UPDATE: 50 Holiday Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1. Agoraphobia: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
2. Alcoholism: O Vodka Martini, O Vodka Martini - how I wish I had more olives.
3. Alzheimer's Disease/Senile Dementia: Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
4. Amnesia: I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
5. Animal Hoarder: On the 12th day of Christmas, my stinky home did hold:
Twelve Heinz 57 puppies!
Eleven molting parrots
Ten dead bodies
Nine unidentifiable critters
Eight pending litters
Seven flea-ridden rabbits
Six filthy chickens
Five golden retrievers
Four sneaky neighbor dogs
Three breeding guinea pigs
Two unaltered mice
And an elderly, incontinent cat.
6. Anorexia Nervosa: Christmas is Coming, Oh God, I’m Getting Fat
7. Antisocial Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
8. Asperger's Syndrome: It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, but don't you touch me!
9. Attention Deficit Disorder (Inattentive Type): We Wish You...Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!
10. Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder: "Wewishyouamerrychristmas, wewishyouamerrychristmas" SNOWBALLFIGHT - YEAH!
11. Autism (Non-Verbal): "________________________________" (Frosty, the Snowman)
12. Autism (Verbal): Frosty is a Snowman! I love Frosty Snowman! Love you, Frosty! Frosty is a snowman! Snow is cold. Love you Frosty!
13. Bipolar Disorder (Mania): Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And.......
14. Borderline Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why
15. Communication Disorder: Whoodoff de Weddowsd Waynedeeuh
16. Compulsive Gambler: Hark how it thrills, Casino Shills, all seem to say, time now to play, luck is my due, don’t roll a two, damn not my day, there goes my pay…
17. Conspiracy Theorist: Aliens are coming to town! They see you when you're sleeping, they probe your anal sphincter! There's a microchip inside my head, you can hear it if you stand close!
18. Drug addiction: Oh the weather outside is frightful, but inside I'm snorting lines-full. (Let it Snow, Let it Snow, let it Snow!!!)
19. Dyslexia: Satan, Baby…
20. Dysthymic Depression: Silent Night, Humdrum Night. All is dull, all is blah. Round yon sofa one more time, stick my head in the oven.
21. Encopresis: The Little Drummer Boy Pooped His Pants Again, Pa-Rum-pa-Dum-Dump
22. Evangelist Republican: Hark the herald angels sing, down with the Liberals! Jesus is coming to kill you all, we'll pray for you at Armageddon!
23. Exhibitionism: O Come All You Faithful, See My Tiny Penis As I Flash You On Your Way to Church
24. Histrionic Personality Disorder: Santa, Baby, Take Me Right Here Under The Tree
25. Hypochondria: What Germ is This?
26. Hysterical Pregnancy: A child is born! To my next door neighbor, I'll sneak into her house and take it
27. Insomnia: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made it out of Lunesta.
28. Kleptomania: God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen, While I Snag all your Stuff
29. Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings in One Person Are
30. Munchausen by Proxy: I'll play my drum for him, right on his skull. Draino in her tea, poor pity me. Poor pity me, poor pity meeeeeeee!
31. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
32. Narcolepsy: Silent night, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
33. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
34. Oppositional Defiant Disorder: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
35. Paranoia: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
36. Paraphilia, NOS: Cum all ye perverts, subs and dominatrices! Oh cum ye, oh cum ye, again and again!
37. Psychopathy: Deck the Halls and Marinate you in Chianti.
38. Pyromania: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, the school is burning to the ground.
39. Pica: Eat the Walls, and Paint and Foliage, Falalalalalalalala.
40. Reactive Attachment Disorder: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, But I Don’t Really Care.
41. Schizoaffective Disorder: I Saw Three Ships, I Must be God, the Angels I Heard on High Told Me So.
42. Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
43. Selective Mutism: All I Want For Christmas Is.
44. Sexual Dysfunction: All I Want For Christmas Is Viagra
45. Shared Psychotic Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
46. Social Anxiety Disorder: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
47. Stalker: I'll be home for Christmas, right outside your door.
48. Suicidal Maniac: Rudolph, the red-nosed bomber.
49. Tourette’s Syndrome: On the first fucking Noel, the asshats did come…
50. Trichotillomania: By the 12th day of Christmas, I Had No Eyebrows Left