I'm here, and while I would never venture as far as to say I am capable of offering flawless advice, I can always offer my opinion. And I must warn you...you are probably not going to like it, for if roles were reversed, I would be immensely frustrated in response. You need to simply wait. Time will make things more apparent, and if you are to strive for closure, the potential for further damage not only to yourself, but to your fragile current bond with Jess is exponential.
I don't know this friend which you mention, but I do not believe it to be entirely appropriate for anything to be said in regards to having knowledge that could further distance and injure either of you...what is needed right now is support from those close, not suggestions of betrayal, for that is the implication behind that statement. To me. But then again, I tend to be rather negative. Ahem. Right. As you were. Just minus the running into the brick wall, okay?
I'm not looking for flawless advice, no one can offer that. What I am looking for is YOUR advice. Honestly, I know I probably won't like what you have to say. But it doesn't change whether I need to hear it or not. There have been a lot of things that I have liked that ultimately I needed.
And you're right, it wasn't an appropriate remark. I'm pretty sure I know why it was said, but that doesn't change that it probably shouldn't have been said. As for the alleged negativity - I read the same implication in the statement.
Regardless, this has served to strip another couple delusions I was holding on to and needed to let go of. I will warn you now, what I have to say is very heavy and very unpleasant. I know this is going to sound lame, but I'll say it anyway now, while I can - I hope what I tell you won't make you think less of me.
And that is the sticking point - to try to make amends will injure her. To not try will probably injure me.
And then the over-analysis kicks in again. Do I really want to tell her to make amends? Do I want to tell her just to hurt her? Do I want to tell her in the hopes that she will confess things (that might not even exist) to me?
It is possible to make amends without directly involving her. Once again, this is where a pen and paper (and then in this case a match) are your friends.
I didn't get your message until about 7:45 last night and by then I in the middle of dinner. I tried to call down to the store and locate you a couple times today without success.
I almost want to go out and get you a cell phone or something.
for what it's worth:
no answer she gives you will help to settle your heart. your head will only swirl with more anger. it has to be you and only you now. I'm sure you know this. your head and heart tell you that when you're calm enough to listen to them.
it will be a lonely road. don't let too many voices in. stop listening to those around you and go with what you know to be right. think before you act. think before you feel. think.
and with all due respect, sir, you should start ignoring some what all of us say [myself included]. though I agree with most of what your friends have been saying, some of the comments have been horrible. you know best, you just don't know it yet.
lean on nothing and no one. take no advice above your own. fuck all of this. walk with your camera. get comfortable with being able to stand alone. as I have always said and will always say, you'll never be good enough for anyone else until you are good enough for yourself.
no more, man. leave everyone elses voice out of this. stop asking them questions they cannot answer [though most of them will think they can and will attempt to]. misery loves company, sir. those who are miserable themselves will use this unfortunate time to attempt to fix themselves in you. do not let that happen, sir. we've spoken at length about this. you know better.
The things I've posted in my LJ - for once - have been posted entirely for me. Thoughts that other people leave are in the periphery. Being able to get them out is the key thing here. And I know a paper journal would do me just as well... I need to start carrying one again. The questions I ask are the same thing. I don't expect anyone here to be able to answer them for me, as that isn't where the answers need to come from.
I do know best what I need, and I do recognize that fact. Talking to other people, either face to face or via LJ, has served it's purpose. Some of the things that have been said are dead on; I already knew some of those, others hadn't hit me yet. Other things have been a bit off or even way out in left field, but even those provide a little different perspective on things. It forces me to reevaluate, which can be a good thing.
But I do know where you are coming from. And I do know better. Barring the occasional freak-out, the clarity I've had the last 2-3 days really is kind of frightening.
It was a late call anyway. The phone at coffee sucks and you can't dial out - I finally borrowed Mr. Frazier's phone. I'm at work from 8 to 5, so getting to coffee usually isn't until 6-ish.
I should be getting a phone in the next few days. Very limited minutes, but at least it's something.
Strangely enough, anger has been in short supply since Sunday. The cycle for the last 2-3 days has been to freak out, calm back down, then enjoy the ensuing clarity as I figure out a couple more things. The amount of time I freak out has slowly decreased, and today's "episode" only lasted a couple seconds. As for why I posted about it, more below...
Chris, in the times I've talked with her she's said she doesn't think you realize it but she is comfortable with friendship in the future. She wants you to get what you need. If what you need is to talk to her, my sense is that she'd be receptive.
Yes, but only after I'd called her first. So...kind of. But yeah, we've talked like twice this week. Not tons, cause I don't like talking on the phone with her...she's so quiet that I end up lecturing or pontificating then feeling like a jerk. *rolls eyes at self*
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I don't know this friend which you mention, but I do not believe it to be entirely appropriate for anything to be said in regards to having knowledge that could further distance and injure either of you...what is needed right now is support from those close, not suggestions of betrayal, for that is the implication behind that statement. To me. But then again, I tend to be rather negative. Ahem. Right. As you were. Just minus the running into the brick wall, okay?
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And you're right, it wasn't an appropriate remark. I'm pretty sure I know why it was said, but that doesn't change that it probably shouldn't have been said. As for the alleged negativity - I read the same implication in the statement.
Regardless, this has served to strip another couple delusions I was holding on to and needed to let go of. I will warn you now, what I have to say is very heavy and very unpleasant. I know this is going to sound lame, but I'll say it anyway now, while I can - I hope what I tell you won't make you think less of me.
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And then the over-analysis kicks in again. Do I really want to tell her to make amends? Do I want to tell her just to hurt her? Do I want to tell her in the hopes that she will confess things (that might not even exist) to me?
Like I said, brick walls...
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I almost want to go out and get you a cell phone or something.
for what it's worth:
no answer she gives you will help to settle your heart. your head will only swirl with more anger. it has to be you and only you now. I'm sure you know this. your head and heart tell you that when you're calm enough to listen to them.
it will be a lonely road. don't let too many voices in. stop listening to those around you and go with what you know to be right. think before you act. think before you feel. think.
only you will know what you need, sir.
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lean on nothing and no one. take no advice above your own. fuck all of this. walk with your camera. get comfortable with being able to stand alone. as I have always said and will always say, you'll never be good enough for anyone else until you are good enough for yourself.
no more, man. leave everyone elses voice out of this. stop asking them questions they cannot answer [though most of them will think they can and will attempt to]. misery loves company, sir. those who are miserable themselves will use this unfortunate time to attempt to fix themselves in you. do not let that happen, sir. we've spoken at length about this. you know better.
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I do know best what I need, and I do recognize that fact. Talking to other people, either face to face or via LJ, has served it's purpose. Some of the things that have been said are dead on; I already knew some of those, others hadn't hit me yet. Other things have been a bit off or even way out in left field, but even those provide a little different perspective on things. It forces me to reevaluate, which can be a good thing.
But I do know where you are coming from. And I do know better. Barring the occasional freak-out, the clarity I've had the last 2-3 days really is kind of frightening.
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I should be getting a phone in the next few days. Very limited minutes, but at least it's something.
Strangely enough, anger has been in short supply since Sunday. The cycle for the last 2-3 days has been to freak out, calm back down, then enjoy the ensuing clarity as I figure out a couple more things. The amount of time I freak out has slowly decreased, and today's "episode" only lasted a couple seconds. As for why I posted about it, more below...
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Just my 2 cents.
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Did she finally call you?
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And I SO hear you on the lecturing/pontificating. I've been catching myself doing the same a lot lately, especially to those who don't read LJ.
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