Laura Watches Twilight, Part 6
IT'S OVER!
Part 6: ACTION-PACKED EPILOGUE, And Stuff. Also Featured - I Commit Suicide.
Alright, so Bella goes home, and this scene with her and Charlie “arguing” is ridiculous. There’s not a lot of emotion here, it sounds like they’re trying to go with anger and frustration and they just sound mildly irritated, like they were really in the mood for bacon bits on pizza and found out they only have bacon strips.
Besides, what the fuck’s wrong with watching baseball on the flat screen and eating dinner at a diner every night? I personally think baseball is boring as hell, but flat screen TVs are awesome, and didn’t she just go out and play baseball? Is it not fun when OMG BORING NORMAL PPL NOT VAMPIRES are playing it?
I hate her so fucking much. Remind me why she’s the hero?
You know who should have been the hero? Eric. Think about it. A story about a charming, handsome, well-dressed Asian dude whose life takes an interesting turn when he’s forced to deal with a sullen, angsty new kid who can’t stop falling down and is a bitch to everyone she meets except that vomit-faced guy.
Bella drives off, Edward magically appears at her door and insists he drive. Because he’s the MAN, you see. She’s got a posse of good guy vampires watching her back (EVEN UNDEAD CREATURES LOVE HER, SRSLY), and happens to see her old, boring, human friends having fun without her. I can’t read her facial expression, because it looks like all her other facial expressions, but I think it’s a cross between “OMG WELL I HAVE BETTER BUDS NOW, THEY’RE HOTTER AND SHINIER,” and “OMG I AM UPSET THAT MY ADORATION RATING HAS GONE DOWN DUE TO THESE PPL NOT CONTRIBUTING TO IT.”
So the black dude vampire, Laurent, is telling Edward and Bella about how super dangerous Other Dude and That Chick are, Bella looks slightly concerned, Edward looks like he’s thinking about the football game he’s missing on TV right now.
The vampires are all loading up on their baddie hunting gear. This is boring and fraught with tense angst and really should be more like the gun scene in The Matrix.
In her duress, Bella’s voice has gone from nervous stuttering to full-on Tourette’s victim. I can only see it getting worse from here.
I don’t even know what’s going on right now. Alice and Jasper are driving Bella...somewhere, and everyone else is...running? In a forest? After James, or just running in general? They explained everything so fucking fast and haphazardly I couldn’t be bothered to take a moment out of snarking to listen. Alice has a vision and draws where James is going, which is Bella’s old ballet studio for some reason. He follows her smell; does the ballet studio still smell like her years after she left?
Wait, now he’s at her mom’s house? Where is her mom? In Pheonix? How did he get to Pheonix so fast? Oh, so he wants to meet her at her old ballet studio, but really, how fucking arbitrary is that? I’M SO CONFUSED, SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HOLY SHIT.
Now we’re treated to hearing the exact same fucking bullshit Bella was spewing in her narration at the beginning of the movie. Is this supposed to excite me?
Oh, so her mom isn’t in there, it’s just a tape of her mom at one of Bella’s old ballet recitals. How did he even get that? The bullshit is just flying left and right here, isn’t it?
James attempts to make some sort of sex tape of eating Bella, and flings out some shitty acting and filming metaphors, which are ironic considering how fail this movie is.
Of course, Edward shows up! In the nick of time, hurr durr!
Shit’s flying everywhere and wood and glass is breaking and James randomly bites Bella, they fight as she has a seizure on the floor, and aside from that, this whole thing is so poorly choreographed I can’t tell you much more. More shit happens, good vampires show up, Alice breaks his neck and they burn the poor bastard, actually the only awesome four seconds of this entire movie.
You know, Bella is behaving a lot more like she’s being fucked than dying slowly from a vampire bite. Edward has to bite her to suck the venom out, or some shit, which I sort of get but not really (is all vampire blood venomous or just the blood of OMG BAD GUYS?), and she goes CROSSEYED, which is really fucking funny. The screen goes blurry as Bella hallucinates the entire movie all over again. So really, I got to see this shitstorm TWICE, except once in fast motion.
Great, Bella’s survived and wakes up in the hospital. And the excuse they’re using is that she tripped and fell two flights of stairs and through a window?
How could one person possibly be this clumsy? Does she have platypus feet?
When you fall down two flights of stairs and OUT A WINDOW for no apparent reason, it crosses the boundary between “clumsy” and “possible inner ear infection.”
You know, I’ve noticed this a few times, but Bella states the obvious constantly. Edward tells her sucking her blood was scary because he was worried he wouldn’t be able to stop, she’s all “BUT YOU DID STOP.” Yes, I KNOW. I SAW. IT JUST HAPPENED. WHAT IS THIS CONTRIBUTING TO THE STORY?
HAHAHA HOLY SHIT. Edward tells her she should go home with her home to Florida so he can’t hurt her anymore and she wins the award for MOST STUTTERING EVER, as well as WORST ACTING EVER. Seriously, I am worried about the girl, as I think she may have just had a seizure. But of course, she whines for him to stay and he kind of just broods and looks handsome and they have a tender moment and I don’t care.
SWEEPING MOUNTAIN SCENE. INDICATOR THAT TIME HAS PASSED.
Edward is wearing a suit, sitting awkwardly across the table from Charlie, and Bella comes downstairs in a formal dress, one foot in a cast and the other wearing A CONVERSE SHOE.
I understand obviously needing to wear a cast on her broken leg, but hey, instead of wearing a nice shoe on the other foot that at least tries to salvage how ugly the cast is and compliments the dress, let’s wear an old, beat-up sneaker! It’s like, rebellion, and stuff. Bella’s unconventional, whoo-hoo!
And she’s wearing leggings, which don’t go either.
Edward makes his vomit face and tells her she looks perfect, Charlie makes an appropriate “lolwut” face before telling Bella she looks beautiful with a thousand times more honesty than Edward.
Jacob steps out of the forest for some reason to talk to Bella (lol foreshadowing) and tell her that his dad wants her to break up with Edward. They kind of make a joke out of it and Edward acts like a douchenozzle to him because blah blah rivalry or curse, or hatred, or something, they weren’t clear on that, and in case you haven't guessed, I don't care.
They go to what looks like the shittiest prom ever - is it in someone’s BASEMENT? - and how about that, anyway? Aren’t they both juniors, as are all their friends? Eric looks awesome as usual and is wearing a cool bowler hat, proving that he should have been the star of the movie.
Also, I just noticed Bella is wearing the most hideous old grandmother cardigan. It looks like something she fished out of the bottom of her closet and smells like mothballs.
Bella whines about wanting to be a vampire, and are you joking, she’s sure she wants to be with him FOREVAR AND EVAR already? They have some stupid inconsequential dialogue and he kisses her on the neck instead of biting her, and he asks her if its enough to have a long and happy life with him, and she says “For now.” What does that even mean? I don’t understand if they’re talking about turning her, or not turning her, what’s she satisfied with for now, not being turned? I thought she just whined about it? Oh for fuck’s sake.
The final shot of the movie is the badass chick vampire looking all badass and walking down some stairs like a badass, hinting that she’s out to get Bella omg. Which is depressing because OH FUCK, THERE’S GOING TO BE MORE MOVIES.
This sucks. Kill me now. Why am I not dead yet?