When domo-kuns attack...
A long time ago... in a galaxy far, far away...
Well, alright, I've got a couple of minutes before George Lucas' lawyers call me for copyright violation, so I'm going to take the time to tell you all a story, an incredible tale on the times and travels of the very first Domo-kuns to come to America.
Domo-kuns are M4d 1337!!1!oneone
For those of you that don't know, Domo-kuns are little monsters from Japanese short films that hatch from eggs, fart a lot, and hate kittens. Their hatred of kittens is what won me over, personally. While they aren't very popular in America, around 90% of Japanese school children can instantly recognize a domo-kun... which ranks them somewhere between Godzilla and Jesus.
Nevertheless, after feeling their popularity had climaxed in Japan, several domo-kuns decided to do what any other foreign person is always dreaming of... going to America, not speaking English, and stealing as many jobs as possible. In late 1997, the first domo-kuns arrived in the states, with the next few years going by really slowly for them. The only really noticable film or television role one of them won before the new millenium was when a domo-kun landed the lead in 1998's remake of 'Frosty the Snowman'.
It wasn't until late 2000 until that the domo-kuns finally got some recognition when two were featured in a now infamous public service announcement against masturbation.
After the ad was released, domo-kuns were everywhere. They were on TV, on the radio, on the internet... by God, domo-kuns were even in my e-mail chain letters... no one could look over their own shoulder without seeing one of those little bastards... they were just like Limp Bizkit, only not as ugly. Just like with anything else that's been horribly over-exposed, the public began to dispise and reject the domo-kuns in early 2001.
Though it just started out as a simple parody of the ad that brought the domo-kuns fame...
... the situation quickly escalated. People began to boycott the domo-kuns, create several anti-domokun sites, and do whatever they could to get them to peacefully go back to Japan. By mid-year, many extremists concluded that the domo-kuns would not simply return to their homeland, leading them to begin hunting the domo-kuns...
... and using them to make cell phone covers.
Soon after, the few surviving domo-kuns retreated to their homeland. While the majority of them just went and got jobs in sweatshops, several of the domo-kuns decided to retaliate against America. In just under two months, with some help from several Islam nations in the middle-east, the domo-kun renegades had an army they believed capable of attacking the U.S. by the end of August, 2001.
At the beginning of September, the domo-kun terrorists decided to invade America, however, the majority of their attacks went unnoticed. It wasn't until the second Tuesday of the month that they finally got the States' attention...
Made from 100% recycled footage.
... and invaded the northeastern part of the country, making most people in the New England region their bitches.
All Americans were terrified. The police forces and armed services were stunned, the CIA and FBI were clueless, and the President even had to cut his vacation short. After completely running out of ways to determine why the domo-kuns would attack, the President's cabinet just decided to take the easy way out and blame someone else for the attacks.
With the help of several psychic hotlines and an Ouija board, the Repulicans spelled out the words Al-Qaeda and decided to blame the attacks on a Afghani soccer team, also known as Al-Qaeda, led by head coach/computer programmer Osama bin Laden.
Bin Laden's Most Famous Computer Game
After the attacks, instead of asking themselves what they did to make these smelly, little brown people want to attack them, the Americans blindly retaliated, costing billion of dollars and thousands of lives in a conflict that still lasts until this very day. We're at war with Iraq, the economy is in the tank, and George Bush is president... 1991, anybody?
However, after the intitial shock and terror of the attacks, many Americans began to realize not all domo-kuns are bad people. In fact, when you get to know them without thinking about how short, smelly, and brown they are, you'll see how much like us they really can be...
