Read this post to learn how an aneurism feels...
So if you started surfing around the wide-world of LiveJournal and began thinking to yourself, 'Man, I sure hope Kyle Brown didn't update'... then today just may be the worst day of your life.
Though sitting down at my PC and taking the time to update wasn't an easy task, by God, if you're reading this then I must've caved in and finally god-damn done it. I almost didn't take the time to post because my chair was missing, but I've seen more than enough episodes of MacGuyver in my day to know how to get myself out of some sticky situations, and this one was no different.
First, I tried to sit on the edge of my bed and lean up to my keyboard, but then realized that keeping pressure on my spine at that much of angle long enough to type an entire entry would probably get me stuck walking like a combination of Mr. Burns, my roommate and a velociraptor for the rest of my life.
After giving it some more thought, I finally realized I could just sit on my own nuts. So I went and got a soft towel, to prevent carpet burn, and laid it on the floor where I planned to sit. I double-checked to make sure my chair wasn't in here, after which decided to unzip my fly and drop my nuts to the ground. Now, I understand that sitting on nuts for most guys is like being uncomfortably seated on a couple of soft walnuts, but not for me. For me, sitting on my own nuts is like sitting on a couple of giant medicine balls wrapped together that you know will be responsible for contaminating the future generations of this planet; there's a lot of pride involved.
In fact, one of our attractive, 20-something neighbors just stopped in to say hello and asked me where I got the flesh-colored bean bag... I told her that I made it myself and asked her if she wanted to touch it... she said yes... brb...
OK, back.
Good news, I found my chair.
Nevertheless, I've had a lot on my mind lately. It's really been getting to me.
The other day, I started thinking about how fun it would be to punt a small dog over something... preferably a fence... though I'll probably go for the gold and try to kick one through a sweatshop window into a room full of starving Koreans. It has potential to be funny... but they'll probably just squint at the damn thing.
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Do you ever find yourself thinking of ways to torture people that truly don't understand sarcasm/satire and get offended so easily by something they continue to read on a regular basis in spite of how much it 'pains' them?
Especially when what they're bitching about isn't that offensive? I honestly think Wal-Mart sells CDs that are more offensive than what I put on here.
Did you ever notice how they claim to be Christians but say 'fuck you' when they don't agree with your valid points?
Maybe I should just let them borrow my shop-vac so they can get the sand out of their vaginas.
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Has anyone noticed that there were two future State Governors in the movie 'Predator'?
Fucked up shit.
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I found a website where women can try to do math and actually determine which days they're more fertile (i.e prone to be knocked up and abandoned). As a former-supporter of equal rights, now I understand why women weren't allowed to vote until the '20s...
As soon as my fight to re-legalize slavery is won, this is the next Amendment to go...
But while I was at that site, I made this...
Speaking of the ticker, that's not a joke.
So the next person to call me and ask to buy weed or drink here is going to have their number submitted to some telemarketers or random fucks that still think prank-calling is trendy... or maybe both...
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'Super Size Me' was just on and now I want to turn myself into a ginger kid, get a Hulk Hogan handlebar moustache and eat some damn cheeseburgers all month.
Speaking of ginger kids, Danny Bonaduce does steroids... so if he could sit on his nuts way back in the day, he probably can't now.
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The Colts are going to the Super Bowl... just too bad they'll have to get tickets like everyone else.
Maybe we'll get to see a new Peyton Manning commercial.
If the President of the United States can choke on a pretzel, then Peyton Manning can choke in every big game of his career.
COLTS: Count On Losing This Sunday... werd.
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I want to start a MySpace chain-letter titled '37 Ways to Beat Your Girlfriend' and see how many people send it back to me.
OK, I think I'm pretty bored now... so I'm going to play some more videogames or maybe be social and go play some poker. The End.