Short one-act play, loosely based on a Ray Bradbury story of which I don't remember the name

[darth_carnate]

I haven't written any stage directions, and I think I want to rework parts of it.

Comments

[morthos]

1. You may want to make it a little longer. As it stands it seems about five minutes.

2. Some of the dialogue needs a little re-tooling, but nothing too bad.

3. Stage directions will help, as you already know.

Above all, good concept, very well done. I look forward to reading future drafts. (Do you need a program to help with formatting? Do you have one?)

[darth_carnate]

1. I do want to make it longer, you're right. I just don't know what to add right now.

2. Please point out which parts, and tell me what you would do. It'll really help the process to have an experienced writer making it better.

3. As soon as I have time, I'll put those in.

p.s. no program as of yet. Maybe I should get Final Draft or whatever it is.

[jirucloud]

The beginning seemed to drag a bit... maybe take some of that out and beef up the ending. Its a great thought, now really sell it! Flesh out the last portion where theyre introducing themselves to each other so that it doesnt seem so sudden.

Great job, an interesting script.

~Jiru-chan

[edenic]

I disagree with the above comment in that it drags a bit in the beginning. I think it reads like a real conversation between a hubby and a wiff.

I agree in that I think the ending needs to be "fleshed out" ( I like this phraseology)

Really...interesting idea. Kinda odd with the whole cell thing, but it was the woman's idea so what can you expect?

I liked it and would love to see it performed.