PPC Mission 4: A Squire's Pain Pt. 2
Kel woke up with the headache from hell. I guess I deserve this after treating Joren like that yesterday… Kel thought, wincing as she sat up. Maybe I should let him help, but keep it strictly professional, no emotional attachments involved.
“What?” demanded Ross, his indignation causing him to sit up straight. “How the hell does she deserve to have a hangover - er, a headache - for brushing off the assface?” He was quite amused to have found himself sitting on top of Kel’s wardrobe as the space of the chapter coalesced.
“Author justification?” Meip asked, her voice muffled as she had somehow ended up IN Kel’s wardrobe, while Ross had managed to land atop of it. “It’s dark in here…” she muttered.
“Kel you up yet?” Neal yelled through the door. “I’ve been knocking for fifteen minutes!”
Ross winced, and hopped down off the top of the wardrobe, opening it up and helping Meip out. “I have never, ever, heard Nealan of Queenscove fail at language like that…”
“Meep,” Meip agreed. After a quick glance at the Words, the newbie agent covered her eyes and whined. Ross was just in the process of wondering what she had seen, when he saw.
“Oh. My. Tolkien,” he muttered, looking away. That was not a pretty sight. “I didn’t sign up for Bad Slash because I don’t have the stomach for that…” he muttered, shaking his head.
As Neal finished his business and walked into the room, Ross shook his head. “If he’s just been knocking for fifteen minutes, why hasn’t he just come in?” Ross demanded. “And didn’t Kel lock her door every night?”
Meip ever so slowly peeked out from behind her fingers, then uncovered the rest of her face. “Mwah,” Meip said neutrally.
“Charge for Slandering the Good Name of Kel, as well as Neal,” said Rose, deadpan, as it was disclosed that Kel and Neal always waited till the last minute to do anything. Disregarding the dodgy phrasing that made it sound as though the pair of Squires went out shopping for midwinter gifts every single morning, Rose pressed on, hoping not to have to sit through too much idiocy.
She shook her head again, frowning. “Lack of commas, grammatical aberrations, making Neal an oblivious cad…” She was muttering to herself, eyes unfocused and looking at the Words, until - “Neal Bashing. Charge her for Neal Bashing,” she said, pushing Meip down so as to avoid the ballistic author’s note apologizing for Neal Bashing. “If you’re going to have to apologize for something, don’t do it at all,” Rose muttered, letting Meip back up.
Meip dutifully wrote down the charges. “How is the sparkly punctuation of doom affecting you now?” she asked quietly. “Any worse?”
Rose turned to Meip, putting on a brave face. “I fear, sweet child, that I am flagging. Please, if I cannot continue, go on without me! Save yourself, and save this fic! Continue that noble Cause on my behalf if I -” She was cut off by a Generic Book to the face.
“Bad,” said Meip, with a small frown. “No. Bad agent.”
Rose shook her head, wrinkled her nose a little, and gave Meip a grin. “Thanks. I needed that… So. Back to business!” Rose turned back to the action just in time for Kel to say “Neal he found out, originally I wasn’t intending to enlighten anyone to my preference to incise (slit open) my wrist.”
“Aieeeeeee,” moaned Ross. “Thesaurus Rape and an Explanatory In-Text Author’s Note?” he shook his head, hard, and then winced, as “Oh,” Neal said. (A/N I am proud of myself! Thanks to my thesaurus I have written something intelligent! OH somebody tell my mother I’m not a stupid 8th grader who knows nothing!) happened.
Rose did her best to tune out the next few paragraphs, until, suddenly, both she and the rookie were sitting on a crowded street, feeling, if not positively ill, then at least a little green around the gills.
“Where the hell is “Cours”? Meip demanded and she pulled herself to her feet.
“Coming up the street right now,” said Rose, holding out a hand to the Mini as it waddled toward her. “Hey there honey-woney!” she cooed, scooping up the little bundle of razor blades.
“Hey Neal do you think Joren would like this?” Kel asked holding up a pair of Yamani steel Sais. (Sais are those things Elektra fights with you know the knife looking things. One is referred to as a Sai. Sai is pronounced like sigh, and Sais is pronounced like sighs.)
“Yeah he loves weapons and shit like that you know” Neal commented.
“Neal thank you I really don’t know what I’d do without you,” Kel laughed as she gave the man at the shop 3 gold nobles for the Sais.
“Live everyday wondering why it’s not worth living without Nealan of Queenscove.” Neal teased.
Rose groaned. “In-text author’s notes. Cutting off the tails of her poor, poor commas and turning them into periods. Making Neal swear like that. Complete and utter lack of any coherent punctuation… Referencing a bad movie in your fic to explain something…” After shaking his head to clear the glitter out of his eyes, Ross continued. “See, were this MY author’s note, I would make it a footnote, or have one of the characters say it, and explain the history of the Sai, how it was originally a farming tool, Etc… But no. She has to have it in an in-text author’s note. One that HURTS. Because of the STUPID. And OH GODS I’VE GOT THE CAPSRAPE DISEASE…” Ross hurriedly clamped a hand over his mouth, and looked at Meip with pleading eyes. “HELP?!>!”
“Ross,” whispered his sister, “How the hell did you just pronounce a Greater Than?”
Wham!
Ross sighed gratefully as a book slammed him over the head.
“Your making my book go all floppy,” Meip said sadly, and then gasped, slapping one hand over her mouth and whining low in her throat.
Rose gave Meip a look, and then snatched the book out of her hands, and hit the owner with it. “It’s ‘you’re’. ‘You. Are’.” The older Agent glared at the newbie, and handed her back her book.
“We’re going to need more books,” Meip commented as she stuffed the generic book into her Bag.
Rose startled at a new voice, took a look at the newly arrived character, winced, and whipped out her CAD, pointing it at the young man.
[Domitan of Masbolle. OOC 12.3%. Ohthankgod.]
Rose sighed in relief, and showed the CAD to Meip.
Meip sighed as well, her relief evident on her face.
Ross scanned the words, speaking before he had fully noticed what he had just read. “Okay, I think we can safely skip ahead a little - OH SWEET MERCIFUL TOLKIEN!” Ross cried, then winced. He had seen it. She had done it. “Alright. Two problems. I’ve still got capsrape disease, and she’s just mentioned herself her Personal Character.” Ross shook his head, and came back up as Rose. “Kasidy? Kasidy? That’s not even a Yamani name… It’s… structured wrong. Yamani is based on Japanese, and… that’s not how it’s done. Not at ALL….” Rose reviewed what she had just said, and frowned. “There were four periods in that ellipses, weren’t there?”
“Yes, yes there were,” Meip responded.
“Uuuugh. Anyway. Charge her for inserting a non-canonical best friend for Kel, since we have never, ever heard that name in book, with a stupid, non-Yamani name. Also…” Rose scanned the words a little further, and sighed. “Charge her for modern slang, and then I think it’s safe for us to skip the ball and go straight to where Joren gets given the gift from Kel.”
Meip scribbled down the charges, hushing the kitten that had taken refuge in the debths of her Bag from the disorientating changes. “How do we skip something? Is there, like a… a fast forward button or something?” she asked innocently. “Or do we just go somewhere else during the meantime?”
“Oh, we just dial in the coordinates in the RA, making use of the plotholes. Like this, see?” Ross did so, showing the new agent how, and then stepped through the portal.
“Milord, this was sent to you, it’s a Midwinter gift.”
Ross sighed. Well, that was innocuous enough”
Meip stared at her partner with wide eyes before frantically snatching a passing quotation mark and throwing it at Ross. “Put that back where it goes!”
Ross groaned, looked over his previous sentence, and inserted the quotation mark properly. Then, making good use of non-Suvian resources, he scrounged the extra full-stop from his last ellipses, and put the poor, atrocious sentence out of its misery.
Meip sighed with relief, and then sent Rose/Ross a little glare. “Stop that, or I’m going to sick a horde of literate cats on you,” she threatened, only half kidding.
“Yes’m,” said Ross, sighing again as Joren - I really hope you like these, Neal thinks you will because you like the fighting arts so much. I am really sorry about the other day I know you were just trying to help thank you so much though for your help, meet me at the palace stables later tonight, around midnight. I am really honestly sorry. Joren I think I’m in love with you. Happened at them, booming in Vox Dei for everyone to wince at.
“Charge her for making Kel’s grammar atrocious. Just… just do it.” Rose shook her head, not wanting to look at the rest of the chapter. “You… you gather up the charges for this part. I’m going to be over there. Crying.” She pointed to a window seat, but was stopped by Meip grabbing her arm.
“No. If I have to slough through this while still being a newbie, then so do you, and I’m not letting you wangst,” she informed the older agents in a tone that said she’d put up with no more nonsense from them. “Now,” she continued, in a tone much closer to her usual diffident attitude. “There’s a fight coming up, and I’m really tempted to put random objects in the way so the combatants trip and fall all over the place.”
Ross grinned. “’Fraid we… What the hell, why not.” He grabbed a chair, ignoring the line “Wow, well she doesn’t look so bad anymore, she’s probably prettier that most women at court.” and placing the chair in front of the oblivious Cleon.
Meip glanced at the words, and proceeded to place a gravy-covered dish of un-definable origins on the ground where Joren was set to slam into. “If they had shoelaces, I would so totally tie Neal’s together,” she commented sadly, as she found a plot banana. She stripped it, tossed the banana away and placed the peel in Neal’s path.
Rose had to smother a snort at the result of Meip’s sabotage, then her mouth dropped open at the sight of an s, a large, enraged s, barreling towards Joren. “What…?” she scanned the words, and face met palm. “Oh. ‘I don’t want her to see s kill the cheating bastard’…” She snagged the little creature out of the air, and handed it to Meip. “There you go. There’s your first PPC pet. Congratulations.”
The veteran agent watched as Dom lead Kel out into the garden, and what passed for banter out there, before being whisked back to the action centering around the boys attempting to beat up Joren.
Meip stared at the little creature that had been deposited in her arms. She blinked a few times, sighed, and then patted the s on the head before placing it inside her Bag. “I hope my cats don’t eat it,” she commented.
Rose sighed, and watched with boredom as the scene flickered between two locales - “Bleeprin?” she asked the younger agent, holding out a bottle after downing two for herself. The flickering, along with what the Suethor obviously thought was romance, were giving her a headache, and she was certain that it was having the same effect on Meip. - until King Jon seemed to appear out of nowhere, and begin yelling.
"Stop this now!" Ross puts his hands to his head as a sudden jerk of all of one sentence pulls the two agents in and out of present tense. “Who is ‘Object’?” demanded Ross. “And why did we just have a present-tense shift? And - Oh my Tolkien!”
Why it is that no one's ever gotten caught fighting before, but now that it's us, of course we get caught. Next time I'll fight far away in the forest so I can hide the bodies. Joren thought darkly as he and the others awaited their punishment.
“There is… so… so… just… No.” Ross shook his head, and closed his eyes. “Rookie. Tell me why that was wrong.”
“You mean besides everything?” Meip asked dryly.
“Yes, besides everything. Tell me, what, canonically, is wrong with the assertion that no one ever got caught before?” Ross had rocketed into Teacher Mode, and grinned at his new partner. Noticing that Meip was holding her new s out as if to show it off, he reached out, and scratched the top of the s’s head. Something clicked. “That’s Object, then?”
“Two words. First. Test,” Meip replied, grinning a little as Object started purring. “Apparently.”
“Good!” said Ross, returning her grin. The grin faded, however, as a little, redheaded woman materialized in the room.
“Now, squires, what caused this fight?” Paxton asked as Inness and Alanna came over to see their squires.
Ross’s face met his palm, in a loud smack. “And this? What’s wrong with this picture?”
“Kel never met Alana until after she was knighted, because some people believed that Alana would use witchery to help Kel gain her knighthood,” Meip replied promptly.
“Good,” Said Rose, shaking her hair out of her face. “Charge her for that, and for making none of them ever get into fights. Except one thing.” Ross frowned, scanning the text of their conversation. “Alanna. Two ‘n’s. You used one.”
"You love her, don't you?" Inness asked quietly.
"What's it to you?" Joren snapped.
"Well actually it's a matter of state now" Myles said stepping from the
shadows.
Ross winced. “Well, at least she justified Myles appearing out of nowhere…”
Meip nodded and then glanced over at her partner as Myles announced, “Well there is a prophecy we need to discuss, Alanna go retrieve Kel and Domitan of Masbolle if you would?”
“Now?” she asked.
“Not quite yet.” Rose gritted her teeth. “We have to sit through the actual prophesy. But as soon as that’s read, then yes. Yes, please.” That said, Rose grabbed Meip, jumped through a passing plothole, and found herselves in Sir Myles’s office. Rose winced. Office. “Isn’t it a Study in the books, not an office?” she asked.
“I think so,” Meip replied slowly, sounding and looking dizzy.
"What's going on?" Alanna asked.
“I’d like to know that myself,” said Ross, pushing his hair out of his face. It had gone red again…
"Well, Alanna; Dom, Keladry, nice of you to join us, this is the prophecy written by the seer Tamari, she foresaw the end of everything good and the beginning of the age of darkness. It says quote 'When the heir of darkness is born to the Protector of The Small and the Ice Prince of Stone Mountain she will destroy her twin the heir of light. But if she is killed the moment she is born all will fare well, but if the Protector and the Prince fail this task, all will fall.'" Myles read.
“Now?” Meip asked.
“Now,” growled Rose, grinning a grin that she knew exposed more teeth than she quite technically had, and stepped into the open. “Okay, everybody, listen up!” It was perhaps not the wisest thing to do in a room full of knights, former knights, and future knights, but there was not really any other way to go about it. “I am Agent Rose/Ross O--- of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and this is my partner, Agent Meip… Meip…” Ross turned to the younger agent, flustered, then continued. “Agent Meip. Now, if everyone except Kel and Joren would please look here…”
“Nosredna,” Meip whispered helpfully. “Meip Nosredna.”
“Thank you,” Said Ross, before turning back to face the crowd gathered in front of them. “Um… We have come from a far off land on a mission of grave importance for which we can only trust…” Ross fumbled for the titles that had been used earlier. “The Protector of The Small and the Ice Prince of Stone Mountain. So please, my lady my lord, please, come with us. It is a matter of saving the world that we all love so deeply… Meip, if you will please take our heroes outside while I explain to these brave folk why we need them…?” Ross smiled brightly at Meip, exuding all the Stu Charm he could without vomiting rainbows at both his partner, and the characters.
“How many times do we begin a sentence with ‘um’?” Meip muttered under her breath. “Zero.” She took a deep breath, and then used a bit of her own Suethor charm to beam a winning, yet urgent smile at the Sues. “Heroes, this is a task that only you could do and it is very vital that we leave right away. Please follow me.” She waved towards the door and started walking. “We have horses ready for you outside and I’ll explain everything once we are on the road.”
Ross frowned. Those words sounded familiar. They sounded an awful lot like what one of his teachers in high school had been fond of saying. He shrugged it off, waited for Meip to get the Sue and Stu outside, and then popped on his sunglasses. “Look here, please!” he said, and pressed the button on his Neuralyzer. “Okay, folks. There has been no love affair between Squire Keladry and Squire Joren. And there certainly isn’t any sort of stupid prophesy about how they’ll have twin daughters and have to kill one or she’ll destroy the world. Goodbye.” Snatching the scroll that had the erroneous prophesy scrawled over it - all the ‘I’s were dotted with hearts. Ross shuddered. - Ross ducked out of the room, grinning. “Well, that’s done.”
Meip glanced the twin’s way and then back towards the frantically kissing Sues. “I told them that the first they would have to do to save the world was kiss,” she explained. “I figured it would be a good way to delay them?” she offered tentatively.
Rose cracked up laughing. “Well done. You’re getting the hang of this. Okay, whilst they’re distracted, quick, how should we kill them?”
“Painfully?” Meip offered, her eyes wide.
Rose looked from the pair of squires, conjoined at the lips, to her new partner, wracking her brain. “So, well, how shall we, anyway? Send them to Haven as it's being sacked?” She looked at Meip while the younger girl, frowned, then added, in a catlike meow, “M’rown?”
“I dunno,” said Meip, shrugging, huge-eyed.
“The sacking of Haven involves killing machines,” Rose reminded her. “Those are painful....” She grinned, hopefully, and batted her eyes at the younger agent.
“Otay.”
Rose hadn’t realized that anyone actually used that word. “Well then. Okay. I’ll dial in the co-ordinates while you read them the charge list? And, don’t move. I’m going to try something funny with the portal…”
“Ah…” Meip pulled out her notebook and looked at the long list she had written. “Meeeep,” she whined, and turned pleading eyes towards Rose/Ross. “I don’t know how to phrase it. That’s what you’re supposed to be training me for!” she said, sounding a wee bit panicked.
“Ah?” asked Ross, fiddling with the dials on the RA, and finally causing a large blue portal to spring up on three sides of the Sue and Stu. “Well then. Lemme see that, then.” He took the notebook out of her hand, winced, and glared at the pair.
After about five minutes of organizing the charges, Ross grinned. “You two. Yeah, you, the ones with the locked lips. Listen to me. You two, being a replacement Mary Sue and Gary Stu, respectively, are here by charged with the following crimes.” He took a deep breath, and began.
“Canon Raep, up to and including, but not limited to: Referring to multiple Goddesses, Swapping Neal and Kel’s eating Habits, Making Neal swear like that, Slandering the Good Name of Kel, as well as Neal, Neal Bashing, Inserting a non-canonical best friend for Kel, Inserting Alanna into Kel’s page and squire days, Making none of them ever get into fights, Writing a bogus prophecy, and Kel and Joren being replacement Sues.”
“It’s fanfiction. That means it’s our story!” protested the Sue, finally seeming to realize what was going on. “That’s why they call it FANfiction.”
“Wrong,” said Ross, grinning larger. “But even if you were correct, that is not the extent of the charges. You are also charged with General Cruelty the English Language, both general conventions and the stylistic choices of the original author, up to and including, but not limited to: Lack of Commas, Failing at basic grammar, Thesaurus Rape and Explanatory In-Text Author’s Notes, Cutting off the tails of your poor, poor commas and turning them into periods, Complete and utter lack of any coherent punctuation, Making Kel’s grammar atrocious, Anachronistic speech on Kel’s part, Shifting viewpoints, Modern Slang, In-text author’s note, Referencing a bad movie in your fic to explain something, and Excessively anachronistic speech.”
“That’s not fair!” squealed the Sue. “I’m just an 8th grader!”
“No excuse. I was in 8th grade when I began classes with the Exhaled Master Page, and he never cut ME any slack, so I’M not going to cut YOU any slack. That said, you are also guilty of Lack of spelling and grammar causing ridiculous predicaments, up to and including, but not limited to: Making Kel sweat blood, Creation of the Mini-Stormwings ‘Queenscove Mindelan’ and ‘Cours’, Turning Joren into Stone, Pasting the two Sues together, Turning Kel into a Concrete Angle, and Causing Kel to sweat blood. Really. That is disgusting. On that note, you also display Absolute stupidity when it comes to the process of cutting, up to and including, but not limited to: Leaving your knife lying on the floor covered in blood, Causing a closet cutter to cut in public, and Being Stupid about places to cut.”
“Hey! Everybody knows how to cut! You just use your knife, right?”
“Shut up. You are also guilty of charges sundry, up to and including, but not limited to, the following: Being written by Phoenix Guardian of Fire AKA Brown Eyed Girl17, Accusing a respectable author of owning the plot of this fic/badly phrasing something to appear that you are accusing a respectable author of owning the plot of this fic, Mangling the ONLY country song that Agent Rose/Ross, that is, I, like, Using a song about child abuse, incorrectly, to further the Wangst of this fic, Turning Agents of the PPC into a Gary-Stu, and Mary-Sues respectably, as well as your selves being a Mary Sue and a Gary Stu. For these crimes, if only for the sheer number of them, my GODS, you are sentenced to death. Painful death. Both of you. Goodbye.”
With one last dashing grin, Ross utilized the Stu Powers that the pair had gifted him with, and, amping up the few years of karate he had taken back in high school, delivered two successful roundhouse kicks in quick succession, punting both the Suvian menaces backwards, and into the portal.
A second later, both Agents heard the sounds of screaming, and when Rose poked her head through the portal, both were hacked to bits by killing machines at Haven. “Muahahahahhahah….” cackled Ross, grinning maniacally.
Meip looked askance at her partners, and informed them, “I don’t know if I should hit you over the head with a generic book for turning into an Evil!Stu, or join you in your mad cackling.”
“After that?” Ross mused, “I think the best course of action would be to drag me back to FicPsych. At least I didn’t write this one to death,” he muttered, shaking his head, before another cackle escaped.
“Well, before we head off to get your head shrunk, don’t we need to find the real Kel and Joren?” Meip asked.
Ross considered for a moment. “Yes. Yes. That would be a wise idea. Give me another dose of Generic Book so I can think straight to find them? I think reading those charges may have tipped me over the edge, dear heart. You may never know what true potential your partner had, before this fateful mission. Alas, I shall be chained in FicPsych for the rest of my days, gone far beyond all hope of salvation…”
Meip glared a very evil glare, set down her bag, dug out two generic books, and created a Ross and book sandwich with a resounding smack. She held the books on either side of her partner’s face for a moment before withdrawing them. “I’ve had enough of your wangsting and Suvian behavior. If you don’t start trying harder to fight the Suethor influance I think I might go BALLISTIC. We both had to deal with enough Sue-ishnes from those two,” she pointed at the portal to illustrate her point. “-and I really don’t need to put up with it from you! My first day as an Agent has been tramatic enough already, what with having a enourmas charge list, being turned into a boy, having to wear pants, beeing turned into a Mary Suethor with--” she glanced up at her words. “Increasengly bad grammar and spelling prolebms! If you doN”T SHaPE UP AND heLP ME finD SOME WAY TO FIX THIS, THEN I’LL… I’LL… I’LL SICK MIKE ON YOU11!!1” After the last 1 Meip realized that she had started yelling and she blushed a bright shade of crimson, heat spreading all over her face and down her neck. She hung her head, letting her hair curtain her face. “I’m sorry…” she apologized meekly, her voice much, much quieter. She held out one of the books towards her fellow Agent. “I think I need to be hit too,” she said, her voice prickly with embarrassment.
Ross stood, stunned, for a moment, before taking the book and bapping its owner lightly over the head with it. “Come on,” he said, his voice gentle. He had just had a vision of his own first day on the job. It had… not been pleasant. “Let’s go find out hero and villain. And then, I think you’ve given me an idea.” He set off at a mild trot, then stopped, facepalming again. “Here.” He tossed the RA to Meip, and said “Balor’s Needle. Think about it.”
Meip caught the RA after a moment of fumbling and turned the dials with a few competent twists. The PPC crash course had been useful for something after all. She pressed the button and the portal opened up in front of them. “I think that’s the right spot,” she said diffidently, a fainter version of the blush still apparent on her cheeks.
“Well, if not, we’ll both be dead,” said Ross, cheerfully grabbing Meip by the hand and pulling her through the portal.
They landed, thankfully, on the observation deck of Balor’s Needle, a tall, thin tower on the castle grounds. And, sure enough, tied to each other and looking pissed, were the real Kel and Joren.
Meip very quickly got to work untying the pair of canons. Rose carefully avoided the edge, and tossed Meip a pair of sunglasses. “Here, put these on,” she said, pulling out her Neurolyzer.
Meip finished untying the pair and stepped back, quickly pulling the sunglasses on over her invisible glasses, which made the sunglasses sit a little oddly on her face.
Rose pressed the button, and closed her eyes for good measure, then smiled as the canons blinked, confused. “Okay. You two. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened. However, you might want to get your asses down off this tower. You’re not allowed up here.” With that, Rose turned to Meip. “You still have the RA. Get us out of here.”
Meip nodded, pulled out the device and pressed the button labeled Home. She made a quick check of her Bag, and then stepped through the glowing blue portal. Rose followed her, setting her bag down on her big chair, taking stock, and heading for the door. She was almost there, when a thought popped out of the back of her brain, in Ross’s voice. “Mike,” Ross whispered.
Of course. What was a Mary Sue or Gary Stu but a bad character? And who did the twins go to when they had a bad character? None but their old teacher. Mike. It would be perfect…