Finally, just what we need... a Kyle Brown school of driving.
Some things about Crawfordsville just piss me off. I can’t quite put my finger on any reasons why, but some things about this town just drive me up the wall. Then again, maybe this place it supposed to be hated.
It would make sense, seeing as to how the Target closes and the Wal-Mart and the Goodwill are still going strong or how our Planned Parenthood is now a trailer across the parking lot from the bowling alley. It could possibly be how more people in this town would rather waste time being big, blubbering vaginas and complaining about wanting a pussy smoking ordinance as opposed to doing something useful, like making me a steak.
After giving this more thought than it deserved, and almost being clipped by some douche who tried turning left from the right lane on a one-way street, I found something that pissed me off more than anything else; this town has too many one-way streets, and even more people who don’t know how in the blue hell to use them. Well, thank Allah Buddha God Richard Petty I’m here and am bored enough to take the time to explain this shit, because we all know the License Branch doesn’t stress this or any other driving procedures as clearly as they emphasize shitty-service, bad-hair, and chronic depression.
So, ladies and gentlemen, let’s begin.
Here, we have a one-way street. Now, I know a lot of you out there are like, ‘but Kyle, wtf, how r we sposed 2 kno it’s a 1 way st?!? rofl!! lmao!!’
Well, tools…
Yes, it’s really that damn simple. I’d like to think enough people around here could grasp this phenomenally simple concept, however, someone must’ve peed in the gene pool, because they still don’t. Which, leads me to illustrate my idea for a solution…
Here, we have a traditional Crawfordsville fuck, absolutely clueless behind the wheel on the way to file his next divorce. The Garth Brooks is cranked and the Beretta is coasting down the one-way street. For the sake of the demonstration, the driver will now be referred to as ‘assbag,’ or ‘the assbag.’ Well, anyway, after coasting for two blocks and passing fifteen gas stations, the assbag realizes he has to turn left at the next intersection. Out of habit, he sticks to the right side of the road, being too stupid to realize that it’s a one-way street and by turning left from the right lane, he would either have to cut someone off, if not actually causing an accident.
Thankfully, when assbag pulls up, he still has time to turn. However, he spills his butt-hole scented lime Coke and starts cleaning it up with leftover McDonald’s napkins, because every redneck has a McDonald’s napkin somewhere in their car. In this time, your hero, yours truly, Darth Brown pulls up in the left lane driving his new green, tricked out battletank, inspired by the film-induced orgasm known as ‘Batman Begins.’
Film-induced orgasm, you say?
Yes, the movie kicked that much ass.
Nevertheless, back to the lesson. So here we have assbag wanting to turn left from the right lane and me sitting in the left lane waiting for my turn to go.
In his infinite wisdom, the assbag decides to still try to turn left anyway, which in most cases happens without use of turn signals. This could prove to be quite the fender-bender, however, I came prepared.
Yes, I fire a shell at the Beretta and upon impact, the fireball expands like a Boy Scout’s butthole at Neverland Ranch, sending the assbag the way of Dale Earnhardt, Lynard Skynrd, and Formula One Racing in America. The street department eventually comes along and cleans the remains off the road and someone finally makes me that goddamned steak, ultimately making the world a better place.