double ugh
Been a while since I updated.
Got quite a bit going on actually, but only one thing I feel I need to write out. Sara finally pointed out that I have mood swings similar to Maniac Depression. So I did some research and well... goddamnit. I used to be a freaking poster child for Type II. Now I'm in the least severe bracket... if a professional actually diagnosed me. lol. Damned if I'll ever go to a professional though. I've been doing alot of research and I'm of the opinion that I can at least get control over it by finding my triggers and really focusing on my diet/nutrition, exercise and somehow manage to strictly enforce a certain amount of sleep a night/day.
So far, I've found that my sleep pattern is heavily coincidal with which end of the spectrum I find myself during the day. If I sleep less than 7 hours, I'm maniac. If I sleep more than 8, I'm depressed. Interestingly, I found out this morning that if I force myself back to sleep, I'll go straight from Maniac to Depressed in a matter of hours. Not. Fun.
I'm also having a really hard time accepting that I don't have control over this. I lost control today and I keep catching myself beating myself up over it. I mean, it was rediculous. I couldn't stop myself from spending money on a craft idea. But I can't escape the fact that I honestly tried to stop. It was a freaking CRAFT IDEA THOUGH WTF. Freaking $21 and .... just... omg wtf. I even hid it from Sara. This is something so goddamn small. I SHOULD have control over something so rediculous.
and really, I've got to completely accept the fact that, at the moment, I really don't have control over myself. That thought is so freaking horrifying though. It doesn't help that I look back and realize just how bad I was. All the time thinking I was in control. Adamant, in fact.
I have given my access to money to Sara again. She will have control over finances again in case I really lose control.
From my research, I'm hoping that what's going on biologically is my body is rapidly burning my energy stores in a manner that is uncontrolled and exessive. Then it crashes and recovers until another mania is triggered. Rinse, repeat. I've already managed to tone it down, so to speak. Or I should say, Sara has. Basically, the periods of major depression and stress in my youth has destabilized my body's ability to manage mood and energy. to be honest, I still don't have much of a grasp of the mood part, other than understanding how my ability to stabilized has been severely undermined.
Sooooooo... The current plan is this: I'll be taking a few herbs in the hopes of stabilizing myself long enough to establish a healthy, structured regimine of specific diet/nutrition, exercise, and sleep. I rather figure that at some point I will crash hard. Expect the worst, hope for the best, and all. If that happens, well I should be working by then. It'll make for a simply miserable day, but the structure of a job has always helped, and it will keep me from wallowing.
The herbs might be a long shot, but if they work, I will never doubt them again. As long as there's double-blind, placebo controlled studies backing them anyway.
Edit: In case anyone is interested: Rhodiola for continuous energy and mood support. St. John's Wort for it's mental/emotional stabilizing properties. Valerian to help enforce solid sleep cycles. Need to do a bit more research on them though. Already started Rhodiola. (should take a week for the effects to fully take effect) Need to see how I react to it. Have to purchase St. John's Wort and trial-run it too.
Got quite a bit going on actually, but only one thing I feel I need to write out. Sara finally pointed out that I have mood swings similar to Maniac Depression. So I did some research and well... goddamnit. I used to be a freaking poster child for Type II. Now I'm in the least severe bracket... if a professional actually diagnosed me. lol. Damned if I'll ever go to a professional though. I've been doing alot of research and I'm of the opinion that I can at least get control over it by finding my triggers and really focusing on my diet/nutrition, exercise and somehow manage to strictly enforce a certain amount of sleep a night/day.
So far, I've found that my sleep pattern is heavily coincidal with which end of the spectrum I find myself during the day. If I sleep less than 7 hours, I'm maniac. If I sleep more than 8, I'm depressed. Interestingly, I found out this morning that if I force myself back to sleep, I'll go straight from Maniac to Depressed in a matter of hours. Not. Fun.
I'm also having a really hard time accepting that I don't have control over this. I lost control today and I keep catching myself beating myself up over it. I mean, it was rediculous. I couldn't stop myself from spending money on a craft idea. But I can't escape the fact that I honestly tried to stop. It was a freaking CRAFT IDEA THOUGH WTF. Freaking $21 and .... just... omg wtf. I even hid it from Sara. This is something so goddamn small. I SHOULD have control over something so rediculous.
and really, I've got to completely accept the fact that, at the moment, I really don't have control over myself. That thought is so freaking horrifying though. It doesn't help that I look back and realize just how bad I was. All the time thinking I was in control. Adamant, in fact.
I have given my access to money to Sara again. She will have control over finances again in case I really lose control.
From my research, I'm hoping that what's going on biologically is my body is rapidly burning my energy stores in a manner that is uncontrolled and exessive. Then it crashes and recovers until another mania is triggered. Rinse, repeat. I've already managed to tone it down, so to speak. Or I should say, Sara has. Basically, the periods of major depression and stress in my youth has destabilized my body's ability to manage mood and energy. to be honest, I still don't have much of a grasp of the mood part, other than understanding how my ability to stabilized has been severely undermined.
Sooooooo... The current plan is this: I'll be taking a few herbs in the hopes of stabilizing myself long enough to establish a healthy, structured regimine of specific diet/nutrition, exercise, and sleep. I rather figure that at some point I will crash hard. Expect the worst, hope for the best, and all. If that happens, well I should be working by then. It'll make for a simply miserable day, but the structure of a job has always helped, and it will keep me from wallowing.
The herbs might be a long shot, but if they work, I will never doubt them again. As long as there's double-blind, placebo controlled studies backing them anyway.
Edit: In case anyone is interested: Rhodiola for continuous energy and mood support. St. John's Wort for it's mental/emotional stabilizing properties. Valerian to help enforce solid sleep cycles. Need to do a bit more research on them though. Already started Rhodiola. (should take a week for the effects to fully take effect) Need to see how I react to it. Have to purchase St. John's Wort and trial-run it too.