Letter to Jess
*****
12:09am Jan 10, 2006
Something K---- recommended to me tonight was to write you a letter, then read it again in 24 hours and make certain that it really is what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. If only I would have done that this whole weekend. But, what's said is said and I can't take it back.
I wanted you to know that I didn't leave that note on the table for any reason other than to tell you how I felt. I wasn't sure if you would come to the apartment or not, but in case you did and I missed you, at least it would be a start. There have been a couple good things that have come out of this, and for those I thank you.
1. It's been surprisingly easier to tell people what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I find myself telling friends things that just a week ago I would have thought, but probably never said. I may preface my comment with a disclaimer of sorts so that what I say is taken as I mean it, but at least it is being said.
2. I can't manage my anger alone. I need help - it isn't enough to acknowledge that I have a problem, I need to do something about it.
The downside to these things is the terrible price we've had to pay. What I've said, what I've done, the damage I've caused... I really don't know if it's worth it. Yes, they are changes I needed to make, and the normal course of things wasn't going allow it. Or I wouldn't, I don't know.
I also wanted you to know that I talked to T-----. I wanted her to know that there were definitely no hard feelings between her and I, and that I would have given you the same advice if I were her. I'm sorry if I broke any confidences in talking to her, but I couldn't stand possibly destroying another friendship right now. Two is already two too many. Even if you or R--- can ever forgive me, self-forgiveness is even less likely. One more reason I said what I did to R--- was to try to prevent my anger from getting the better of me. To try to prevent the situation from even arising. But as always, I went about it entirely the wrong way.
I told K---- about Starbucks. We both agree that I wasn't in my right mind - your friends that thought I looked crazy were right. I'm not trying to excuse what I did, because there isn't one. The whole event was a wake-up call for me, but again, at what cost?
On Saturday and Sunday, the thought of you being with another guy made me sick to my stomach. Since leaving Starbucks, it's been the thought of what this guy (me) did to you that makes me ill. I can't apologize enough, there aren't strong enough words for me to convey how awful I feel. All I can seem to say to anyone is that I'm sorry. If only it didn't sound so hollow to me. As you said, too little too late.
My most fervent wishes at this point are that you can find happiness and that some day we can at least be friends again. But I know that my stupidity will make the latter difficult - once trust has been shattered, regaining it will be difficult. And even if I somehow manage it, I know it won't be the same. Like a vase shattered and glued back together, it will never be as strong as it was.
Please be safe. Please be happy. Always remember that I've loved you for many years and that I always will. And please know that I truly am sorry - you deserve so much better than what I gave you.
*****
Amazingly enough, right now is probably the most rational (dare I say optimistic?) I've felt since all of this started. The finger of blame is pointed the right direction now, and luckily it's pointed at a person that I have some control over. Regrets will do me no good at this point; learning from my mistakes and resolving my issues will.
I'm not sure what did it. I'm not sure what just clicked, but something did. I can feel it. By no means am I trying to say I'm over it, that would just be ludicrous. I almost put my mood as resigned, but decided resolved was more accurate. But even that isn't right. It's like the gauntlet has been thrown, and I just picked it up. I can do this. I'm not sure how, but I can.
And I will.