(no subject)
ok so tonight i was supposed to go to the movies with daniel, but then his parents decided to be retarded and not let him go out anywhere. i was excited because i haven't seen him in a long time, and he's like one of the only people that actually wants to do something with me. so, instead of going out, i stayed home. and did nothing productive. i'm so annoyed at parents recently. like my dad is putting forth no effort to achieve the relationship he claimed to want. my mom is just plain annoying. then daniel's, obviously, for not letting him go out. i don't know i think i'm cursed or something. whenever things are within reach, they disappear, without me having time to grab onto them. let's see, recently i've lost so many people. and i'm just gonna be open with it because i doubt many people are actually reading anyways. ok so the dad thing was first. then sharon, who was my best friend at school and we hung out all the time, and i haven't really talked to since we had a fight thing, and it's sad that our friendship totally ended in one day, and it doesn't seem that she misses it either. then there was chas. that ended in a day too. basically he went through the whole "i dont have time for you" thing, and basically was a big jerk to me. and all the sudden said "i don't feel a connection like that anymore.. i can't hold onto something for that long.. and i'm gonna move on" so yeah it was kinda harsh. just a tidbit. he had the completely wrong impression of me. he thought i wanted a relationship like, a bf/gf one or something, which i didnt really, and that i wanted to see him all the time and was like constantly nagging him about not seeing him. apparently that got old. and the whole homecoming thing is obviously off. and i haven't talked to his friend alex since, and i had enjoyed talking to him before. he was pretty cool. i don't know, everything just got way messed up. and then kristen.. i havent lost her or anything but we havent really hung out in a while and she's hung out with other people (which is totally fine, but i'm feeling like i don't compare to those people..) and i don't know.. i need her now though more than ever. so, to tell you the truth, at one point during all this i was like.. hmmm what reason is there to get up in the morning? i really couldnt think of anything. daniel was there though, and he helped me.. thank you for that. so now i'm trying to adjust. being home all weekend or with my family is weird. i don't particularly enjoy them, so it's not too fun. all i've done the past two weekends is sit on the computer or watch tv or eat. mainly eat. actually i just weighed myself out of curiousity and i've gained like 4 pounds in the past week or so. i never gain weight. i guess i just haven't cared. like school is stressful, because of the academic and social aspects. but mainly the social. i feel like i went from having all i wanted, to having all i didn't want. or something. i think i'm just one of the people who don't do well with change. i think nowadays i'm just going through the motions. not enjoying life. not having things to look forward to other than watching soap operas. that shouldnt be my reason to get through the day. and the things that used to make me happy can't even make me smirk anymore. like taking pictures, or listening to country music. nothing. i don't like who i am. i'm just lost right now. i'm not looking to be told what to do, or to be told what i'm doing wrong. i need to find myself, and learn to like who that is. i just realized that i don't give people enough credit for things, like i need to thank kristen, daniel, taylor, nivin.. just for being there for me. i don't know what i would do without you guys. wow this is long. i didn't intend to write this much at all.. oh well. i think it's helped. thank you to anyone who read this, or anyone that cares.