POTHEAD FANTASIES
Scene 3
Scene changes to Joel’s house. Construction and camera crews are parked in front. Joel walks through the door. Andrew runs up to him.
Andrew: Joel! You’ll never believe it! You know that sexy chick on TLC? The one who does that home makeover show?
Joel: What about her?
Andrew: Well what happened was…Flashback
Andrew is smoking a cigarette while watching TV. Lotion and a box of tissues are all over the table. Doorbell rings. Andrew outs his cigarette, turns the TV off and walks over to the door.
Andrew: Yes?
Woman At The Door: Hello, my name’s Casi Valencia and you’re on OPERATION RENOVATION! She pauses hoping for a response. Andrew is just staring at her blankly. Well, in case you don’t know, our show picks houses in no particular order and we do a complete renovation! May we come in?
Andrew: Stops staring at her chest. Oh yeah, sure dude. I mean dudette. I mean sexy lady I want to throw on the floor and bang until your brains come out of your ears until you climax while I continuously punch the back of your head. Casi gives him a disgusted look. I mean, uh, yeah come in.
Casi: Uh, thanks. Walks in and looks at the hole in the wall. Uh-oh! Looks like a little accident happened here!
Andrew: Yeah, the Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall thinking it was a little kids birthday.
Casi: Yeah, I kinda could tell by the Kool-Aid Man shaped hole. Anyways! Let’s get this operation: renovation going!
End flashback
Andrew: And that’s what happened!
Joel: Wow. Good job man. I always wanted to redecorate this place.
Bernard sleepily stumbles up to them
Bernard: Beginning to fully wake up. What the hell’s with the noise? And who are all these people?
Joel: Those guys from Operation Renovation are doing a makeover.
Bernard smirks and crosses his arms.
Bernard: Well?
Joel: Well what?
Bernard: Aren’t you going to thank me?
Joel: Thank you for what?
Bernard: For fixing the wall.
Joel: That was just a coincidence.
Bernard: Oh yeah? Downs some sleeping pills. Falls asleep instantly.
Andrew: Why the hell did he do that for?
Joel shrugs. A large floppy dildo flies in through a window.
Joel & Andrew: WHAT THE FUCK!?
Bernard wakes up.
Bernard: Did a big floppy donkey dick come flying in through the window?
Andrew: No. It was a large floppy dildo.
Neighbor’s wife comes inside the house.
Neighbor’s wife: Um, excuse me. I don’t know how to say this, but-
Bernard: If you’re looking for a large floppy dildo, it’s on the floor next to the TV.
Neighbor’s wife: Oh. Ok. Thanks. Picks up dildo, quickly walks out.
Andrew: DUDE DO IT AGAIN! THIS TIME WITH A BLOWUP DOLL THAT LOOKS LIKE JUDI DENCH! No. Not Judi Dench. Umm…Liza Minelli!
Joel: You can’t be serious Andrew.
Andrew: Look Joel. You have to accept the fact that Bernard’s psychic. So far, everything he’s had a dream about came true. Kool-Aid Man, Operation Renovation, and that big floppy dildo that came flying through the window.
Bernard: I understand completely if your jealous, Joel. It’s understandable. But you have to remember there’s a line between coincidence and miracles.
Joel: Jealous? What the hell are you talking about? I’m not jealous about anything. Kool-Aid Man got the wrong house, Operation Renovation picks houses at random, and as for the dildo, that lady’s husband probably got jealous that his wife came more with a dildo then she did with him. It’s all just simple coincidences.
Andrew: Whispers to Bernard. I think he’s in denial.
Bernard: Same dude
Joel: I am not in fucking denial. I am merely being realistic, alright? You know what, fuck you guys. You’re starting to piss me off with this psychic bullshit. I’m gonna go and try to help those renovation guys.
Joel goes to a construction worker. Construction worker denies his help and tells him to go outside and to bring Andrew and Bernard.
Scene 4
Camera and construction crews drive off. Joel, Bernard, and Andrew are looking at the living room. There is little to no difference.
Joel: Those fucking bastards. No wonder why they told us to get out. They did jack shit.
Bernard: At least they fixed the wall for us.
Andrew: But they said they were gonna do a complete makeover.
Bernard: Like I said, at least they fixed the wall for us.
Andrew: They could’ve at least cleaned up the mess.
Bernard: That was your mess to begin with.
Joel: He’s got a point there. Okay. New rule.
Andrew: New rule? What the hell are you talking about?
Joel: Shut up and listen. New rule is you clean up your own shit. You guys come over so much, it’s like you fucking live here.
Bernard: Alright fine whatever. Well what do you guys wanna do now?
Joel: Uh…
They hear Andrew sparking a lighter. They look to see him hitting the bong.
Andrew: I’m not gonna finish this bowl by myself.
Joel and Bernard look at each other and nod in agreement. They both reach for the bong.
Scene 5
Andrew, Bernard, and Joel are watching TV. They are red eyed and look sleepy.
Andrew: I’m hungry. How about you two?
Bernard: Well what do you wanna eat?
Joel: Since I’m driving, I’m saying Wendy’s. Daddy wants himself a Bacon Double Melt.
Andrew: Yeah sure. That’s good for me.
Bernard: I was feeling Chinese food, but Wendy’s is good for me.
Joel: Seen. Dipset bitches.
They all get up to head to the car. Bernard heads to the washroom
Andrew: Where are you going?
Bernard: Yells from the washroom. Just gotta take a piss. The toilet flushes, and Bernard steps out of the washroom. Alright lets go. SHOTGUN!
Andrew: Goddamn. I NEVER get shotgun.
Bernard: Fuck you. You never get shotgun. Your mom gets shotgun. On my penis.
Andrew: She got shotgun on mine before! Waits for props.
Both Joel and Bernard stare at Andrew.
Joel: That’s fucking nasty man.
Scene 6
Inside Wendy’s. Andrew walks to where Joel and Bernard are sitting.
Joel: … and then he gets all pissed off cause I thought he was gay!
Bernard: Why’d you think that?
Joel: Cause this guy was such a flamer! I mean he had the whole fairy lisp thing and the strut thing
Andrew sits down
Andrew: What are you guys talking about?
Bernard: Joel was talking about this guy who was helping him out at Home Hardware.
Andrew: He was gay?
Joel: I thought he was.
Andrew: Why’d you think he was gay?
Joel: Simply put, he acted like a fairy.
Andrew: That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay. He act’s straight, yet we all know he’s flaming. He’s like a goddamn human torch.
Bernard: Fuck you Andrew. Suck my nuts.
Andrew: See what I mean?
Bernard: I mean… lick my dick!
Joel: Ha ha! He is!
Bernard: I mean uhh… touch my nipples…Joel and Andrew stare at him. I’m not fucking gay!
Joel laughs. Bernard punches Andrew.
Andrew: Ow! No need to be all abusive. Save the abuse for your boyfriend.
Joel: BURN!
Bernard: Fuck you guys. Pushes his food away. Ugh. I can’t eat this. It’s making me sleepy. Joel, send your keys.
Joel: Why?
Bernard: Cause I want to nap in the car, that’s why.
Joel: No.
Bernard: Come on please? I’ll give you ten bucks.
Joel: Ten bucks if I give you my keys so you can nap in my car.
Bernard: Yes.
Joel: OK. Here. Hands him the keys. But if you drive off, I’ll cut your balls off and shove em down your throat.
Andrew: Do it anyways Joel. That way he can suck his own nuts. That way he doesn’t need his boyfriend.
Bernard: Fuck you Andrew. Don’t worry dude. I’m not gonna drive off. He leaves.
Andrew: Lucky bastard.
Joel: What? You want me to rip your balls off too?
Andrew: Don’t even talk about my balls. And its not that. It’s just that I want powers too
Joel; Annoyed. You’re still on that?!
Andrew: Well its kinda hard to forget that your friend can read the future.
Joel: Angry. He has no fucking powers!
Andrew: Face the facts dude.
Joel: The facts are that you and Bernard are fucking stupid for thinking Bernard is psychic! Now can we just drop this subject.
Andrew: Alright fine. Mutters. Non-believer.
Joel: I heard that.
Andrew; Heard what? I didn’t say anything. I think someone’s burning too much.
Joel: Yeah, whatever. Mutters. Dumb fuck.
Andrew: Dump truck? Oh you mean thong song. Yeah I liked it too.
Joel rolls his eyes. They continue eating. Bernard bursts inside.
Bernard: Dudes! We have to stop him!
Joel: What the hell are you talking about?
Bernard: Well, there’s going to be a serial killer on the loose.
Andrew: What do you mean ‘going to be’?
Bernard: I had a dream that there’s going to be a serial killer. He called himself ‘Osteoman’
Joel: You’re fucking bullshitting dude. One, I can’t believe your still on the whole powers thing. Two, you have no powers, and three, who the hell would call themselves ‘Osteoman’?
Bernard: This guy does. He osteoblasts people
Andrew: What’s an osteoblast?
Joel: Something that builds bone in the body.
Andrew: Isn’t that a good thing?
Bernard: He builds the bone to the point where your body can’t contain it! No reaction from the other two. Meaning you die!
Andrew: Oh shiiiit.
Joel: Fucking ridicioulous.
Bernard: Exactly! We have to stop him!
Andrew: He’s right! We gotta find out who he is and stop him before people start dying!
Joel: You guys are fucked in the head, you know that?
Andrew: We’re fucked in the head cause we want to prevent people from dying?
Joel: No you’re fucked in the head cause you think Bernard has powers.
Bernard: Wow, man. That’s cold. You know that people are going to die, yet you don’t want to do anything to stop the person responsible.
Joel: Getting annoyed. No one’s going to die! It’s all just complete bullshit. Jesus Christ. You know what? I’m gonna head home. You guys are fucking pissing me off. Later. He leaves.
Bernard: Whatever. We can save people by ourselves.
Andrew: You’re right. We don’t need Joel’s non-believing ass.
Bernard: Exactly. Wait, how the hell are we getting home?
Andrew: Oh shit. Joel left, and he was our ride!
Bernard: Goddamn.
well thats bout all i got. im not to sure bout the title. leave comments for better titles or ideas.