and I would've loved to learn more about Ozal (Ashraf Barhom), Kucuk (Mouloud Achour) and Solon (Liam Cunningham). These people got unfortunately very little to do except kick some ass and die pointlessly and they still managed to imbue their roles with a lot of potential which I hope will be brought by the fanficcers.
4. Alexa Davalos' Andromeda was nicely understated and she did her best with the mediocrity handed to her.
5. Atia of the Julii!!!(Polly Walker)
What I really didn't like by reverse order of hate.
6. Medusa was meh, the giant scorpions were ridiculous and what the hell was the deal with the Djinn. Pass.
5. The Gods. Uninteresting, ungodlike (well, except maybe Alexander Siddig's two seconds of screentime) and meh. Why show us all of the Olympians if you're not even gonna use them?!
4. I have no idea what Liam Neeson (Zeus) and Ralph Fiennes (Hades) were attempting but they failed miserably. Neeson phoned it in and Fiennes chewed the scenery while having a two-hour long asthma attack and a severe lumbago. For actors of their caliber, this was awful.
3. The story/script/movie objectively...Boredom. It was too long (seemed longer than 106 minutes), too predictable and too damn tedious for a movie like that.
2. Perseus. I don't know Sam Worthington but as a first introduction to him this was a total fail. He was unconvincing and bland.
1. The Mythology. I once called Troy the worst movie I had ever seen because of the total assrape of the Iliad. I literally spent the entire movie angrily muttering. Congratulations Troy, you have now been dethroned. Oh, I know, it's only 'loosely based' on the Perseus myth and I shouldn't get my intellectual panties in a bunch, but you know what...fuck it, Hollywood, some of us love this mythology and it's damn well interesting enough to be adhered to! You're all fucktards and I hate you! Your disdain for your sources caused me physical pain, near tears of rage and disbelieving hysterical laughter - and I was not alone.
Wikipedia will detail the exact differences between the actual mythology and this flick. I just want to make the follwing remarks:
a. 'The Gods need our prayers and adoration/fear'. No, they do not. This is not Discworld where small Gods grow strong by worship, these are the Olympians. They are. They demand worship because they are Gods and deserve it, not because they need it.
b. What in Tartarus' name are the humans thinking?! They deny and insult the Gods while living in a world where the Gods actively, visibly and rapidly intervene and then they're suprised and angry when the Gods are ehm...not pleased by their hubris. Well, what did you expect?
Again I'm reminded of PTerry. ""Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards."
"It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the Disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows."
"We get that in here some nights, when someone's had a few. Cosmic speculation about whether gods really exist. Next thing, there's a bolt of lightning through the roof with a note wrapped round it saying `Yes, we do' and a pair of sandals with smoke coming out. That sort of thing, it takes all the interest out of metaphysical speculation."
And unless you're a ceramic, fireproof Golem blaspheming is a Very Bad idea. Okay? If you're that fucking stupid, you deserve everything you get.
c. Hades. A word Hollywood...Ahem...HADES IS NOT SATAN! He rules the Underworld, okay yes this includes Tartarus which is indeed the closest thing to Hell, but it also includes the Elysian Fields (HEAVEN!). He rules the dead, all of them and he's a just ruler. A bit dour perhaps, but of all the Greek Gods probably the least bastardy. He's also happily married and generally doesn't care much about Olympus.
So, you know. STOP MAKING HIM THE GODDAMN BAD GUY! Stop it! I mean it! Stop christianising the Olympians, Zeus is not the Hebrew God and Hades is not Satan. Knock it the fuck off.
d. Io. What. The. Fuck? No, seriously, WTFIDEK?! Why? The hurting in my brains, make it stop!
*stomps off raging and tearing at hair*