To a friend...
::dusts off soapbox:: ::clears throat::
Welcome to West Hollywood. Let's talk about s-e-x, hmm?
I've wanted to write rant about this for a little while or at least I've thought about it. After genuine concern from a friend of mine after learning a friend someone he knows basically called him a "slut", I figured this would be a good way to gather my thoughts to him. Now my beliefs here are based upon the Los Angeles (West Hollywood) gay scene, so your mileage may vary.
When I first moved from San Diego to L.A., it was exciting. Not so much because of the city, but because for the first time, free of my straight friends, I was going to be openly gay. I went to parties; I had fun as a n00b mostly because I was unaware of the cattiness and bullshit that goes on. Yes, I was one of those guys who would make out with a guy at a party, blissfully unaware of the one or two people who were likely talking about me calling me a dirty whore. After all, why would I think such a thing? I almost exclusively hung out with straight friends back in SD, and that's certainly what they did at parties. Hell, the goal of many a frat party was to try to get shitty and go home with someone.
Over a bit of surprising conversations and time I learned that that gay guys are truly kind of assholes to one another. This gay "family" you hear about, well that's bullshit unless of course you mean a dysfunctional, petty, bickering family that attacks everyone and everything constantly. Maybe that's what they meant?
From listening to the cattiness, you would swear that gay guys have the most unhealthy view of sex in the world, as if they'd just walked out of the Victorian Age (or from a meeting with the Pope).
Well, tighten up your chastity belts, friends, because I'm not done yet
Anyone who's taken social or adolescent psychology has probably studied the contrasting views of sexuality between males and females. Males tend to grow up with a more open view of sex; whereas females are brought up thinking that sexual thoughts are much more negative. We all know the stereotype, a [straight] guy who has lots of sex is a hero; a female who has lots of sex is a slut (the whole white wedding dress syndrome). I think gay guys suffer from this same problem. After all, we are brought up to think that our desires are wrong, dirty, and outright disgusting. We're sent messages throughout our lives that a male desiring another male is one of the worst things in the world. It's no wonder some gay guys have such distorted views of sexual desire.
These messages and beliefs come from a view that sex is for procreation only. Most educated people know this to be wrong. Animals are sexual beings, humans in particular. We are given these desires, not because they are naughty, but because they are healthy; they are natural. No wonder why American culture is so fucked up sometimes. No wonder Fred Phelps runs around protesting gay funerals; no wonder our President makes it a priority to relegate homosexuals to second class citizens: we're taught that one of our most basic desires is sinful. Because I grew up hearing the same messages, here's a fact, that I constantly have to remind myself of:
As long as you're safe, and no one is getting hurt, there is nothing wrong with having sex
But that doesn't solve one problem: it kind of hurts to hear your friends acquaintances spreading rumors about you. It helps to understand this need among other fags to talk shit. And, to my friend, here are the conclusions I've come to, from observation:
1.
Gay boys will call you a slut out of projection and jealousy. They have the same desires you do, but seeing you act out on them is disturbing when they can't do the same things without guilt. It engenders intense feelings of jealousy but then anger anger at themselves borne of their own envy and desires. Humans have a difficult time being angry at themselves, so you become the target. Simple case of projection. (I read the IMs you sent me, and I get the feeling from the conversations he was telling you about that it really didn't go as he made it sound. It sounded to me as if he was sending you a message, so he likely exaggerated a very light-hearted conversation that lasted all of a couple of seconds).
2.
Gay boys LIE. I see this happen sooooooo many times. Boy A is with Boy B. Boy A secretly likes Boy B, B just thinks of A as a friend. B sees Boy C out at a party or club and wants him. Goes to friend A for help. Boy A talks shit about Boy C to Boy B ("OMG He's such a dirty slut.") Often times, this goes even farther, when Boy C knows Boy A as well and also solicits his help to meet Boy B. A will say the same thing about B as he said about C. Over time, Boy A will lose his friends over his cock blocking, but it will take time. The problem is, until Boy B learns that gay boys do lie when talking about others, this cock block works well. B is suddenly cold to C, and C has no idea why.
Gay boys have sex just so they can feel guilty about it later
The truth is, guys are going to call you a slut regardless of what you do. You can stop having sex and then be able to try to take the moral high ground as well by pointing that out, but you can't control the attacks. Because, truthfully, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. As my friend Paul belove reminds me, "Gay boys have sex just so they can feel guilty about it later." This isn't to say that if you're a guy, and not being a slut, you somehow have an unhealthy view of sex. You can have sex as frequently or infrequently as you like, but it shouldn't matter to you how much someone else is having sex. If you truly have a healthy view of sex, it won't offend you if someone else is. If you truly don't have a judgment about sex, it won't matter much. After all, if I see someone who watches too much television, I don't get all pissy and rant about how "so and so watches way too much TV". I might just pass a comment, "yea, he does watch a little too much TV" and move on with my life.
Of glass houses
And let me tell you something about Misters Prim and Proper. I can't tell you the immense sense of satisfaction you will feel walking in on (and hearing stories about others walking in on) them getting fucked at the bottom of a pile of boys. The look of horror and shame on their faces will make up for every guilty feeling you were made to feel by their previous attacks. I won't name names, but believe me, oh, how it happens!
But before you turn around and attack the attacker, understand also that if you didn't have those same guilty feelings, the charge of "slut" wouldn't carry nearly as much strength. It bothers us because it touches on those same feelings. So I say, as much as we're taught to take back the word "fag" and "queer", embrace your slutty side and take it back.
Decision time
So faced with these attacks, you have a choice to make. You can try to become pure and innocent so as to try not to be branded a slut by the few, the proud, and self loathing. Or you can do what you want to do. But choose wisely, and here's a tip: the latter gets to have more sex, because it's hard to have sex and not get your white dress dirty.
Welcome to West Hollywood. Let's talk about s-e-x, hmm?
I've wanted to write rant about this for a little while or at least I've thought about it. After genuine concern from a friend of mine after learning a friend someone he knows basically called him a "slut", I figured this would be a good way to gather my thoughts to him. Now my beliefs here are based upon the Los Angeles (West Hollywood) gay scene, so your mileage may vary.
When I first moved from San Diego to L.A., it was exciting. Not so much because of the city, but because for the first time, free of my straight friends, I was going to be openly gay. I went to parties; I had fun as a n00b mostly because I was unaware of the cattiness and bullshit that goes on. Yes, I was one of those guys who would make out with a guy at a party, blissfully unaware of the one or two people who were likely talking about me calling me a dirty whore. After all, why would I think such a thing? I almost exclusively hung out with straight friends back in SD, and that's certainly what they did at parties. Hell, the goal of many a frat party was to try to get shitty and go home with someone.
Over a bit of surprising conversations and time I learned that that gay guys are truly kind of assholes to one another. This gay "family" you hear about, well that's bullshit unless of course you mean a dysfunctional, petty, bickering family that attacks everyone and everything constantly. Maybe that's what they meant?
From listening to the cattiness, you would swear that gay guys have the most unhealthy view of sex in the world, as if they'd just walked out of the Victorian Age (or from a meeting with the Pope).
Well, tighten up your chastity belts, friends, because I'm not done yet
Anyone who's taken social or adolescent psychology has probably studied the contrasting views of sexuality between males and females. Males tend to grow up with a more open view of sex; whereas females are brought up thinking that sexual thoughts are much more negative. We all know the stereotype, a [straight] guy who has lots of sex is a hero; a female who has lots of sex is a slut (the whole white wedding dress syndrome). I think gay guys suffer from this same problem. After all, we are brought up to think that our desires are wrong, dirty, and outright disgusting. We're sent messages throughout our lives that a male desiring another male is one of the worst things in the world. It's no wonder some gay guys have such distorted views of sexual desire.
These messages and beliefs come from a view that sex is for procreation only. Most educated people know this to be wrong. Animals are sexual beings, humans in particular. We are given these desires, not because they are naughty, but because they are healthy; they are natural. No wonder why American culture is so fucked up sometimes. No wonder Fred Phelps runs around protesting gay funerals; no wonder our President makes it a priority to relegate homosexuals to second class citizens: we're taught that one of our most basic desires is sinful. Because I grew up hearing the same messages, here's a fact, that I constantly have to remind myself of:
As long as you're safe, and no one is getting hurt, there is nothing wrong with having sex
But that doesn't solve one problem: it kind of hurts to hear your friends acquaintances spreading rumors about you. It helps to understand this need among other fags to talk shit. And, to my friend, here are the conclusions I've come to, from observation:
1.
Gay boys will call you a slut out of projection and jealousy. They have the same desires you do, but seeing you act out on them is disturbing when they can't do the same things without guilt. It engenders intense feelings of jealousy but then anger anger at themselves borne of their own envy and desires. Humans have a difficult time being angry at themselves, so you become the target. Simple case of projection. (I read the IMs you sent me, and I get the feeling from the conversations he was telling you about that it really didn't go as he made it sound. It sounded to me as if he was sending you a message, so he likely exaggerated a very light-hearted conversation that lasted all of a couple of seconds).
2.
Gay boys LIE. I see this happen sooooooo many times. Boy A is with Boy B. Boy A secretly likes Boy B, B just thinks of A as a friend. B sees Boy C out at a party or club and wants him. Goes to friend A for help. Boy A talks shit about Boy C to Boy B ("OMG He's such a dirty slut.") Often times, this goes even farther, when Boy C knows Boy A as well and also solicits his help to meet Boy B. A will say the same thing about B as he said about C. Over time, Boy A will lose his friends over his cock blocking, but it will take time. The problem is, until Boy B learns that gay boys do lie when talking about others, this cock block works well. B is suddenly cold to C, and C has no idea why.
Gay boys have sex just so they can feel guilty about it later
The truth is, guys are going to call you a slut regardless of what you do. You can stop having sex and then be able to try to take the moral high ground as well by pointing that out, but you can't control the attacks. Because, truthfully, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. As my friend Paul belove reminds me, "Gay boys have sex just so they can feel guilty about it later." This isn't to say that if you're a guy, and not being a slut, you somehow have an unhealthy view of sex. You can have sex as frequently or infrequently as you like, but it shouldn't matter to you how much someone else is having sex. If you truly have a healthy view of sex, it won't offend you if someone else is. If you truly don't have a judgment about sex, it won't matter much. After all, if I see someone who watches too much television, I don't get all pissy and rant about how "so and so watches way too much TV". I might just pass a comment, "yea, he does watch a little too much TV" and move on with my life.
Of glass houses
And let me tell you something about Misters Prim and Proper. I can't tell you the immense sense of satisfaction you will feel walking in on (and hearing stories about others walking in on) them getting fucked at the bottom of a pile of boys. The look of horror and shame on their faces will make up for every guilty feeling you were made to feel by their previous attacks. I won't name names, but believe me, oh, how it happens!
But before you turn around and attack the attacker, understand also that if you didn't have those same guilty feelings, the charge of "slut" wouldn't carry nearly as much strength. It bothers us because it touches on those same feelings. So I say, as much as we're taught to take back the word "fag" and "queer", embrace your slutty side and take it back.
Decision time
So faced with these attacks, you have a choice to make. You can try to become pure and innocent so as to try not to be branded a slut by the few, the proud, and self loathing. Or you can do what you want to do. But choose wisely, and here's a tip: the latter gets to have more sex, because it's hard to have sex and not get your white dress dirty.