Caught in a loop
I'm having the dream again. The one where Ryn leads me through the forest. I learned to lucid dream a long time ago, but I stopped the practice immediately once it proved to make my nightmares worse. Now the best I hope for is not to remember them at all. Most of the time, I don't remember. But I always remember this one when I have it. This one and the other recurring dream have some special hold on my mind.
A few other dreams slip through now and then, but as anyone can tell from the sparseness of this journal, it doesn't happen a great deal.
So, to my dream from last night...
This time I stop him just before we enter the wood, surprising myself, and I refuse to go in. I tell him I've been through this at least a dozen times and I know what awaits me in the forest, and I know I'll never make it out alive.
When I do this, I'm not really fully aware that I'm dreaming. I have this nagging feeling that something is wrong, and that I can change things if I want to, but I don't know that I'm dreaming. All I know is that this has happened before.
Ryn shakes his head at me, obviously frustrated, and says, "And you will go through it a thousand more times until you finally get it."
He tries to yank me forward, but I simply drop to the muddy ground, where fear has driven me to my knees. I can't let him take me in there. The terror I feel now is so great that I understand how people can die of fright.
"Staying here won't make you any safer!" he yells at me. He's angry. Angrier than I've ever seen him. But I realize something vital: He's trying to help me.
"I'll die if I go in there," I whisper. I had meant to say it forcefully, but it comes out only as the barest of sounds.
"If they get here before we get in the forest, you will die."
That cold, paralyzing terror again. "I'll die in the forest."
He shakes his head. "The forest is lenient. They are not."
He yanks at my arm again, this time pulling me to my feet, and though I have no sense of moving my own body, somehow I'm being drawn into the forest.
Darkness closes in around me, and I begin to shake. I beg him not to leave me as I know he will, as he always does. He gives me a pitying look and leads me deeper into the forest.
There's a flash of light, something I've dismissed as lightning in other versions of this dream, and then he's gone. I'm alone in the forest, and I can feel the things wriggling and scuttling in the darkness press closer. I hear the squealching of mud as things rise from it and make their way toward me.
No matter how hard I try, I can't stay on the path. Four times Ryn disappears and I wander into the muck where the dark things try to take me, and four times he reappears to lead me back to the path.
I'm never that far from the path, but I can never find it on my own.
And then I see something I've never seen before: a clearing ahead. There is light. Through the slanting rain, I can see a beautiful and otherworldy building that is something between a mansion and a palace (I have no other name for it).
Another flash of light crosses my vision. As quickly as the vision appears, it is gone. I'm swallowed by darkness again. Ryn is gone as well.
I try to push forward to the place where I saw the clearing, but it does not reappear. Somehow I've gotten turned around. Lost. Horrible leathery hands rise from the mud around me and begin to pull me down, down, and I know this time Ryn will not reappear.
I'm too terrified to fight or even scream. I'm completely immobilized by my terror as the things pull me down into the thick mud. I can taste the foulness of it as it fills my mouth. I gag and choke on it, and I feel tears burn my eyes the moment before the mud swallows me completely and I'm jettisoned from the dream.
A few other dreams slip through now and then, but as anyone can tell from the sparseness of this journal, it doesn't happen a great deal.
So, to my dream from last night...
This time I stop him just before we enter the wood, surprising myself, and I refuse to go in. I tell him I've been through this at least a dozen times and I know what awaits me in the forest, and I know I'll never make it out alive.
When I do this, I'm not really fully aware that I'm dreaming. I have this nagging feeling that something is wrong, and that I can change things if I want to, but I don't know that I'm dreaming. All I know is that this has happened before.
Ryn shakes his head at me, obviously frustrated, and says, "And you will go through it a thousand more times until you finally get it."
He tries to yank me forward, but I simply drop to the muddy ground, where fear has driven me to my knees. I can't let him take me in there. The terror I feel now is so great that I understand how people can die of fright.
"Staying here won't make you any safer!" he yells at me. He's angry. Angrier than I've ever seen him. But I realize something vital: He's trying to help me.
"I'll die if I go in there," I whisper. I had meant to say it forcefully, but it comes out only as the barest of sounds.
"If they get here before we get in the forest, you will die."
That cold, paralyzing terror again. "I'll die in the forest."
He shakes his head. "The forest is lenient. They are not."
He yanks at my arm again, this time pulling me to my feet, and though I have no sense of moving my own body, somehow I'm being drawn into the forest.
Darkness closes in around me, and I begin to shake. I beg him not to leave me as I know he will, as he always does. He gives me a pitying look and leads me deeper into the forest.
There's a flash of light, something I've dismissed as lightning in other versions of this dream, and then he's gone. I'm alone in the forest, and I can feel the things wriggling and scuttling in the darkness press closer. I hear the squealching of mud as things rise from it and make their way toward me.
No matter how hard I try, I can't stay on the path. Four times Ryn disappears and I wander into the muck where the dark things try to take me, and four times he reappears to lead me back to the path.
I'm never that far from the path, but I can never find it on my own.
And then I see something I've never seen before: a clearing ahead. There is light. Through the slanting rain, I can see a beautiful and otherworldy building that is something between a mansion and a palace (I have no other name for it).
Another flash of light crosses my vision. As quickly as the vision appears, it is gone. I'm swallowed by darkness again. Ryn is gone as well.
I try to push forward to the place where I saw the clearing, but it does not reappear. Somehow I've gotten turned around. Lost. Horrible leathery hands rise from the mud around me and begin to pull me down, down, and I know this time Ryn will not reappear.
I'm too terrified to fight or even scream. I'm completely immobilized by my terror as the things pull me down into the thick mud. I can taste the foulness of it as it fills my mouth. I gag and choke on it, and I feel tears burn my eyes the moment before the mud swallows me completely and I'm jettisoned from the dream.