Can you believe it, ladies? This man is single...
I was sitting around this evening, surfing on the internet and admiring how much I rule, when it dawned on me: I am God's gift to women.
Granted, I'm uglier than sin and a complete asshole to nine tenths of the total population, but damn it, I know how to treat a woman.
For instance, I was dating this girl not too long ago... we'll call her Veronica, and we started getting pretty close. She'd always tell me that she liked my eyes and my smile, I'd always tell her to make me a steak. She'd always want to go to the movies and I'd tell her that if she interrupted my videogames one more time, I'd put her down. She said she was pregnant, I told her to get me a coat hanger.
You get the idea... it was bliss.
Well, nevertheless, Christmas came around. She went through all of the trouble to make a good meal and she went and got me a giftcard for A Touch of Crabs Class... realizing that girls like that don't come along very often, I pulled out the gift I got her to celebrate the birth of the man behind the first confirmed hammer-and-nails celebrity fatality: a ring.
Not just any ring though, a ring that I went through the trouble of going and buying at Andrew's Jewelers because they wouldn't stop sending me mail ever since I bought a ring there for my last disappointment.
Anyways, Veronica said that the ring was, hands down, the sweetest thing any guy had ever done for her and that she loved me. After some intense jungle sex where I called her by her sister's name more than twice and a money shot that would put Peter North to shame, she lied next to me and asked me how I ever could've thought of getting her such a perfect ring.
I smiled, then took her to my PC and told her to search on Yahoo! for 'goatse'.
She started crying like Nancy Kerrigan, told me to keep the ring, and ran like hell out the door. Biggest mistake of her life, she'll miss me... soon enough...
She'll miss the ring too... I returned it and used the money to get some White Castle's and a hooker, just to see which one would make me sicker.