In my meetings, I believe they call this Step #1.
I picture myself standing a room late one evening, my back against a chalkboard wall of an elementary school classroom facing a half-circle of high-school emo-shits and old computer junkies still trying to be trendy, when I finally have to say the sentence that has been repeating itsself in my head for some time now, 'I am a MySpace addict.'
I can't quite put my finger on why I mess with it all the time, to be honest. MySpace is nothing really but an over-glorified Expange site where people can put up worthless blogs, cliched pictures of themselves they took in their bathroom mirror, and waste internet bandwidth that could've been used on porn. In all actuality, MySpace is really just 2005's answer to 2003's LiveJournal: for every person that is actually interesting enough to have one, there are at least 45,000 tools that have one and just shouldn't.
I'm not going to completely run MySpace into the ground, though. I'll admit, I'm a honest fan of a program where I can sucker hot girls into thinking I'm a nice guy, tell emo people to kill themselves, and occasionally stumble across a talented local band (keyword: occasionally) all from the comfort of my own chair.
However, there is one thing about MySpace that pisses me off like no other: the chain letter.
I hate chain letters. I hate chain letters more than I hate anyone who asked me to donate money to hurricane victims. I hate chain letters more than I hate road construction downtown. I hate chain letters more than I hate paying almost $3.00 for a gallon of gas. I hate chain letters.
Chain letters are God's way of just reminding people of what sheep they are. Honestly, it's the same thing over and over again. Someone gets a chain letter, reads the chain letter and takes it seriously enough to forward to me. I see the message headline, and I'm left feeling like an Alzheimer's patient; as if I had never seen this before, so I open and read it, only to be left pissed off and disgusted by the overall lack of intelligence of the person who sent it to me.
It's always the same kind of chain letter, too. That's what makes it even worse than it has to be. It's always about Jesus, the hurricanes, someone's dreamguy, or how they're gonna shut down the service on which you're getting the message. It's almost like whoever typed this said 'Well, I'm starting to think people are smart, guess I better prove myself wrong!' as they clicked send.
Although, I admit I like seeing the occasional person be a retard for the sake of boosting my confidence in my own intelligence, chain letters about monsters are just so far beyond retarded I can't even think of something witty to say about it. It's like the people that always tried talking you into saying 'Bloody Mary' into the mirror three times when we were growing up, there's just no saving them. It's like the 3rd grade class turtle could shit out something smarter than these people.
Apparently they've upgraded to saying shit like that online, sending me messages like 'If you don't forward this message by (irrelevant time), the ghost of (irrelevant asshat) or (random monster) will come out from under your bed with red eyes and kill you in your sleep.'
Now, here's the chain letter monster with an urgent news bulletin!
But wait, kids, it gets worse!
Just like with Yahoo!, AIM, ICQ, MSN and countless e-mail services I've used in the past, MySpace douches have started sending the chain letters saying that due to low bandwidth, the hosts are going to have to start deleting accounts to make room for all the news ones that are being created by people a little late on this trend.
If I got a nickel for every one of these messages I've gotten on MySpace, I think I'd have enough money to buy the bullshit detector I've wanted since I got my first chain letter.
Don't think you've lost enough faith in humanity yet?
Well keep reading, fucko!
Here's my personal favorite kind of chain letter, so naturally, I saved the best for last. This form of chain letter just goes to prove what has taken me twenty years of my life to discover on my own: that all women are full of shit. Not a day goes by where I don't get a chain letter from a girl saying that she wants a sweet guy to hold her, to make her laugh, to kiss her, to love her, and to basically be a pussy doormat.
They all say the same damn thing: that every girl wants a guy that would both playfight and cuddle, hold her waist, look into her eyes and tell her she's beautiful, hug her from behind, not only kiss her lips but also her cheek and forehead, be a good guy that can make her laugh and be serious, that could play guitar and be someone she could take home to her parents... if this bullshit were fact, then I would be God's gift to women... and as we all know, that just isn't true.
I don't know... maybe I'm just looking at it the wrong way. Maybe it's not that girls are lying about all of that, maybe it's just that they're too blind to see this 'dream guy' when he sends them messages telling them to knock it off with the chain letter bullshit.
... or maybe just most women are too stupid to know either way.
Either way, next time you're checking your e-mail or MySpace or you get a chain letter on instant messenger, don't forward it. For the love of Christ, just delete it.
You know what it means if you actually forward it?
