Dear Noah Mayer...
Noah,
Do you remember that time where you and Luke were sitting at Java after you both went out to search for an apartment together? It was January 2008. You guys had just went out on your first date, and were ready to really start your lives together now that Luke could walk and you both were finally healing. You asked Luke to live together, get an apartment together. He was hesitant at first, but went along to look at places with you anyway when he saw how excited and positively giddy you were about it.
Then, at Java, he questioned you on your motives...on why it was so important for you to get an apartment together...why it was so important to live with him. Do you remember what you said?
You bared your soul and poured out your insecurity of being alone. How, up until that point, you had to walk through your life without anyone by your side...forced to follow one man on the one path he laid out for you. Every footstep had to be perfectly aligned with his, same pace, same stride length, probably even the same fucking shoes. You had no one. And even if you did, you could never be yourself...could never let anyone else know who you truly were underneath all of the rules and regulations. And even if there was that speck of hope that you could finally be yourself...they were soon gone. Or you were.
You told Luke how you had never been a part of something. How you were by yourself, stuck inside your own skin, with only movies to take you to places that you only dared to go to in your dreams. Humphrey Bogart and Claude Raines were the only people who knew the real you, who you really were under all of that fear and isolation. They knew who you were under the mask you donned every minute of every hour of every day living with the Colonel.
The Colonel was all you had for years and years and years. You never knew anything else. You never knew the kindness of a mother’s touch. What it felt like to be read stories at night before bed. Never experienced the caring and comfort of a motherly embrace when you were sick. Never got kisses to make your cuts and scrapes feel better. Never got to experience the half-scolding, half-amused look that a mom would give their child when they would sneak one cookie before supper time. You never got to run home from school with a drawing that you did in class just to give it to your mom to hang it up on the refrigerator in order to show it off proudly to the rest of the world.
Instead, all you knew was morning and evening bunk inspections, stale meals in the barracks of whatever base you lived on that week, target practice every Saturday, and the feeling of living with every day under constant fear that you would screw up.
You had no idea what it was like to have a family. That term was alien to you. As far as you knew, the family dinners and the sitting by the fireplace and the carols at Christmas were all things that were made up in Hollywood. Created to give off an American ideal of what families were supposed to look like. What everyone should strive to have. What, deep down in your heart, you would give anything to have.
Then you moved to Oakdale, and were blown away by a blond-haired, brown-eyed tornado in an 18 year old’s body. And your life has never been the same. Luke somehow saw through the walls that you had been building up for 18 years. He must have somehow charmed the pants off of Superman and stolen his x-ray vision because he could see right down into your soul. He knew just what to say to get things out of you that you had never told anyone before. He knew how to make you smile.
You struggled with this at first…not wanting to believe that this guy (guy being the key word) could ever know the real you. Could ever understand the real you. But he did. And it freaked you out. He understood you better than the Colonel. Better than Maddie. Better than yourself. And it scared you. So you resisted. Resisted everything he tried to give you. And boy…did Luke try to give you things.
Luke offered up chances for you to be happy. Luke offered you a way out. Luke gave you the key to unlock the chains that the Colonel had bound you with your whole life. Luke showed you how to use it. Luke offered a chance to finally be who YOU wanted to be.
But most of all…Luke offered up love.
It took you a while…but you finally accepted it. And maybe started to give some of that love back.
The next thing you knew, Luke was giving you a life. You suddenly had friends. You suddenly knew people who didn’t wear uniforms and had real jobs and you could actually leave town without having to show ID or get your car inspected. You suddenly were able to walk your own path, do what you wanted to do, wear what you wanted to wear, be with who you wanted to be with.
And in the process, you started to have things that you’ve never had before. Companionship. Happiness. Safety. Support. Love. They are things you’ve always wanted but never knew if you would ever get. But Luke gave you that. He gave you all of that.
But there was one thing you still wanted. One thing you desperately ached for. One thing that, someday, you hoped Luke would be able to give to you.
A family.
When Luke asked you to stay at the farm for Christmas, despite teasing him about stealing all of the covers, you were delighted. Christmas in a farm house full of people. Full of one person in particular that succeeded in filling up your everything on a daily basis.
At Java that day, you told Luke that the experience was addictive. That being around people who loved each other and cared for each other caused an ache in the hole in your heart. You watched the tradition play out in front of you, watched as presents were opened enthusiastically and smiles were given and hugs were shared, and you wanted to be lost in it. Consumed by the feeling of being loved. Being a part of something. Being a member of a real family.
Luke looked at you with emotion in his eyes as you told him that he was the only person that he had in his world. That if you lost him, you would have nothing. Lose everything. And if you got an apartment together, you two could start your own family, and you would finally be a part of something.
Do you remember that, Noah? Do you remember how Luke stepped out to talk to his grandma, and then came back and offered you a family in the form of a tiny bronze key? Do you remember?
Luke gave you a family that day, Noah. But you know what? You earned it. You deserved it. You deserve to belong and you deserve to be loved. And even though Luke gave you that key that day, and symbolized the giving of a family, truth be told, you already had one.
You had a family the day you first walked into WOAK and charmed the pants off of us with your geekiness and your shy smile and your nervous stance.
We are all your family, Noah.
We’ve watched you struggle to be yourself. Watched you make mistakes. Watched you succeed. We’ve supported you when you needed it, comforted you when you were sad, yelled at you when you were being stupid, laughed at you when you were being silly, and loved you always.
You’ve found a way into our hearts, Noah Mayer. We don’t know how, but you did. And we love you. We’ve seen you at your lowest, your highest, and everything in between…and we still love you. You’ve settled down nicely into our hearts: building a foundation, putting up walls, painting it to look nice, moving in furniture, and living comfortably inside of it. We like having you there…and we don’t ever want you to move.
For the past three years, Noah Mayer…you have lived in that house. Most of the time with Luke, and sometimes without. But always with us. Always. You will always be a part of our family, Noah. You will always have us. No matter what happens with you and Luke, whether you guys are together or not, you will always be together with us. Because we love you. And you are a member of our big, giant, dysfunctional family.
Life just wouldn’t be the same without you.
So just know, Noah Mayer…that you will never be alone again. You will always have us, and you will always have love, and you will always have a home and a family to turn to when you need us. You will always be a part of something. Always.
We love you, Noah Mayer. Thank you for being you…the incredibly flawed, yet delightful human being that you are. And thank you for letting us into your life.
Thank you.
♥