The smoking ordinance in a nutshell.
I’m going to try something new, instead of droning on about something random for a few paragraphs and building your sense of suspense to see what in the hell I’m going to be bitching about this time around, like I normally do, I’m just going to come out and say it now:
SMOKING ORDINANCES ARE FOR PUSSIES.
I’m sick and tired about hearing about this goddamn smoking ordinance. I can’t open a newspaper without reading front page articles or letters to the editor about this steaming heap of political rhino shit, it always seems to come up in open discussions in my college classes, and it really hit a new low when I was lighting a cigarette in my car while I was still at a gas station and some middle-aged cum-guzzling hussie told me I would get in trouble for that. Yes, some old hag advocating the new ‘no-smoking in public’ bill, otherwise known as a pussy, told me not to smoke in public because I might receive a ticket, which in truth, would punish me for violating an ordinance which is only a rule on city owned property.
Now, I’m mature enough to not be completely biased and automatically ridicule the people who disagree with my opinion... /sarcasm ... but for the sake of fairness, I’ll lay down a brief description of both sides of this oh-so-crucial issue and will even be thorough enough to include pictures since most people who read this have a difficult time understanding good grammar. After all, someone will probably message me online and say something to the effect of ‘your full of shit.’
Nevertheless, let’s meet the fighters...
We’ll begin with a picture of an actor portraying a smoke-is-bad dipshit...
Here we have the typical person who spends time advocating the smoke-free ordinance. They can usually be seen whining about things that are completely irrelevant to society, such as this smoking ordinance, instead of focusing their energy on something useful, like making me that steak I wanted a few entries back. Now on to the key, in where I will show you how you can identify such a cock-mongrel if you just so happen to think you see one...
1. Note the Kleenex tissue in their hand, this is normally a sign of crying over anything that seems to disagree with them. They see someone smoking, they cry. They see someone smack a dog on the nose with a newspaper, they cry (not because they’re hurting the dog, but because the dog might bleed on that day’s font page article about the ordinance). They see someone breaking a $20 in the collection plate at church, they cry. You know, typical crybaby bullshit.
2. They usually have an agenda of sorts, and by agenda, I mean partaking in a cause that they know nothing about but still act like to have an opinion in order to convey the image that they are not a tool. Basically, it’s simply them denying that they’re really not just sheep. As you can see in the visual aid above, other notable trendy causes have been denouncing the eating of meat and supporting the presidential candidacy of John Kerry... but let’s face it, vegans and politics are so 2004.
3. Spare Kleenex... just in case they’re in public and see me eating a steak while smoking a cigarette and wearing my “John Kerry sucks dicks with his ass” t-shirt.
4. Last but not least, we have the individual wearing their religion on their sleeve and using it as undisputable evidence that they are right and you are wrong. I have no problem with religion or anyone who supports it, but when people try to say that smoking is a sin, which some have, and try to force it on people who don’t have to use religion as a mental crutch, that’s what I see as crossing the line.
Thankfully, though, the more common base of trying to ban smoking is that they’re doing it for the children... yes, the same people who constantly pass budget cuts for the public schools, including not funding new books and supplies, not renewing the contracts of experienced teachers in favor of cheap, fresh-out-of-college teachers, and continuing to make the younger children eat flavored preservatives five days a week as their school lunches are hoping to make all that up to our children by banning smoking in public.
Glorious, praise the lord.
And in the other corner, we have the person with better things to do than get some cigarette ash in their vaginas and complain about ‘needing’ a no-smoking ordinance. Yes, for once in my life, I will openly admit that because of things like no-smoking ordinances, NASCAR IS NOT the most worthless thing in existence.
Featured below is a lovely picture of this specimen in their natural habitat…
1. The anti-smoking ordinance individual can usually be seen sporting their smoke of choice in their mouth, which usually serves as an obvious ‘fuck you’ to the fascist pussies trying to prohibit them
2. Sort of like what tabs and badges are for the military and trophies are for athletes, the smoker can usually be seen sporting free promotional clothing, which in this case is a fleece pullover, they received after mailing in a certain number of proofs of purchase for their smoke of choice.
3. In most cases, the smoker is also a frequent consumer of alcoholic beverages, featured above is a 40 of Mickey’s, which is also a drink of choice of hard-asses everywhere.
4. Like the fleece pullover, the hat is also another article of clothing the smokers can receive after sending in a certain number of proofs of purchase. Also note that the hat featured above is a Team Penske hat, which is sponsored by Marlboro is several professional racing series.
5. Using the concept of the spare tire in automobiles, most smokers usually sport a spare cigarette behind one of their ears. There’s no logical reason for this, it would be just as easy to keep them in the pack. On a side note, this technique can only be found in small redneck towns, such as the one we live in.
6. Like the hat and fleece pullover, the smoker is also sporting a waterproof wind-breaker jacket which he received for being a smoking veteran. This is also a sign of an experienced black-lung, he realizes that pro-ordinance asshats tend to cry excessively at the sight of smoke… tears are water, which could make him wet, and he’s prepared for it.
7. Last but not least, he always carries a deck of cards on him, like the Budweiser cards featured above. Smokers are fun-loving people, and you never know when a spirited game of poker or euchre can pop up when you get them together.
To reemphasize an old point, this whole thing is nothing but a steaming heap of bullshit, just like that whole Ten Commandments thing a couple years back... no one really gives two shits either way, they just bandwagon to have something to stand for. I personally hope for the sake of everyone in town our city council just scraps this whole thing and tries to do something useful for once… I mean, after all, gas prices suck, we’re losing jobs, and this town still needs a Target.