Harder To Breathe
So I have a feeling I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again--it's just as important now as it was then. This was brought on my some news I received concerning my sister's boyfriend tonight, and it goes for anyone who wants to be in my life in one way or another.
I moved to Ohio to get my life in order. It wasn't working the way I was living it, and it needed to change. I didn't have the resources, the will, or the ways to change it where I was, so I moved. I needed to pay off my debt from my younger days, go back to school, get some health issues under control, and make something of myself. I'm on a roll now, and I'm not going to let anything stop me. I LIKE THIS FEELING. I like being able to live without worrying about making it to the next paycheck. It's freeing. It's relaxing. It's NICE. I'm not going to do anything that could get me back into the hole I was in that I'm just now seeing the way out of. I don't want to be back here again.
That may mean some sad things for the future; I probably won't get back into cosplaying (I don't consider myself very good at it anyway) or conventions like I did. I won't get back into late nights, early mornings, meaningless job, spending all my money having a good time with friends. I haven't done much of any of it in about two years, and I honestly don't miss it. At all. There are more important things I can do--things that mean more to me than the small, immediate amusement or joy I got from everything before, and that have longer lasting, more satisfying effects.
This doesn't mean I'm going to drop all my friends from those areas of my life, but it does mean that I may spend less time with them if it means staying afloat. I don't want to be dragged down, and behaviors that will most likely bring me down will be avoided. Everyone gets to a point in their life where things change and you can either go with it and get further, or stay behind and stagnate. I want to go further.
This also doesn't mean I'll stop liking or being interested in all these things. I do like sewing still--I like seeing all the things I can make and I like the accomplishment I get at the end after seeing the final product. I still love anime and games and movies. I still love reading (and writing) fantasy, sci-fi, and non-fiction. I still love goofing off--everyone needs some time to goof off and have fun or they'll go crazy. This just means I won't be doing it as much, and, sorry to say, I will probably be frustrated by those who have nothing better going for them than anime, games, and goofing off. Those who are doing something with their lives (school, good work, or simply being a competent, intelligent, responsible, independent adult) will have my kudos--I will look up to you for power to continue with my path, for as long as you're doing it, so can I. I will need strong, responsible, competent, intelligent people around me to keep me going, especially when things get tough and all I want to do is stay home and do nothing.
And I will need strong, capable, responsible people in the future as well. I have spent so much of my life (needed or not, that's just how I am) helping and supporting and being there for people, friends and family alike, and I really don't want to continue doing it. I CAN'T continue doing it. I need to take care of me, and even when I have a family, I don't want to be the sole supporter of the family. I am getting tired of doing this. Unless you're my child, it's not my job to mother/support/take care of you, and I need to stop doing it until I have children. I need to save my energy for them. And my money, really. Teachers don't get paid 6-figure salaries. If I want to do all the things I want to do before I die (travel, experience shows/events/whatnot), I will need to be stable enough to do it. And what if I DO have Huntington's? I'm not showing signs, from what I can tell, but it is a dominant gene, and it's quite possible. What will I do then? What will my family do then?
This is some of what's been going through my head tonight after hearing some very disappointing news. While I do love my sister to death, and I understand her situation, I WILL NOT live like her. I refuse. I will be doing everything in my power to make sure I don't.
Just a warning.
I moved to Ohio to get my life in order. It wasn't working the way I was living it, and it needed to change. I didn't have the resources, the will, or the ways to change it where I was, so I moved. I needed to pay off my debt from my younger days, go back to school, get some health issues under control, and make something of myself. I'm on a roll now, and I'm not going to let anything stop me. I LIKE THIS FEELING. I like being able to live without worrying about making it to the next paycheck. It's freeing. It's relaxing. It's NICE. I'm not going to do anything that could get me back into the hole I was in that I'm just now seeing the way out of. I don't want to be back here again.
That may mean some sad things for the future; I probably won't get back into cosplaying (I don't consider myself very good at it anyway) or conventions like I did. I won't get back into late nights, early mornings, meaningless job, spending all my money having a good time with friends. I haven't done much of any of it in about two years, and I honestly don't miss it. At all. There are more important things I can do--things that mean more to me than the small, immediate amusement or joy I got from everything before, and that have longer lasting, more satisfying effects.
This doesn't mean I'm going to drop all my friends from those areas of my life, but it does mean that I may spend less time with them if it means staying afloat. I don't want to be dragged down, and behaviors that will most likely bring me down will be avoided. Everyone gets to a point in their life where things change and you can either go with it and get further, or stay behind and stagnate. I want to go further.
This also doesn't mean I'll stop liking or being interested in all these things. I do like sewing still--I like seeing all the things I can make and I like the accomplishment I get at the end after seeing the final product. I still love anime and games and movies. I still love reading (and writing) fantasy, sci-fi, and non-fiction. I still love goofing off--everyone needs some time to goof off and have fun or they'll go crazy. This just means I won't be doing it as much, and, sorry to say, I will probably be frustrated by those who have nothing better going for them than anime, games, and goofing off. Those who are doing something with their lives (school, good work, or simply being a competent, intelligent, responsible, independent adult) will have my kudos--I will look up to you for power to continue with my path, for as long as you're doing it, so can I. I will need strong, responsible, competent, intelligent people around me to keep me going, especially when things get tough and all I want to do is stay home and do nothing.
And I will need strong, capable, responsible people in the future as well. I have spent so much of my life (needed or not, that's just how I am) helping and supporting and being there for people, friends and family alike, and I really don't want to continue doing it. I CAN'T continue doing it. I need to take care of me, and even when I have a family, I don't want to be the sole supporter of the family. I am getting tired of doing this. Unless you're my child, it's not my job to mother/support/take care of you, and I need to stop doing it until I have children. I need to save my energy for them. And my money, really. Teachers don't get paid 6-figure salaries. If I want to do all the things I want to do before I die (travel, experience shows/events/whatnot), I will need to be stable enough to do it. And what if I DO have Huntington's? I'm not showing signs, from what I can tell, but it is a dominant gene, and it's quite possible. What will I do then? What will my family do then?
This is some of what's been going through my head tonight after hearing some very disappointing news. While I do love my sister to death, and I understand her situation, I WILL NOT live like her. I refuse. I will be doing everything in my power to make sure I don't.
Just a warning.