A catalogue of contrivances
I imagine that this has been done already, but moo to that. My attempt is better. So nuuur. It's got to beat that "What, all noblemen?" rubbish, anyway.
(The police have just used an incredibly cunning piece of logical thinking to convince the pirates to yield).
GEN: Away with them, and place them at the bar!
RUTH: One moment! Let me tell you who they are.
They are no members of the common throng;
They are all noblemen who have gone wrong!
A many years ago,
When I was young and charming,
As some of you may know,
I practised baby-farming.
Two tender babes I nussed:
One, a pirate (scary ‘un)
The other, upper crust,
In fact, ‘twas Prince Hilarion!
Oh bitter is my cup!
However could I do it?
I mixed those children up,
And not a creature knew it!
Ruth removes the Pirate King’s three-cornered crown. Enter Hilarion. Ruth crowns him.
ALL: Is this indeed the King?
Oh wondrous revelation!
Oh, unexpected thing!
Unlooked-for situation!
HIL: Then I am… a Pirate King?
ALL: He is! Hurrah for the Pirate King!
HIL: And it is a most Gilbertian thing to be a Pirate King!
Enter Ida.
IDA: Oh, Hilarion! Hilarion! I’m shocked - surprised - horrified!
HIL: I can’t help it. I’m not a free agent. I do it on compulsion - anyway - I’ve married you now - that is, he’s married you (turning to former pirate king) I say, which of us has married her?
KING: Oh, I’VE married her - meself.
HIL: Crushed again!
RUTH: Cheer up! I am still here. I have never left you, and I never shall!
HIL: Thank you, Ruth. After all, there’s no denying it, you’re a fine figure of a woman!
GEN (Who was getting ready to grab Ruth’s cutlass and seduce her with his teddy bear): Oh, thoughtless crew!
Ye know not what ye do!
Attend to me, and shed a tear or two-
For (Sadly, slowly) I am the very model of a modern major general….
SAM: Oh… go to hell!
GEN: So be it! I submit! My fate is sealed.
To popular opinion, thus I yield!
Be happy all - leave me to my despair-
I go - it matters not with whom - or where!
General sinks through trap, amid red fire.
ALL: Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
The lights dim. The general’s ancestors (by purchase) climb out of their tombs.
GHOST 1: Stop a bit - we’ve just come up with an incredibly cunning idea for why none of us should ever have died at all!
FRED: It’s a bit late for that now. Your descendent by purchase has just yielded up his life to Ahrimanes.
Enter General.
GEN: His descendent by purchase is not slain! It’s like this: when Samuel says, “Go to hell”, a general is told off to go to hell. Consequently, that general is as good as dead - practically, he is dead - and if he is dead, why not say so?
FRED: But you’re still a LEGAL ghoest.
SERG: Allow me, as a policeman, to make a suggestion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the emergency. The thing is really quite simple - the insertion of a single word will do it. Let it stand that he’s NOT still a legal ghoest, and there you are, out of your difficulty at once!
FRED: Then away we go to Fairyland.
They all exit, singing different songs that begin with “For…”.
(The police have just used an incredibly cunning piece of logical thinking to convince the pirates to yield).
GEN: Away with them, and place them at the bar!
RUTH: One moment! Let me tell you who they are.
They are no members of the common throng;
They are all noblemen who have gone wrong!
A many years ago,
When I was young and charming,
As some of you may know,
I practised baby-farming.
Two tender babes I nussed:
One, a pirate (scary ‘un)
The other, upper crust,
In fact, ‘twas Prince Hilarion!
Oh bitter is my cup!
However could I do it?
I mixed those children up,
And not a creature knew it!
Ruth removes the Pirate King’s three-cornered crown. Enter Hilarion. Ruth crowns him.
ALL: Is this indeed the King?
Oh wondrous revelation!
Oh, unexpected thing!
Unlooked-for situation!
HIL: Then I am… a Pirate King?
ALL: He is! Hurrah for the Pirate King!
HIL: And it is a most Gilbertian thing to be a Pirate King!
Enter Ida.
IDA: Oh, Hilarion! Hilarion! I’m shocked - surprised - horrified!
HIL: I can’t help it. I’m not a free agent. I do it on compulsion - anyway - I’ve married you now - that is, he’s married you (turning to former pirate king) I say, which of us has married her?
KING: Oh, I’VE married her - meself.
HIL: Crushed again!
RUTH: Cheer up! I am still here. I have never left you, and I never shall!
HIL: Thank you, Ruth. After all, there’s no denying it, you’re a fine figure of a woman!
GEN (Who was getting ready to grab Ruth’s cutlass and seduce her with his teddy bear): Oh, thoughtless crew!
Ye know not what ye do!
Attend to me, and shed a tear or two-
For (Sadly, slowly) I am the very model of a modern major general….
SAM: Oh… go to hell!
GEN: So be it! I submit! My fate is sealed.
To popular opinion, thus I yield!
Be happy all - leave me to my despair-
I go - it matters not with whom - or where!
General sinks through trap, amid red fire.
ALL: Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
The lights dim. The general’s ancestors (by purchase) climb out of their tombs.
GHOST 1: Stop a bit - we’ve just come up with an incredibly cunning idea for why none of us should ever have died at all!
FRED: It’s a bit late for that now. Your descendent by purchase has just yielded up his life to Ahrimanes.
Enter General.
GEN: His descendent by purchase is not slain! It’s like this: when Samuel says, “Go to hell”, a general is told off to go to hell. Consequently, that general is as good as dead - practically, he is dead - and if he is dead, why not say so?
FRED: But you’re still a LEGAL ghoest.
SERG: Allow me, as a policeman, to make a suggestion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the emergency. The thing is really quite simple - the insertion of a single word will do it. Let it stand that he’s NOT still a legal ghoest, and there you are, out of your difficulty at once!
FRED: Then away we go to Fairyland.
They all exit, singing different songs that begin with “For…”.