(no subject)
i wish i could rant on about how fucking stupid everyone is but, unfortunately, i've sorta been there and done that.
i sat outside livehouse earlier, drinking some shitty beers with nate and company. i guess it was alright. it would've been great had i not had this premature headache feeling which is still in sort of a limbo stage. it also would've been great had i not felt so damn lonely the whole night. and fat. shit, there's nothing like a bad night of drinking in a brightly lit alley to make you feel self conscious. i don't know. i hate clever people. i hate slutty people, girls especially. but then again, boys can be just as bad. i hate how stupid i am and how stupid i will remain. how people keep feeding your brain bullshit and not realizing all teh harm they are causing it. i seeing it and just not caring as long as they can escape the conversation in your good graces. long term effects don't really matter because, in the long run, they won't ever be seeing you again. all that shit comes spilling out again.
the second you're single all chaos comes crashing back down on you and all you can want is the stability and comfort back. i didn't think starting from square one would be so damn difficult, so depressing and critical. i figured i had my confidence level up, my self security and some sort of assurance. i don't and probably won't ever. i'm now precariously walking the edge of a sidewalk, dangling between a busy street and a safe walkway. busy tumon traffic honking and screaming obscenities, not really caring about whether i live or die, but whether or not i'll fall into the path of their speeding SUV. the only thing that matters is the legal red tape they'll have to cut through.
i jumped from inside to out, tonight. wandering, briefly, into livehouse to stare at the white men in tight shirts and the drunken whores dangling of their shoulders. most of the time was spent outside, sitting on those crazy stairs that led up to the back entrance of that lobster/steak restaurant, juggling a bottle of water, a bud light and a cigarette.
how am i doing? great.
i sat outside livehouse earlier, drinking some shitty beers with nate and company. i guess it was alright. it would've been great had i not had this premature headache feeling which is still in sort of a limbo stage. it also would've been great had i not felt so damn lonely the whole night. and fat. shit, there's nothing like a bad night of drinking in a brightly lit alley to make you feel self conscious. i don't know. i hate clever people. i hate slutty people, girls especially. but then again, boys can be just as bad. i hate how stupid i am and how stupid i will remain. how people keep feeding your brain bullshit and not realizing all teh harm they are causing it. i seeing it and just not caring as long as they can escape the conversation in your good graces. long term effects don't really matter because, in the long run, they won't ever be seeing you again. all that shit comes spilling out again.
the second you're single all chaos comes crashing back down on you and all you can want is the stability and comfort back. i didn't think starting from square one would be so damn difficult, so depressing and critical. i figured i had my confidence level up, my self security and some sort of assurance. i don't and probably won't ever. i'm now precariously walking the edge of a sidewalk, dangling between a busy street and a safe walkway. busy tumon traffic honking and screaming obscenities, not really caring about whether i live or die, but whether or not i'll fall into the path of their speeding SUV. the only thing that matters is the legal red tape they'll have to cut through.
i jumped from inside to out, tonight. wandering, briefly, into livehouse to stare at the white men in tight shirts and the drunken whores dangling of their shoulders. most of the time was spent outside, sitting on those crazy stairs that led up to the back entrance of that lobster/steak restaurant, juggling a bottle of water, a bud light and a cigarette.
how am i doing? great.