(no subject)
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
- Cyril Connolly
It's down to the last wire now. Less than 19 hours before the last paper of my academic paper needs to be turned in. Since I want this done by 10AM, there's technically only about seven hours before the deadline. I am so GLAD that only about 3 other people (aside from myself) will be reading my thesis. There's a high probability that I botched a good chunk of my paper- most likely the two middle chapters. It seems to be repeating itself rather repetitively but that might be due to pulling an all-night, it being nearly 4AM in the morning, and I haven't slept properly in the past few days.
When I had finished this paper a week ago, there was an immense feeling of relief and excitement. A moment of high and accomplishment before I would be thrown off Cloud 9 and had to face the reality of revision. I've never been good with revisions because it usually leads to a few panic attacks and loads of massive, last-minute overhauls of the paper and its theme and subjects. Even after it's been proofread by others, I still can't help but feel the need to scrap parts (or everything) to start all over. It's the same with this paper. It doesn't feel complete or as thoroughly researched as it could be. There are fears that it's going to insult someone (and everyone). The topic is sensitive and underrepresented (something that isn't unfamiliar in my particular area of studies). There's very little research but such a big hope to expand it, that I'm afraid whatever I write may not contribute anything or just ruin its research. So I've spent every waking moment trying to make sure it's going to be the best paper I could possibly ever churn out.
It's getting there though, and I've only had to do an overhaul of one chapter and a subsection of another chapter. I need to get cracking on the rest of the paper and triple check the sources, hopefully I'll survive the morning.