A long silence...
So yeah
I'm back
From the hospital
after almost a full week
Why?
I admitted myself
I couldn't take it any more
I felt abandoned and betrayed
Forsaken and lost
I wanted to kill my parents
With my bare hands
But then I felt bad about doing this, because I love my family
even if they did kick me out of the house.
so I wanted to "disable" myself before I could hurt anybody.
Spending an entire weekend in my car, I didn't know what else to do.
I just stared out the window for a full day, if not longer.
I screamed out loud, trying to get it out of me.
Trying to comprehend why my family would do this.
The weekend flew by and I returned to a friends house for a shower.
I showed her an email I sent them not to long before I left and it seemed to disturb her.
It disturbed me, that I was asking my parents to leave me alone.
That I felt cornered.
That I would lash out at them if I was cornered.
I wanted to trash my families house
I wanted to take away the home that they took from me.
I went to the doctor, and broke down in front of him.
I have never been so confused or lost in my life.
I felt like I had nowhere else to go.
I felt I had no other place to be, nobody to turn to to cry on.
I felt my head ready to collapse as I screamed at myself to stop thinking
To stop wanting to choke my father to death.
I've never been so scared of myself in my life...
I broke down.
Taken to the hospital, I was watched over for a full week.
They told me that I had indeed broken down, but to a point where I still could pick myself back up.
I was in a state where I felt filthy
I felt scared of my own thoughts
I felt lost
They gave me a bunch of pills, I met new friends, and lost just the same.
I feel numb, and alone.
Even though I know I have friends, I still feel alone
And for not having the sensation of feeling like my friends are there for me
I feel awfull for not feeling this way, to not recognizing the friends that I have.
I keep wanting more, begging for more and forgetting everything else exists.
It turns out my head has dug itself a hole in which I now get to crawl out of.
I'm sorry to all those who I have hurt before.
I want to cry for not being able to do anything to control who i am
I feel like I am against myself in the hopes of trying to discover who I am
Of what I have become and what I can do to get back a piece of my own existance that is at least acceptable in public, let alone in the privacy of my own family.
I still feel filthy
I still feel alienated
I still feel lost
I no longer want to hurt anybody, instead I just feel numb.
My family loves me, and didn't mean for it to go as far as it did.
I still have issues being close to my parents.
I can hug them and hold them and want to cry
For how filthy I have become for wanting to hurt them.
Never again will my relationship to any of my friends and family be the same
For I am not who I am
I don't know who I am, nor do I want to find out who I was.
I want to love and be loved, but I have to rely on pills to manage what I have become.
It makes me feel dirty, it makes me feel different in such a way that sickens me
Yet, I just feel numb.
I hope this upcoming monday will turn out for the better, as I will be seeking theraputic help and aid from Dragonfly Therapy.
Hopefully they can help me make sense of my own mind.
To help me find out who I am.
To help me manage who I have become.
I am so sorry
Sorry beyond compare for having to have a battle against myself.
I've never felt so confused, and I feel I have hurt to many people because of it.
I will be on more of a hiatus I'm afraid, a hiatus from myself in order to discover who I am.
I've taken a break from school
I've missed a good count of days from work as well
Though I will continue an offline journal in the hopes of keeping track of my thoughts without harming anybody's feelings.
I will still try to keep up with the rest of the world, but I can not promise anything
I don't want me to get in the way, or to hurt people when I say somethign I don't mean.
I love you all and best wishes,
Darkstal
I'm back
From the hospital
after almost a full week
Why?
I admitted myself
I couldn't take it any more
I felt abandoned and betrayed
Forsaken and lost
I wanted to kill my parents
With my bare hands
But then I felt bad about doing this, because I love my family
even if they did kick me out of the house.
so I wanted to "disable" myself before I could hurt anybody.
Spending an entire weekend in my car, I didn't know what else to do.
I just stared out the window for a full day, if not longer.
I screamed out loud, trying to get it out of me.
Trying to comprehend why my family would do this.
The weekend flew by and I returned to a friends house for a shower.
I showed her an email I sent them not to long before I left and it seemed to disturb her.
It disturbed me, that I was asking my parents to leave me alone.
That I felt cornered.
That I would lash out at them if I was cornered.
I wanted to trash my families house
I wanted to take away the home that they took from me.
I went to the doctor, and broke down in front of him.
I have never been so confused or lost in my life.
I felt like I had nowhere else to go.
I felt I had no other place to be, nobody to turn to to cry on.
I felt my head ready to collapse as I screamed at myself to stop thinking
To stop wanting to choke my father to death.
I've never been so scared of myself in my life...
I broke down.
Taken to the hospital, I was watched over for a full week.
They told me that I had indeed broken down, but to a point where I still could pick myself back up.
I was in a state where I felt filthy
I felt scared of my own thoughts
I felt lost
They gave me a bunch of pills, I met new friends, and lost just the same.
I feel numb, and alone.
Even though I know I have friends, I still feel alone
And for not having the sensation of feeling like my friends are there for me
I feel awfull for not feeling this way, to not recognizing the friends that I have.
I keep wanting more, begging for more and forgetting everything else exists.
It turns out my head has dug itself a hole in which I now get to crawl out of.
I'm sorry to all those who I have hurt before.
I want to cry for not being able to do anything to control who i am
I feel like I am against myself in the hopes of trying to discover who I am
Of what I have become and what I can do to get back a piece of my own existance that is at least acceptable in public, let alone in the privacy of my own family.
I still feel filthy
I still feel alienated
I still feel lost
I no longer want to hurt anybody, instead I just feel numb.
My family loves me, and didn't mean for it to go as far as it did.
I still have issues being close to my parents.
I can hug them and hold them and want to cry
For how filthy I have become for wanting to hurt them.
Never again will my relationship to any of my friends and family be the same
For I am not who I am
I don't know who I am, nor do I want to find out who I was.
I want to love and be loved, but I have to rely on pills to manage what I have become.
It makes me feel dirty, it makes me feel different in such a way that sickens me
Yet, I just feel numb.
I hope this upcoming monday will turn out for the better, as I will be seeking theraputic help and aid from Dragonfly Therapy.
Hopefully they can help me make sense of my own mind.
To help me find out who I am.
To help me manage who I have become.
I am so sorry
Sorry beyond compare for having to have a battle against myself.
I've never felt so confused, and I feel I have hurt to many people because of it.
I will be on more of a hiatus I'm afraid, a hiatus from myself in order to discover who I am.
I've taken a break from school
I've missed a good count of days from work as well
Though I will continue an offline journal in the hopes of keeping track of my thoughts without harming anybody's feelings.
I will still try to keep up with the rest of the world, but I can not promise anything
I don't want me to get in the way, or to hurt people when I say somethign I don't mean.
I love you all and best wishes,
Darkstal