The importance of the past as it relates to marriage

[confused446]

My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years, yet her past seems to always be an issue. Now I could sit here and discuss the issues that have come from her past and the impact it has on our marriage, but that would last forever. So today I'll ask for advice about one specific thing. She has had a very difficult time telling me the truth about

Comments

[cosmicwonder]

I agree. The OP mentioned that there are other issues in the relationship. I'm wondering whether his concern over this is a reflection of other problems.

[marblespire]

I might be reading too much into it, but this whole situation is raising red flags for me. I'm not sure why your wife doesn't want to be transparent about her past relationships, and I too would be a little concerned about that. But at the same time, she also probably has valid reasons to want to keep them from you (embarrasment, idiocy, etc) and that ought to be enough.

I suggest marital counseling, honestly. It seems like she has issues... but if I may be blunt, you do too. There needs to be absolute trust within a marriage, and yours is clearly eroded. Regardless of whether you have valid reason to distrust her, the distrust itself is poisonous and must be dealt with if you plan to stay married to this woman. You either need to get over it or divorce her; you can't stay in this limbo forever. (And that's completely aside from the other issues that you decided not to go into further detail on.)

[iidx_girl]

If I were in your situation, I would feel as you do. I am capable of being completely open and vulnerable with the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I expect them to feel like they can be just as open or as vulnerable toward me.

It could be that she doesn't trust you enough to be vulnerable with you; is that her nature to not trust anyone, or have you been potentially creating an atmosphere that makes her feel like she can't tell you things? It's best to resolve this limbo feeling asap or you will wonder forever and that is just cruel. I dated someone like your wife for two years, and I always felt like they were lying to me or holding themselves back. I've been with my current partner and husband for 9 years and the openness makes a huge difference in happiness, sanity, productively and self actualization.