The best birthday present of all: Epiphany
The long version (warning, rambling ensues! skip to the short version if you don't care about the details):
Man, that God is one tricky fellow. But, in the end, he gave me one birthday present that is worth far more than any birthday haul: an epiphany. Just like when I woke up and realized I fucked everything up, I woke up today and realized the key I needed to move on. It was quite simple, really: I just don't give a fuck anymore. ^_^ If Ruth and Jess are incapable of seeing the world as anything but black and white, and see that nothing changes except themselves, then there's really no point trying to hammer the truth into their stubborn skulls. They assume that I fall within the limits of thier experience with men, without the concept that I just might fall OUTSIDE their other experiences, being a different person. Jess said she kept making an effort not to pull her hair out from trying to understand. If she had actually listened or made an effort to understand, she wouldn't have had the urge to pull her hair out for not understanding. Or, another way: everything's grey and I know it damn well, yet somehow (mainly through my own mistakes) I'm black in their black and white reality. It's almost funny: Jess is the one who told me not to think of myself on the same level as Brian and Zac, and now tells me that that's how she and Ruth see me. After going so far as to tell me I'm not. They even use the fact of my caring as a reason to keep me in that category, instead of seeing that it actually removes me from their assumption. Ah, irony, God's blessed tool, you seem to have sated yourself. Anyway, as I said, trying to get any of this across to them just causes headaches all around, as we have seen. After realizing that it's not worth anyone's time or effort (including my own) to even CARE what they think of me...it's kinda weird, actually: that space where I had emotions that felt like they were a raging storm is now eerily quiet, a calm sensation. If they can be happy hating people mindlessly and making up excuses to do so regardless of fact...well, they say ignorance is bliss, so more power to them. The truth stares them in the face and they deny it exists (rather vocally)...Well, I'm glad I'm not a part of that world anymore, and really feel kind of dumb for ever WANTING to be a part of it. I'd say I'm not being insulting or condescending, and my tone is "matter-of-fact," but they wouldn't believe me anyway. I'd even say that they don't have to worry about me doing anything, but they didn't believe that BEFORE when it was true, there's not really much hope of them believing it now. Meanwhile, I'm going to go live life the way I've been living it, minus the continual guilt-trips and stressing out. ^_^ God may be about two-and-a-half years late on this prayer, but considering his past track-record (heck, just read the Bible), I consider that lightning speed for a response =D. Oh, and I honestly don't give a damn what anyone else thinks, either ^_^
The short version:
I don't give a damn what Ruth or Jess think of me anymore, since there's nothing I can do to change it, and am really just sorry that I ever cared about someone or called someone friend who can't realize that people change. I am now living life without guilt/stress trips or obsession. Not they'll ever believe me: after all, they're too stubbron to see change. And no, I don't care what anyone thinks. ^_^