PPC, Az & Boston, Mission 3: Last of People of the Shadows Pt. 3
By the time they had convinced Orphan to come to them, the FLF whined, and Az dialed in the coordinates for Mirkwood. Piper obligingly picked up Orphan, and they went through the portal.
The scene around the Hall of the Elvenking was, once again, boring. There was talk about Thranduil having “the stature of a man,” and how this was greater than the stature of an Elf, which pissed Az off, and talk about how Serenia looked like a child in comparison, which also pissed Az off.
After Serenia bowed to Thranduil, however, the pair parted, leaving a small Elven girl and a Mini-Balrog where they had just been standing.
“What.” Boston’s face was blank.
“Kin Child,” said Az, wincing. “And Thranduil for the short time formality stands between us. Which might very well take silver for Longest Mini-Name Ever.” She coaxed the Mini and the little girl to her, again with candy. “It’s a good thing that Elven children aren’t told not to take candy from strangers,” she joked, which fell flat, because of course neither Boston nor Piper had heard that admonishment.
Kin Child looked to be about Farawen’s age, and, after a minute or two, started flashing an allusive smile at the grown-ups, and playing with Orphan, who, in comparison, was a few years younger.
When Legolas and Serenia exchanged engagement rings, Az’s eyes widened, and she whistled. “Those little beauties would fetch a fair price on the PPC’s Black Market,” she said, in Boston’s direction. “Enough to keep us all in chocolate for a few months, at least.”
“Done.” That came, not from Boston, but from Piper, who had also been eyeing the rings with interest.
Before any of them knew what was happening, there was a faint ‘click!’, and they were all on the floor, watching
The Shadow
Ch 5
A Marriage in the Woodland Realm
Whiz overhead. Az frowned, and pulled her RA out, looking at the little Fic Location Follower switch on the bottom. It had reset itself to “Auto”.
They were in the same place, and most of the same people were there, but there were more people filtering into the scene, including Elrond, his two sons, his daughter, and Estel. Everyone else seemed to be blurry figures, dancing and singing in the woods.
Az shook her head, got up, and went and got food. The others followed, raiding a large buffet table that appeared out of the misty anti-description. Az nearly dropped her food when Serenia appeared. Her hair, previously a waterfall, was now fire. “Huh.” Az turned her head to one side, trying to get a better look. “This just backs up my theory that she’s a Balrog.”
Rivendell Kinswoman, Weston, and Thranduil for the short time formality stands between us all growled their disapproval.
Piper, who had been standing reading the words, handed her plate to Orphan, and slipped away. “Be right back,” she said, with a cheeky smile.
Az watched as the young woman slipped up next to Serenia, and, carefully, purloined the silver engagement rings as one of the more boring wedding ceremonies that Az had ever seen took place. This was the point at which Thranduil presented Serenia with a Mithril circlet and necklace, set with a blue stone, and Elrond gave a matching necklace to Legolas. “Those would definitely fetch a hefty price,” said Az, with a manic grin.
“Done and done,” said Piper, with a grin right back at her, handing her the silver rings she had pocketed. “You can get her stuff after we kill her. What about Legolas’ things?”
“When we Neuralyze him,” said Az, nodding. “We’ve got to take them away. It’s our duty. They warp canon.” She scanned the Words, and winced. “I would dearly like to skip over the Elf Sex, if that’s okay with you all,” she said, scanning further ahead. “In fact… do we have enough to charge her yet?”
Boston flipped through his notes, pursing his lips. “Possibly.”
“Alright,” said Az, still scanning the Words. “Then add Inappropriate pillow talk, improbable diplomatic skills, making the Spiders of Mirkwood just misunderstood, forming a treaty with said Spiders, constantly talking about how great married Elf Sex is, and let’s skip to chapter seven, shall we?”
Boston scribbled it all down, and herded their new conglomeration of Minis and children through the portal that Az opened.
The chapter heading for chapter seven, 'Dwarves', skidded over head, narrowly missing Piper, again. They were on the edge of a small clearing, where Serenia sat, frozen, waiting for the action to begin.
“Boston, write down impossibly accurate Woman’s Intuition. I don’t care who you are, you do not know that you are pregnant the instant that you conceive.” A moment later, she added “And charge for Legolas letting his pregnant wife out alone. I don’t care. He wouldn’t. It’s dangerous.”
Boston paced, writing the charges down. “Should I charge for her singing making vines move?”
“Yes.” It came from both Az and Piper.
Boston also scribbled down “Being five-sixths of the way to giving birth and barely showing,” before
She gently hummed as she wove the vines together making a basket that was big enough for an infant elf-child to sleep in. She was very much into her task and did not know there was another nearby until he stumbled into the small clearing area after tripping on a stick.
The ironic overpower, fresh from its nap, put a stick in front of Boston, who tripped over it, falling into the clearing.
He sprawled on the earth and tried to get out, but stumbled again. He then looked up and saw the lady before him. Their eyes locked. Boston, with no wish to let her know their intentions yet, put his mind into that of his dog-form, thinking about sticks and how fun they were to chase.
She rose to her feet. "Stranger…" She greeted.
Az, meanwhile, had taken the opportunity to sneak around behind Serenia, and grabbed her around the chest. “Go easy now, miss, and we might not kill your baby.” It was an empty threat. Az knew it was. But it was the best one that she could think of, at the moment.
“No, do not harm my child!” Serenia wailed, struggling in Az’s grasp. “She is the last hope of my people!”
Piper, on cue, came out of the forest with a length of rope, binding the Sue and, carefully, taking off her jewelry. “Miss, I’m your ilk, and you even annoyed me!”
Az sat the Sue down, and bound her securely. “Serenia, we are Agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. You are a Mary Sue.”
“I am the Princess of Mirkwood! The Last of People of the Shadows! The last hope of my people!” the Sue was still struggling, attempting to get free and win over Az.
“That’s what I just said,” said Az, testily. “Boston, charge her.”
Boston took a deep breath, and read: “By the power vested in my by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum and the Canon Protection Initiative, I hereby charge you with the following crimes: Having bad title grammar, Concussing an Agent of the PPC, Not realizing that chapter one and the prologue are two different entities, Consistently leaving out words, Redundancy, Making up a new race of Elves because the normal Elves weren’t Speshul enough, The genocide of this new race of Elves, Being the last of them, Being the last hope of them, Being so Speshul that Sauron wants you alive,” Boston paused, and took a deep breath before continuing. “Drowning Wargs, Creation of the Mini-Balrog Rivendell Kinswoman, Missing the big picture entirely, Having hair like a waterfall, Wearing a camouflage snuggie, Having ‘Willow thin arms’, lobotomizing characters,” another deep breath, “Crippling Estel, Being raised as a child of Elrond, Being able to teleport, Growing roots, Completely misunderstanding the meaning of myth, Turning into a leaf, Completely missing the point of Elven marriage, Causing a day to be braided and wrapped around your head, Creation of the Secretive Mushroom,” Boston was looking rather pale now, “Creation of the Mini-Balrog Weston, Turning Legolas into a pedophile, Rushing into engagement after only knowing each other a few hours, Causing Legolas to pretend to be a wig, Growing tentacles, Creation of Orphan the orphan, Assertation that Elves are shorter than Men,” Another breath, “Creation of Kin Child, Creation of Thranduil for the short time formality stands between us the Mini-Balrog, Having fire hair, Inappropriate pillow talk,” Boston was speaking for shorter and shorter intervals between breathes. “Improbable diplomatic skills, Making the Spiders of Mirkwood just misunderstood, Forming a treaty with said Spiders, Constantly talking about how great married Elf Sex is, Impossibly Accurate woman’s intuition, Legolas letting his pregnant wife out alone, Making vines move with song, Being five-sixths of the way to giving birth and barely showing, And being a Mary Sue.” He finally stopped, panting hard.
“The punishment for these crimes is death,” said Az, and then turned to Boston. “You take the kids and the Neuralyzer and go take care of Legolas. I’ll deal with this.”
“What about my baby?” wailed the Sue.
Az turned back to her. “Oh, don’t worry. We don’t kill kids.”
Boston did not want to see how this would be accomplished. Instead, he took the Neuralyzer, and hustled Piper and the children they had collected through the portal that Az dialed up for them. He heard the Sue scream, cut off just a half-second before the portal closed.
Neuralyzing and robbing Legolas was the work of only a few minutes, but by the time they had finished, Az was waiting for them in the hallway, slightly blood-spattered, with a tiny infant sleeping in her arms, and the Sue’s dress poking out of her backpack. “Let’s go Neuralyze the others,” she said, quietly. “And then get the little ones to the Nursery.”
***
The woman behind the desk at the nursery smiled as wide as a crocodile when Az trundled up with a herd of children. “My how your family is growing. I’ll get the paperwork set up,” she said, bending over to talk to the little boy, who was sucking his thumb, looking up at her with wide blue eyes. “And what is your name, little boy?”
*Pop!* the thumb popped out. “Orlando!” he said, with a smile as bright as sunshine.
“That’s a nice name,” said the nurse, writing it down. “And you, little girl?”
“Mackinsey Childe…” She, too, smiled up at the nurse, from behind Az’s pant leg.
“A very nice name…” She looked meaningfully at the little bundle in Az’s arms.
Az looked down at it, and then back to the nurse. “This is Helena. She’s ten months into a twelve month gestation, and I would be grateful if she were put in an incubator until she’s full-term.” She turned back to look at Boston and Piper, who gave her a reassuring smile and a forceful glare, respectively. “We’ll be taking care of Orlando and Kinsey in our RC, but will need daycare for them and Farawen while we’re on missions, as per usual.” She hadn’t had any intentions of actually keeping three new children, but her partners had been… insistent, to say the least.
“Very good. Sign here, please.” The nurse pushed a piece of paper toward her, and she scanned it before signing. She was not prepared for what she saw.
“Piper?” she asked, turning to look at the girl. “Who said we were adopting you, too?”
Piper gave Az her best sweet, innocent, Sue smile. “The nice lady here and the nice lady in FicPsych. I am under-aged, you know…”
The scene around the Hall of the Elvenking was, once again, boring. There was talk about Thranduil having “the stature of a man,” and how this was greater than the stature of an Elf, which pissed Az off, and talk about how Serenia looked like a child in comparison, which also pissed Az off.
After Serenia bowed to Thranduil, however, the pair parted, leaving a small Elven girl and a Mini-Balrog where they had just been standing.
“What.” Boston’s face was blank.
“Kin Child,” said Az, wincing. “And Thranduil for the short time formality stands between us. Which might very well take silver for Longest Mini-Name Ever.” She coaxed the Mini and the little girl to her, again with candy. “It’s a good thing that Elven children aren’t told not to take candy from strangers,” she joked, which fell flat, because of course neither Boston nor Piper had heard that admonishment.
Kin Child looked to be about Farawen’s age, and, after a minute or two, started flashing an allusive smile at the grown-ups, and playing with Orphan, who, in comparison, was a few years younger.
When Legolas and Serenia exchanged engagement rings, Az’s eyes widened, and she whistled. “Those little beauties would fetch a fair price on the PPC’s Black Market,” she said, in Boston’s direction. “Enough to keep us all in chocolate for a few months, at least.”
“Done.” That came, not from Boston, but from Piper, who had also been eyeing the rings with interest.
Before any of them knew what was happening, there was a faint ‘click!’, and they were all on the floor, watching
The Shadow
Ch 5
A Marriage in the Woodland Realm
Whiz overhead. Az frowned, and pulled her RA out, looking at the little Fic Location Follower switch on the bottom. It had reset itself to “Auto”.
They were in the same place, and most of the same people were there, but there were more people filtering into the scene, including Elrond, his two sons, his daughter, and Estel. Everyone else seemed to be blurry figures, dancing and singing in the woods.
Az shook her head, got up, and went and got food. The others followed, raiding a large buffet table that appeared out of the misty anti-description. Az nearly dropped her food when Serenia appeared. Her hair, previously a waterfall, was now fire. “Huh.” Az turned her head to one side, trying to get a better look. “This just backs up my theory that she’s a Balrog.”
Rivendell Kinswoman, Weston, and Thranduil for the short time formality stands between us all growled their disapproval.
Piper, who had been standing reading the words, handed her plate to Orphan, and slipped away. “Be right back,” she said, with a cheeky smile.
Az watched as the young woman slipped up next to Serenia, and, carefully, purloined the silver engagement rings as one of the more boring wedding ceremonies that Az had ever seen took place. This was the point at which Thranduil presented Serenia with a Mithril circlet and necklace, set with a blue stone, and Elrond gave a matching necklace to Legolas. “Those would definitely fetch a hefty price,” said Az, with a manic grin.
“Done and done,” said Piper, with a grin right back at her, handing her the silver rings she had pocketed. “You can get her stuff after we kill her. What about Legolas’ things?”
“When we Neuralyze him,” said Az, nodding. “We’ve got to take them away. It’s our duty. They warp canon.” She scanned the Words, and winced. “I would dearly like to skip over the Elf Sex, if that’s okay with you all,” she said, scanning further ahead. “In fact… do we have enough to charge her yet?”
Boston flipped through his notes, pursing his lips. “Possibly.”
“Alright,” said Az, still scanning the Words. “Then add Inappropriate pillow talk, improbable diplomatic skills, making the Spiders of Mirkwood just misunderstood, forming a treaty with said Spiders, constantly talking about how great married Elf Sex is, and let’s skip to chapter seven, shall we?”
Boston scribbled it all down, and herded their new conglomeration of Minis and children through the portal that Az opened.
The chapter heading for chapter seven, 'Dwarves', skidded over head, narrowly missing Piper, again. They were on the edge of a small clearing, where Serenia sat, frozen, waiting for the action to begin.
“Boston, write down impossibly accurate Woman’s Intuition. I don’t care who you are, you do not know that you are pregnant the instant that you conceive.” A moment later, she added “And charge for Legolas letting his pregnant wife out alone. I don’t care. He wouldn’t. It’s dangerous.”
Boston paced, writing the charges down. “Should I charge for her singing making vines move?”
“Yes.” It came from both Az and Piper.
Boston also scribbled down “Being five-sixths of the way to giving birth and barely showing,” before
She gently hummed as she wove the vines together making a basket that was big enough for an infant elf-child to sleep in. She was very much into her task and did not know there was another nearby until he stumbled into the small clearing area after tripping on a stick.
The ironic overpower, fresh from its nap, put a stick in front of Boston, who tripped over it, falling into the clearing.
He sprawled on the earth and tried to get out, but stumbled again. He then looked up and saw the lady before him. Their eyes locked. Boston, with no wish to let her know their intentions yet, put his mind into that of his dog-form, thinking about sticks and how fun they were to chase.
She rose to her feet. "Stranger…" She greeted.
Az, meanwhile, had taken the opportunity to sneak around behind Serenia, and grabbed her around the chest. “Go easy now, miss, and we might not kill your baby.” It was an empty threat. Az knew it was. But it was the best one that she could think of, at the moment.
“No, do not harm my child!” Serenia wailed, struggling in Az’s grasp. “She is the last hope of my people!”
Piper, on cue, came out of the forest with a length of rope, binding the Sue and, carefully, taking off her jewelry. “Miss, I’m your ilk, and you even annoyed me!”
Az sat the Sue down, and bound her securely. “Serenia, we are Agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. You are a Mary Sue.”
“I am the Princess of Mirkwood! The Last of People of the Shadows! The last hope of my people!” the Sue was still struggling, attempting to get free and win over Az.
“That’s what I just said,” said Az, testily. “Boston, charge her.”
Boston took a deep breath, and read: “By the power vested in my by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum and the Canon Protection Initiative, I hereby charge you with the following crimes: Having bad title grammar, Concussing an Agent of the PPC, Not realizing that chapter one and the prologue are two different entities, Consistently leaving out words, Redundancy, Making up a new race of Elves because the normal Elves weren’t Speshul enough, The genocide of this new race of Elves, Being the last of them, Being the last hope of them, Being so Speshul that Sauron wants you alive,” Boston paused, and took a deep breath before continuing. “Drowning Wargs, Creation of the Mini-Balrog Rivendell Kinswoman, Missing the big picture entirely, Having hair like a waterfall, Wearing a camouflage snuggie, Having ‘Willow thin arms’, lobotomizing characters,” another deep breath, “Crippling Estel, Being raised as a child of Elrond, Being able to teleport, Growing roots, Completely misunderstanding the meaning of myth, Turning into a leaf, Completely missing the point of Elven marriage, Causing a day to be braided and wrapped around your head, Creation of the Secretive Mushroom,” Boston was looking rather pale now, “Creation of the Mini-Balrog Weston, Turning Legolas into a pedophile, Rushing into engagement after only knowing each other a few hours, Causing Legolas to pretend to be a wig, Growing tentacles, Creation of Orphan the orphan, Assertation that Elves are shorter than Men,” Another breath, “Creation of Kin Child, Creation of Thranduil for the short time formality stands between us the Mini-Balrog, Having fire hair, Inappropriate pillow talk,” Boston was speaking for shorter and shorter intervals between breathes. “Improbable diplomatic skills, Making the Spiders of Mirkwood just misunderstood, Forming a treaty with said Spiders, Constantly talking about how great married Elf Sex is, Impossibly Accurate woman’s intuition, Legolas letting his pregnant wife out alone, Making vines move with song, Being five-sixths of the way to giving birth and barely showing, And being a Mary Sue.” He finally stopped, panting hard.
“The punishment for these crimes is death,” said Az, and then turned to Boston. “You take the kids and the Neuralyzer and go take care of Legolas. I’ll deal with this.”
“What about my baby?” wailed the Sue.
Az turned back to her. “Oh, don’t worry. We don’t kill kids.”
Boston did not want to see how this would be accomplished. Instead, he took the Neuralyzer, and hustled Piper and the children they had collected through the portal that Az dialed up for them. He heard the Sue scream, cut off just a half-second before the portal closed.
Neuralyzing and robbing Legolas was the work of only a few minutes, but by the time they had finished, Az was waiting for them in the hallway, slightly blood-spattered, with a tiny infant sleeping in her arms, and the Sue’s dress poking out of her backpack. “Let’s go Neuralyze the others,” she said, quietly. “And then get the little ones to the Nursery.”
***
The woman behind the desk at the nursery smiled as wide as a crocodile when Az trundled up with a herd of children. “My how your family is growing. I’ll get the paperwork set up,” she said, bending over to talk to the little boy, who was sucking his thumb, looking up at her with wide blue eyes. “And what is your name, little boy?”
*Pop!* the thumb popped out. “Orlando!” he said, with a smile as bright as sunshine.
“That’s a nice name,” said the nurse, writing it down. “And you, little girl?”
“Mackinsey Childe…” She, too, smiled up at the nurse, from behind Az’s pant leg.
“A very nice name…” She looked meaningfully at the little bundle in Az’s arms.
Az looked down at it, and then back to the nurse. “This is Helena. She’s ten months into a twelve month gestation, and I would be grateful if she were put in an incubator until she’s full-term.” She turned back to look at Boston and Piper, who gave her a reassuring smile and a forceful glare, respectively. “We’ll be taking care of Orlando and Kinsey in our RC, but will need daycare for them and Farawen while we’re on missions, as per usual.” She hadn’t had any intentions of actually keeping three new children, but her partners had been… insistent, to say the least.
“Very good. Sign here, please.” The nurse pushed a piece of paper toward her, and she scanned it before signing. She was not prepared for what she saw.
“Piper?” she asked, turning to look at the girl. “Who said we were adopting you, too?”
Piper gave Az her best sweet, innocent, Sue smile. “The nice lady here and the nice lady in FicPsych. I am under-aged, you know…”