sweetest songs come from saddest thoughts
bobby/b.i + a smidge of donghyuk/bobby | pg-13 | 3035w | college!au
bobby: dude guess wat
bobby: dude
bobby: dude
bobby: i'm not going to stop until u answer
hanbin: ?
bobby: so last night i was at a party n this guy donghyuk was supposed to do a body shot off me
bobby: the dude was so nervous he grabbed the salt instead of the alc LOL
bobby: he kissed like a middle schooler and my stupid drunk self told him that
bobby: now he won't talk to me anymore help me
hanbin stares at his laptop, jealousy heavy and thick on his tongue. he swallows hard and closes his eyes, but the words are etched into the inside of his eyelids. and they burn. oh, how they burn. breathe, hanbin. breathe. you can do this.
he can't and he knows it. but fuck if he won't try.
hanbin: lol gg..
hanbin: you always fuck up, man.
bobby: i know i know i'm a fuckup =(
bobby: pls help me
hanbin: what makes you think i can help? i don't even know him.
bobby: yeah ig but he's kinda cute
hanbin inhales and exhales slowly and tries not to notice how his breath shakes. bobby thought gollum was cute, hanbin thinks. maybe this donghyuk guy looks like gollum. but of course, that wouldn't be true. no matter what fugly characters or dolls or whatever shit bobby was weirdly into, his standards on girls and boys are way too high for someone who looks like that. hanbin tries to conjure an image of drunk bobby crying over his ex-girlfriend with swollen eyes and snot running down his chin. yes. that works. okay. he's good. for now.
bobby: u there or wat fool
hanbin: i'm here.
hanbin: stop being a little bitch and just go talk to him.
bobby: ouch
bobby: but ur right ok i;m gonna text him
bobby: wat if he thinks i'm annoying
hanbin: he probably already thinks you're annoying.
bobby: =(
sighing, hanbin shuts his laptop to escape bobby's excessive pining over this donghyuk guy. he pulls out his tattered notebook from his backpack.
"i can't believe i'm still doing this," he mutters as he picks up a pen.
'When the wind penetrates through my heart, there's nothing that can fill it, but you. Only lingering feelings pile up.'
・°☆.。
bobby and hanbin had become fast friends ever since bobby moved to korea six years ago. hanbin tends to set up high protective walls around his heart, but somehow bobby managed to break through every single one of them and earned his status of Best Friend Who Did The Impossible™. no matter how much hanbin wants to argue against it, it's true. it took jinhwan, his other childhood best friend, all his life to get to the point he's at right now and he's not even at bobby's level. he's deemed Best Friend Who's Never Going To Succeed™ by junhwe. junhwe is hanbin's roommate, but since he's a passive-aggressive angsty emoteen, the best he can be is I Tolerate Him™. junhwe is also kind of an asshole.
"are you crying over bobby hyung? expected. typical. why did i even ask."
okay. junhwe is an asshole period.
hanbin looks up as junhwe throws himself onto the bed. he looks awful. and smells awful. hanbin wrinkles his nose.
"you look and smell like shit."
"i know. haven't you ever seen someone hungover before?"
"hungover?" hanbin repeats, raising his eyebrows. "did you go to a party?"
"yeah. the one bobby hyung was at." junhwe mumbles, arm thrown over his face. "it was crazy. that's why i knew you were crying over him."
"i wasn't crying." hanbin protests.
"then why is that ratty old notebook out?"
hanbin stiffens. so does junhwe.
"shit. sorry. i'm just--"
"hungover. yeah. shut up."
junhwe sighs and rolls over to probably pass the fuck out. hanbin tries glaring fiery holes into junhwe's back, but, alas, no use. it really wasn't junhwe's fault he found out about hanbin's notebook. junhwe had asked for hanbin's math notes and hanbin had accidentally given junhwe the notebook he uses to desperately (not to mention pitifully) pine after bobby for a couple days. junhwe, being the emotionally constipated freak he is, had no idea how to tell hanbin about it and kept it in his drawer until hanbin had begrudgingly and shamefully asked for it back. things were tense for a while, but junhwe had told hanbin he didn't give two shits whether or not hanbin liked boys like bobby or things like boobies. but of course, it was just hanbin's luck that the only person who knows about his pathetic crush on bobby was emo tween junhwe, not kind-hearted wise jinhwan.
hanbin's phone buzzes.
bobby: talked w donghyuk! guess who has a date tom? ya boiiiiiiiiiii
he tries really hard not to cry.
'Whenever I think about you, even if it's just for a short moment, tears come bursting out.'
・°☆.。
if it were possible, hanbin would've put some space between himself and bobby until his feelings subsided. however, this is reality and it's practically impossible considering they're best friends. bobby would've noticed something was wrong and would've demanded to know what's going on. hanbin's not a great liar. he would've crumbled the moment bobby confronted him about it.
although he's not a great liar, he's great at faking it. he's great at faking that he doesn't want to hold hands with bobby when they're walking together, side by side. he's great at faking that he doesn't want to lean over and plant a kiss on bobby's cheek when he's in reaching distance. he's great at faking that he doesn't want to attach himself to bobby whenever they're together with people or alone. he's great at faking that he's not jealous whenever bobby's with someone else or saying sweet somethings to them. he's great at faking that he doesn't cry himself to sleep sometimes to the thought of what might've been if bobby felt the same way. or if hanbin never felt this way.
sometimes he's not great at faking it. sometimes hanbin hangs off of bobby, chin resting on his shoulder as he enjoys the heat radiating off bobby's body. sometimes he links arms and never lets go, wanting to selfishly keep bobby at arms length at all times. sometimes he opens his arms just to see bobby happily sliding into them and hanbin feels warm and childishly happy.
however, what's worse are situations like now. bobby had burst into hanbin's room after his long day of classes and collapsed on top of him, mumbling to wake him up in half an hour. before he had dozed off, he slid his fingers in between hanbin's, the weight of his hand heavy and warm in hanbin's palm. hanbin's heart squeezes tight and it's suffocating. sometimes bobby acts so fucking domestic, it hurts hanbin to the core, shaking him to the bone whenever he's alone in bed late at night, thinking of what could be and could've been. hanbin feels his head reeling, a mixture of happiness and sadness swelling up inside his chest.
after fifteen minutes of white noise blaring in hanbin's ears, he settles down and hums a soft sad tune, adjusting to the familiarity of bobby's body weight.
'I think I'm going crazy. Maybe that's why I'm getting so tired. How many more days do I have to pray? How many more glasses will I have to empty?'
・°☆.。
hanbin doesn't say anything the night bobby leaves for his first date with donghyuk. he doesn't say anything before his second date either. or third. or fourth. or fifth.
so, he doesn't say anything tonight either. he doesn't remember what number tonight's date is. he stopped keeping count long ago. he keeps his phone turned off, as always. bobby stops questioning about it after awhile. he's holed up in his room, watching shitty chick flicks with a variety of ice cream tubs laid out in front of him when bobby bursts through his door. the spoon that was dangling in his mouth drops as hanbin looks up at a sweaty bobby incredulously.
"the fuck?" hanbin splutters.
"i need your physics notes." bobby pants, hurrying over to hanbin's desk.
"why? you don't even take physics."
"donghyuk wanted to go on a date at the library and i don't have any notes or studying material with me. donghyuk is a physics major, remember?"
hanbin snorts. why would he remember? whenever bobby goes on and on about how great this donghyuk nerd is, hanbin does his utmost best to try to tune it out, thinking about anything and everything except bobby and the nerd.
"whatever. it's on my desk. knock yourself out." hanbin grunts, trying to ignore how good bobby looks.
it's proven difficult when bobby walks in front of hanbin and flashes him a wide toothy grin before pulling hanbin into a hug. laundry detergent smell floods hanbin's nose when his face is forcibly pressed into the crook between bobby's neck and shoulder. his heart drops to his feet.
"thanks man. i owe you."
and like that, bobby's gone. hanbin feels empty, too empty. he stares at his melting ice cream. he stares until tears blur out his vision. he crawls into bed and presses his face into his pillow, pain and hurt coursing through his body as he sobs. he can't breathe. he can't breathe, but it's okay. it'll be okay. he'll be okay.
'You came with the wind. Don't leave your scent behind. Just like a few autumn leaves fallen on the swamp, I'm worthless. There's no reason for you to pick me up.'
hanbin stares up at the ceiling, repeating those words over and over again in his mind. those sentences are etched in his brain, tattooed on his skin like the rest of the contents in his notebook. he thinks back to when things were simple and innocent. when things were comfortable. when actions like holding hands and hugging didn't have double meaning. when feelings like longingness and jealousy weren't a part of his vocabulary. he misses the old bobby. he misses the bobby he was friends with before feelings changed on hanbin's part. he misses old hanbin. old hanbin would've been there for bobby and whoever the fuck he would be dating. old hanbin would've helped bobby get into his or her pants and crack crude jokes to get bobby riled up. old hanbin would've been happy for bobby-- happy that bobby had found someone to love. but the hanbin now isn't that hanbin anymore.
now, the new hanbin copes.
he copes in painful silence.
・°☆.。
it takes a couple hours for hanbin to get out of bed and clean up the ice cream soup mess. he washes his face and trudges back to his room. he flops onto his chair and sticks his hand into his backpack, only to feel nothing. he blanches. his notebook is gone. he starts looking through all his drawers, his backpacks, under his bed, everywhere. and he comes up with nothing. he freezes over, shaking, as he remembers bobby swooping all the notebooks on hanbin's desk into his bag before leaving.
bobby.
hanbin forgets how to breathe.
he waits in painful silence for bobby to walk into his room, to tell him that he's with donghyuk now, to tell him sorry and he can't. that he can't be friends anymore. that he can't acknowledge hanbin's feelings because they're best friends and he doesn't want that to change. and hanbin understands. he understands all of this so fucking much that he's almost scared. he's so used to feeling this way for bobby, so used to wanting so much more than what they have, he's scared that reality will take it away from him.
because there is no way old hanbin is coming back.
there is no way hanbin can stop loving bobby. he can't stop wanting to hold hands with him, wanting to kiss him, wanting to hold him all the time, wanting him to be his and his only. he can't stop resenting donghyuk even though he doesn't even know him. donghyuk can be the sweetest nerd for all he knows (he knows) but hanbin just can't. he can't, knowing that donghyuk was and is able to do everything hanbin had wanted to do for years.
he falls asleep at 5:30 am to the aching realization that bobby wasn't coming back. and he might not ever come back.
・°☆.。
a week passes and hanbin spends it in bed. he stops going to class, fearing he might bump into bobby. bobby had given junhwe hanbin's notebooks except for the Pining For Bobby notebook. hanbin tries not to think about it too much.
for the first few days, he had used sleeping pills as a crutch to fall asleep in order to not think and possibly cry. by the end of the week, his pills mysteriously ended up in junhwe's trashcan. even though he's a piece of shit, he's an endearing piece of shit, hanbin muses.
after much persuasion (and violence) from jinhwan's end, hanbin starts going to class at the start of the second week. bobby is nowhere to be seen and hanbin's heart lifts a little. he hasn't turned on his phone or went online since that night and it drives junhwe and jinhwan crazy. but that's how he copes.
and it works.
until hanbin wakes up from a nap, his left arm dead and his left side warmer than his right. hanbin turns his head in confusion and grunts when his chin comes intact with a head. a head? hanbin blinks the sleep out of his eyes rapidly and peers down blearily at the bed intruder. his heart stops.
"hanbin."
hanbin's lips are sewn shut as bobby keeps his face firmly against hanbin's neck, hands clutching the fabric of hanbin's sweater.
"hanbin-ah."
tears prickle in hanbin's eyes and shame creeps up the back of his neck, but he swallows it down. he swallows it all down and takes a shuddering breath.
"did you know, hanbin," bobby mumbles, his voice vibrating against his skin, "that the sweetest songs come from the saddest thoughts?"
bobby pulls away and he's not smiling. he's frowning and his eyes look somber and glossy as he gazes down at hanbin.
"hanbin, why are you so sad? why do i make you so sad?"
hanbin's heart breaks. his heart breaks and shatters so loud in his ears, he wonders if bobby heard it. he wonders if his face expression mirrors bobby's. he wonders if his heart does, too.
"you came with the wind." hanbin starts, voice hoarse. "don't leave your scent behind."
bobby looks blankly down at him in silence.
"just like the autumn leaves fallen on the swamp, i'm worthless." hanbin's voice cracks, but he goes on. he fights. "there's no reason for you to pick me up."
tears blur hanbin's vision and bobby's face becomes nothing but a blob. hanbin sits up and blinks rapidly, wiping at them with the sleeves of his sweater. when hanbin looks back at bobby, bobby isn't looking at him anymore, but at his hands.
"is it true?"
bobby looks up and locks eyes with hanbin determinedly.
"is everything you wrote in there true?"
this time, it's hanbin who lowers his gaze and fixes his attention on a rip in his jeans. "yeah. yeah, it is."
there's a long pause before there's a rustling of paper and the notebook is suddenly on hanbin's lap, open to the last page hanbin had scribbled on.
"read it."
right underneath hanbin's last entry are a few lines written in bobby's handwriting. hanbin's breath hitches as he looks up at bobby.
"is it...?"
"yeah."
"are you sure?"
bobby smiles that one smile hanbin is so desperately in love with, the corners of his mouth curled up as if it'd touch his ears. hanbin's heart shakes. or maybe he's shaking. he doesn't know.
"jiwon." hanbin's voice drops to a whisper, hands fisting into bobby's oversized shirt. "jiwon. you can't play me like this. if it's not true, i can't--"
a pair of lips find his and he immediately stops talking, leaning into the familiar warmth he's so, so, so in love with. when they part, hanbin leans his forehead against bobby's, their noses gently bumping together. their breaths mingle as one and hanbin can't stop smiling.
"'please don't say that this is the end.'" bobby mutters as he leans in to press a kiss against hanbin's nose.
"'if you still love me, please don't leave me.'" he presses a kiss against his left cheek.
"'i will try to glue the already broken bowl back together.'" he presses a kiss against his right cheek.
"'i will try to gather the spilt water all together again.'" he presses a kiss to his lips.
hanbin grimaces, but his insides are burning up from happiness and pure joy. "you're gross."
bobby laughs and softly smacks hanbin's head before pulling him into his arms, back down into bed.
"you love me."
"yeah." hanbin mumbles, cheek resting comfortably against bobby's chest. "yeah, i do."
'Please don't say that this is the end. If you still love me, please don't leave me. I will try to glue the already broken bowl back together again. I will try to gather to spilt water all together again.'
・°☆.。
"so what happened to donghyuk?" junhwe asks, passing bobby a beer.
bobby takes a swig before setting the bottle down with a small smile.
"there was no donghyuk."
junhwe blinks. "what."
"there was never a donghyuk."
"but. i saw you with him." junhwe frowns. "also, we were at the same party. what am i missing here?"
bobby shrugs, glancing over at hanbin shouting profanities at jinhwan who was currently beating him at super smash brothers mercilessly.
"there was no donghyuk. it was always hanbin."
"i don't get it."
"one day, junhwe, puberty will give you a maturity laxative and you will shit out all this emotional constipation you have built up in your system."
junhwe splutters in indignation as bobby walks off with his beer to settle right behind hanbin, chin resting on his shoulder.
"who's winning?" bobby hums, arms winding around hanbin's waist.
"jinhwan hyung." hanbin huffs, disgruntled as he steals some of bobby's beer.
"it's okay. at least you won my heart, right?"
hanbin proceeds to spit his mouthful of beer out. he now owes jinhwan another wii.
・°☆.。
well, that's over. i used 'i miss you so bad' lyrics as hanbin's sad emo lyrics. they might be out of context, but you get the gist. some personal experience might be sprinkled in some places here and there.
if you don't get the whole "there was no donghyuk" part, then i'm sorry. you will get over the emotional constipation soon. i promise. junhwe will be right there beside you on your journey.
anyways, i hope you guys liked it. comments are very welcomed!
bobby: dude guess wat
bobby: dude
bobby: dude
bobby: i'm not going to stop until u answer
hanbin: ?
bobby: so last night i was at a party n this guy donghyuk was supposed to do a body shot off me
bobby: the dude was so nervous he grabbed the salt instead of the alc LOL
bobby: he kissed like a middle schooler and my stupid drunk self told him that
bobby: now he won't talk to me anymore help me
hanbin stares at his laptop, jealousy heavy and thick on his tongue. he swallows hard and closes his eyes, but the words are etched into the inside of his eyelids. and they burn. oh, how they burn. breathe, hanbin. breathe. you can do this.
he can't and he knows it. but fuck if he won't try.
hanbin: lol gg..
hanbin: you always fuck up, man.
bobby: i know i know i'm a fuckup =(
bobby: pls help me
hanbin: what makes you think i can help? i don't even know him.
bobby: yeah ig but he's kinda cute
hanbin inhales and exhales slowly and tries not to notice how his breath shakes. bobby thought gollum was cute, hanbin thinks. maybe this donghyuk guy looks like gollum. but of course, that wouldn't be true. no matter what fugly characters or dolls or whatever shit bobby was weirdly into, his standards on girls and boys are way too high for someone who looks like that. hanbin tries to conjure an image of drunk bobby crying over his ex-girlfriend with swollen eyes and snot running down his chin. yes. that works. okay. he's good. for now.
bobby: u there or wat fool
hanbin: i'm here.
hanbin: stop being a little bitch and just go talk to him.
bobby: ouch
bobby: but ur right ok i;m gonna text him
bobby: wat if he thinks i'm annoying
hanbin: he probably already thinks you're annoying.
bobby: =(
sighing, hanbin shuts his laptop to escape bobby's excessive pining over this donghyuk guy. he pulls out his tattered notebook from his backpack.
"i can't believe i'm still doing this," he mutters as he picks up a pen.
'When the wind penetrates through my heart, there's nothing that can fill it, but you. Only lingering feelings pile up.'
・°☆.。
bobby and hanbin had become fast friends ever since bobby moved to korea six years ago. hanbin tends to set up high protective walls around his heart, but somehow bobby managed to break through every single one of them and earned his status of Best Friend Who Did The Impossible™. no matter how much hanbin wants to argue against it, it's true. it took jinhwan, his other childhood best friend, all his life to get to the point he's at right now and he's not even at bobby's level. he's deemed Best Friend Who's Never Going To Succeed™ by junhwe. junhwe is hanbin's roommate, but since he's a passive-aggressive angsty emoteen, the best he can be is I Tolerate Him™. junhwe is also kind of an asshole.
"are you crying over bobby hyung? expected. typical. why did i even ask."
okay. junhwe is an asshole period.
hanbin looks up as junhwe throws himself onto the bed. he looks awful. and smells awful. hanbin wrinkles his nose.
"you look and smell like shit."
"i know. haven't you ever seen someone hungover before?"
"hungover?" hanbin repeats, raising his eyebrows. "did you go to a party?"
"yeah. the one bobby hyung was at." junhwe mumbles, arm thrown over his face. "it was crazy. that's why i knew you were crying over him."
"i wasn't crying." hanbin protests.
"then why is that ratty old notebook out?"
hanbin stiffens. so does junhwe.
"shit. sorry. i'm just--"
"hungover. yeah. shut up."
junhwe sighs and rolls over to probably pass the fuck out. hanbin tries glaring fiery holes into junhwe's back, but, alas, no use. it really wasn't junhwe's fault he found out about hanbin's notebook. junhwe had asked for hanbin's math notes and hanbin had accidentally given junhwe the notebook he uses to desperately (not to mention pitifully) pine after bobby for a couple days. junhwe, being the emotionally constipated freak he is, had no idea how to tell hanbin about it and kept it in his drawer until hanbin had begrudgingly and shamefully asked for it back. things were tense for a while, but junhwe had told hanbin he didn't give two shits whether or not hanbin liked boys like bobby or things like boobies. but of course, it was just hanbin's luck that the only person who knows about his pathetic crush on bobby was emo tween junhwe, not kind-hearted wise jinhwan.
hanbin's phone buzzes.
bobby: talked w donghyuk! guess who has a date tom? ya boiiiiiiiiiii
he tries really hard not to cry.
'Whenever I think about you, even if it's just for a short moment, tears come bursting out.'
・°☆.。
if it were possible, hanbin would've put some space between himself and bobby until his feelings subsided. however, this is reality and it's practically impossible considering they're best friends. bobby would've noticed something was wrong and would've demanded to know what's going on. hanbin's not a great liar. he would've crumbled the moment bobby confronted him about it.
although he's not a great liar, he's great at faking it. he's great at faking that he doesn't want to hold hands with bobby when they're walking together, side by side. he's great at faking that he doesn't want to lean over and plant a kiss on bobby's cheek when he's in reaching distance. he's great at faking that he doesn't want to attach himself to bobby whenever they're together with people or alone. he's great at faking that he's not jealous whenever bobby's with someone else or saying sweet somethings to them. he's great at faking that he doesn't cry himself to sleep sometimes to the thought of what might've been if bobby felt the same way. or if hanbin never felt this way.
sometimes he's not great at faking it. sometimes hanbin hangs off of bobby, chin resting on his shoulder as he enjoys the heat radiating off bobby's body. sometimes he links arms and never lets go, wanting to selfishly keep bobby at arms length at all times. sometimes he opens his arms just to see bobby happily sliding into them and hanbin feels warm and childishly happy.
however, what's worse are situations like now. bobby had burst into hanbin's room after his long day of classes and collapsed on top of him, mumbling to wake him up in half an hour. before he had dozed off, he slid his fingers in between hanbin's, the weight of his hand heavy and warm in hanbin's palm. hanbin's heart squeezes tight and it's suffocating. sometimes bobby acts so fucking domestic, it hurts hanbin to the core, shaking him to the bone whenever he's alone in bed late at night, thinking of what could be and could've been. hanbin feels his head reeling, a mixture of happiness and sadness swelling up inside his chest.
after fifteen minutes of white noise blaring in hanbin's ears, he settles down and hums a soft sad tune, adjusting to the familiarity of bobby's body weight.
'I think I'm going crazy. Maybe that's why I'm getting so tired. How many more days do I have to pray? How many more glasses will I have to empty?'
・°☆.。
hanbin doesn't say anything the night bobby leaves for his first date with donghyuk. he doesn't say anything before his second date either. or third. or fourth. or fifth.
so, he doesn't say anything tonight either. he doesn't remember what number tonight's date is. he stopped keeping count long ago. he keeps his phone turned off, as always. bobby stops questioning about it after awhile. he's holed up in his room, watching shitty chick flicks with a variety of ice cream tubs laid out in front of him when bobby bursts through his door. the spoon that was dangling in his mouth drops as hanbin looks up at a sweaty bobby incredulously.
"the fuck?" hanbin splutters.
"i need your physics notes." bobby pants, hurrying over to hanbin's desk.
"why? you don't even take physics."
"donghyuk wanted to go on a date at the library and i don't have any notes or studying material with me. donghyuk is a physics major, remember?"
hanbin snorts. why would he remember? whenever bobby goes on and on about how great this donghyuk nerd is, hanbin does his utmost best to try to tune it out, thinking about anything and everything except bobby and the nerd.
"whatever. it's on my desk. knock yourself out." hanbin grunts, trying to ignore how good bobby looks.
it's proven difficult when bobby walks in front of hanbin and flashes him a wide toothy grin before pulling hanbin into a hug. laundry detergent smell floods hanbin's nose when his face is forcibly pressed into the crook between bobby's neck and shoulder. his heart drops to his feet.
"thanks man. i owe you."
and like that, bobby's gone. hanbin feels empty, too empty. he stares at his melting ice cream. he stares until tears blur out his vision. he crawls into bed and presses his face into his pillow, pain and hurt coursing through his body as he sobs. he can't breathe. he can't breathe, but it's okay. it'll be okay. he'll be okay.
'You came with the wind. Don't leave your scent behind. Just like a few autumn leaves fallen on the swamp, I'm worthless. There's no reason for you to pick me up.'
hanbin stares up at the ceiling, repeating those words over and over again in his mind. those sentences are etched in his brain, tattooed on his skin like the rest of the contents in his notebook. he thinks back to when things were simple and innocent. when things were comfortable. when actions like holding hands and hugging didn't have double meaning. when feelings like longingness and jealousy weren't a part of his vocabulary. he misses the old bobby. he misses the bobby he was friends with before feelings changed on hanbin's part. he misses old hanbin. old hanbin would've been there for bobby and whoever the fuck he would be dating. old hanbin would've helped bobby get into his or her pants and crack crude jokes to get bobby riled up. old hanbin would've been happy for bobby-- happy that bobby had found someone to love. but the hanbin now isn't that hanbin anymore.
now, the new hanbin copes.
he copes in painful silence.
・°☆.。
it takes a couple hours for hanbin to get out of bed and clean up the ice cream soup mess. he washes his face and trudges back to his room. he flops onto his chair and sticks his hand into his backpack, only to feel nothing. he blanches. his notebook is gone. he starts looking through all his drawers, his backpacks, under his bed, everywhere. and he comes up with nothing. he freezes over, shaking, as he remembers bobby swooping all the notebooks on hanbin's desk into his bag before leaving.
bobby.
hanbin forgets how to breathe.
he waits in painful silence for bobby to walk into his room, to tell him that he's with donghyuk now, to tell him sorry and he can't. that he can't be friends anymore. that he can't acknowledge hanbin's feelings because they're best friends and he doesn't want that to change. and hanbin understands. he understands all of this so fucking much that he's almost scared. he's so used to feeling this way for bobby, so used to wanting so much more than what they have, he's scared that reality will take it away from him.
because there is no way old hanbin is coming back.
there is no way hanbin can stop loving bobby. he can't stop wanting to hold hands with him, wanting to kiss him, wanting to hold him all the time, wanting him to be his and his only. he can't stop resenting donghyuk even though he doesn't even know him. donghyuk can be the sweetest nerd for all he knows (he knows) but hanbin just can't. he can't, knowing that donghyuk was and is able to do everything hanbin had wanted to do for years.
he falls asleep at 5:30 am to the aching realization that bobby wasn't coming back. and he might not ever come back.
・°☆.。
a week passes and hanbin spends it in bed. he stops going to class, fearing he might bump into bobby. bobby had given junhwe hanbin's notebooks except for the Pining For Bobby notebook. hanbin tries not to think about it too much.
for the first few days, he had used sleeping pills as a crutch to fall asleep in order to not think and possibly cry. by the end of the week, his pills mysteriously ended up in junhwe's trashcan. even though he's a piece of shit, he's an endearing piece of shit, hanbin muses.
after much persuasion (and violence) from jinhwan's end, hanbin starts going to class at the start of the second week. bobby is nowhere to be seen and hanbin's heart lifts a little. he hasn't turned on his phone or went online since that night and it drives junhwe and jinhwan crazy. but that's how he copes.
and it works.
until hanbin wakes up from a nap, his left arm dead and his left side warmer than his right. hanbin turns his head in confusion and grunts when his chin comes intact with a head. a head? hanbin blinks the sleep out of his eyes rapidly and peers down blearily at the bed intruder. his heart stops.
"hanbin."
hanbin's lips are sewn shut as bobby keeps his face firmly against hanbin's neck, hands clutching the fabric of hanbin's sweater.
"hanbin-ah."
tears prickle in hanbin's eyes and shame creeps up the back of his neck, but he swallows it down. he swallows it all down and takes a shuddering breath.
"did you know, hanbin," bobby mumbles, his voice vibrating against his skin, "that the sweetest songs come from the saddest thoughts?"
bobby pulls away and he's not smiling. he's frowning and his eyes look somber and glossy as he gazes down at hanbin.
"hanbin, why are you so sad? why do i make you so sad?"
hanbin's heart breaks. his heart breaks and shatters so loud in his ears, he wonders if bobby heard it. he wonders if his face expression mirrors bobby's. he wonders if his heart does, too.
"you came with the wind." hanbin starts, voice hoarse. "don't leave your scent behind."
bobby looks blankly down at him in silence.
"just like the autumn leaves fallen on the swamp, i'm worthless." hanbin's voice cracks, but he goes on. he fights. "there's no reason for you to pick me up."
tears blur hanbin's vision and bobby's face becomes nothing but a blob. hanbin sits up and blinks rapidly, wiping at them with the sleeves of his sweater. when hanbin looks back at bobby, bobby isn't looking at him anymore, but at his hands.
"is it true?"
bobby looks up and locks eyes with hanbin determinedly.
"is everything you wrote in there true?"
this time, it's hanbin who lowers his gaze and fixes his attention on a rip in his jeans. "yeah. yeah, it is."
there's a long pause before there's a rustling of paper and the notebook is suddenly on hanbin's lap, open to the last page hanbin had scribbled on.
"read it."
right underneath hanbin's last entry are a few lines written in bobby's handwriting. hanbin's breath hitches as he looks up at bobby.
"is it...?"
"yeah."
"are you sure?"
bobby smiles that one smile hanbin is so desperately in love with, the corners of his mouth curled up as if it'd touch his ears. hanbin's heart shakes. or maybe he's shaking. he doesn't know.
"jiwon." hanbin's voice drops to a whisper, hands fisting into bobby's oversized shirt. "jiwon. you can't play me like this. if it's not true, i can't--"
a pair of lips find his and he immediately stops talking, leaning into the familiar warmth he's so, so, so in love with. when they part, hanbin leans his forehead against bobby's, their noses gently bumping together. their breaths mingle as one and hanbin can't stop smiling.
"'please don't say that this is the end.'" bobby mutters as he leans in to press a kiss against hanbin's nose.
"'if you still love me, please don't leave me.'" he presses a kiss against his left cheek.
"'i will try to glue the already broken bowl back together.'" he presses a kiss against his right cheek.
"'i will try to gather the spilt water all together again.'" he presses a kiss to his lips.
hanbin grimaces, but his insides are burning up from happiness and pure joy. "you're gross."
bobby laughs and softly smacks hanbin's head before pulling him into his arms, back down into bed.
"you love me."
"yeah." hanbin mumbles, cheek resting comfortably against bobby's chest. "yeah, i do."
'Please don't say that this is the end. If you still love me, please don't leave me. I will try to glue the already broken bowl back together again. I will try to gather to spilt water all together again.'
・°☆.。
"so what happened to donghyuk?" junhwe asks, passing bobby a beer.
bobby takes a swig before setting the bottle down with a small smile.
"there was no donghyuk."
junhwe blinks. "what."
"there was never a donghyuk."
"but. i saw you with him." junhwe frowns. "also, we were at the same party. what am i missing here?"
bobby shrugs, glancing over at hanbin shouting profanities at jinhwan who was currently beating him at super smash brothers mercilessly.
"there was no donghyuk. it was always hanbin."
"i don't get it."
"one day, junhwe, puberty will give you a maturity laxative and you will shit out all this emotional constipation you have built up in your system."
junhwe splutters in indignation as bobby walks off with his beer to settle right behind hanbin, chin resting on his shoulder.
"who's winning?" bobby hums, arms winding around hanbin's waist.
"jinhwan hyung." hanbin huffs, disgruntled as he steals some of bobby's beer.
"it's okay. at least you won my heart, right?"
hanbin proceeds to spit his mouthful of beer out. he now owes jinhwan another wii.
・°☆.。
well, that's over. i used 'i miss you so bad' lyrics as hanbin's sad emo lyrics. they might be out of context, but you get the gist. some personal experience might be sprinkled in some places here and there.
if you don't get the whole "there was no donghyuk" part, then i'm sorry. you will get over the emotional constipation soon. i promise. junhwe will be right there beside you on your journey.
anyways, i hope you guys liked it. comments are very welcomed!