The Best Holiday I Ever Missed.
For the first time in history, I feel that my once undeniable and enviable manliness can seriously be called into question. I know, it must be disappointing to the reader to know that a man's man such as I could ever falter, kind of like watching your dad get his ass beat, but it happened.
Today started out just like any other day, I woke up and went downstairs with the intention of killing and grilling my own breakfast when I looked at the calendar and saw that today was March 14th.
March 14th... what is so significant about March 14th?
Well, March 14th was the day that Eli Whitney recieved his patent on the cotton gin, an invention responsible for the highest minority employment rate in history. That was pretty sweet, but not what I was looking for.
March 14th is that douche-stain Billy Crystal's birthday... but I hate Billy Crystal.
Here's a little known fact: Last year, I made an entry about all the different ways I would like to murder Billy Crystal, but LiveJournal wouldn't let me post it because they said putting that much awesome in one entry had never been done and should be reserved for an internet host whose primary clients aren't whiney high-school girls.
Well, nevertheless, I couldn't figure out why today was so damn important. Skip ahead a few hours until about 20 minutes ago, the point when it dawned on me that today was only the best damn holiday ever.
Yes, today was Steak and a Blowjob Day: the Man's Valentine's Day.
I don't really know how much more to explain it, Steak and a BJ Day is the most straight-forward name for anything ever made, even more self-explanitory than the movie title, 'Snakes on a Plane'.
It's the one day of the year when women are obligated (only because they can't legally be forced anymore, damn Democrats) to repay their men for 365 days of the following bullshit: opening the doors, paying for everything, biting their lips with truthful responses to ultimately damning questions, putting the toilet seat down, wearing clean underwear, putting up with their friends and parents, fixing everything, sitting outside of department store dressing rooms bored enough to consider suicide, and countless other bullshit that can't be excused despite the fact that we can hold high-public office, not suffer through thirty-years of a menstrual cycle, and make more money for doing the same jobs.
I can guarantee that countless women out there think that the concept of Steak and a Blowjob Day is sexist and crude. After coping with the initial shock that comes with women actually agreeing on something that hasn't been on either Oprah or The View, I would like to point out that men have been sacrificing their dignity on Valentine's Day for decades and it is the least you can do for us.
Or... here's a hint, ladies... why don't you call Valentine's Day something else to make it appeal to your men? Something horrible, something so degrading that it's appealing... something along the lines of Chocolate and Muff Diving Day.
Hell, if you really want your man to look forward to the holiday, get him a Pussy Snorkel.
I have spoken.
Unfortunately, my better half was smart enough to hang out with me before I realized what today was... not that it would've mattered had I known.
/didn't get steak
//didn't get a BJ
///feels like a Jew at Christmas