Just kidding, I don't give a shit about MTV.
For the tons of you who don't know this and the even more who don't give a shit, my 20th birthday is next Wednesday (June 8th), where I will be celebrating (most likely while doing homework) two decades of being arrested for everything from trespassing to trying to get into my own house and having more LiveJournals cancelled than dinner plans for the Olsen twins.
I was planning on having an epic birthday bash which would've featured a March Madness of beer-pong, however, with Dave Matthews and the Strawberry Festival, it would've made it hard to get in on the weekend, leaving only Thursday night as the only working day for me to throw anything next week... then I heard the news, the goddamn MTV Movie Awards are that night.
Now, while I could go on about how MTV sucks and their award shows have been doing the exact same thing for years and people shouldn't waste their time on it, I would be a hipocrit seeing as how I bet that if I looked, I could find every copy of the never-evolving Madden NFL Football series released since 1993 in this house. The only thing keeping me from contradicting myself is the simple truth that I am, in fact, always right about everything.
So now, let's review... MTV sucks and should never be watched, however, I encourage spending $50 annually to keep your Madden collection up to date.
I will admit that as much as I hate MTV and everything on MTV, I'm actually starting to develop what could slightly resemble an interest in some of the categories and nominees in this years Movie Awards, most notably, Best Actress. While I fully expect Hilary Swank ('Million Dollar Baby'), Uma Thurman ('Kill Bill Vol. 2'), or even the big red heap of tits and freckles known as Lindsay Lohan ('Mean Girls') to walk away with this award, my personal vote has to go to none other than Paris Hilton.
Vote or Die? She forgot to vote... therefore, she must die.
Yes, Paris Hilton. I've actually heard good reviews for her newer film, 'House of Wax', including hearing she is supposedly inpaled with a railroad spike. If you haven't seen 'House of Wax' and don't want me to ruin the end for you, then don't read that last sentence.
Despite 'Wax,' basing my reason for voting for her on another film of hers where something else long and hard penetrates her, a film I've actually taken the time to watch, the 2004 romantic-comedy 'One Night in Paris'.
I can imagine a lot of you just think I'm being a smartass and making a joke of MTV and Paris Hilton, but come on, they've been making jokes of themselves for years and they don't really need my help. I seriously think that if Hilton were a nominee for the award, she'd actually be able to pull off winning the award. No joke. Aside from every other actress sucking the scruffy part of Chewbacca's ass this year, Paris did some things that impressed me.
1. She convincingly played opposite of a complete weirdo.
Meet Rick Solomon, ex-husband of 90210's Shannen Doherty and playing the lead role of Rick, Paris' love interest in the movie 'One Night in Paris'. Rather they just flirt, exchange the random kiss, or if he pounds her vagina until it looks like roast-beef, he's no Brad Pitt, but Paris still took it like a champ. Rick just looks like the kind of guy who cruises around in an Astro-van and attempts to lure young children in with promises of candy and over-the-counter drugs, and Paris adjusted to him and still put on one hell of an effort.
2. 'One Night' was filmed in a Days Inn on the south-side of Baghdad.
If you can't tell them apart, then why should I?
3. She does her own stunts.
This one is the most important. Rather it be deepthroating a man-sausage or taking a swift roundhouse kick to the face, Paris refused to have a stunt-double, opting to take her own punishment for the sake of art. I personally think it says a lot when a performer can put their own body on the line instead of hiring some random cock-tart stand-in to take their hits for them, and I don't think Miss Hilton should be any different. In fact, if you watch the bonus features on the DVD, you can actually see some of the bloopers, including where she slips and Rick bismarks her, giving her a permanent lazy eye.
Now I can guarantee a lot of people who are reading this are like "but kyle, wtf do u care about paris hilton?!? lmao its ur 1st post n forevar and u want 2 talk bout that?!? lol"
Well, turdburglars, I'm going to answer both questions with one announcement. I'm currently working with the people at Miramax to write the script for a new movie. I've been too busy with that to update or create a new journal, until now. This movie is really a revolutionary film, taking two entirely different movie franchises and combining them into one 'super duper on more steroids than Barry Bonds' franchise... kind of like pulling an Audioslave, Velvet Revolver, or Alter Bridge... only with movies.
So to my faithful fans... allow me to present the poster for our first movie, due to start filming in July...
