Laura Watches Twilight, Part 4
Part 4: In Which This Goes From Bad to Worse and Our Heroes Stare at Each Other For No Real Reason
So Bella FINALLY figures out Edward is a vampire and not Spider Man, because she’s the only person in the universe who doesn’t know the premise of Twilight because she is an idiot. The music gets all uplifting and dramatic and shit, and they go off to walk in the woods.
Because I go walking in the woods with people who want to eat me all the fucking time, right? We all do.
Well, she kind of just randomly up and leaves the schoolyard and Edward follows her. Not a stalker at all. I don’t get the up and leaving, though. It’s all, I NEED TO THINK, I WILL WALK AWAY DRAMATICALLY INTO AN UNINHABITED FOREST NOW. Who does that, really?
So according to Bella, along with having “incredible speed” and “skin that is pale white and ice cold”, Edward’s eye’s change colour and he talks like he’s from a different time. I haven’t seen his eyes change colour yet, but with contacts that cheap it’s hard to tell, and yes, he does speak like he’s from a different time: 1988, if you want to be exact.
And I don’t get this bullshit about not going out in the sunlight. The Cullens don’t go out when it’s BRIGHT sunlight. Clearly, in the daytime, despite it being cloudy, there is enough sun poking through the clouds to make it daylight. Hence the LIGHT part of the phrase. We can still see things clearly when it’s cloudy during the day. The sun has not set, therefore it is still out in the sky. Its power is diminished, but it’s not fucking gone, and Edward should be burning up right now. Well, except he doesn’t burn up, he does something else. Shh, it’s coming soon.
“I know what you are.”
“SAY IT. OUT LOUD. TELL ME BECAUSE I TOTALLY FORGOT AND I LIKE SOUNDING CREEPY.”
“FROG MAN BARFY MCBARF VAMPIRE.”
Now he’s grabbed her, thrown her over his back like an Irish peasant hauling a sack of potatoes, and they’re racing to where it’s sunnier so he can show her his OSSUM DAYLIGHT FORM. Special effects are terrible, look like low-budget 1990’s CGI, probably to skimp on costs, etc etc.
There is one perfect spotlight of sun in a clearing for perfect Edward, and he glitters and sparkles, and it’s ridiculous, we all know this, but did you know IT HAS A SOUND? IT SOUNDS LIKE WIND CHIMES. SPARKLES DO NOT MAKE A SOUND.
Trust me, I made enough glitter Valentine’s Day cards when I was four years old, I know that sparkles do not make a noise. If anything, it would be the sound of my mother getting pissed at me for spilling glitter all over her new carpet.
And Edward is all, “THIS IS WHAT WE ARE,” and I’m like, “...What, glittery? Dude, no one’s going to know you’re a vampire if they see you glitter, they’ll just think you went to a gay club last night and didn’t shower. Judging by the state of your greasy hair, at least one of those statements is true.”
Edward tells her that he’s so fucking hot (apparently he even SMELLS good, what smells so good it makes people want to automatically fuck him, that cinnamon soap at Lush?) everyone flocks to him and he’s totes a scary killar. Right, Edward, I believe you. Want to help me make more sparkly Valentine’s cards? I see you’ve already started, however.
And there’s lots of shots of Edward running about at super speed and jumping and climbing trees with that horrible fast motion blur and generally just acting like a small child on a sugar high and talking about all the badass things he can do. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. God, these two have no sexual chemistry. They just lean in towards each other all the time and awkwardly breathe heavily.
What is this “lion falling in love with the lamb” bullshit? Why is it so intriguing that Twilight fans get the thing TATTOOED on them?
Okay, so they’re lying in a meadow, more awkward staring, more breathing on each other, the sun comes out and Edward glitters, moar wind chimes, soaring music, blah blah blah, this is sexy why?
More narration, and Bella states how she’s unconditionally, “irrevocably” in love with him. Srsly, I can’t even spell that word. I had to get the spellchecker to fix it for me. We still haven’t been told why this is, or why Bella felt the need to use an SAT word to describe it. He saved her life twice, and all, but it was because she was a bumbling dumbshit who likes to hang out in busy parking lots and walk through darkened alleys in towns full of drunken frat boys.
Everyone in the town is just flipping their goddamn shit that Bella is going out with Edward, and we’ve got the music all triumphant as Edward holds the car door open for her (of course).
Is there a law that states that every time the movie needs to illustrate the past, it looks like a sepia-toned Charlie Chaplin short? It’s a flashback, we get it. We also get that Dr. Cullen gets insanely turned on by vampirism, judging by all the orgasmic faces he makes every time he turns someone.
It’s kind of funny, too, how Edward says “vegetarians” and “surviving off the blood of animals” in the same sentence, because I was under the impression that actual vegetarianism was the exact fucking opposite.
Edward drives by Jacob’s dad in his car and they trade vomit faces. I don’t know why all the actors confuse rage with nausea constantly.
Jacob’s dad also reveals he is aware wild animals did not kill those random stock characters. He doesn’t say who, exactly, but I suspect it is the cold ones - specifically, the six pack in Charlie’s hands. Alcohol kills, you know.