You're Like This Little Fuck Up and I'm Like a Dream Come True
Title: You're Like This Little Fuck Up and I'm Like a Dream Come True
Author: dauthi
Rating: WTF
Word Count: 711
Summary: There isn't one. Truly.
A/N: I am trying to write something coherent for Speakout but it is not working and so I am just going to write a random shitpile and see what comes out.
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling, and there's this exploding desperation to do something, talk to anyone, be around someone so I don't accidentally up and kill myself. Right now I just feel very calm and unmotivated. I am writing words across an electronic screen but they don't mean anything to me. I don't want to write, I am not putting effort into writing, they are just there because it is 11:18 PM and I have not done my homework and I have not written my college essay and I want to go to sleep but I don't.
I am a walking bundle of contradictions. I walk around the school like I'm straight and tell people that I am gay, but only if they ask. I walk around the school like I am not in love with this girl, and I'm not, but sometimes I think about her in a creepy way, as if I was in love with her, but without actually wanting her.
I don't know if I am gay or straight or bi or anything at all, really. I get attracted to people but I get over it just as quickly, and I have not wanted anyone for more than five minutes. Half the time I hate people but I interact with them anyway because I have to until I am twenty-two and out of college. I border on maniacal and I dance around depression. Most of the time I just don't feel an affinity for anyone, and sometimes I think of the girl that sometimes it feels like I am in love with, but it doesn't feel like love, it just feels like voyeurism.
My last boyfriend told me he wanted more of a relationship than the relationship we were having right now, and then I broke up with him. I get attracted to people but I get over them so easily that I have decided I am not getting into any more relationships because it will just end up with us drifting apart. Unless it's with the girl, of course. And maybe then, even not. I just want the chance to accept her and then reject her.
It feels like accepting myself and then rejecting myself. I came out to my mother once and she just looked at me distractedly and rambled something to the equivalent of "whatever," and we never talked about it again. On some level I was relieved and on another level it felt like I hadn't really come out to her, because I never mentioned any girlfriends to her, only boyfriends. Not that I mentioned many of those either, because they would always end before it ever began.
I don't know who I am and I don't know what I want, and every time I do I know it can't last because I can't have what I want and I change too much to know myself. Maybe I just want to know myself. I am so sick of not feeling anything and writing words across the screen littered with glittering rage at my life and not feeling the punch against the wall. My life is perfectly fine, and I feel perfectly fine whenever tomorrow is not weighing down on me and people are not there to irritate me.
I am too much of a coward to publicly come out to the general public, but I don't know why it would matter anyway. I am not retarded and I am not dense, and I can tell that a lot of the confusion that happens to me has to do with my not being quite straight, but a lot of it doesn't have anything to do with anything either. It's just the way I am, although I am reasonably sure this was not the way I am when I was seven. Something changed when I grew up, and I would come out to the public but the truth is I just don't give a fuck. Being gay is like a disease; it should matter to me but it really doesn't, and I don't know what matters to me at all, if anything should matter, but of course something needs to matter for me to keep on living and here we have a dilemma.
---
the fuck? I can't believe I write things like this sometimes. It looks like creative genius and smelly emo unceremoniously mashed together in a Soul Calibur death match with lots of button mashing.
Author: dauthi
Rating: WTF
Word Count: 711
Summary: There isn't one. Truly.
A/N: I am trying to write something coherent for Speakout but it is not working and so I am just going to write a random shitpile and see what comes out.
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling, and there's this exploding desperation to do something, talk to anyone, be around someone so I don't accidentally up and kill myself. Right now I just feel very calm and unmotivated. I am writing words across an electronic screen but they don't mean anything to me. I don't want to write, I am not putting effort into writing, they are just there because it is 11:18 PM and I have not done my homework and I have not written my college essay and I want to go to sleep but I don't.
I am a walking bundle of contradictions. I walk around the school like I'm straight and tell people that I am gay, but only if they ask. I walk around the school like I am not in love with this girl, and I'm not, but sometimes I think about her in a creepy way, as if I was in love with her, but without actually wanting her.
I don't know if I am gay or straight or bi or anything at all, really. I get attracted to people but I get over it just as quickly, and I have not wanted anyone for more than five minutes. Half the time I hate people but I interact with them anyway because I have to until I am twenty-two and out of college. I border on maniacal and I dance around depression. Most of the time I just don't feel an affinity for anyone, and sometimes I think of the girl that sometimes it feels like I am in love with, but it doesn't feel like love, it just feels like voyeurism.
My last boyfriend told me he wanted more of a relationship than the relationship we were having right now, and then I broke up with him. I get attracted to people but I get over them so easily that I have decided I am not getting into any more relationships because it will just end up with us drifting apart. Unless it's with the girl, of course. And maybe then, even not. I just want the chance to accept her and then reject her.
It feels like accepting myself and then rejecting myself. I came out to my mother once and she just looked at me distractedly and rambled something to the equivalent of "whatever," and we never talked about it again. On some level I was relieved and on another level it felt like I hadn't really come out to her, because I never mentioned any girlfriends to her, only boyfriends. Not that I mentioned many of those either, because they would always end before it ever began.
I don't know who I am and I don't know what I want, and every time I do I know it can't last because I can't have what I want and I change too much to know myself. Maybe I just want to know myself. I am so sick of not feeling anything and writing words across the screen littered with glittering rage at my life and not feeling the punch against the wall. My life is perfectly fine, and I feel perfectly fine whenever tomorrow is not weighing down on me and people are not there to irritate me.
I am too much of a coward to publicly come out to the general public, but I don't know why it would matter anyway. I am not retarded and I am not dense, and I can tell that a lot of the confusion that happens to me has to do with my not being quite straight, but a lot of it doesn't have anything to do with anything either. It's just the way I am, although I am reasonably sure this was not the way I am when I was seven. Something changed when I grew up, and I would come out to the public but the truth is I just don't give a fuck. Being gay is like a disease; it should matter to me but it really doesn't, and I don't know what matters to me at all, if anything should matter, but of course something needs to matter for me to keep on living and here we have a dilemma.
---
the fuck? I can't believe I write things like this sometimes. It looks like creative genius and smelly emo unceremoniously mashed together in a Soul Calibur death match with lots of button mashing.