A Hairy Subject Among Champions and Men...or maybe just centuries old Master Vampires
A very very belated birthday present for shanmara and ash_carpenter. Hope you like!
Title: A Hairy Subject
Pairing: Spangel
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: AtS Season 5. A survey sparks an argument over one of the major areas of contention between Spike and Angel.
Top Ten Reasons Why Blondes Have More Fun: A Brunette Perspective
1. They don’t. Unless they’re having fun at your expense, making fun of your perfectly fine, NOT poofy hair. Now, if they didn’t spray it with cum right before your board meetings, you might not need to fix it so much. So whose fault is it, really?
2. Ignorance is bliss and blondes are most blissful. (Ha, figure that one out, oh-he-of-the-radioactive-hair-color)
3. Just because their hair shines brightly in sunlight and makes you want to touch it and wrap it around your cock (which you would be able to do if they hadn’t cut it off like you warned them not to) doesn’t mean it’s attractive. Blondes are just all hair (ok, maybe some legs and ass as well) and no substance, whereas brunettes…c’mon, all intelligent people have brown hair and everyone knows that, except for jealous idiots that try to put glitter in somebody else’s hair gel.
4. They can get away with looking all sweet and innocent even when they aren’t or should I say especially when they aren’t? Your friends fall for it every single time too. It’s not fair. You’re supposed to be He-of-the-angelic-face. I mean, hello? Does the name Angel not clue you in? Stupid, thunder stealing blonde morons.
5. They seem like they’re having more fun because they’re attention whores - dancing naked on top of the table, anyone? Anyway, who says brooding by yourself can’t be fun? It just depends on what you’re brooding about.
6. Ok, so maybe the guilt could be a downer. Why do blondes get away with so much? Like only a few weeks in a basement post-soul. And wearing leather without getting staked. I mean, it should be a rule that no leather is allowed for ALL souled vampires, especially if they wear it with the intent of flaunting it in your face.
7. Blondes are girly. That is the REAL reason why they get hit on more, especially when they wear said leather trousers that fit so tightly it should be illegal. If they insist on doing that, they shouldn’t complain about getting chained up. I mean, it’s for their own good. Do they really want everyone else to molest them?
8. They appear less threatening so the whole freaking world lets down their guard around them. Then they get to have sex with your “true” love for like five million times while if you so much as look funny, you get a stake in your face. Aim for the heart, at least!
9. They look good all the time. They look good when they are bruised and bleeding, chained and collared, clothed or naked, on their knees only or on both their hands and knees…er, where was I? Right, they have an unfair natural advantage whereas the rest of us only have the mysterious, disappear off in the night kinda thing going for us. And that can only happen at night, when you kinda wanna do things that have less to do with disappearing - unless, it’s one part of your anatomy disappearing into somebody else’s body.
10. Whew, this is the end. Thank God, I’ve got better things to do…stop smirking and get your mind out of the gutter. I’ve got responsibilities. I can’t just lie around and look awfully cute like certain blondes do when they snuggle up to your chest at night. Then again, even Attila the Hun would look cute then…er…scratch that…Anyway, how come nobody asks why brunettes have more fun?!?!
Top Ten Reasons Why Blondes Have More Fun: A Blonde Response to the Errors in the Brunette Perspective (Stop looking around, git. Yeah, I do mean you!)
1. Just cause we bloody do, you non-blonde, broody poofters with nancy hair! ‘Sides if you didn’t glue it down like a gel obsessed fairy, we wouldn’t have anything to muss up, would we? =)
2. We’re pretty and smart, unlike other vamps with dense foreheads that I can think of. And ignorance ain’t the same thing as stupid - only Irish micks would think so. Too much potato eating and not enough book reading, I reckon. Unless it’s the Kama Sutra. Stop stealing mine and get your own, you cheap bastard. You ain’t gonna master that move no matter how many soddin’ times you try. And they say brunettes can’t be fun…ny.
3. Our hair looks good all the bloody time and we don’t need glitter to make it shiny. *snickers* Just trying to offer some help there, ponce.
4. Our charming wit wins us more mates. Just because they’re your mates is no reason to get all huffy. Oh and the only thing angelic about you is your arse. Heard from the cowboy, ‘s a nice slice of heaven up there. Too bad you’ve got a permanent stick rammed up that anal retentive tightness. Betcha wish it was my “stick,” you perv. Maybe if you ask nicely. Or call me the All Mighty Sex God of the Universe.
5. We don’t need to seem like we’re having more fun because we ARE more fun. ‘sides if I didn’t dance naked on the table, we’d have been thrown out of that club after hearing the inventive form of torture you pass off as singing. Don’t hog the limelight, mate. It only makes you look pathetic when you can’t perform. Heard they’ve got something that helps with that...maybe you should try it?
6. Jeez, don’t blame me if my hot tight bod can fit in leather pants and your fat arse can’t. Some of us blondes spend our time being Champions of the people instead of pushing around paper all day and pretending to look important. Newsflash, getting your jollies off by ordering Harmony around is a new low. Especially when she doesn’t listen.
7. Oi, it’s called fine bone structure! Believe me, I know. I’ve spent enough nights chained up looking at your ugly mug to tell the difference. Just because nobody wants to molest you is no reason to stop others of us (blondes) from having our fun. Maybe you should try peroxide? Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you secretly want my look. They already know.
8. Unlike certain plonkers that blow their load in like five seconds (and get “perfectly” happy doing that), blondes have stamina and that’s the real reason we get shagged more.
9. We look best when we top and I knooooow you wanna see it. Stop denying your inner sub and put on that French maid’s outfit. You know, the one you wear when you think nobody is looking. Or when Percy just “happens” to walk by.
10. Lastly…erhm…well, you know…a certain someone likes blondes better. Not that I care about said someone. I really don’t. Where did you get that idea? Just saying, is all. Are we done with this bloody thing yet? I got me a brunette to top.
Title: A Hairy Subject
Pairing: Spangel
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: AtS Season 5. A survey sparks an argument over one of the major areas of contention between Spike and Angel.
Top Ten Reasons Why Blondes Have More Fun: A Brunette Perspective
1. They don’t. Unless they’re having fun at your expense, making fun of your perfectly fine, NOT poofy hair. Now, if they didn’t spray it with cum right before your board meetings, you might not need to fix it so much. So whose fault is it, really?
2. Ignorance is bliss and blondes are most blissful. (Ha, figure that one out, oh-he-of-the-radioactive-hair-color)
3. Just because their hair shines brightly in sunlight and makes you want to touch it and wrap it around your cock (which you would be able to do if they hadn’t cut it off like you warned them not to) doesn’t mean it’s attractive. Blondes are just all hair (ok, maybe some legs and ass as well) and no substance, whereas brunettes…c’mon, all intelligent people have brown hair and everyone knows that, except for jealous idiots that try to put glitter in somebody else’s hair gel.
4. They can get away with looking all sweet and innocent even when they aren’t or should I say especially when they aren’t? Your friends fall for it every single time too. It’s not fair. You’re supposed to be He-of-the-angelic-face. I mean, hello? Does the name Angel not clue you in? Stupid, thunder stealing blonde morons.
5. They seem like they’re having more fun because they’re attention whores - dancing naked on top of the table, anyone? Anyway, who says brooding by yourself can’t be fun? It just depends on what you’re brooding about.
6. Ok, so maybe the guilt could be a downer. Why do blondes get away with so much? Like only a few weeks in a basement post-soul. And wearing leather without getting staked. I mean, it should be a rule that no leather is allowed for ALL souled vampires, especially if they wear it with the intent of flaunting it in your face.
7. Blondes are girly. That is the REAL reason why they get hit on more, especially when they wear said leather trousers that fit so tightly it should be illegal. If they insist on doing that, they shouldn’t complain about getting chained up. I mean, it’s for their own good. Do they really want everyone else to molest them?
8. They appear less threatening so the whole freaking world lets down their guard around them. Then they get to have sex with your “true” love for like five million times while if you so much as look funny, you get a stake in your face. Aim for the heart, at least!
9. They look good all the time. They look good when they are bruised and bleeding, chained and collared, clothed or naked, on their knees only or on both their hands and knees…er, where was I? Right, they have an unfair natural advantage whereas the rest of us only have the mysterious, disappear off in the night kinda thing going for us. And that can only happen at night, when you kinda wanna do things that have less to do with disappearing - unless, it’s one part of your anatomy disappearing into somebody else’s body.
10. Whew, this is the end. Thank God, I’ve got better things to do…stop smirking and get your mind out of the gutter. I’ve got responsibilities. I can’t just lie around and look awfully cute like certain blondes do when they snuggle up to your chest at night. Then again, even Attila the Hun would look cute then…er…scratch that…Anyway, how come nobody asks why brunettes have more fun?!?!
Top Ten Reasons Why Blondes Have More Fun: A Blonde Response to the Errors in the Brunette Perspective (Stop looking around, git. Yeah, I do mean you!)
1. Just cause we bloody do, you non-blonde, broody poofters with nancy hair! ‘Sides if you didn’t glue it down like a gel obsessed fairy, we wouldn’t have anything to muss up, would we? =)
2. We’re pretty and smart, unlike other vamps with dense foreheads that I can think of. And ignorance ain’t the same thing as stupid - only Irish micks would think so. Too much potato eating and not enough book reading, I reckon. Unless it’s the Kama Sutra. Stop stealing mine and get your own, you cheap bastard. You ain’t gonna master that move no matter how many soddin’ times you try. And they say brunettes can’t be fun…ny.
3. Our hair looks good all the bloody time and we don’t need glitter to make it shiny. *snickers* Just trying to offer some help there, ponce.
4. Our charming wit wins us more mates. Just because they’re your mates is no reason to get all huffy. Oh and the only thing angelic about you is your arse. Heard from the cowboy, ‘s a nice slice of heaven up there. Too bad you’ve got a permanent stick rammed up that anal retentive tightness. Betcha wish it was my “stick,” you perv. Maybe if you ask nicely. Or call me the All Mighty Sex God of the Universe.
5. We don’t need to seem like we’re having more fun because we ARE more fun. ‘sides if I didn’t dance naked on the table, we’d have been thrown out of that club after hearing the inventive form of torture you pass off as singing. Don’t hog the limelight, mate. It only makes you look pathetic when you can’t perform. Heard they’ve got something that helps with that...maybe you should try it?
6. Jeez, don’t blame me if my hot tight bod can fit in leather pants and your fat arse can’t. Some of us blondes spend our time being Champions of the people instead of pushing around paper all day and pretending to look important. Newsflash, getting your jollies off by ordering Harmony around is a new low. Especially when she doesn’t listen.
7. Oi, it’s called fine bone structure! Believe me, I know. I’ve spent enough nights chained up looking at your ugly mug to tell the difference. Just because nobody wants to molest you is no reason to stop others of us (blondes) from having our fun. Maybe you should try peroxide? Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you secretly want my look. They already know.
8. Unlike certain plonkers that blow their load in like five seconds (and get “perfectly” happy doing that), blondes have stamina and that’s the real reason we get shagged more.
9. We look best when we top and I knooooow you wanna see it. Stop denying your inner sub and put on that French maid’s outfit. You know, the one you wear when you think nobody is looking. Or when Percy just “happens” to walk by.
10. Lastly…erhm…well, you know…a certain someone likes blondes better. Not that I care about said someone. I really don’t. Where did you get that idea? Just saying, is all. Are we done with this bloody thing yet? I got me a brunette to top.