Laura Watches Twilight, Part 5
Part 5: I Can’t Think Up Amusing Titles Anymore, Someone Please Destroy Me and Scatter My Ashes to the Winds
So Bella is going to visit Edward’s pretend vampire family now. He feels the need to speed to the car door randomly, and is clearly overcompensating. You know what they say about vampires.
The vampires are cooking for Bella. Making Italian food, to be specific, because Bella might be Italian. Because her name is Bella, lol. No, Cullens, she’s just a Mary Sue whose author literally named her “Beautiful Swan.”
Why hasn’t Meyer been shot yet?
Edward’s “sister”, Rosalie, with the bad blonde dye job, is a pissy bitch who breaks a bowl between her hands (I’m also fairly sure it was pre-cracked and she had to do it herself, for a minute there she actually had to struggle to destroy that fucker) because she finds out Bella already ate and doesn’t want their shitty imitation Italian food. Alice SMELLS her and is accompanied by quirky music wherever she walks, because she’s just so WEIRD, right? I actually haven’t seen any evidence of this, she just seems more upbeat than everyone else in Forks, which I suppose makes her a freak who doesn’t break bowls for no reason.
And Jasper is part of that quickly growing circle of people in this movie who actually looks mentally deranged all the fucking time. Seriously, what is WRONG with him? Is he slowly being strangled by his shirt collar? Has he not been to the bathroom in thousands of years? Well, he’s a vampire, so probably not I suppose.
Of course no real reason is given to the fact that the Cullens repeat high school over and over. Robert Pattinson actually mumbles the line, probably because even he thinks it’s so fucking stupid. Some bullshit about getting to start over fresh in different towns. They all look twenty-something years old, why aren’t they out getting awesome jobs or something instead?
This whole high school business is such a weird plot hole. Don’t you need IDs to enrol in high school? Do they have lots of fake birth certificates made for each different high school they attend with a birthdate that makes them the proper age? Do they change names? What happens when they get entered into the school board system? Isn’t some principal going to eventually discover one day that Edward Cullen went to Forks High School in 2005 and North Dakota High School, or what have you, in 1954?
Whatever, I’m shovelling logic aside from here on in.
Of course Edward listens to classical music and dances with Bella to it. Of course he’s a perfect dancer. Not really, actually, as they’re kind of just swaying awkwardly. But classical music is too boring for us hip teens, so let’s go tree-climbing, Edward-style!
Speaking of hip, he calls her “spider monkey.” Oh, okay. That is perfectly believable and in no way something real people don’t ever fucking say. Technically, he more closely resembles a spider monkey, scuttling up trees and what have you. Once they get up a tree, they proceed to stare at each other more, we get a montage of them chatting (or probably just trading romantic quips, its not like Bella has any interesting things to discuss), then Bella watches Edward playing piano and looks like she’s about to come.
Blah blah, Charlie on the trail of baddies, blah blah evil vampires, blah blah Mike telling Bella Edward is weird because he looks at her like she’s something to eat (which is kind of true, really). All of these characters and events are far more interesting than Edward and Bella staring at each other for hours, but these two scenes together take up no more than a minute and a half, seriously.
At the diner where Bella meets up for lunch with Charlie, seated right at the front counter is the perpetrator of this fail mountain, fat lolcow Stephenie Meyer lol fat. I thought cameos were supposed to be more understated? The focus of the frame is completely on her as the waitress says “Here’s your veggie plate, Stephenie.” (yeah, I am so sure)
I’m surprised the waitress doesn’t turn around, grin, wink at the camera and give us a thumbs-up.
Stephenie also has a laptop, on which she is probably writing her new self-help book, How to Write a Completely Mundane and Forgettable Romantic Fantasy Series That Millions of Preteen Girls Will Use to Masturbate for the First Time.
Bella blah-blahs with her dad, blah-blahs with her mom on the phone, and then HOLY SHIT EDWARD’S ALL UP IN MAH ROOM.
How can watching someone sleep be fascinating? Unless her nose whistles the tune to “The Devil’s Gone Down to Georgia”.
So Edward gives Bella the longest drawn-out kiss ever, they start making out, and...Edward stops because...why? He’s too close to her? Making out with her reminds him of how she smells like strawberries? Getting an erection turns him into a hideous demon? WHAT?
The movie never really specifies why he can’t do normal teen couple stuff like make out. He just says he could “lose control.” I’m assuming it’s all some weird Mormon metaphor for abstinence, which explains why they lie next to each other all night talking instead of Bella riding Edward’s sparkly marble manhood.
What is with all these montage scenes of them talking, anyway? We don't actually hear what they're saying, its just their lips moving and romantic music played over it. This feels so lazy, like the filmmakers knew nobody in the audience would buy their infatuation with each other, so hey, let's throw in some scenes where it looks like they actually have engaging conversation. Based on what I know of the book, however, its mostly Edward telling Bella how dangerous he is and Bella gazing at him adoringly.
Charlie is drinking a beer and loading a gun. And he has a moustache. Audience, we have our Northwestern United States Mascot. I do appreciate how he cocks the gun before telling Bella to “bring’m in.” Oh, of only he had shot on sight.
Great, we’re getting into the baseball scene. You know what, I can’t watch this. It’s got Muse in it. I’ve loved them since I was thirteen years old, and now they’re in Twilight? Stephenie Meyer loves them?
It’s kind of like someone taking your favourite pie and farting all over it.
I’ve decided to put it on mute and watch it, because skipping it would mean I get to miss all this ridiculous faggotry. All the fast-motion and slow-motion and extreme close-ups and WHY are the special effects so terrible? Why is this pointless scene so long? It’s the same fucking shit over and over again. Yes, they’re fast, yes, they’re super strong (but then why don’t the bats break when they hit the ball?), they like to play baseball, I DON’T CARE. And oh shit I tried to unmute it because I saw the bad vampires coming and MUSE ARE STILL PLAYING NOO.
Y’know, watching this on mute is a lot less painful. But here we go, it’s over.
How many shots do we need of the bad guys emerging in slow-motion out of the forest in a cloud of fog? I’ve counted two with the fog, two without, four in total, yes, we get it, they’re evil.
BAD GUYS AND GOOD GUYS TRADING CLOSE-UPS, OSSUM. Or not.
Okay, seriously, stop it. It’s been nonstop extreme close-ups for the last two minutes straight.
Bad guy rightly recognizes Bella is a snack, and wtf, they’re all hissing and crouching menacingly? Do they realize how ridiculous they look? What are they, the Sharks? Why haven’t they started snapping their fingers yet?
Oh jesus, just let James EAT Bella. I’m so tired of her babbling anyway. And now I hate her even more because she’s being a whiny baby and faking out her poor dad. I don’t understand why people bother to have concern for her, she’s obviously a moron. If she dies, natural selection!
Next up, update 6, THANKFULLY THE ABSOLUTE LAST ONE. Fast-paced actiony stuff happens that still manages to be really, really boring, and we have our obligatory sappy ending.