PPC, Az & Boston, Mission 1: Sary
Author: God only knows. Sary, probably.
Rating: M
Obligatory linkage: http://hikaness.deep-ice.com/fics/sarymst.htm
Sporked by: dawnbluewings , as Agents Az and Boston
Notes: Suishness, OOCness, WTFness, BiologyFail, Etc...
Mission 1: Sary
Boston, of course, was not required to wake Azrael up. By the will of the Ironic Overpower, Az woke from restless dreams of her half-formed life before the PPC, just in time to calm down a little before -
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Az jumped, clanged her forehead on the springs of the top bunk, rolled out of bed, and stayed like that for a moment, crouched on all fours, cussing the air around her face into a sickly bluish-gray.
Getting unsteadily to her feet, Az toddled into the main room of her RC, and gave the console a glare. “What does it want?” she asked her new partner, Boston, who stood, dumbfounded, staring at the screen.
“We’ve got a mission. Someone’ll be by shortly to take your daughter to the nursery while we’re gone.” He turned to her with a haunted expression. “I don’t even know this ‘verse, and this is… frightening.”
“What’s the ‘verse?” demanded Az, blinking sleep out of her eyes, running a hand through her hair, and squinting at the console. All she could make out was a massive wall of text.
“Um… Lord of the Rings? Do you know that one?” Boston looked lost, frightened, and very, very pale. “There’s… a monkey…”
Az felt all the sleep drain out of her body. “Yes. Yes, Boston, I know the Lord of the Rings.” She went to her bookshelf, picking up her precious book, the one that she had thrown him about earlier that day, and exhibited the spine to him. “I was born and raised there.” Putting the book down again, carefully, she picked up her pack, searching through it. Alright, yes, she had everything she needed. “Dial in ‘Haradrim’ under disguises, if you will.”
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out again. “Let’s go.” She looked up at Boston, a manic grin on her face, and reached past him, hitting the button on the console to open the portal.
Flashing him that grin again, she went back into her bedroom, giving the quietly playing Farawen a kiss on the cheek. “I’ve got a mission. Someone from the nursery will be here to get you in a minute. Love you, little girl.” With that, she went back to where Boston waited, and took his hand in hers. “Try not to get killed,” she said, and jumped through the portal, dragging Boston after her.
The pair landed in the branches of a large tree, late at night. Az grappled for a secure hold, then helped Boston steady himself, just in time for
Sary
To come barreling at them at full force. Ducking out of the way of the word, Az found herself on the forest floor, groaning a little. That groan was nothing compared to the groan that she let out at the sight that greeted her.
It was a dark night Legolas was walking in the forrest that was next to a tree
Az stared at Legolas - who in this case looked rather like a college student in a bad Halloween costume and badly fitted acrylic wig - as the elf walked along inside the gently floating torso of a cadaver. All the while the Vox Dei of the author’s voice - a high-pitched teenaged girl - boomed over the world of the fic, speaking nonstop. Looking around, Az rubbed at her temples. The whole world looked like an Escher painting.
“What in the hell?” demanded Boston, settling down in the bushes next to Az.
“She… he… Oh.” As the Legolas impersonator stepped out of the cadaver, Az reached forwards, snatching the toe-tag off of the corpse. “ ‘Forrest Greene’,” she read, handing the tag to Boston. “That’s charge one. Bad spelling, causing really disgusting things to happen. I love it when these people screw up this much. Really. It makes it so much oh my god.”
Legolas heard sound from the bushes and go see what it was there was a girl child elf who had lovely blond hair that was long her face was slender round and she was eight years old Legolas fell in love with her immediadly when he met her and took her to live with him
“Muh?” asked Boston, rubbing at his eyes. The girl before them was slightly out of focus, the result of her face shifting between slender and round every other second or so. And then -
“Owch…” complained Az, curling around herself.
after five years Sary was round faced slender eyed 13 year old whose blond hair touched the ground
The scene had just shifted with absolutely no warning, and shot forward five years. “What…?” asked Boston, uncurling himself.
“Time compression. It bloody well hurts. Charge two is turning Legolas into a pedophile, charge three is failing at contradictory descriptions. Charge four is time compression.” Az forced herself to her feet, just in time to hear
Legolas had gone to the library four years ago and read it from a book and immeadly realized that the child was Sary the book had a prophecy it went like this In the coming dark years a Child will be found from the forrest who will destroy the dark lord sauron with her godly innnocence that she got as a present from the gods who her parents will be the Child will be blond haired and slender round faced and will be found in the forrest when she’s eight
Boston reached up, plucking the extra ‘n’ from the word ‘innocence’, and sniffing it a little. “Does this smell like strawberry to you?” he asked, passing it to Az.
Az took the ‘n’, and, without smelling it, tossed it away into undefined blackness. “Don’t mess with those. I hear a pair of agents managed to turn themselves ‘Sueish by eating punctuation. Charge five: Prophesy. Not just that, really badly worded prophesy. Charge six is this little guy here,” she said, picking up a very small Balrog. “This is sauron, he’s a Mini-Balrog.” Pulling out her Remote Activator and pressing a few buttons and rolling a few dials, Az opened up a portal to the OFUM, and shooed the little Mini through. She turned back to the action just in time to have
sorry but I lied my love you are the descendant of gods you have to go to Frodo and take the ring from him
blared over the action. It was starting to sound like defective loudspeaker. This bit of WTF-fodder was supposedly attributed to Legolas, though it was hard for Az to tell.
“Is it just me, or does this girl have absolutely no concept of the quotation mark?” Az demanded, watching helplessly as
Legolas said I’m afraid I can’t becouse I’m dying and then Legolas died
Az twitched, and turned to Boston, with a pained smile. “We have to get that body and take it to medical. They’re not going to like this.” While the Sue was busily having a ‘Big No’ moment, Az scuttled out of her hazy, undefined hiding place, and dragged Legolas’s body back to where Boston waited. Before she could open a portal back to Medical, however, she was being dragged into…
“Frodo’s… Cabin?” she asked, hesitantly.
“Something wrong there?” asked Boston, from his position curled up on the floor of the building, which the Words had chosen to interpret as a picturesque log cabin, the type one would usually see in children’s books about the people who lived in the big woods.
“Yes,” said Az, watching in horror as Frodo, at his usual hobbit size, dragged the Sue into the house and proceeded to pantomime raping the passive, fully clothed girl.
“I’m not sure which is more terrifying,” observed Boston, picking himself up off the floor as Frodo proceeded to hit the Sue on the head with a sheathed sword that was longer than he was tall. “That she’s not resisting, or that this is so…. So…”
Az would never learn what the situation was, however, because at that moment ‘Aragon’ kicked down the door to the cabin. Az stared. ‘Aragon’ appeared to be an aging Viggo Mortensen impersonator in a bad wig and clothing made for someone both taller and thinner. Before Az knew what was happening, Aragon had run Frodo through with his sword - which appeared to be a bad replica of the Movieverse Andúril - and picked up the Sue. This time Az had just enough presence of mind to grab Boston and mash every button on her Remote Activator before being swept off by the Words to wherever they were headed. To her shock, it worked. Aragon walked out the door, leaving Azrael and Boston alone in the cabin with a pair of dead bodies.
“Well then,” she murmured, frowning. “I have no idea what I did, but it worked…” She stood up carefully, and went to pick up the corpse of Frodo. “HQ is not going to like this,” she said, carrying the hobbit back to where Boston sat waiting. Without ceremony, Azrael flopped Frodo’s body down on top of Legolas’, and began looking over her RA. “We should be able to operate in real time, now,” she said, smiling through her teeth at Boston, after checking on the device that Sheong had wheedled away from DoSAT. She had managed, in her panic, to flip the FLF switch on the “Prototype Fic Location Follower Equipped Remote Activator”, as the device was labeled, from “Auto” to “Manual”.
As Azrael skittered around the cabin, Boston watched her carefully. “Okay,” said Az, fiddling with her RA and succeeding in sending the bodies of both Legolas and Frodo into Medical. “Not my fault!” Az shouted through the portal, before closing it. Rummaging in her bag, she pulled out a gallon can of gasoline, and began pouring it on the floorboards.
“What’s that?” demanded Boston, as Az splashed the last of the gasoline on the wall.
“Gasoline,” said Az. “Highly flammable, rather e’splosive fuel. We’re going to burn this place to the ground.”
“Wait, we’re going to burn it? Why?” Boston looked shocked as Azrael pulled a matchbox from her pocket.
“Because it doesn’t belong here. Hobbits don’t generally have cabins, and while Frodo did at one point have a house, he was never alone in it, and it certainly didn’t look like this. Now get out so I can set this geographical aberration on fire.” Pushing Boston out the door, Az leaned down and struck a match on the strip of striker-paper that she had stapled to the side of her boot-heel during her last mission and forgotten about until she had gotten the pyromaniac urge again. Turning to Boston with a sweet smile, she flung the match into the house, and pulled Boston away.
“Okay… what now?” asked Boston, taking a few more steps away from the burning building.
“Now, we wait, and let it burn, so it doesn’t burn anything it’s not supposed to,” said Az, grinning, and sitting down. “Here, I think there’s something edible in my pack.” She rummaged around, and pulled out a plastic bag full of home-made chocolate-peanut-butter cups.
Boston eyed the bag suspiciously. “Sure, I guess? Aren’t we missing something, though?”
“Not really, no,” said Az, shoving half a peanut-butter cup into her cheek and gazing at the Words. “We’re working in Real Time now, so the next thing we have to do is be at ‘Aragon’s home’ and watch out for falling punctuation, but there’s no indication of how long it takes them to get there, and besides, we have a portal generator. For now, we can calm down, clean up, and have a bite to eat. Time jumps hurt.” With that, she handed Boston the bag, and sat back, watching the Uncanon Cabin burn.
“Okay, so we have time.” Boston reached into the bag, pulling out a candy. “So what’s your story? You’re… Not like anyone I’ve met before. You… Tell me about yourself? Where did you come from?”
Az looked at him for a long moment, and then gestured around her. “I, like you, come from a warped interpretation of my home world. This world, in fact. Well, not this one, but a version of the Lord of the Rings. I was created as a throwaway character. Someone to emphasize how evil a character was, and then to die when I went after him for… for something he did.” Shaking her head and digging in her pocket, Az pulled out her stick of kohl, and gave Boston a wan smile. “So, can you hunt?” she asked, hoping her abrupt subject change would take.
Boston looked at her a moment, jaw agape. A quick series of blinks later, he closed his mouth, and nodded. “Yes, I do.”
“Good,” said Az, smearing her kohl on her lips. “You go and get us something we can eat, I’ll go get the three or four charges we can get tonight, and then we can get some sleep… Or something.” With that, she twiddled a few dials on her RA, mashed a few buttons, and slipped through the portal that she successfully generated. It was only then that she realized that she had marked, not the uncanon location of “Aragon’s home”, but someplace that she had hoped not to have to enter again. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the wall of the cave she was standing in, wrapped her arms around herself, and shook.
It only took her a minute to calm down. Or, rather, that’s what she thought, until she whipped out her RA and attempted to dial in the correct coordinates. After dropping the device four or five times, Az sat down, put the RA in her lap, and opened the portal. Staring at it for a moment, Az heaved herself to her feet, and stepped through, pulling herself up to her full height, and pulling out her notepad. She jotted down the charges (Grammar out of left field, Period Peppering, Having Frodo possessed by Sauron, not even the Ring, and questionable under-aged bed-sharing.) and ducked out before the questionable under-aged bed-sharing could turn into anything else.
Slipping through her portal back to their campsite, Az sat down where she stood, wrapping her arms around herself and closing her eyes. This, that little slip-up with the RA, was why she rarely worked in Lord of the Rings. It was just a bad idea.
Picking herself up, Az dusted herself off, and turned around to see… A large, friendly looking dog, curled up next to a fire with four large rabbits roasting over it. “Huh,” said Az, staring at the dog. “I didn’t realize I was gone for so long. Nor that there was a Cute Animal Friend in this fic…”
The dog whined, and got to his feet, trotting away into the darkness. A moment later, Boston wandered back into the circle of firelight, buttoning up his shirt. “Sorry about that,” he said, giving her a limp grin. “That… um… wasn’t a Cute Animal Friend. Well… It was. But… I… That was me.” Taking another few cautious steps toward Az, Boston caught his foot on a root, and, after a brief flurry of activity, ended up twisted around himself on the ground.
“My, you are a clumsy one, aren’t you?” Az asked, extending a hand to him and helping him to his feet.
“Apparently,” said Boston, giving her another sheepish grin. “I’m not really sure, I mean… I don’t really have a history, really.”
The pair of them stood there for a moment, staring awkwardly. And then -
“So you’re a dog, huh?” Az finally broke the silence.
“I started as a Cute Animal Friend.” Boston grinned again, rubbing at the back of his neck and folding his legs up to sit down. “I found dinner, though. Rabbits? My magelet would…” Boston trailed off, frowning. “Never mind. Those aren’t mine.”
Once again in a period of moments, Az was left staring at her new partner. After a few seconds, she smiled, sadly. “I know what you mean,” she said, sitting down next to him and leaning on his shoulder. “I have two vastly different writers. I mean… My Suethor stole her best friend’s character, and turned it into… me. But I can still remember my other history, you know? You know…”
The pair sat in silence, thinking their own thoughts, until the rabbits finished cooking, and then, sated for the moment, stretched out and went to sleep. Both, it seemed, were accustomed to sleeping under the stars. It only took Az half an hour to clear her mind of the problems of the day, and then, before she realized that she was falling asleep, it was day. She never had dreams during her stays in this continuum. Her writer hadn’t bothered to give her dreams.
Reflecting on this, staring up at the sky, Az could not tell whether she was glad or not. She had so many things that she could have had nightmares about, but at the same time… It would have been nice to see Sheong again, even if it was just in a dream.
Shaking those thoughts off, she sat up, brushing herself off and rolling up her sleeping bag. When she was fully packed up, she turned to look at Boston, smiling a little. “Well, once more unto the breach, dear friend?” she asked, and couldn’t help but grin at his dazed confusion. “Never mind,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s a quote out of a play. Means ‘Well, let’s get back at it, shall we?’”
Boston, before Az knew what was happening, had plucked the Remote Activator from her hands, scanned the words, wincing, and dialed in the proper co-ordinance. Giving Az a smile, he bowed to her, gesturing her through the glowing blue portal before them. “I couldn’t sleep,” he explained, with a sheepish grin. “Shall we?”
The pair stepped through the portal, and found themselves in the rather generic looking modern living room of Aragon’s home. “Boston, do you think you can collect the charges? I want to go raid this guy’s fridge.”
“Is that entirely wise?” asked Boston, taking the notebook and pencil that Az offered him. “Are you allowed to do that?”
Az shrugged. “Sure. We’re just going to have to burn this place to the ground, anyway.” Flashing Boston a manic grin, Az wandered off to find the kitchen.
Shaking his head, Boston went in search of the bedroom.
“Wait!” said Az, hurrying back out toward him. “You’ll need this.” She handed him a small folding umbrella, pulling the Velcro tie off of it, and opening it for him before disappearing back into the kitchen.
Boston frowned at the umbrella, shrugged, and put it over his shoulder. Attempting not to trip over anything, he made his way to the door to the bedroom, which the Uncanons had thoughtfully left slightly ajar, and leaned against the wall, listening.
It was soon apparent why his partner had given him the umbrella, as full-stops fell out of the sky like hail. “Great Merciful Mythros,” he muttered, watching as the Sue pulled a sword out of nowhere and gave it to Aragon. “What did she do, just throw ink at the page and put a full-stop wherever it landed?” Making a note for Erratic Grammar and abuse of the period, as well as gross neglect of the Common Comma, Boston sighed, shook his head, and adjusted his umbrella.
Quickly following those charges were Abuse of Hammerspace (he had had to wrack his brain to remember what the term he had been told for that was), creation of the Mini-Balrog Rivandall, claiming to be a god, uncertain dialogue markers which caused both the characters to speak at once, improbably quick love, and, finally (Boston blanched, and turned away), Impossible Sexual Stamina.
Shaking the last of the Full-stops off of the umbrella and closing it, Boston Turned to see Az, a chunk of bread half-hanging out of her mouth, offering him what seemed to be the other half of the loaf.
“Are they really going to have sex until tomorrow morning?” he asked, noting to himself that, given the current hour of the day, that would be an impossibly long time, particularly for a thirteen-year-old.
“Yup. Did you get ‘underaged sex’ in there?” Az took the umbrella, stuffing it back into one of the outside pockets of her backpack. “Tell you what, how about we just portal ahead to… ‘Rivandall’… Hullo there little guy!” She knelt down, extending her arms to the rather pathetic looking Rivandall. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you home as soon as this awful-bad fic is over.”
Boston added “underaged sex” to the charge list, and handed it back to Az. “I think that this is a wise plan,” he said, wincing at the sounds coming from the bedroom. “Please. Yes. Let us leave.”
Rather than portalling directly to Rivandall, however, the pair, and mini, ended up simply portalling to the next morning. They waited until the pair of Uncanons had left, and then Az ran into the house, raiding more out of the refrigerator, and turning on the gas stove. Then, after fifteen minutes or so had passed for enough gas to build up, the little Mini-Balrog ran into and back out of the house. Az, Boston, and Rivandall dove through the portal just in time to not be thrown to the ground by the house exploding.
As she picked herself up off the ground, Az fumbled for her umbrella, knowing that she would need it. The chapter wasn’t over yet, and even if it were, it only got worse from here on out. Putting up her umbrella, Az looked at the tableau before them. “That’s… Eldorna. But… I…” Eldorna, as it happened, was tall, thin, ambiguously gendered, and looked something like Elrond in drag.
And then the Sue took Legolas’s body. From her back.
Az groaned. “It hurts. The hammerspace hurts so bad…”
“It gets worse,” said Boston, as Eldornna said. Legolas is dead. But I will bring him. Back to life. Eldorna said MUISTMOMM and Legolas was alive again. And said. Hello Sary. And kissed her Aragon said. Tsk tsk Legolas. Sary loves me. Legolas said. We have to have a DUEL!!!!!!!
Boston called to the little Mini-Uncanon (who looked like a miniature version of Eldorna), and then put a comforting arm around Az’s shoulders -
And found himself on his back in the courtyard.
All of the characters were staring at them.
“Um…” said Boston, still in shock from being thrown.
“Excuse me,” said Az, dusting herself off. “We are Agents for the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and you… You have been charged with… charged with… hold on for a moment.” She hadn’t been planning on charging them all this quickly, but…
Az cleared her throat. “You are guilty of Gross misspellings, which caused gross-er happenings, Being the child of gods, putting multiple gods in the Lord of the Rings canon, being adopted by Legolas, having Legolas fall in love with you, Killing canon characters, Making Frodo a rapist, creation of the Uncanon “Aragon”, Giving Frodo a cabin, Grammar out of left field, Period Peppering, Having Frodo possessed by Sauron, not even the Ring, and questionable under-aged bed-sharing, Boston, what is this, I can’t read your handwriting.” She passed the notepad to Boston, who continued.
“Erratic Grammar, abuse of the period, gross neglect of the Common Comma, Abuse of Hammerspace, creation of the Mini-Balrog “Rivandall”, claiming to be a god, uncertain dialogue markers which caused both the characters to speak at once, improbably quick love, Impossible Sexual Stamina, underaged sex, Creation of the Uncanon “Eldorna”, creation of the Mini-Uncanon “Eldornna”, Using a stupid magic word, bringing people back to life, myriad other offenses against Canon-”
Az interrupted him. “I’m just glad we stopped this before the massive orgy and the monkey, annoying Agents of the PPC, causing me to throw my partner into the middle of the courtyard, being a bunch of Uncanons, and, Lastly, miss Sary, being a Mary Sue. For these offences, you are all sentenced to death.” With that, Az drew the sword at her waist and, unceremoniously, beheaded the Sue before she had time to react.
“Time for Fire!” she said, grinning, to Boston.
*****
The pair of Agents, both slightly singed, smoke-stained, blood-spattered, and grinning, stepped through the portal back to HQ, as Az began another verse of the Hedgehog Song. The pair of Minis toddled behind them, Eldornna attempting to sing along in a quivery, high-pitched warble.
Rating: M
Obligatory linkage: http://hikaness.deep-ice.com/fics/sarymst.htm
Sporked by: dawnbluewings , as Agents Az and Boston
Notes: Suishness, OOCness, WTFness, BiologyFail, Etc...
Mission 1: Sary
Boston, of course, was not required to wake Azrael up. By the will of the Ironic Overpower, Az woke from restless dreams of her half-formed life before the PPC, just in time to calm down a little before -
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Az jumped, clanged her forehead on the springs of the top bunk, rolled out of bed, and stayed like that for a moment, crouched on all fours, cussing the air around her face into a sickly bluish-gray.
Getting unsteadily to her feet, Az toddled into the main room of her RC, and gave the console a glare. “What does it want?” she asked her new partner, Boston, who stood, dumbfounded, staring at the screen.
“We’ve got a mission. Someone’ll be by shortly to take your daughter to the nursery while we’re gone.” He turned to her with a haunted expression. “I don’t even know this ‘verse, and this is… frightening.”
“What’s the ‘verse?” demanded Az, blinking sleep out of her eyes, running a hand through her hair, and squinting at the console. All she could make out was a massive wall of text.
“Um… Lord of the Rings? Do you know that one?” Boston looked lost, frightened, and very, very pale. “There’s… a monkey…”
Az felt all the sleep drain out of her body. “Yes. Yes, Boston, I know the Lord of the Rings.” She went to her bookshelf, picking up her precious book, the one that she had thrown him about earlier that day, and exhibited the spine to him. “I was born and raised there.” Putting the book down again, carefully, she picked up her pack, searching through it. Alright, yes, she had everything she needed. “Dial in ‘Haradrim’ under disguises, if you will.”
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out again. “Let’s go.” She looked up at Boston, a manic grin on her face, and reached past him, hitting the button on the console to open the portal.
Flashing him that grin again, she went back into her bedroom, giving the quietly playing Farawen a kiss on the cheek. “I’ve got a mission. Someone from the nursery will be here to get you in a minute. Love you, little girl.” With that, she went back to where Boston waited, and took his hand in hers. “Try not to get killed,” she said, and jumped through the portal, dragging Boston after her.
The pair landed in the branches of a large tree, late at night. Az grappled for a secure hold, then helped Boston steady himself, just in time for
Sary
To come barreling at them at full force. Ducking out of the way of the word, Az found herself on the forest floor, groaning a little. That groan was nothing compared to the groan that she let out at the sight that greeted her.
It was a dark night Legolas was walking in the forrest that was next to a tree
Az stared at Legolas - who in this case looked rather like a college student in a bad Halloween costume and badly fitted acrylic wig - as the elf walked along inside the gently floating torso of a cadaver. All the while the Vox Dei of the author’s voice - a high-pitched teenaged girl - boomed over the world of the fic, speaking nonstop. Looking around, Az rubbed at her temples. The whole world looked like an Escher painting.
“What in the hell?” demanded Boston, settling down in the bushes next to Az.
“She… he… Oh.” As the Legolas impersonator stepped out of the cadaver, Az reached forwards, snatching the toe-tag off of the corpse. “ ‘Forrest Greene’,” she read, handing the tag to Boston. “That’s charge one. Bad spelling, causing really disgusting things to happen. I love it when these people screw up this much. Really. It makes it so much oh my god.”
Legolas heard sound from the bushes and go see what it was there was a girl child elf who had lovely blond hair that was long her face was slender round and she was eight years old Legolas fell in love with her immediadly when he met her and took her to live with him
“Muh?” asked Boston, rubbing at his eyes. The girl before them was slightly out of focus, the result of her face shifting between slender and round every other second or so. And then -
“Owch…” complained Az, curling around herself.
after five years Sary was round faced slender eyed 13 year old whose blond hair touched the ground
The scene had just shifted with absolutely no warning, and shot forward five years. “What…?” asked Boston, uncurling himself.
“Time compression. It bloody well hurts. Charge two is turning Legolas into a pedophile, charge three is failing at contradictory descriptions. Charge four is time compression.” Az forced herself to her feet, just in time to hear
Legolas had gone to the library four years ago and read it from a book and immeadly realized that the child was Sary the book had a prophecy it went like this In the coming dark years a Child will be found from the forrest who will destroy the dark lord sauron with her godly innnocence that she got as a present from the gods who her parents will be the Child will be blond haired and slender round faced and will be found in the forrest when she’s eight
Boston reached up, plucking the extra ‘n’ from the word ‘innocence’, and sniffing it a little. “Does this smell like strawberry to you?” he asked, passing it to Az.
Az took the ‘n’, and, without smelling it, tossed it away into undefined blackness. “Don’t mess with those. I hear a pair of agents managed to turn themselves ‘Sueish by eating punctuation. Charge five: Prophesy. Not just that, really badly worded prophesy. Charge six is this little guy here,” she said, picking up a very small Balrog. “This is sauron, he’s a Mini-Balrog.” Pulling out her Remote Activator and pressing a few buttons and rolling a few dials, Az opened up a portal to the OFUM, and shooed the little Mini through. She turned back to the action just in time to have
sorry but I lied my love you are the descendant of gods you have to go to Frodo and take the ring from him
blared over the action. It was starting to sound like defective loudspeaker. This bit of WTF-fodder was supposedly attributed to Legolas, though it was hard for Az to tell.
“Is it just me, or does this girl have absolutely no concept of the quotation mark?” Az demanded, watching helplessly as
Legolas said I’m afraid I can’t becouse I’m dying and then Legolas died
Az twitched, and turned to Boston, with a pained smile. “We have to get that body and take it to medical. They’re not going to like this.” While the Sue was busily having a ‘Big No’ moment, Az scuttled out of her hazy, undefined hiding place, and dragged Legolas’s body back to where Boston waited. Before she could open a portal back to Medical, however, she was being dragged into…
“Frodo’s… Cabin?” she asked, hesitantly.
“Something wrong there?” asked Boston, from his position curled up on the floor of the building, which the Words had chosen to interpret as a picturesque log cabin, the type one would usually see in children’s books about the people who lived in the big woods.
“Yes,” said Az, watching in horror as Frodo, at his usual hobbit size, dragged the Sue into the house and proceeded to pantomime raping the passive, fully clothed girl.
“I’m not sure which is more terrifying,” observed Boston, picking himself up off the floor as Frodo proceeded to hit the Sue on the head with a sheathed sword that was longer than he was tall. “That she’s not resisting, or that this is so…. So…”
Az would never learn what the situation was, however, because at that moment ‘Aragon’ kicked down the door to the cabin. Az stared. ‘Aragon’ appeared to be an aging Viggo Mortensen impersonator in a bad wig and clothing made for someone both taller and thinner. Before Az knew what was happening, Aragon had run Frodo through with his sword - which appeared to be a bad replica of the Movieverse Andúril - and picked up the Sue. This time Az had just enough presence of mind to grab Boston and mash every button on her Remote Activator before being swept off by the Words to wherever they were headed. To her shock, it worked. Aragon walked out the door, leaving Azrael and Boston alone in the cabin with a pair of dead bodies.
“Well then,” she murmured, frowning. “I have no idea what I did, but it worked…” She stood up carefully, and went to pick up the corpse of Frodo. “HQ is not going to like this,” she said, carrying the hobbit back to where Boston sat waiting. Without ceremony, Azrael flopped Frodo’s body down on top of Legolas’, and began looking over her RA. “We should be able to operate in real time, now,” she said, smiling through her teeth at Boston, after checking on the device that Sheong had wheedled away from DoSAT. She had managed, in her panic, to flip the FLF switch on the “Prototype Fic Location Follower Equipped Remote Activator”, as the device was labeled, from “Auto” to “Manual”.
As Azrael skittered around the cabin, Boston watched her carefully. “Okay,” said Az, fiddling with her RA and succeeding in sending the bodies of both Legolas and Frodo into Medical. “Not my fault!” Az shouted through the portal, before closing it. Rummaging in her bag, she pulled out a gallon can of gasoline, and began pouring it on the floorboards.
“What’s that?” demanded Boston, as Az splashed the last of the gasoline on the wall.
“Gasoline,” said Az. “Highly flammable, rather e’splosive fuel. We’re going to burn this place to the ground.”
“Wait, we’re going to burn it? Why?” Boston looked shocked as Azrael pulled a matchbox from her pocket.
“Because it doesn’t belong here. Hobbits don’t generally have cabins, and while Frodo did at one point have a house, he was never alone in it, and it certainly didn’t look like this. Now get out so I can set this geographical aberration on fire.” Pushing Boston out the door, Az leaned down and struck a match on the strip of striker-paper that she had stapled to the side of her boot-heel during her last mission and forgotten about until she had gotten the pyromaniac urge again. Turning to Boston with a sweet smile, she flung the match into the house, and pulled Boston away.
“Okay… what now?” asked Boston, taking a few more steps away from the burning building.
“Now, we wait, and let it burn, so it doesn’t burn anything it’s not supposed to,” said Az, grinning, and sitting down. “Here, I think there’s something edible in my pack.” She rummaged around, and pulled out a plastic bag full of home-made chocolate-peanut-butter cups.
Boston eyed the bag suspiciously. “Sure, I guess? Aren’t we missing something, though?”
“Not really, no,” said Az, shoving half a peanut-butter cup into her cheek and gazing at the Words. “We’re working in Real Time now, so the next thing we have to do is be at ‘Aragon’s home’ and watch out for falling punctuation, but there’s no indication of how long it takes them to get there, and besides, we have a portal generator. For now, we can calm down, clean up, and have a bite to eat. Time jumps hurt.” With that, she handed Boston the bag, and sat back, watching the Uncanon Cabin burn.
“Okay, so we have time.” Boston reached into the bag, pulling out a candy. “So what’s your story? You’re… Not like anyone I’ve met before. You… Tell me about yourself? Where did you come from?”
Az looked at him for a long moment, and then gestured around her. “I, like you, come from a warped interpretation of my home world. This world, in fact. Well, not this one, but a version of the Lord of the Rings. I was created as a throwaway character. Someone to emphasize how evil a character was, and then to die when I went after him for… for something he did.” Shaking her head and digging in her pocket, Az pulled out her stick of kohl, and gave Boston a wan smile. “So, can you hunt?” she asked, hoping her abrupt subject change would take.
Boston looked at her a moment, jaw agape. A quick series of blinks later, he closed his mouth, and nodded. “Yes, I do.”
“Good,” said Az, smearing her kohl on her lips. “You go and get us something we can eat, I’ll go get the three or four charges we can get tonight, and then we can get some sleep… Or something.” With that, she twiddled a few dials on her RA, mashed a few buttons, and slipped through the portal that she successfully generated. It was only then that she realized that she had marked, not the uncanon location of “Aragon’s home”, but someplace that she had hoped not to have to enter again. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the wall of the cave she was standing in, wrapped her arms around herself, and shook.
It only took her a minute to calm down. Or, rather, that’s what she thought, until she whipped out her RA and attempted to dial in the correct coordinates. After dropping the device four or five times, Az sat down, put the RA in her lap, and opened the portal. Staring at it for a moment, Az heaved herself to her feet, and stepped through, pulling herself up to her full height, and pulling out her notepad. She jotted down the charges (Grammar out of left field, Period Peppering, Having Frodo possessed by Sauron, not even the Ring, and questionable under-aged bed-sharing.) and ducked out before the questionable under-aged bed-sharing could turn into anything else.
Slipping through her portal back to their campsite, Az sat down where she stood, wrapping her arms around herself and closing her eyes. This, that little slip-up with the RA, was why she rarely worked in Lord of the Rings. It was just a bad idea.
Picking herself up, Az dusted herself off, and turned around to see… A large, friendly looking dog, curled up next to a fire with four large rabbits roasting over it. “Huh,” said Az, staring at the dog. “I didn’t realize I was gone for so long. Nor that there was a Cute Animal Friend in this fic…”
The dog whined, and got to his feet, trotting away into the darkness. A moment later, Boston wandered back into the circle of firelight, buttoning up his shirt. “Sorry about that,” he said, giving her a limp grin. “That… um… wasn’t a Cute Animal Friend. Well… It was. But… I… That was me.” Taking another few cautious steps toward Az, Boston caught his foot on a root, and, after a brief flurry of activity, ended up twisted around himself on the ground.
“My, you are a clumsy one, aren’t you?” Az asked, extending a hand to him and helping him to his feet.
“Apparently,” said Boston, giving her another sheepish grin. “I’m not really sure, I mean… I don’t really have a history, really.”
The pair of them stood there for a moment, staring awkwardly. And then -
“So you’re a dog, huh?” Az finally broke the silence.
“I started as a Cute Animal Friend.” Boston grinned again, rubbing at the back of his neck and folding his legs up to sit down. “I found dinner, though. Rabbits? My magelet would…” Boston trailed off, frowning. “Never mind. Those aren’t mine.”
Once again in a period of moments, Az was left staring at her new partner. After a few seconds, she smiled, sadly. “I know what you mean,” she said, sitting down next to him and leaning on his shoulder. “I have two vastly different writers. I mean… My Suethor stole her best friend’s character, and turned it into… me. But I can still remember my other history, you know? You know…”
The pair sat in silence, thinking their own thoughts, until the rabbits finished cooking, and then, sated for the moment, stretched out and went to sleep. Both, it seemed, were accustomed to sleeping under the stars. It only took Az half an hour to clear her mind of the problems of the day, and then, before she realized that she was falling asleep, it was day. She never had dreams during her stays in this continuum. Her writer hadn’t bothered to give her dreams.
Reflecting on this, staring up at the sky, Az could not tell whether she was glad or not. She had so many things that she could have had nightmares about, but at the same time… It would have been nice to see Sheong again, even if it was just in a dream.
Shaking those thoughts off, she sat up, brushing herself off and rolling up her sleeping bag. When she was fully packed up, she turned to look at Boston, smiling a little. “Well, once more unto the breach, dear friend?” she asked, and couldn’t help but grin at his dazed confusion. “Never mind,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s a quote out of a play. Means ‘Well, let’s get back at it, shall we?’”
Boston, before Az knew what was happening, had plucked the Remote Activator from her hands, scanned the words, wincing, and dialed in the proper co-ordinance. Giving Az a smile, he bowed to her, gesturing her through the glowing blue portal before them. “I couldn’t sleep,” he explained, with a sheepish grin. “Shall we?”
The pair stepped through the portal, and found themselves in the rather generic looking modern living room of Aragon’s home. “Boston, do you think you can collect the charges? I want to go raid this guy’s fridge.”
“Is that entirely wise?” asked Boston, taking the notebook and pencil that Az offered him. “Are you allowed to do that?”
Az shrugged. “Sure. We’re just going to have to burn this place to the ground, anyway.” Flashing Boston a manic grin, Az wandered off to find the kitchen.
Shaking his head, Boston went in search of the bedroom.
“Wait!” said Az, hurrying back out toward him. “You’ll need this.” She handed him a small folding umbrella, pulling the Velcro tie off of it, and opening it for him before disappearing back into the kitchen.
Boston frowned at the umbrella, shrugged, and put it over his shoulder. Attempting not to trip over anything, he made his way to the door to the bedroom, which the Uncanons had thoughtfully left slightly ajar, and leaned against the wall, listening.
It was soon apparent why his partner had given him the umbrella, as full-stops fell out of the sky like hail. “Great Merciful Mythros,” he muttered, watching as the Sue pulled a sword out of nowhere and gave it to Aragon. “What did she do, just throw ink at the page and put a full-stop wherever it landed?” Making a note for Erratic Grammar and abuse of the period, as well as gross neglect of the Common Comma, Boston sighed, shook his head, and adjusted his umbrella.
Quickly following those charges were Abuse of Hammerspace (he had had to wrack his brain to remember what the term he had been told for that was), creation of the Mini-Balrog Rivandall, claiming to be a god, uncertain dialogue markers which caused both the characters to speak at once, improbably quick love, and, finally (Boston blanched, and turned away), Impossible Sexual Stamina.
Shaking the last of the Full-stops off of the umbrella and closing it, Boston Turned to see Az, a chunk of bread half-hanging out of her mouth, offering him what seemed to be the other half of the loaf.
“Are they really going to have sex until tomorrow morning?” he asked, noting to himself that, given the current hour of the day, that would be an impossibly long time, particularly for a thirteen-year-old.
“Yup. Did you get ‘underaged sex’ in there?” Az took the umbrella, stuffing it back into one of the outside pockets of her backpack. “Tell you what, how about we just portal ahead to… ‘Rivandall’… Hullo there little guy!” She knelt down, extending her arms to the rather pathetic looking Rivandall. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you home as soon as this awful-bad fic is over.”
Boston added “underaged sex” to the charge list, and handed it back to Az. “I think that this is a wise plan,” he said, wincing at the sounds coming from the bedroom. “Please. Yes. Let us leave.”
Rather than portalling directly to Rivandall, however, the pair, and mini, ended up simply portalling to the next morning. They waited until the pair of Uncanons had left, and then Az ran into the house, raiding more out of the refrigerator, and turning on the gas stove. Then, after fifteen minutes or so had passed for enough gas to build up, the little Mini-Balrog ran into and back out of the house. Az, Boston, and Rivandall dove through the portal just in time to not be thrown to the ground by the house exploding.
As she picked herself up off the ground, Az fumbled for her umbrella, knowing that she would need it. The chapter wasn’t over yet, and even if it were, it only got worse from here on out. Putting up her umbrella, Az looked at the tableau before them. “That’s… Eldorna. But… I…” Eldorna, as it happened, was tall, thin, ambiguously gendered, and looked something like Elrond in drag.
And then the Sue took Legolas’s body. From her back.
Az groaned. “It hurts. The hammerspace hurts so bad…”
“It gets worse,” said Boston, as Eldornna said. Legolas is dead. But I will bring him. Back to life. Eldorna said MUISTMOMM and Legolas was alive again. And said. Hello Sary. And kissed her Aragon said. Tsk tsk Legolas. Sary loves me. Legolas said. We have to have a DUEL!!!!!!!
Boston called to the little Mini-Uncanon (who looked like a miniature version of Eldorna), and then put a comforting arm around Az’s shoulders -
And found himself on his back in the courtyard.
All of the characters were staring at them.
“Um…” said Boston, still in shock from being thrown.
“Excuse me,” said Az, dusting herself off. “We are Agents for the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and you… You have been charged with… charged with… hold on for a moment.” She hadn’t been planning on charging them all this quickly, but…
Az cleared her throat. “You are guilty of Gross misspellings, which caused gross-er happenings, Being the child of gods, putting multiple gods in the Lord of the Rings canon, being adopted by Legolas, having Legolas fall in love with you, Killing canon characters, Making Frodo a rapist, creation of the Uncanon “Aragon”, Giving Frodo a cabin, Grammar out of left field, Period Peppering, Having Frodo possessed by Sauron, not even the Ring, and questionable under-aged bed-sharing, Boston, what is this, I can’t read your handwriting.” She passed the notepad to Boston, who continued.
“Erratic Grammar, abuse of the period, gross neglect of the Common Comma, Abuse of Hammerspace, creation of the Mini-Balrog “Rivandall”, claiming to be a god, uncertain dialogue markers which caused both the characters to speak at once, improbably quick love, Impossible Sexual Stamina, underaged sex, Creation of the Uncanon “Eldorna”, creation of the Mini-Uncanon “Eldornna”, Using a stupid magic word, bringing people back to life, myriad other offenses against Canon-”
Az interrupted him. “I’m just glad we stopped this before the massive orgy and the monkey, annoying Agents of the PPC, causing me to throw my partner into the middle of the courtyard, being a bunch of Uncanons, and, Lastly, miss Sary, being a Mary Sue. For these offences, you are all sentenced to death.” With that, Az drew the sword at her waist and, unceremoniously, beheaded the Sue before she had time to react.
“Time for Fire!” she said, grinning, to Boston.
*****
The pair of Agents, both slightly singed, smoke-stained, blood-spattered, and grinning, stepped through the portal back to HQ, as Az began another verse of the Hedgehog Song. The pair of Minis toddled behind them, Eldornna attempting to sing along in a quivery, high-pitched warble.