-10 faith in humanity points.
I really like to think of myself as a pretty calm guy, where nothing can get me in a bad mood, leaving me to be my usually happy-self... most of the time. I know I can have a pretty nasty temper and have a very short fuse with some things... not sure what they are?... well, tools, I'll tell you.
1. People that use an instant messenger, but can't use the right forms of 'their' and 'your'
Problem
Oh dear God.
Sadly enough, there are times where I'm used to this... but sometimes it just pisses me off. It's really devastating to my confidence in my own grammar ability to know that I went to high school or college with people who honestly say things like 'there going to class' or 'your the guy from that party.'
Solution
Like when it comes to operating motor vehicles or owning handguns, anyone who wishes to have any instant messenging screennames must have a license.
Yes, a license, which can only be obtained by passing a SAT-form English assessment. Like with automobiles and handguns, if the terms of your license are, in any way, violated, there will be stiff consequences.
First offense: hand cut off.
Second offense: other hand cut off.
Third offense: full frontal lobotomy, you will have spatulas then attached to each of your nubs, and you will spend the rest of your life making steaks for the people who can actually speak proper English.
It's only fair.
2. People in slow vehicles whom feel like cutting me off in traffic.
Problem
As everyone knows, I spend my too much of my time driving between Crawfordsville and Lafayette, which means I have more than my fair share of opportunities to encounter clueless drivers.
Nothing pisses me off more when I'm hauling ass trying to make it to class and Little Johnny NoTeeth in his piece of shit rust bucket cuts me off and goes at least 15 miles per hour below the speed limit.
Solution
Like in my 'One Way Streets' post, I will use county tax dollars to assemble my own version of the new Batmobile... you cut me off, you'll be a crater in the street.
Not sure people would want their tax dollars going to this?
Well, let's compare... people could either spend their money making me my tank or they could let the city council have it and get even more unneccisary medians where they aren't needed in town. It's sad when actually getting to a gas station can be a pain in this town because of those damn things.
And last, but not least...
This one is my favorite...
3. Women.
Problem
Even though I have this reputation that proceeds me of being some sort of heartless, manipulative asshole when it comes to girls... I'm really not. Not by a long shot. Truth be told, I'm a complete sucker for girls... don't believe me?... well either way, being manipulative requires effort, and I'm one of the laziest people in the history of this town. So, in all actuality, you're really just contradicting yourself by assuming I'd feel like taking the time just to manipulate and take advantage of someone.
To be honest, when I actually start to like a girl, I'll bend until I break trying to give that girl everything I've got... just to have it bounce back in my face... doesn't matter if it's been four weeks or four years /reference to someone imparticular... I always end up getting fucked in the end, even though I'm doing everything asked of me to make it work.
Solution
Actually, I'm a big fan of the way Chinese government is taking care of the problem of there being too many bitches... allow couples to only have one child, giving benefits to couples that have boys. The best thing about it is it's irony... the girls didn't do anything wrong, yet, they're being thrown out for someone who will actually benefit the ones who threw them out in their present situation.
Story of my love life...
Only, I'm going to raise the ante on this one...
From birth, all women will be taken and put into concentration camps, very much like the ones we kept Japanese-Americans in during WWII or the old Indian Reservations. While in these camps, women will take classes and learn useful things, like how blaming their frequent bouts with stupidity or ignorance on stress or their periods are not good excuses for being bitches to the ones who are just trying to be there for them.
While in these camps, women will work full-time jobs either processing beef for steaks, brewing beer, rolling cigarettes, or working the presses that make PS2 games. The only way parole will ever be granted is when a man decides to marry one...
How will he meet her and the other women to make up his mind, you ask?
Weekly ice cream socials.
Well, that's it. I'm pretty sure being one of those things would be enough to push me over the edge...
Or...
Better yet... go for all three, ladies... cut me off in traffic, then come home, get online, and say something like 'I cut you off out their'.
The way this day is going... I might just go out of my way and actually kill you.