butterflyweb & rawthorne: All You Can Ever Learn (Is What You Already Know)

[dbskbigbang_fic]

Title: All You Can Ever Learn (Is What You Already Know)
Authors: butterflyweb and rawthorne
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Changmin/Junsu
Summary: Changmin makes a discovery about himself.
Disclaimer: DBSK are their own people under the management of SM Entertainment. The portrayals here are fictional and no money is being made.
Word Count: 10173


Water is still pouring into the sink when he comes to realize that what's been making him itch for months is not stress and it's not a rash. He says the word and watches the face in the mirror open wide, frightened eyes because it makes sense. Of course it makes sense. He's smarter than the rest of the band put together - if one trusts the word of girls who wave glowsticks and sing along to their records - but it's still taken him three months to put an explanation into words.

Well. One word, really.

Gay doesn't need adjectives.

He watches as his face changes, as it pales and lips go bloodless and he doesn't recognize himself anymore. And of course he doesn't, because he's not himself. He's gay.

Sinking to his knees, he bends over the toilet with dry heaves that have nothing to do with the flu or nausea and everything to do with panic. He clutches the rim and the sink and tries not to have a meltdown in the bathroom when he's supposed to be brushing his teeth.

It's not the idea of it that scares him. He's always known he was a little different. He just didn't know how deeply dangerous his difference could be. Images of his face plastered over forums with taunts and accusations attached rise before his eyes. The fans will never accept it. The label will never accept it. He sees himself jobless and notorious for being a sexual deviant and covers his face.

What if they know already? What if they've figured out that the casual touches and the affectionate hugs were more than fanservice? They weren't, but misinterpretation is easy. Making his faint blush after Yunho kissed his cheek into something beyond embarrassment would be child's play, just far less innocent.

His fingers curl against the ceramic bowl as he tries to pull himself together. He's being paranoid. Nobody knows anything. They all do fanservice, it's expected. It's not real. Only for him, maybe it is. Maybe he's been using his friends for his own sick enjoyment and that's the thought that brings up his lunch, heaving into the bowl.

He hates doing this, the sick taste of bile in his mouth, the dizziness that follows soon after. Hates how his throat feels raw like sandpaper and his face is flushed. Hates that he'll be wobbling to his room and Jaejoong will see and worry. It's why he lies a little longer on the cold floor, choking on self-discovery.

Why is this happening to him? Why did he have to realize it? He can't lie to himself, not now, can't pretend that he doesn't know. He presses his hands over his face, trying to get a hold of himself. What if this ruins everything?

It won't. He won't let it. Just like they don't date so they don't spoil their perpetual image of availability, he won't own up to it. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he has to shout it from the rooftops or go to gay bars and be photographed half-naked hanging off some man's muscled arms.

He takes in a deep breath, lets it out slowly and then another one. It'll be okay. He can deal with this. Nothing has changed. He won't let anything change.

A knock sounds at the bathroom door.

"Changmin-ah, you in there?"

His head snaps up so fast it's lucky he doesn't crack it against the bathroom sink. Just what he'd need right now: a big bruise or stitches to draw fan attention to him when what he wants most is to disappear into the cream-colored tiles.

"I'll be right out!" he calls out, wincing at the fake reassurance. They know him too well to buy into his lies.

He hears the hesitation, the lack of retreating footsteps. "You sick, Min-ah? I can get Yoochun to make you tea with his coffee."

Protesting will just get him in deeper, so he responds with a 'thanks, hyung,' and puts the seat down, resting his head against the cool ceramic.

He'll brush his teeth again, wash his face and pretend lunch just didn't agree with him. There's a lot that can go wrong in cooking rice. Excuses roll off his tongue in practice, but he knows half of them will stick in his throat when the moment comes and he has to face four pairs of knowing eyes.

One of his lies will stick. One has to.

There's no way he can tell them the truth.

*

It's five minutes after he's come out of the bathroom that he sees his plan crumble like a house of cards, chin trembling when he sees Jaejoong in the kitchen, long legs straddling a bar stool as he pores over a magazine.

"You okay, Changmin-ah?" he asks, eyebrows rising high on his forehead and piercing gaze spearing him open.

Thanks a lot, he thinks and shakes his head mutely. Ignores the mug of tea. Sits at the table and rests his forehead on the flat surface so that he doesn't have to see the shift of strong muscles under a white tee as Jaejoong slips off the stool, doesn't have to see shorts hanging low on a thin waist. Changmin thinks blearily that this is going to be torture. He's aware now. He knows what he wants and here he is sharing an apartment with the four most attractive men in Korea.

He's fucked.

A warm palm comes to rest on his back, comfort transparent in such a small gesture and he stiffens against it because he's not sure he can take that. Can take being this close to Jaejoong and pretending he's not--he doesn't want--

"What's wrong, dongsaeng?"

He wants to throw up again.

"Just my stomach," he mumbles, drawing in a sharp breath, letting it out slow. "Think I'm getting the flu."

It's a flat out lie but Jaejoong takes it, rubbing his back gently. "I'll make you something easy to get down, okay?" It's his way of say he's concerned but doesn't know what to do otherwise.

"No..." he tells him. "No, that's okay." A hand shoots out to clutch at Jaejoong's, only he aims wrong and it knocks him in the thigh again, maybe two inches from his cock. "Shit, sorry--" he makes to apologize quickly, head shooting up from the counter and cheeks coloring.

That's it, he thinks. This is how his hyung will figure it out. And possibly beat him up for coming onto him.

Jaejoong frowns heavily, hand stilling and Changmin feels dizzy.

"Since when have you ever apologized for hitting me, dongsaeng?" the other man teases gently, tugs on his hair a little.

"What's really going on?"

He can't lie to him. Maybe to Yunho and Yoochun. Possibly to Junsu. But not to Jaejoong. He sees through him like he's made of glass.

"Come with me," he rules, taking off from the kitchen and trusting his hyung to follow.

He closes the workroom door behind Jaejoong, glad Su wasn't inside on his computer. Locks it and leans against it, staring resolutely at the floor.

"Min-ah, you're freaking me out a little. What's going on?"

He tries to find the words, the right explanation and the proper tone. He doesn't want to sound happy about it because there's nothing to be happy about, but he's not mournful at the idea. It is what it is and he needs Jaejoong to know so he can help him, so there's one less person he has to lie to in the band.

"I'm gay," he blurts out, voice all but toneless.

Jaejoong's eyes widen and Changmin panics. Claps his hand over his mouth, wanting to disappear, wanting to snatch the words back out of the air and push them down his throat again.

Dark brows are furrowed in confusion as Jaejoong stares at him. "What...no you're not. Wait, what are you talking about?"

He's going to call him a freak. He's going to tell Yunho and their manager and it's going to unravel so fast he'll be out of the group by tomorrow. He sees the future loom and bites on his palm. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Did you just say what I think you just said?" Jaejoong scratches a hand through newly cropped black hair.

"No," Changmin chokes out behind his hand. "Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, hyung."

Jaejoong looks at him and something must alert him that Changmin is just this side of bursting into tears or hyperventilating and he's coming towards him. Changmin flinches back, afraid he's going to hit him. Punish him for ruining all they've worked for.

But Jaejoong's hands are warm on his arms, strong and certain as he guides him to sit down. "Hey, Changmin. Relax, okay." His voice is quiet. Even. There's no warmth there and Changmin feels his eyes sting at the thought.

He does as told, complying like a good dongsaeng even as his body becomes separate from his mind. One of them is running out the door, leaving behind cold fright.

Jaejoong sighs and he's never seen his hyung so serious before. Not even when Yunho was poisoned. There was anger, then. This is something else. Something he can't catalog away. An alien specimen.

"You think you're gay?" he repeats, voice low, like someone could overhear.

Changmin swallows past the lump in his throat. "I know I'm gay," he whispers. Afraid to meet Jaejoong's eyes. Afraid of what he'll see there. "I promise, hyung, I won't...I won't let it mess anything up. I don't want that, I promise."

"How can you..." Jaejoong cuts himself off, one hand brushing through his hair. "What makes you think that... you know? We've been busy with the album lately. I know it's hard to meet girls and--"

Changmin closes his eyes, ducking his head. Hiding.

"Because...I'm...a-attracted to guys," he whispers, palms sweating as he stumbles over the word. "I don't want to meet girls."

Jaejoong's mouth opens and closes with a wet plop that isn't at all reassuring even as it is familiar. He thinks of telling his hyung that he looks like a fish, but this isn't the time.

"You're attracted to guys," Jaejoong repeats quietly, like trying to make sense of something French and hard to pronounce. "And you don't want to meet girls. Okay..." Nails scratch at the back of his head. "Okay. And you just figured it out now?"

"It just made sense. It clicked, I guess," Changmin mumbles, arms around his abdomen. "Hyung, please, say something. Please."

"Are you..." Jaejoong makes an effort to meet his eyes. "Are you attracted to... me?" It sounds almost nervous.

Changmin's gaze fixes him, lips tightening into a straight line. "I told you, hyung," he starts, mouth twitching into a weak smile. "I'm not into girls."

It's a gamble.

The sharp shove to his shoulder is more welcome than a hug, in present company.

"Dork," Jaejoong tells him, smiling despite himself. "Want me to show you just how much of a girl I am, huh?" And he mock-pulls at his zipper, laughter disappearing into his dimples.

Changmin covers his eyes with one hand. "Ew, no. Have mercy on my virgin eyes."

Another smack to his shoulder, this one followed by a quick, tight hug. "Still my dongsaeng, okay? Even if you obviously have horrible taste." Jaejoong's voice is gentle and the warmth is there again and Changmin clings to it greedily.

Clings to him like a safety buoy, because he needs someone on his side. Someone who isn't his treacherous conscience.

*

It doesn't change much, but maybe it changes everything to not be alone in this. On some level, he figures it's normal. He's lived with these four boys long enough that he can't pick a shirt without their feedback, let alone come to terms with something as huge as this is.

It's not ideal. Jaejoong still feels awkward if he lingers in a hug, if he grabs his hand thoughtlessly when talking and it stings. But he knows his hyung is trying to see everything as the same and it's all Changmin can ask of him.

It's all he can ask of them all, even if they don't realize it. Filming shows becomes an exercise in self-denial and he finds himself reverting to old timidity, lurking in the background while his hyungs take up the stage. And when Junsu turns to him with a bright grin fixed in place and demands spilling from his lips, it's all Changmin can do not to blush.

He's stared at their mouths often enough - and jerked off picturing them on his skin twice as much - to know that Junsu's got the prettiest smile. It becomes a double edged sword, courting it as much as he knows he shouldn't crave it, spending more and more time around his youngest hyung. Junsu doesn't hesitate to climb all over him to get the remote, to beam brightly when Changmin tells a stupid joke.

The normalcy and the approval is addictive.

Because with him, unlike with Jaejoong, Changmin is still Changmin. He's still straight and harmless (unless Junsu takes his popcorn) and that makes it okay for Junsu to fall asleep with his head on his shoulder half-way through a bad horror movie. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Yoochun and Jaejoong exchange soft whispers and surreptitious looks in his direction, but for the most part they're undisturbed. If he expects to be dragged away before he molests his hyung, Changmin gets to be sorely disappointed as all the other members file out to their beds in silence - Jaejoong's sharp jab of a finger against his cheek the only exception to the rule.

"Don't let the bed bug bite," he teases in a whisper, pajama pants too low on his hips as he struts past. If Changmin didn't know better, he'd think he does it on purpose.

He takes the remote out of Junsu's grasp, turning down the television a bit. Rests his cheek atop the other man's head, feeling the tickle of soft hair. His shampoo smells like apple cinnamon and Changmin inhales, eyes closed. Tries not to feel guilty.

On screen the little girl in the well kills people and mentally scars the ones who escape her all because she didn't get to go to school. Or something. He finds it hard to follow her adventures in the afterlife when Junsu lies pressed against him. It's not the first time he's found it slightly erotic to be so close to the other man, but it's the first time he dares to call arousal by its name. He's twenty years old. Hormones have stopped ruling him way back in puberty. This is all conscious thought and conscious want.

He shuffles off the couch slowly, one hand holding up Junsu's shoulder.

"Where're you going?" his hyung mutters thickly, displeasure obvious on his face now that he's been deprived of such a comfortable pillow.

"Bathroom break. Be right back," he lies, thankful for the night that hides his blush.

Junsu makes a face at him, but nods sleepily, tucking his feet up under him on the sofa. "'kay. Come back after. Movie's not over." His interest in the last shows as his eyes drift closed once again, angelic in sleep.

Changmin wants to smooth his thumb over warm skin and thinks he might need a cold shower more than a piss.

He pads into the bathroom bare foot and flushed with heat, aware that he's giving in to urges he's kept bottled up for years but unable to stop. With coming to terms with his orientation comes the need to be honest with himself - and if he's honest with himself, he'll admit he's never wanted anything more than to kiss Junsu as he lies there sleeping.

Like it used to happen when he was still a teenager and he first discovered the wonders of internet porn, he feels his cock harden in his pants, discomfort warring with arousal.

"Get a grip," he murmurs, back pressed to the door even as a hand drops between his legs. He's convinced there's something perverted in jerking off to thoughts of his hyungs, but it wouldn't be the first time.

He still remembers their first trip to Japan and hearing Yunho on his side of the room. Leader-ssi thought he was being quiet. So did Yoochun and Jaejoong and Junsu, in the days that followed. It wasn't anything new, then. They've done it since debut - and Changmin thinks he's been listening to them just as long.

What he'd called curiosity and pent up frustration and being in too close quarters all turned out to be a metaphor for wanting. An easy excuse to hide the truth. That each and every time, the sound of them had aroused him.

The flat of his palm presses against him, grinding against his erection until it's almost painful. Shame keeps this from being enjoyable because not only is he gay, he's a complete and utter pervert with no self-control whatsoever. Otherwise he wouldn't be reducing his hyungs to wank-off props.

It colors his cheeks red and his lips bloodless as he bites down, sinking his teeth into already chapped skin until it makes his eyes sting. Pain to overshadow pleasure. Aversion therapy and he can't be this weak. Junsu is his best friend. And that is all. It has to be.

There are footsteps outside the bathroom door, quick and quiet and sock-clad over the floorboards. He freezes mid-motion and listens because this is the second time it's happened and he doesn't want to lie anymore.

A hand tries the doorknob but it doesn't give. At least he had the fortitude to lock himself inside before he gave vent to his perversion.

"Whoever's in there better hurry up," Yunho groans through the wood.

Changmin swallows, tugging the hem of his shirt down over his very obvious erection, back still pressed to the door. His throat works once more, for good measure, hoping his voice will come out normal when he answers back.

"One minute, hyung," he answers, going to the sink and splashing cold water on his face. Tempted to splash it on his fucking crotch as well and wouldn't that be interesting to explain.

When he slips out, Yunho is too busy yawning to notice the way he shuffles quickly out of the light, the way his voice catches on a 'good night'. Alone in his bed, Changmin cries for the first time in years. It's not frustration or joy or fatigue that prompts him, but genuine sorrow. For the first time in years, he has something to mourn.

It's never felt more likely that he'll have to quit the group before he exposes himself to ridicule.

He presses his face into the pillow, blankets drawn over his head, nearly suffocating himself even though he's alone. If he can't hear himself sob, then it's not happening. It wouldn't be the first lie he's told himself.

One hand clutches at the fabric of his t-shirt, just over his heart. Claws at the pain he feels there because he's worked so hard. Twenty four hour schedules between two continents and an unfamiliar language on his tongue, an unfamiliar pillow under his head. Not seeing his sisters, his parents for months at a time, knowing he isn't being the brother, the son, he should be to them. All the things he's sacrificed and why can't he just change?

Why can't he just be normal?

The bed dips with the weight of a foreign body and Changmin freezes.

"Said you'd be right back," a very tired, very groggy Junsu mutters as he burrows under the covers beside him. "There was a scary scene in the movie." It's all the explanation he gives, one arm falling heavily around Changmin's shoulders.

Changmin wants to push him away, he really, truly, honestly does, but instead he clings to the other man like he's his last lifeline. Junsu would never hate him. Junsu doesn't hate anybody. It's like a mantra in his head.

"Su-yah... there's something you need to know." Something he probably needs to know before he spends another second in bed with him. He pushes himself unto his elbows, tears and red eyes obscured by the night. "Something important."

"Did you get a phonecall from a little dead girl?" mutters his hyung, eyes closed and body lax.

Changmin pinches him, hard, because if he's going to ruin his life and their friendship, he'd like a little more attention and a little less humor from the other man.

"I'm serious, Su-yah," he mumbles, the words thick.

"Ow." There's a groan, a sharp slap to his ass in retaliation and then Junsu cracks an eye open. "What is it?" And it's like Jaejoong all over again, except Jaejoong is his friend and he's not sure what Junsu is, but he's more than that.

He's different.

Changmin feels his pulse thud sickly in his ears as he looks into an open face, one he's described as pure and handsome and bright and something twists at the thought that Junsu might never smile at him again.

"Will...will you ever stop being my friend?" he asks, voice hushed. It's low to extract a promise before he dumps his realization on the other man, but this already isn't fair.

Junsu blinks, but for all he's made fun of, he isn't slow. "Changmin..." he breathes and his tone is changed, voice still low but nervous. Like he's expecting the worst. Changmin can't help think he should be.

"Will you?" he presses, eyes stinging again because he's a coward. He's a complete coward.

The hand on his back clenches into his shirt. "Of course not, you idiot. What's gotten into you?"

Why is he doing this? Why is he fucking everything up? Junsu won't forgive him for this. Dong Bang Shin Ki is all he's ever wanted, it's who he is. Junsu won't forgive him. Junsu thinks people like him burn for eternity.

Changmin lets out a sob.

"Min-ah--" And Junsu shifts closer, the arm around his back drawing tighter. "You can tell me, it's okay." He swallows, thick and nervous and Junsu has such a pretty face. Everything is written on it.

Changmin waits to see it turn to rage and whispers: "I'm gay."

There is silence. Stretching until it's an impassable chasm, a yawning black hole between them and Changmin doesn't think he's breathing. His heart gives a sick stutter when fingers close around his arms like claws and shake him.

"Take it back. Right now, Changmin."

I can't, he wants to say, but his words won't come, body turned weak and hopeless in Junsu's grip because this is what he feared. This is what he knew would happen.

Junsu shakes him hard. "Take it back!" His voice rises to a pitch and there's no way the other's won't hear. He just hopes they didn't hear the rest, although it's a matter of time before the news spreads. Shim Changmin is a faggot.

His stomach crawls into his throat.

"I'm sorry," he cries, tears slipping fast down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Junsu, please--"

The light in the hallway turns on abruptly and it shakes his hyung out of his anger long enough to let go. His eyes are fire and he's never seen him so angry before. This is what Junsu's hate must look like, he thinks. This is what his disgust must feel like.

Jaejoong steps through the doorway just as Junsu exits. Their shoulders brush.

"Changmin, what's wrong. What just happened?"

He can't trust himself to speak, hunched over with knees pulled up to his chest, sobbing hard enough to shake his whole body. A warm hand is on his shoulder in seconds and Changmin flinches away violently.

"Don't touch me." His breath hitches. "I'm disgusting."

Jaejoong falls to the bed beside him, because it doesn't take much effort to put two and two together and he must realize... he must know. Changmin gasps for air and thinks this must be what dying feels like. He's dying, right here, in this bed. Tonight.

"Breathe, Min-ah," his hyung tells him in that voice that allows no opposition. "Breathe before you pass out."

Jaejoong pulls him close, fitting Changmin's head again his shoulder, just holding onto him. Every inch the big brother and at least...at least he has...

"What's going on?" Comes a low voice, Yunho standing hesitantly in the doorway.

"Nothing. Go to bed," Jaejoong replies, voice booking no arguments.

And it's only with him, only because it's Jaejoong, that Yunho obeys. Grudgingly, sure, by the sound of his trailing footsteps, but he obeys. Through his sobs, Changmin hears him repeat the same thing to Yoochun.

Junsu doesn't need to be told. Junsu doesn't care.

Junsu very probably hates him.

*

None of them will ever say it, but Jaejoong can at times give a very real credence to his stereotype of band mother. Protective to a fault, he hovers over Changmin relentlessly for the next few days, dealing Junsu a cold glare few would want to be on the receiving end of every time they share the same space.

If his heart wasn't busy breaking itself into small pieces, Changmin would be amused. As it is, he can see the way his days are numbered far into the near future. Can see his voice cracking during concerts because he can't take being ignored by his hyungs.

Can see it beginning with Yoochun, because if Junsu is likely to tell anyone, it's him.

Every time he gets near, Changmin shrinks back. It becomes obvious enough that Yunho ends up taking him aside and asking what's wrong because he's starting to worry him.

Changmin shakes his head quickly, tells him he's tired because he knows better than to tell the truth. Offers him a plastic smile and escapes to dinner when Jaejoong yells that takeout's arrived. Picks idly at black bean noodles, stirring them around his chopsticks and avoiding everyone's eyes. He knows he's losing weight.

Knows he's losing his mind and his voice and that he'll lose them too before this thing inside him has run its course. It eats at him like a disease and he lets it.

He sleeps alone with the door locked more and more. He doesn't offer to do the dishes or make popcorn. He doesn't watch movies with them. He just wants to disappear.

He comes home one evening to find Jaejoong and Junsu locked in a screaming match, his eldest hyung's face bright red with anger, Yunho holding onto his arm. Changmin stands frozen in the middle of the kitchen, guilt eating at his insides. He's doing this to them.

Junsu shouts something about Jaejoong trying to control them and how he has no right and how it's his business who he gets along with and who he doesn't. It sounds like something Changmin would say in jest, maybe when he's stealing Jaejoong's clothes. Maybe when he wants to sleep a little longer and he knows he can't.

But this is no joke and when all eyes turn to him as he enters, he can't help think it's his place to fix it.

"Is everything..."

"Shut up," Junsu grits out at him and it cuts, it cuts so deep because Junsu has always been supportive and a shoulder to cry on and now he hates him.

Jaejoong breaks free of Yunho's hold. "Don't talk to him like that!"

"This is none of your business," Junsu snaps back, fists tight by his sides and eyes narrowed into slits.

Jaejoong's face is cold. "That's hyung to you, dongsaeng. Apologize. Right fucking now."

Junsu fixes him with a dark look, but respect is too deeply ingrained in them all for him to shirk his responsibility. Head bowed, he breathes a shallow 'I'm sorry' that he neither means nor believes. And neither do the rest of them.

"It's okay, Su-yah," Changmin intervenes, gambling his place in the group with that one reassurance. "It's okay. Right, hyung?"

Junsu doesn't look at him, shoulders taut like strung wire, and mutters something under his breath, shouldering past Jaejoong and heading back to their work room. Yunho moves forward to speak quietly with Jaejoong, words like 'you've got to let them work it out' and 'I don't understand' filtering through the space between them.

Changmin sees the questions loom dark and threatening like rain clouds on the horizon and knows they'll be directed at him sooner or later. Frankly, he'd rather it be never, but since that's not a viable option, he picks the lesser of two evils instead. If they notice him disappearing down the hall, no one calls to stop him.

It's in his room, with his forehead pressed against the wood that he feels he can breathe again.

At least until a cough distracts him.

He digs his teeth into his lip, not having to turn to know who it is.

"I'm sorry," Changmin gets out automatically. Sorry for intruding. Wondering if he's apologizing for existing now as well.

"It's your room," Junsu snorts through his nose, the sound angry but tearful at the same time.

Changmin stays pressed close to the door. Fight or flight.

"I hope," he starts, unsteady but determined. "I hope you can forgive me. Someday." It's a blind hope and probably more than a little foolish, but god, he misses him. Them. He wishes he could go back to how it used to be.

To Junsu wrapped around him, clinging while he sleeps.

A hand on his shoulder forces him to turn around from the door. Junsu is there, suddenly too close, too warm, too real and he feels himself shrink back, expecting a blow that won't fall.

"Why?" Junsu hisses, but without venom, his eyes rimmed in red. "Why can't you just be normal?"

Changmin can feel his features crumble when suddenly Junsu is pressing him to the door, pressing his mouth over his and Changmin's stomach is somewhere in his shoes.

It's not a slap or a punch, it's not swearwords mired in hate. It's a kiss mired in anger and is that better? Is that okay? Junsu bruises his lips as he pulls back, vision swimming and eyes red.

Changmin has to remember to breathe, knees locking before he slides to the floor.

He grasps for the door handle, needing something to hold onto, facing Junsu with shock and uncertainty that borders anger, because if this is some new way for Junsu to hurt him, it's low and he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't.

"Why can't I be normal?" Junsu sobs through his fingers, hands against his mouth. "Why..." But he doesn't finish, because his body leans forward and his face is pressed in Changmin's shoulder, tears soaking his shirt.

A fist hits weakly at his chest, Junsu shaking against him and Changmin's arms come up to wrap around him instinctively. Because no matter what happens, he loves him. He can't help himself.

"I had it--I had it under control and then you have to go around shouting it to the world like it's something to be fucking proud of--"

"You, too?" It's all he can think. "You, too?" Him, too?

It's surreal. Impossible. Junsu is shy around girls but he likes them. He shows up in pictures holding hands with them. He talks about them on variety shows and wanks off in bed, in the middle of the night, thinking about girls. Or so Changmin assumes.

There's a hitching breath against his neck.

"I thought it was gone," his hyung sobs softly. "You...you fucking ruined everything..."

His arms slide around Changmin's shoulders, holding on as if for dear life, despite the accusations that spill from his lips.

Changmin holds him tighter, feeling his heart - Junsu's heart - beat fast and nervous because this isn't real. This can't be happening. He can feel relief make its way under his skin even as he rejects it. He can't start thinking that he's not alone, because he is. He'll destroy them both.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs into his hair. "I'm so sorry. I didn't... I didn't know what to do, I had to tell you--"

Junsu pulls back, still in his arms, still so close. "You can't tell anyone. You ever heard of a gay pop singer?"

Changmin swallows hard, shaking his head. "I wouldn't tell anyone. I don't want anything to happen to the group. I swear, hyung." It's been his life so long he can't imagine it any other way.

"Stupid," Junsu tells him. "You're so stupid." But he doesn't let go. Whatever he thinks of him, he doesn't let go. "You told Jaejoong. You know he'll tell Yunho..." His chin trembles. "And he'll tell Yoochun."

Changmin dares to hold him tighter. Closer.

"Yoochun hyung won't be mad," Changmin murmurs, certain because he has to be. Junsu needs him to be. "He loves you, Su-yah. That won't change."

"You don't know anything," Junsu groans, but his sobs have slowed, his hold lax but not giving way as he hangs off of Changmin's frame. "This could end up so badly for us both. And for them," he whispers against Changmin's cheek. "You realize that, right?"

"I know," Changmin whispers, a hand rubbing gently between Junsu's shoulder blades. "It's all I've thought about. But..." he swallows hard. "We deserve to be happy, too."

Junsu's hands drop to his sides and Changmin feels his breath hitch. This is the moment when pushes him away. This is the moment where he hears the rejection.
"Together?" And Junsu is often pure and often silly, but however innocent, there's more behind the question than naiveté.

Changmin meets his eyes, drawing on the last reserves of his courage because this is too much. Too greedy, but he can't let it slip away.

"Y-yes. Together."

Junsu doesn't say anything. He doesn't smile. He just pulls away and tugs him by the hand until they're sitting and Changmin can feel himself dip into the bed, the mattress threatening to swallow him up.

Fingers curl into his shirt, tugging him onto the sheets.

"We should sleep on it," Junsu decides quietly, shoes and day clothes still on him. He makes no move to undress so neither does Changmin.

Silence falls between them, the anger gone but the uncertainty remaining. What has just happened between them? Changmin worries his bottom lip, watching Junsu's face in the dim light of the room. Can he talk to him about this now? Or was this one time, never to be mentioned again?

Can he touch him?

Can he fall asleep or does Junsu want to say more?

"Can you get the lamp?" his hyung asks softly, hands against his chest where he lies on his side, expression unreadable. Does he really mean to sleep here? It wouldn't be the first time, but after the things they've said, he doesn't know where they stand. If it means anything. If it's just within Junsu's immediate reach.

He waits till he shuts off the light, plunging the room into darkness to ask softly, "Are you still angry with me?"

Holds his breath for the other man's reply.

Hears the smile in his voice when Junsu answers "yes" and rolls over to face the wall. It's not quite back to normal, but it's a start.

*

The morning is awkward. Junsu scrambles off to his room first, sock-clad feet giving light thumps over the bare hallway floors and there's no way the others don't hear. Changmin waits twenty minutes to go shower and his hands are slippery with soap as he takes care of the night's tension. When he sees Junsu as the other man takes his turn, he can't help but blush. On some level, Junsu must know he does it, like he knows about the others. He's not sure if that's alright.

Jaejoong corners him at breakfast, all arched eyebrows and bedhead, arms crossed over his chest. "So is he behaving himself now or do I have to get Junho to come straighten him out?"

Changmin fights off a grin as he shakes his head. "It's okay, hyung. We're okay." It's all he has time to say before Junsu rolls in begging for food and Jaejoong becomes distracted, but it's enough. It settles the ball of anxiety in his stomach, at least for a while.

Yunho puts an arm around his neck and pokes his cheek, telling him he's missed his smile and it's enough to keep it going through the rest of breakfast.

Yoochun is dozing on the couch, remote in his lax hand, not even stirring when Jaejoong steals it and flips to the news. Yunho goes off to get dressed for a morning jog and Changmin is left in the kitchen with Junsu, gathering plates off of the table.

"Do you want to maybe go... shop... today? With me?" he hears himself ask, the words there but not, like someone else is using his mouth for him. It's strange because he's usually a reasoned creature and he likes to make sense when he talks. Jaejoong is the impulsive freak. He likes his hyung but not enough to start copying his ways.

Junsu dumps plates into the sink, letting water run over drying jam. "Sure." His voice is small and his eyes aren't on Changmin, but he doesn't sound angry. Worried, maybe, but not angry.

They've shopped together before. They shop all the time.

It's nothing new.

"I need new shoes," Changmin goes on, trying to justify himself. "And I remember you saying you wanted to check out that new cell phone they've been advertising. We could stop by the electronic store. Pick up lunch, but we don't have to if you're not hungry, I mean, we just had breakfast and everything..." He hopes Junsu will interrupt at some point and put him out of his misery.

The other man turns to him with a grin and it's like the lights are on stage and the music's playing and Changmin just forgot his lines. It wouldn't be the first time.

"That would be nice," he tells him.

Changmin smiles bright and wide until his cheeks hurt, eyes going mismatched. "Great," he replies, trying and failing not to seem too excited. "Just let me know when you want to go."

"Junsu!" a very drowsy, very lazy Yoochun calls from the livingroom. "If you go out, I want ice cream."

It earns an eye roll and a shout. "Yah, what am I? Your maid?"

"Yah, what was it you said, Jaejoong hyung?" Yoochun snaps his fingers, mouth settled in a smirk. "Be a good dongsaeng."

Junsu glares and Changmin laughs and everything feels so ridiculously normal that Changmin almost feels light-headed.

"Guess we should go about now, huh?" Junsu grouches. "Before they decide to send me out to buy crab cakes and caviar, too."

It's apropos and coincidental that Yunho decides to take that moment to return from his jog, clothes sticking to him and lips breaking into a wide grin. "I'd love some crab cakes, Junsu. Thanks."

"Yah!"

Changmin laughs, clapping his hands and running off to finish getting dressed when Junsu shoves at his shoulder. His heart feels full and his body light and he thinks is the first time he's heard his own laugh in weeks.

He meets Junsu by the front door an eternity later, because Junsu is slow when he wants to be and he looks like he actually put thought into his outfit. For some reason, that makes him grin a little and Yoochun whistles and everything is okay. Even if Junsu flips off their hyung.

"Don't push it."

He lets the other man drive because Junsu is a horrible nag if he doesn't and because he'd rather look at him than the road anyway. Fiddling with his seatbelt, Changmin reaches to turn on the radio, not loud enough to discourage conversation if Junsu initiates it.

Watches how the man's fingers curl around the wheel and realizes that he can't stop smiling.

"I'm definitely too nice to them," is how Junsu decides to speak up, pride evident in his voice. "You should mention that next time we do a Couple Talk or something. Tell them I'm your nicest hyung."

Changmin nods. "The nicest. And the most modest. And the hot--" He cuts himself off quickly, . "And the homeliest."

"Yah!" Junsu pinches him hard and with nails and Changmin yelps, giving the other man an injured look.

"I thought you were my nicest hyung?"

"I'm nice," Junsu protests, turning his eyes to the road, "I'm just selective. You can be homely, thank you very much. I'll take hot."

Changmin shakes his head. "Sorry, hyung. Are the fans calling you Model Max?" His tongue moves awkwardly over the English words. "I have hot cornered."

The blush ruins the attempt at arrogant swagger.

Junsu parks a little more abruptly than necessary, fighting to hide a smirk. "Yes," he murmurs over the echo of the door opening in the underground garage. "You do."

Changmin's cheeks burn.

They walk through the mall in sunglasses and ball caps, something Changmin is certain draws more attention to them than it diverts. He walks close to Junsu, their shoulders brushing occasionally, and Changmin has to keep his hands in his pockets to cull the urge to touch him.

It's not the first time he's felt it, this desire to wrap his hand around Junsu's, but he had excuses before. It was fanservice. It was being away from his family too long. This time all he has is the loud thump of his heart in his chest and a flicker of desire every time their gazes meet. He's like a school girl in love, he thinks, and it's not so far from the truth.

He's never wanted anyone like this before.

Changmin keeps his eyes on Junsu the whole time, whether watching his face as he talks or sneaking glances out of his periphreal. He nearly smacks into a couple people in his inattention, but it doesn't dissuade him in the least.

He notices things like the gentle curve of Junsu's ear, the bump of his nose in profile, how soft his lips look...his mind gives him a fleeting memory of how they felt against his and he can feel his ears heat.

They go for shoes first and it's at Junsu's reminder that he recalls he even needs a new pair. It's the part of the purpose of the trip, so Changmin does his best to focus on sizes and shapes and whether he wants something in white or light gray.

It's Junsu's opinion that the gray looks better, so that's what he settles on.

"You're the one who's going to have to wear them," his hyung points out as they step out of the shop. "Or are you just going to let Jaejoong 'borrow' them?"

"What? No way. If he wants shoes, he can buy his own." This pair has the Junsu seal of approval. The thought makes him grin like a fourteen year old.

He bumps shoulders casually with the older man. "Want to go look at phones?"

Junsu nods. "Sure. You can tell me which one fits my personality."

They loiter around the mall for a few hours longer, Junsu ultimately resolving to buy a new phone another day, 'to let the choices sink in', his way of saying he couldn't make up his mind. Headed back with takeout from a Western Fusion restaurant, Changmin listens to Junsu sing absently to himself, drumming his fingers in time and silently labeling their little outing in ways that make him grin shyly when he catches Junsu's eyes.

Yoochun is making ramen in the kitchen when they comeback, Jaejoong sweeping in and dragging Junsu off to set the table amidst the other man's protests. Changmin turns to grin at Yunho only to feel it fade at the man's serious expression.

"Hyung?" he questions, uncertain.

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Changmin?" His face is set, brow wrinkling with concern and things that Yunho can't easily put into words. He motions for him to follow into the living room where Yoochun has long vacated the couch.

Changmin flops down without needing to be told. "What's wrong?" And he thinks of course, of course something is wrong. Fate will always find a way to screw him over. Is this the part where Yunho tells him thanks but no thanks, we don't want fags in the group?

Fists clench with the possibility.

"I talked to Jaejoong this afternoon while the two of you were out," Yunho starts, his voice quiet and features almost grim. "He told me some things."

Changmin is going to kill Jaejoong. Punch him right in the mouth and split it open, except he wouldn't dare because for all he knows, Jaejoong is all he has.

"Oh," Changmin mumbles. Doesn't look at Yunho. Waits for the fallout.

"And I wanted to know," Yunho goes on, voice lower, manner more embarrassed than anything else, "if they were true." His eyes rise to meet Changmin's. "Are they?"

It's like asking the Oracle of Delphy, judging by the way he holds his breath and folds his hands into the couch for leverage. Then again, he could be readying a punch instead.

"Depends, hyung. What did Jaejoong say?" He's not offering anything. He knows better now.

Yunho takes a deep breath, as if searching for a tactful way to put it. A way to beautify the deviancy.

"Jaejoong told me that you're...interested in men. Romantically." He winces slightly.

Not sexually. Jaejoong may think it, but he wouldn't put it like that. He's too much the responsible hyung he pretends he's not to hijack Changmin's future. If he spoke up about it, it's because Changmin left him no choice.

"Is that... is that going to be a problem?" he asks, knowing it's a stupid question. Of course it is.

"That's kind of why I wanted to talk to you, Changmin-ah," Yunho admits and Changmin feels his eyes sting. He can't take this. Not again.

"Hyung, I promise, it won't be," he interjects quickly, fingers tight on the edge of the sofa cushion. Making his plea before Yunho can say that he's going to go to their manager, to Lee Soo Man. "I'm a professional, I can do it."

A look of confusion crosses Yunho's features and in the next moment, something like hurt flashes over his features.

"I'm not talking to you now as your leader, Min-ah," he murmurs, voice quiet and firm. "I'm talking to you as your hyung. I'm concerned about you, not the damn job."

Which means what, exactly? He won't tell their manager, but he'll tell their parents?

"Is that really want you want?" Yunho presses. "Are you sure you can be happy... like that?" A hand comes to rub at the back of his neck, like trying to work out mental kinks through the skin. "I'll support you in whatever you decide, but are you sure you've thought this through?"

"It's not..." Changmin takes a breath, pushing his knuckles into the cushion. "It's not a decision, hyung." He meets Yunho's eyes, needing him to understand. "It's not something I'm....trying out or experimenting with." His voice is small. "It's just...me."

Yunho furrows his brow, watching him for a moment. His struggle to find the words is obvious on his face. "I don't want you to get hurt, Min-ah. People with that life...they don't have it easy." A strong jaw tightens. "I don't want you to be alone, not after you've already lost out on so much because of this industry."

"I don't want to be alone either," he breathes, choking over the word because he can still feel Junsu's lips against his. Can still see Jaejoong take his defense when he didn't have to. He's not alone, but he doesn't want Yunho to abandon him even as he realizes he has no right to expect him to be okay with this. "I'll be careful, hyung."

Yunho nods, hesitating before continuing on. "I don't know much about any of this or how to...help, and so I'm kind of lost here." He meets Changmin's eyes, taking one of his hands in his own and nodding again, almost to himself. "Just...be very careful, dongsaeng."

Changmin grasps his hand like it's a lifeline, hanging on because this is more than he thought possible and it's slowly becoming apparent that he doesn't know his hyungs half as well as he should.

"Don't take this wrong way, Min-ah... but I really love you."

He swallows past the lump in his throat, giving in to impulse and leaning over to hug the older man tightly. Probably to the point of cutting off circulation.

"Thank you so much, hyung," he whispers, voice thick with tears of relief.

"You're welcome," Yunho murmurs, speaking against his ear. Hugs him a little tighter. "Let Su know that too, okay?"

"You know?" Of course he does. Yunho knows everything. He just pretends he doesn't for their own good. Because they need to figure things out for themselves. Or something equally corny that Changmin likes to think Yunho learned in leader camp.

"Yes," his hyung nods into his shoulder. "Now let go before I think you have the hots for me."

Changmin laughs but pulls back, wiping quickly at his eyes and smiling at the other man. "Not you, hyung."

Nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears Yoochun snort behind him. "Only his junsui Junsu. Honestly, Min-ah. Whatever happened to gay guys having taste?" The older man grins as Changmin gapes a little. "What? Did we need to have a scene? We can have a scene if you'd like."

Yunho's decision to throw a pillow rather than comment is welcome because it knocks the smirk out of those infuriating lips.

"Hey! What was that for?" Yoochun complains, rubbing at his head like the actor he is.

"Giving you your scene," Yunho retorts with a smile on his face, shifting off of the couch. "Aren't you supposed to be cooking?"

Yoochun arches an eyebrow. "Had to come and make sure you weren't hitting on Junsu's man."

Changmin turns bright red at that because he's not and they're not and why does Yoochun think that sort of thing is okay--

"You're a mean bastard," Yunho shoots back, but he's laughing, Changmin can hear it in his voice.

"Not a chance. I'm Cupid. I'm in this for the happy couple."

"Who?" Junsu asks, wandering into the room while munching on something or other. Leans against the wall, expression curious.

Yoochun, damn him, doesn't miss a beat. "You and Changminnie."

Junsu chokes and sputters for breath, one hand knocking against his chest. It's comical even as Changmin feels a pang of sympathy.

"Oh, so it's true!" Yoochun grins wide. "You okay, Su-ah?"

Junsu makes some kind of helpless noise, jumping in his skin as Jaejoong comes up behind him, slinging an arm around his shoulder.

"Minsu couple hwaiting," Jaejoong tells him with a gentle smile, the kind he never hides, not with them.

Changmin watches Junsu swallow hard, looking around at all of them. He anticipates the hand when it comes to pull him off the sofa, feet following because he wants out of there as badly as Junsu. It's one thing to have supportive hyungs. Quite another to have them playing matchmaker to your burgeoning relationship.

Escape plans always end with them in his room, the door closed behind them and Junsu dragging harsh breaths into his chest.

"They suck!"

Changmin looks at Junsu's affronted features, eyes wide and lips parted in indignance and can't help himself. Leans in to kiss the other boy, mouths pressed together, hands hovering just a milimeter away from cupping Junsu's jaw.

Junsu hesitates a second before giving and when he does, when it's not anger or fear or desperation that prompts him, it's enough to make Changmin's knees go weak and useless. Arms wrap around his back, holding him up when his stance wavers. Junsu kisses like he dances - he pours everything he has into the way he moves and sighs and moans - and Changmin shakes at the thought that this is how he... does other things too.

"You're trembling," Junsu points out helpfully when they break for breath. "What's wrong?"

"You," Changmin blurts out without thinking, hurrying to continue lest Junsu misunderstand him. "You're just so sexy," he breathes, blushing hard when he realizes how dumb he sounds. He's not good at the seduction thing.

But his hyung doesn't begrudge him his utter failure, instead grinning broadly, proud and happy, like he looks after a concert. "Yeah?" he breathes, nipping softly at Changmin's lips. It's only in this room, only between them that he'll play coy like this. Like there's something behind it.

Changmin understands that and more.

"Is it okay?" he asks. "If we're... together?"

Junsu's smile quiets but doesn't disappear. He brushes Changmin's bangs out of his eyes, quiet as he studies his face. "Yeah, Minnie. It's okay."

Later they'll talk it out, figure out the hows and the whats and how to survive what's to come. They'll make promises of discretion, step away from each other to avoid temptation, worry over whether they're strong enough to do this. But for now....there's been enough talk and enough worry and enough fear. For now they're content to enjoy this moment.

Junsu cups the nape of Changmin's neck with his palm, leaning up to kiss him again, a hand settled on his hip. They're unpracticed but eager, lips meeting again and again.

There is a bed and that's handy when the vertical get tough and lying down becomes an attractive option. Somehow Changmin falls first, flat on his back with an over eager Junsu on his lap. Their knees knock together, their hands catch in their shirts and Changmin groans a little when Junsu pulls on his hair, but it's good and heated and he gives in whole-heartedly because he never thought, for a second, that he'd ever have anything like it. Let alone with his hyung.

Fingers find his, pressing one hand to the bed beside his head.

Junsu pulls back to look down at him, lips pink and swollen with the force of their kiss, a flush in his cheeks. He's gorgeous and whoever thinks Jaejoong is the beauty in the group is sorely mistaken.

The flush on his hyung's face deepens and it's then Changmin realizes he's spoken outloud.

"Save it for lyrics, Min-ah," Junsu grumbles softly, but his eyes say he's pleased, as does the twitch at the sides of his mouth. He leans in to kiss a path up Changmin's throat, weight warm and welcome atop him.

"Don't think this is something I want to share with anyone," Changmin breathes. Doesn't mention he can't. He doesn't want to anyway. The way Junsu kisses is private knowledge. The way he feels when he rubs up against him, legs spread and shirt riding up over his chest.

Changmin's free hand traces the ridges in his spine, counting ribs and muscles whose names he can't remember, pressing him close.

He feels the other man's hand at his side, slipping under his shirt and over his stomach. Cool against his heated skin and Changmin feels a shiver run through him.

"Junsu.." he whispers softly against the other man's lips. Liking the taste of his name on his tongue.

His hyung grins devilishly into the line of his jaw, drawing back to look at him. Hair falls into his eyes, mouth kiss-swollen as he bears down on Changmin's waist. "You sound so nice, Min-ah. You have such a nice... voice..." He chokes a little on the words and it's good to hear him suffer the same difficulties he is.

"Just a nice voice, hyung?" he teases breathlessly, squirming a little because fuck, he's hard in his pants from being this close, from the heady knowledge of what Junsu tastes like.

"A nice body... too," Junsu pants, heart thumping in his chest and even if his grin is ear-splitting, at least he shivers like he wants this as much as Changmin does - reassuring, given how he arches up against him, trying to increase the friction.

Changmin needs to kiss him again, sliding his fingers into Junsu's hair and tugging his mouth down, kissing him hard and fleeting, breathing too hard to hold it for long. "Su-yah..."

He can't believe this. Can't believe he gets to have him like this.

"Take off your shirt. Please, hyung."

Junsu scrambles to his haunches, hands shaking as he obeys and it's good timing, because Changmin is panting too hard to fit begging in. His hyung's head catches in the shirt and for a moment it's more hilarious than sexy, but it's okay. It's okay because it's Junsu and once he breaks free - with some help from Changmin, as it happens - he's the one smiling down at him, he's the one leaning over him all warm and beautiful and familiar.

Changmin bares his neck to him, eyes finding the ceiling and hanging to every crack in the imperfect white, like it'll stop him from tumbling over the edge in the most pathetic way possible.

And then Junsu shifts on top of him and Changmin feels his hyung's hard cock digging into his thigh. He thinks he might've stopped breathing in an attempt not to come right then and fucking there.

"Min? Min... Min, do you feel that?" Junsu sounds breathless and scared, voice coming through in short, sharp sentences. "Feel that? That's me... because of... you and..."

Changmin clamps a hand over his mouth in an effort to silence him. Not trusting himself to speak either. Takes Junsu's wrist, bring his hand up to press over the bulge in Changmin's jeans. Meets Junsu's eyes nervously even as he fights not to move instinctively into the touch.

He watches Junsu's throat bob as he swallows and then Junsu is kissing him again, passionate and messy and his hand is rubbing over his erection, friction not enough if it were to come from his own hand. As it is, Changmin whimpers between kisses, clawing at the other man's back as he fights to hold on.

And fails just as quickly.

Moans loudly into the other man's mouth as his hips push forward and his back arches, coming hard in his pants as one hand clutches Junsu's shoulder. Pleasure rushes over him like a wave, leaving him boneless and dazed under the other man, panting for breath.

He's never come harder in his life. He's never been more embarrassed in his life.

With some difficulty, he meets Junsu's eyes through lowered lashes, the muscles in his body relaxing too quickly - taking his high away too quickly.

"Sorry," he breathes, even as he can't find it in him to be remorseful.

"Fuck, don't be," Junsu whispers, touching his cheek. Kissing him hard and even more breathless. "That was so...Changmin....will you...uh... touch me?"

Changmin nods shakily, hand moving slowly even as he wills it to open Junsu's zipper. "Yeah... gods, yeah I want to see you..." Do that. Do what he's heard him do for weeks and months and years, under the covers.

Gets the button undone one-handed, sliding his hand inside Junsu's pants. Breath catching as he feels hot, hard flesh under his fingertips, curling his hand around the other man's length. Junsu makes a soft noise in the back of his throat.

"Please... please, please, Min-ah, do it... do it, don't s-stop..." He talks non-stop, spine curved as he leans against him and blocks Changmin's view. "Feels so good, Min... so good."

THe words encourage him, moving his fist faster up and down the other man's cock, coaxing him towards orgasm. Wants to feel it. To see it.

"Come on, Su-yah...c-come for me.." Can't believe he's saying the words he's imagined and heard in porn until they've lost all meaning - can't believe he's repeating them to his hyung and that Junsu breathes harder at the sound.

"Oh fuck... Changmin--" Junsu doesn't scream or moan when he comes. He doesn't talk either. His body just goes taut and his lips part, but there is no sound. Just a whispered noise as wetness coats Changmin's palm.

It's his own name.

His heart gives a painful throb in his chest, feeling the hot slick of Junsu's release in his palm. He hides his face against Junsu's neck, drawing in a ragged breath.

"I love you," he whispers.

Junsu laughs against his ear, the sound more of an exhale than anything else. "Idiot. I love you, too." And it's not perfect or squeaky clean or particularly dignified, but he's said the words and he's heard them said back, at least once. At least this one time, he doesn't have to fear who he's become.

Who he's always been.

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