Poem - See what you think?

[david_franklin]

Stars rise angelic
And stars fall
Against the protesting cry of the mind
And the heart's treacherous call.
But mind and body,
Heart and soul
Bequeath themselves to nothingness
As the earthly Morning Star
Moves the mind to answer the heart's call.

opinions?

Comments

[irishc4t]

From a writer's and editor's standpoint:

I like that it sounds deep and introspective. Almost like "staring into the abyss" or something like that. Yet, it's a little hard to follow. What are you referring to with "the heart's treacherous call"? I'm kind of getting the feeling that this poem is about the feeling you get when you have a big crush on someone and your heart is saying go for it, but your mind is holding back and rationalizing why you shouldn't. I like how you used the word "bequeath" but i don't know what you mean by "bequeath themselves to nothingness".

All in all I think the mood and the tone are wonderful and that, with a little extra tweaking, this poem could really evoke some emotions.

[david_franklin]

The heart and the mind are in conflict here. The heart is tired and just wants to let go and fall into that abyss, but the mind is struggling at first, longing for more from life, but in the end, falls too.

Bequeath is used as it implies death and willing something, but the idea is that the heart and mind are no more, what is beyond doesn't matter, and what is left behind is just as irrelevant, and therefore nothingness.

[liquoricee]

You have my comments on it already. Keep working, it has potential. You're musical so being conscious of sound will come easy to you.

[david_franklin]

To be honest, the poem's more about Nihilism than anything else. No love in there, I assure you. :p It's an early draft, I'll revise it and re-post sometime soon, but it is indeed very instrospective.