I reconnected with a guy 20 years later in the name of art - now Im confused
Hi
I Have had a very rocky life and I am so torn on this... please indulge me.
21 years ago in Fall 1993 I met a guy - "Derek" at a party in my then home area of the SF Bay Area. We connected IMMEDIATLY - he was 22 and I was 25. I had the ambition to be an animator and artist and was starting to go to school for it at SF Academy of Art. I had paid my tuition - non refundable. But for the next year and a half we were inseperable and constantly came up with ideas together of stories and projects we wanted to do. He was from a small PA town who loved CA and moved out here. He wasn't very "worldly" and wanted to see very movie, every band, everything interesting.I told him (in the words of Dali) that I would be his "tour guide to the world"
I had already been engaged (broke it off) and knew a lot of people and a lot of fun things to do. I took him to everything from poetry slams to pagan festivals to performance art and he absorbed it all like a sponge. He lost his virginity to me - posed for my art and we collaberated on a film which won an award at Apple (out of over 200 applicants) as well as telling me he could see us together forever living in a bungalow by the S. Cali sea - me working at Disney and he working as a fabricator on classic cars. I drove a beautiful 67 Mustang and that was our ride. He is PASSIONATE about cars especially from the 60s. (This wasn't so far fetched - I was already getting interest from studios and I had such jobs as working as an assistant to Farrah Fawcett - he was already getting experience as a talented fabricator - something he had started doing at automotive tech school in PA)
Well Anyway life sure was fun and I loved him so much. He was very good looking too - Im calling him Derek because the famous person I think he looks the most like is Derek Hough. I think I wasn't so hard on the eyes in my body at least - before I met him I had done work as a Weider fitness model. Im 6 feet tall. I want to mention here that we started writing short stories about a fictional couple who lived in an "art colony" and we would write it and I would illustrate it. I designed the comic versions of us and started a short animated film with them - set to a song called "car phone"
Derek was starting to pressure me to get married as 1995 came around and spring happened. I loved him and WANTED to but I wanted to finish school and I wanted to live in San Francisco. School was VERY important to me as well as I had a burning desire to live in that city.
Derek informed me he hated it there - it was "dirty" and he didn't like the people as much as "LA People" - SF people were "too weird" I started to see a few flaws in him - mainly that he seemed very materialistic. The beginning of the end was that when Porsche came out with the Boxster Derek wanted one BADLY - and he said I should give him some of my student loan money as a down payment.
I told him - no that's not gonna happen - (and Im not rich) I was working TWO part time jobs as well as going to the academy full time and by now I had rented a place in SF. Derek was still back in Sunnyvale and someone was interested in him. A 17 years older then him woman (who was kind of a dumpy type - think actress Margo Martindale) had started calling him all the time -she was related to a friend in our circle. She came from construction money in San Diego and to make a long story short she bought Derek his Porsche and he married her and moved into a nice house owned by her family in La Jolla. I will always remember his call telling me "well I guess Im gonna go ahead and marry Margo" in a flat unenthusiastic voice.
Now perhaps you are now thinking well she wasn't a raving beauty but is that so bad - no of course its not - but she had to call ME and tell me 1. I would never be Mrs. derek 2. I wasn't good enough for him and 3. I might as well jump off a bridge onto freeway traffic becaue I WILL DIE!. She also told me she would make sure I NEVER was able to have contact with him ever. She did other things before that were plain nasty (I had seen her briefly before at times) but this is getting long. (And it will get longer)
So I threw myself into school and attempted to forget Derek. I finished the film and it did well and was shown at the Mill Valley film festival and people liked it. dereks and My project about the couple was raved about by Pete Doctor of Pixar (director later of Wall-E) and other influental people. But it was taking a mental toll on me to do stuff that was all Derek all the time. Fox animation was interested in series and my teachers said I should persue this but I did not. I was in anguish.
I started seeing a guy who had been in a semi famous punk band and he got us a cool Victorian in Oakland by Lake Merritt. He also introduced me to heroin and by mid 1997 I had a raging habit. I stopped caring about my art. I liked something that made me forget so well. To skim over this part I got off it and on methadone in April 2000 and made another film at De Anza College by my moms home. I broke up with band guy and moved to Sacramento with my best female friend who had 2 daughters. I tutored them and tried again to start a new life.
I caught her shooting up heroin one day when the kids were in the next room She suffered from depression and I was horrified. No I wasn't on it anymore but I got a souvenior - Hep C.
She was stupidly fascinated by it and despite my pleading kept going into North Sac to score.
I took the 67 Mustang to a classic car shop to have an electrical problem worked on and the 17 years older owner really fell for me. (same years as Margo/Derek I kid you not) He asked me if I would marry him and would I like to get out of California for a while? I said yes. We moved to Salina Kansas where he had gone to automotive tech school. I realized I didn't love him and kept putting off marriage. He realized I didnt want to - we then moved to Las Vegas for a year and then Denver for NINE YEARS.
I did not draw - I did not do art. I did not care about it. I threw EVERYTHING in a storage unit and forgot about it. I DID try to be a good partner to mr mechanic but we were VERY different. He had a temper and was into BDSM and I wasn't. A lot of things were not good.
in October 2004 Derek found me and called me. He said he missed me he said he and Margo were having marriage troubles and they had "2 Russian girls living with them and they were total brats and he could not handle them" he said a lot of things - basically he missed me - I Missed him too and he sent me several photos. the calls only went on for a month and I didn't persue this.
OK forward to January 2013. We have to leave Denver the house is being sold (we rented)
I go to the storage unit and pull out TONS of old work - storyboards, scripts, art, 2 films - just a lot of stuff. I sit down on my bed. It is like Pandoras box. I think about Derek.
I look for him on the internet. I find him. I call him. He is VERY happy to hear from me.
I am ELATED to her his voice. He tells me hes going to send me a link I need to click on.
It is a TV show. about him and Margo. A famous host interviews(not Oprah). they ended up adopting THREE Ukraine orphans (margo was too old to have kids even though I learn from the show that a fortune was spent on fertility treatments) The older girl and youngest (a boy) are a LOT of trouble, very violent. The boy is SEVERLY autistic. He tried to kill Derek by stabbing him. He has attacked him many times. Oldest girl throws violent tantrums too. In La Jolla she pushed a neighbors kid off the roof. They had to leave the state - a neighborhood petition kicked them out. Lost a HUGE amount of money. They tried to sue got nowhere. Margo wanted kids that were a "racial match" to Derek - her exact wording. Short story they are struggling. Derek has thought about suicide. Im HORRIFIED.
So begins a hUGE move to Arizona during which Derek and I are now in constant contact. He is disappointed Im not moving to Cali. He wants me to (oh the family had gone back there in august of 2012) - and I miss it so bad. Texting and phone calls all the time. Sexy talk,- selfies - talking about things we like. Derek is so happy now he says. He says he loves that Margo is gone all week on a job so he doesn't have to see her. Oldest girl is living with Ukraine people in Florida - he has the younger two kids. He works out of his house in a "form filling out job" he despises. He says its long hours six days a week. I ask about state of marrage. They just "live under the same roof" Derek on facebook does not list a marital status - on his Youtube page does not wear a ring. He films his car for me and waves his fingers in front of the camera. But I still live with mr mechanic. And he doesn't want me to leave him. I want to add here that in 12 years mr mechanic has been very abusive and violent and we always struggle for money. We have had the police get involved in our life.
So in last week of august 2013 Derek calls me crying (message at 5 AM) He needs to talk.
He is VERY depressed. Hates his job hates the kids hates Margo hates his life. Says if it wasnt for his dog and his car he would not want to live. He says he made so many mistakes hes now in his mid 40s. I tell him what I want to do with my projects - how I cant promise anything but I had more success then the average student with the stuff WE wrote. I want to relaunch my web comic and my web animations and I want to collaborate with him. He is so thrilled he says - it would give him hope he has not felt since 2001. (his B day is 9/11)
he says he remembers it so well as that was the last time he felt satisfied with his life.
mr mechanic suddenly kicks open the door (I live in a storage room in a transmission shop)
Mr mechanic starts screaming and threatening Derek. derek (who had told me he has PTSD) starts freaking out! Who is that who is that! I try to calm him down theres all this yelling and screaming from Mr threatening to break his legs. derek says he will call me later. he does later in the afternoon. We talk briefly I apologize and make him promise to keep in touch - He says he will. I hear nothing from him ever again.
Today is 9/12/14. In 2013 on 9/11 I called derek on his birthday - got his answering machine
I left a message and he did not call. I texted twice in the year - I kept thinking he would call me - nothing. I didnt text much as I feel his situation with the adopted kids is drastic and Im sure hes often busy.
On 7/12/14 I move into a house alone here in the high desert over Prescott - I leave mr. mechanic. In my first week I text derek that I am in a place alone - still nothing. Before this I lived for one year and 3 months in a storage room unable to get to my things and my art.
In the past two months I FINALY started many projects and produced some comics, a short animation and a scene from the apple film of 1994 showing young Derek made into a gif. I cannot WAIT to email them to him on his birthday - heres what I promised! I send off the emails - nothing! I send a text and say (basically) Just tell me what I did or is it something else. I just have to know! That's all....
In closing maybe derek sounds shallow but he is a good person. He got married when he was 23.
I have no kids he and I are 44 and 47 now. I miss him so much. He sure seemed to miss me. I know you will tell me I live in the past - Ive TRIED to forget. Its been 20 years. If I could be mind wiped of him I probably would. I know I will still more to Southern Cali. Its my home. I'm still gonna put everything I have into resurrecting my art. Its what I live for. At least I will learn a lot of software and have a reel for it. I know I'm talented.
Do you think Derek will ever call?. What do you think I should do? PLEASE BE COMPASSIONATE in your responses - I am a nice person. Thank You The Sea Serpent
PS I made my first comment on Dereks youtube channel about his car and he replyed to me on email just one sentence but I came home and almost fell out of my chair as I had heard nothing in a year. So he knows im still here and he is not dead. Oh and he dislikes facebook his page has not been updated in over 3 years - he told me he only put it up to show his family the Ukraine kids and also to put up pix of his car, Ive never tried to friend him.
Oh and why I don't "just call him" I tried on his birthday that time I got his machine and I guess I just am nervous now.
I am a mess and I know it believe me.
I Have had a very rocky life and I am so torn on this... please indulge me.
21 years ago in Fall 1993 I met a guy - "Derek" at a party in my then home area of the SF Bay Area. We connected IMMEDIATLY - he was 22 and I was 25. I had the ambition to be an animator and artist and was starting to go to school for it at SF Academy of Art. I had paid my tuition - non refundable. But for the next year and a half we were inseperable and constantly came up with ideas together of stories and projects we wanted to do. He was from a small PA town who loved CA and moved out here. He wasn't very "worldly" and wanted to see very movie, every band, everything interesting.I told him (in the words of Dali) that I would be his "tour guide to the world"
I had already been engaged (broke it off) and knew a lot of people and a lot of fun things to do. I took him to everything from poetry slams to pagan festivals to performance art and he absorbed it all like a sponge. He lost his virginity to me - posed for my art and we collaberated on a film which won an award at Apple (out of over 200 applicants) as well as telling me he could see us together forever living in a bungalow by the S. Cali sea - me working at Disney and he working as a fabricator on classic cars. I drove a beautiful 67 Mustang and that was our ride. He is PASSIONATE about cars especially from the 60s. (This wasn't so far fetched - I was already getting interest from studios and I had such jobs as working as an assistant to Farrah Fawcett - he was already getting experience as a talented fabricator - something he had started doing at automotive tech school in PA)
Well Anyway life sure was fun and I loved him so much. He was very good looking too - Im calling him Derek because the famous person I think he looks the most like is Derek Hough. I think I wasn't so hard on the eyes in my body at least - before I met him I had done work as a Weider fitness model. Im 6 feet tall. I want to mention here that we started writing short stories about a fictional couple who lived in an "art colony" and we would write it and I would illustrate it. I designed the comic versions of us and started a short animated film with them - set to a song called "car phone"
Derek was starting to pressure me to get married as 1995 came around and spring happened. I loved him and WANTED to but I wanted to finish school and I wanted to live in San Francisco. School was VERY important to me as well as I had a burning desire to live in that city.
Derek informed me he hated it there - it was "dirty" and he didn't like the people as much as "LA People" - SF people were "too weird" I started to see a few flaws in him - mainly that he seemed very materialistic. The beginning of the end was that when Porsche came out with the Boxster Derek wanted one BADLY - and he said I should give him some of my student loan money as a down payment.
I told him - no that's not gonna happen - (and Im not rich) I was working TWO part time jobs as well as going to the academy full time and by now I had rented a place in SF. Derek was still back in Sunnyvale and someone was interested in him. A 17 years older then him woman (who was kind of a dumpy type - think actress Margo Martindale) had started calling him all the time -she was related to a friend in our circle. She came from construction money in San Diego and to make a long story short she bought Derek his Porsche and he married her and moved into a nice house owned by her family in La Jolla. I will always remember his call telling me "well I guess Im gonna go ahead and marry Margo" in a flat unenthusiastic voice.
Now perhaps you are now thinking well she wasn't a raving beauty but is that so bad - no of course its not - but she had to call ME and tell me 1. I would never be Mrs. derek 2. I wasn't good enough for him and 3. I might as well jump off a bridge onto freeway traffic becaue I WILL DIE!. She also told me she would make sure I NEVER was able to have contact with him ever. She did other things before that were plain nasty (I had seen her briefly before at times) but this is getting long. (And it will get longer)
So I threw myself into school and attempted to forget Derek. I finished the film and it did well and was shown at the Mill Valley film festival and people liked it. dereks and My project about the couple was raved about by Pete Doctor of Pixar (director later of Wall-E) and other influental people. But it was taking a mental toll on me to do stuff that was all Derek all the time. Fox animation was interested in series and my teachers said I should persue this but I did not. I was in anguish.
I started seeing a guy who had been in a semi famous punk band and he got us a cool Victorian in Oakland by Lake Merritt. He also introduced me to heroin and by mid 1997 I had a raging habit. I stopped caring about my art. I liked something that made me forget so well. To skim over this part I got off it and on methadone in April 2000 and made another film at De Anza College by my moms home. I broke up with band guy and moved to Sacramento with my best female friend who had 2 daughters. I tutored them and tried again to start a new life.
I caught her shooting up heroin one day when the kids were in the next room She suffered from depression and I was horrified. No I wasn't on it anymore but I got a souvenior - Hep C.
She was stupidly fascinated by it and despite my pleading kept going into North Sac to score.
I took the 67 Mustang to a classic car shop to have an electrical problem worked on and the 17 years older owner really fell for me. (same years as Margo/Derek I kid you not) He asked me if I would marry him and would I like to get out of California for a while? I said yes. We moved to Salina Kansas where he had gone to automotive tech school. I realized I didn't love him and kept putting off marriage. He realized I didnt want to - we then moved to Las Vegas for a year and then Denver for NINE YEARS.
I did not draw - I did not do art. I did not care about it. I threw EVERYTHING in a storage unit and forgot about it. I DID try to be a good partner to mr mechanic but we were VERY different. He had a temper and was into BDSM and I wasn't. A lot of things were not good.
in October 2004 Derek found me and called me. He said he missed me he said he and Margo were having marriage troubles and they had "2 Russian girls living with them and they were total brats and he could not handle them" he said a lot of things - basically he missed me - I Missed him too and he sent me several photos. the calls only went on for a month and I didn't persue this.
OK forward to January 2013. We have to leave Denver the house is being sold (we rented)
I go to the storage unit and pull out TONS of old work - storyboards, scripts, art, 2 films - just a lot of stuff. I sit down on my bed. It is like Pandoras box. I think about Derek.
I look for him on the internet. I find him. I call him. He is VERY happy to hear from me.
I am ELATED to her his voice. He tells me hes going to send me a link I need to click on.
It is a TV show. about him and Margo. A famous host interviews(not Oprah). they ended up adopting THREE Ukraine orphans (margo was too old to have kids even though I learn from the show that a fortune was spent on fertility treatments) The older girl and youngest (a boy) are a LOT of trouble, very violent. The boy is SEVERLY autistic. He tried to kill Derek by stabbing him. He has attacked him many times. Oldest girl throws violent tantrums too. In La Jolla she pushed a neighbors kid off the roof. They had to leave the state - a neighborhood petition kicked them out. Lost a HUGE amount of money. They tried to sue got nowhere. Margo wanted kids that were a "racial match" to Derek - her exact wording. Short story they are struggling. Derek has thought about suicide. Im HORRIFIED.
So begins a hUGE move to Arizona during which Derek and I are now in constant contact. He is disappointed Im not moving to Cali. He wants me to (oh the family had gone back there in august of 2012) - and I miss it so bad. Texting and phone calls all the time. Sexy talk,- selfies - talking about things we like. Derek is so happy now he says. He says he loves that Margo is gone all week on a job so he doesn't have to see her. Oldest girl is living with Ukraine people in Florida - he has the younger two kids. He works out of his house in a "form filling out job" he despises. He says its long hours six days a week. I ask about state of marrage. They just "live under the same roof" Derek on facebook does not list a marital status - on his Youtube page does not wear a ring. He films his car for me and waves his fingers in front of the camera. But I still live with mr mechanic. And he doesn't want me to leave him. I want to add here that in 12 years mr mechanic has been very abusive and violent and we always struggle for money. We have had the police get involved in our life.
So in last week of august 2013 Derek calls me crying (message at 5 AM) He needs to talk.
He is VERY depressed. Hates his job hates the kids hates Margo hates his life. Says if it wasnt for his dog and his car he would not want to live. He says he made so many mistakes hes now in his mid 40s. I tell him what I want to do with my projects - how I cant promise anything but I had more success then the average student with the stuff WE wrote. I want to relaunch my web comic and my web animations and I want to collaborate with him. He is so thrilled he says - it would give him hope he has not felt since 2001. (his B day is 9/11)
he says he remembers it so well as that was the last time he felt satisfied with his life.
mr mechanic suddenly kicks open the door (I live in a storage room in a transmission shop)
Mr mechanic starts screaming and threatening Derek. derek (who had told me he has PTSD) starts freaking out! Who is that who is that! I try to calm him down theres all this yelling and screaming from Mr threatening to break his legs. derek says he will call me later. he does later in the afternoon. We talk briefly I apologize and make him promise to keep in touch - He says he will. I hear nothing from him ever again.
Today is 9/12/14. In 2013 on 9/11 I called derek on his birthday - got his answering machine
I left a message and he did not call. I texted twice in the year - I kept thinking he would call me - nothing. I didnt text much as I feel his situation with the adopted kids is drastic and Im sure hes often busy.
On 7/12/14 I move into a house alone here in the high desert over Prescott - I leave mr. mechanic. In my first week I text derek that I am in a place alone - still nothing. Before this I lived for one year and 3 months in a storage room unable to get to my things and my art.
In the past two months I FINALY started many projects and produced some comics, a short animation and a scene from the apple film of 1994 showing young Derek made into a gif. I cannot WAIT to email them to him on his birthday - heres what I promised! I send off the emails - nothing! I send a text and say (basically) Just tell me what I did or is it something else. I just have to know! That's all....
In closing maybe derek sounds shallow but he is a good person. He got married when he was 23.
I have no kids he and I are 44 and 47 now. I miss him so much. He sure seemed to miss me. I know you will tell me I live in the past - Ive TRIED to forget. Its been 20 years. If I could be mind wiped of him I probably would. I know I will still more to Southern Cali. Its my home. I'm still gonna put everything I have into resurrecting my art. Its what I live for. At least I will learn a lot of software and have a reel for it. I know I'm talented.
Do you think Derek will ever call?. What do you think I should do? PLEASE BE COMPASSIONATE in your responses - I am a nice person. Thank You The Sea Serpent
PS I made my first comment on Dereks youtube channel about his car and he replyed to me on email just one sentence but I came home and almost fell out of my chair as I had heard nothing in a year. So he knows im still here and he is not dead. Oh and he dislikes facebook his page has not been updated in over 3 years - he told me he only put it up to show his family the Ukraine kids and also to put up pix of his car, Ive never tried to friend him.
Oh and why I don't "just call him" I tried on his birthday that time I got his machine and I guess I just am nervous now.
I am a mess and I know it believe me.