"The reason I keep going...is you." 05/??
Title: "The reason I keep going...is you." 05/??
Pairing: Jongkey
Length: 1890 words
Rating: NC-17 (WARNING: SUICIDE, ABUSE, ATTEMPTED RAPE)
Genre: drama, angst, au
Foreword: Kibum should have been dead by now. That thinning string of sanity that he so desperately clung to finally broke. He wanted to end it. So why isn't he dead?
To say that Kibum was nervous would probably win the award for understatement of the year. How his defenses had crumbled so easily, he will never know. He knew it had something to do with the wide, pleading puppy eyes that Jonghyun pulled on him. Why did he have to play that card? Making things all difficult, Kibum thought. Those goddamn puppy eyes.
Kibum could feel every fiber of his being desperately trying to get him to run, to not go with Jonghyun to the hospital, to not trust the guy at all. He couldn’t run though; there was something holding him back and even a sliver of hope. Hope for what? He didn’t know. He really didn’t. Something about Jonghyun just didn’t allow Kibum to be truly frightened of him, and that was a big feat considering that Kibum usually cowered at anything moving.
He was broken out of his thoughts by a soft tug on his hand and looked up to see those concerned eyes staring at him.
“Are you okay?” the older asked, studying Kibum’s face for any signs of discomfort. It was unnerving for Jonghyun though, to see the face that he imagined would have and should have shown so much sadness... had zero emotion on it again. He looked lost in thought, but there was no accompanying emotion. Just….a blank stare. Jonghyun thought that was even more scary than if Key were to be angry or even violent.
“What? Oh yeah I’m fine, just a bit tired,” Kibum tried to pass it off as being tired. If anybody ever asked how he was -a rare occurrence actually- he could always just say he was tired and they always bought that excuse. But Jonghyun….wasn’t buying it. No, that ever concerned, let-my-try-to-stare-into-your-soul gaze completely betrayed that he was not actually buying the tired excuse. Kibum was genuinely surprised when he didn’t press the subject further, however.
“Okay. Well we’re here,” Jonghyun pointed to the large building in front of them.
Kibum hadn’t even noticed that they had gotten down from the rooftop, crossed quite a few streets and had been walking for at least 20 minutes. Looking at the building in front of them, Kibum suddenly started to feel really ill. His heart beat erratically, he was shaking violently, his stomach churned and-
“Oh god”
***
Jonghyun wasn’t expecting this. He was not expecting Kibum to get so worked up over a hospital visit that he vomited. Kibum looked sick yes, he did not look okay even back at the rooftop. Jonghyun had noticed that he was quite thin; his skinny jeans were almost hanging off him, and they didn’t look to be a big size at all. His face did look a bit sunken. Although he looked sick, Jonghyun still thought he was beautiful. Now though, any and all color had drained from his already pale face.
“Key? Are you going to be okay?”
Kibum couldn’t answer. The panic was getting to him, not being able to breathe wasn’t helping him and he was vomiting his guts in front of Jonghyun. He should have felt embarrassed but he couldn’t think and he felt terribly light headed. The vomiting ceased but he tried to stand up straight, but it didn’t go as planned.
Jonghyun watched Key worriedly; he looked so, so sick. He looked confused, like he wasn’t fully present mentally. That being said, maybe Jonghyun shouldn’t have been shocked when Key’s body fell back to the ground, but then again, who expects such a thing? As he saw Key lose consciousness and fall to the ground right in front of him, he felt like his heart stopped; his blood ran cold. He realized how lucky they were that he passed out right on hospital grounds; Jonghyun scooped up Kibum into his arms, and brought him as fast as he physically could into the emergency room, heart pounding with fear and worry that Kibum wasn’t going to be okay.
***
Light.
Too much light. His pupils did not adjust for too many seconds. His ears weren’t working correctly; sounds were muffled and his brain wasn’t comprehending the words being said. Kibum groaned as his head throbbed. He did not like feeling as if an anvil from the sky dropped on his head. No, this was not an enjoyable feeling in the least bit. He realized he was in the hospital but with this throbbing in his head he couldn’t bring himself to even care.
“Oh thank god you’re awake,” he heard Jonghyun’s beautiful, soothing voice say. Though it was still a little muffled, he could recognize that voice anywhere.
“Jesus christ, you had me worried! It was so sudden and damn Key you really looked sick,“ Jonghyun rambled. “Then when you fainted I had to scoop you up and carry you while running into the emergency room and you know Key I’m not in that good of shape!”
Kibum felt really guilty, but Jonghyun noticed this immediately and stopped talking to hug Kibum instead.
“You know Key, it wasn’t your fault. I’ll let the doctor explain your problem but please don’t feel guilty. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to work out more!” he joked, watching how Key’s eyes showed a hint of amusement.
“Shut up, you puppy-eyed idiot. For fuck’s sake I just woke up. I feel like an anvil dropped on my head and here you are rambling away about needing to work out more and I can assure you you’re body’s fine so-“ Kibum stopped abruptly as he realized what he said, a bit of color showing in his cheeks from embarrassment. He looked at Jonghyun who had a glint of amusement yet slight satisfaction in his eyes.
“Oh you think so do you? I-“ Jonghyun started teasingly, but was cut off as a doctor entered the room.
“Ah, welcome back to consciousness Kibum,” the doctor greeted him awkwardly.
Yeah great. I’m so glad to be here. Kibum thought sarcastically. Lucky for him those words didn’t actually come out of his mouth. Thank god he had a brain-to-mouth filter.
“Thanks.”
“Kibum, I’ll need to talk to you alone,” the doctor began. “There are things that need to be discussed. Jonghyun can you wait outside please?”
Kibum watched as Jonghyun nodded, glancing at Kibum with sympathy and concern in his eyes. Kibum merely forced a tiny smile; really that’s all he could muster at the moment. When Jonghyun walked out, closing the hospital room’s door with a click, the doctor began the conversation that Kibum really did not want to be having. No. Nope. No no no NO.
“My name is Dr. Park. So Kibum, we concluded that you fainted from hypoglycemia; your blood sugar was quite low. We have found through your blood tests that you have anemia and -slight- electrolyte imbalances. You are also quite underweight- can you explain this?”
Kibum shrugged. Like hell was he going to say anything about his father starving him. No, because then they’d find out about the abuse and his father might find out and then-
Dr. Park sighed. “Alright Kibum, you don’t have to disclose the reason behind being underweight right now. But there are other things that we need to discuss- in particular, the bruises and scars that cover your body. What happened to you?” Kibum felt himself freeze in fear. They must have undressed him. Kibum of course they did, you’re in a hospital gown you moron. Dr. Park must have seen the fear and anxiety in his eyes; Kibum figured it must have been written all over his face because the doctor laid a hand on his shoulder in hopes of soothing him. Kibum found himself flinching away automatically- something that did not go unnoticed by the doctor.
“Kibum, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m here to help you. But you need to tell me what’s going on so I can keep you safe.”
“HE FUCKING BEATS ME EVERY DAY!” Kibum snapped without warning, and explosion of his feelings poured out through the tears that slipped from his eyes. “ALMOST EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE SINCE I WAS A CHILD! He’s an alcoholic! He’s starved me for such a long time that I don’t even like food anymore. Last time…last time…” Kibum choked on his own words.
“What happened last time, Kibum? It’s okay, you can tell me.”
“He was angry. Much angrier than usual. He came into my room, punched me in the jaw. I asked him what…what I did this time. He said…” Kibum tried to calm his breathing and emotions, but not to much avail. After a minute of deep breathing he forced out the truth.
“He asked if….if I’m gay….but it was more of an angry statement than it was a question. He seemed to think that raping me would fix me of my homosexuality.”
“He raped you?”
“No, I was lucky enough to fight him off and escape.”
Tears flowed down his cheeks and his breathing quickened too much again as he was forced to recall that night. He could feel the pain, the fear; it was as if he was back in his house reliving it. Before he knew it, he had lost touch with his actual surroundings. All that flooded his mind were flashbacks.
“Hey Key. Key. Key it’s okay listen to me.” Jonghyun’s voice brought him back to reality as his arms wrapped strongly around him. “You’re fine. It will all be okay, I promise.” Kibum looked around at his surroundings. He was still in the hospital. The doctor was still there. Jonghyun was there again. He relaxed in Jonghyun’s comforting hold.
“I brought him back in the room to try to calm you down,” Dr. Park explained. “I just have one more question for you Kibum, then you can rest more, okay?” Nodding to show his reluctant agreement, Kibum couldn’t help but have his nervousness build up again.
“Do you want me to report anything to the-?”
“NO!!!! NO NO NO NO YOU CAN’ T PLEASE DON'T, NO!!!” Kibum cried out fearfully. No, he could not have that happen. His father would…no. Just no.
Jonghyun watched him worriedly, not quite understanding what was going on. He had a feeling that Kibum was abused, but he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to mention it as he figured Kibum would tell him when he was ready; if he was ever going to be ready. Secretly, Jonghyun hoped that the two of them would develop a good relationship. Something attracted Jonghyun to Kibum, he didn’t know what; he just knew that he wanted to always be there for the younger. He wanted to make things okay again. He had never wanted to help someone as much as he wanted to help Kibum.
“I’ll leave you two alone then. Kibum, please try to rest. We will talk about discharging you after running more blood tests later,” Dr. Park stated before walking out of the room. Jonghyun took Kibum’s hand in his own as he softly requested in his wonderful voice that he fall asleep and said that he’ll be here when he wakes up. Comforted by Jonghyun’s hand holding his gently, Kibum started to drift off into sleep, mumbling something about “yeah yeah puppy eyes…” before conking out completely. Jonghyun was quite amused.
“I’ll always be here, Kibum.”
Pairing: Jongkey
Length: 1890 words
Rating: NC-17 (WARNING: SUICIDE, ABUSE, ATTEMPTED RAPE)
Genre: drama, angst, au
Foreword: Kibum should have been dead by now. That thinning string of sanity that he so desperately clung to finally broke. He wanted to end it. So why isn't he dead?
To say that Kibum was nervous would probably win the award for understatement of the year. How his defenses had crumbled so easily, he will never know. He knew it had something to do with the wide, pleading puppy eyes that Jonghyun pulled on him. Why did he have to play that card? Making things all difficult, Kibum thought. Those goddamn puppy eyes.
Kibum could feel every fiber of his being desperately trying to get him to run, to not go with Jonghyun to the hospital, to not trust the guy at all. He couldn’t run though; there was something holding him back and even a sliver of hope. Hope for what? He didn’t know. He really didn’t. Something about Jonghyun just didn’t allow Kibum to be truly frightened of him, and that was a big feat considering that Kibum usually cowered at anything moving.
He was broken out of his thoughts by a soft tug on his hand and looked up to see those concerned eyes staring at him.
“Are you okay?” the older asked, studying Kibum’s face for any signs of discomfort. It was unnerving for Jonghyun though, to see the face that he imagined would have and should have shown so much sadness... had zero emotion on it again. He looked lost in thought, but there was no accompanying emotion. Just….a blank stare. Jonghyun thought that was even more scary than if Key were to be angry or even violent.
“What? Oh yeah I’m fine, just a bit tired,” Kibum tried to pass it off as being tired. If anybody ever asked how he was -a rare occurrence actually- he could always just say he was tired and they always bought that excuse. But Jonghyun….wasn’t buying it. No, that ever concerned, let-my-try-to-stare-into-your-soul gaze completely betrayed that he was not actually buying the tired excuse. Kibum was genuinely surprised when he didn’t press the subject further, however.
“Okay. Well we’re here,” Jonghyun pointed to the large building in front of them.
Kibum hadn’t even noticed that they had gotten down from the rooftop, crossed quite a few streets and had been walking for at least 20 minutes. Looking at the building in front of them, Kibum suddenly started to feel really ill. His heart beat erratically, he was shaking violently, his stomach churned and-
“Oh god”
***
Jonghyun wasn’t expecting this. He was not expecting Kibum to get so worked up over a hospital visit that he vomited. Kibum looked sick yes, he did not look okay even back at the rooftop. Jonghyun had noticed that he was quite thin; his skinny jeans were almost hanging off him, and they didn’t look to be a big size at all. His face did look a bit sunken. Although he looked sick, Jonghyun still thought he was beautiful. Now though, any and all color had drained from his already pale face.
“Key? Are you going to be okay?”
Kibum couldn’t answer. The panic was getting to him, not being able to breathe wasn’t helping him and he was vomiting his guts in front of Jonghyun. He should have felt embarrassed but he couldn’t think and he felt terribly light headed. The vomiting ceased but he tried to stand up straight, but it didn’t go as planned.
Jonghyun watched Key worriedly; he looked so, so sick. He looked confused, like he wasn’t fully present mentally. That being said, maybe Jonghyun shouldn’t have been shocked when Key’s body fell back to the ground, but then again, who expects such a thing? As he saw Key lose consciousness and fall to the ground right in front of him, he felt like his heart stopped; his blood ran cold. He realized how lucky they were that he passed out right on hospital grounds; Jonghyun scooped up Kibum into his arms, and brought him as fast as he physically could into the emergency room, heart pounding with fear and worry that Kibum wasn’t going to be okay.
***
Light.
Too much light. His pupils did not adjust for too many seconds. His ears weren’t working correctly; sounds were muffled and his brain wasn’t comprehending the words being said. Kibum groaned as his head throbbed. He did not like feeling as if an anvil from the sky dropped on his head. No, this was not an enjoyable feeling in the least bit. He realized he was in the hospital but with this throbbing in his head he couldn’t bring himself to even care.
“Oh thank god you’re awake,” he heard Jonghyun’s beautiful, soothing voice say. Though it was still a little muffled, he could recognize that voice anywhere.
“Jesus christ, you had me worried! It was so sudden and damn Key you really looked sick,“ Jonghyun rambled. “Then when you fainted I had to scoop you up and carry you while running into the emergency room and you know Key I’m not in that good of shape!”
Kibum felt really guilty, but Jonghyun noticed this immediately and stopped talking to hug Kibum instead.
“You know Key, it wasn’t your fault. I’ll let the doctor explain your problem but please don’t feel guilty. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to work out more!” he joked, watching how Key’s eyes showed a hint of amusement.
“Shut up, you puppy-eyed idiot. For fuck’s sake I just woke up. I feel like an anvil dropped on my head and here you are rambling away about needing to work out more and I can assure you you’re body’s fine so-“ Kibum stopped abruptly as he realized what he said, a bit of color showing in his cheeks from embarrassment. He looked at Jonghyun who had a glint of amusement yet slight satisfaction in his eyes.
“Oh you think so do you? I-“ Jonghyun started teasingly, but was cut off as a doctor entered the room.
“Ah, welcome back to consciousness Kibum,” the doctor greeted him awkwardly.
Yeah great. I’m so glad to be here. Kibum thought sarcastically. Lucky for him those words didn’t actually come out of his mouth. Thank god he had a brain-to-mouth filter.
“Thanks.”
“Kibum, I’ll need to talk to you alone,” the doctor began. “There are things that need to be discussed. Jonghyun can you wait outside please?”
Kibum watched as Jonghyun nodded, glancing at Kibum with sympathy and concern in his eyes. Kibum merely forced a tiny smile; really that’s all he could muster at the moment. When Jonghyun walked out, closing the hospital room’s door with a click, the doctor began the conversation that Kibum really did not want to be having. No. Nope. No no no NO.
“My name is Dr. Park. So Kibum, we concluded that you fainted from hypoglycemia; your blood sugar was quite low. We have found through your blood tests that you have anemia and -slight- electrolyte imbalances. You are also quite underweight- can you explain this?”
Kibum shrugged. Like hell was he going to say anything about his father starving him. No, because then they’d find out about the abuse and his father might find out and then-
Dr. Park sighed. “Alright Kibum, you don’t have to disclose the reason behind being underweight right now. But there are other things that we need to discuss- in particular, the bruises and scars that cover your body. What happened to you?” Kibum felt himself freeze in fear. They must have undressed him. Kibum of course they did, you’re in a hospital gown you moron. Dr. Park must have seen the fear and anxiety in his eyes; Kibum figured it must have been written all over his face because the doctor laid a hand on his shoulder in hopes of soothing him. Kibum found himself flinching away automatically- something that did not go unnoticed by the doctor.
“Kibum, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m here to help you. But you need to tell me what’s going on so I can keep you safe.”
“HE FUCKING BEATS ME EVERY DAY!” Kibum snapped without warning, and explosion of his feelings poured out through the tears that slipped from his eyes. “ALMOST EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE SINCE I WAS A CHILD! He’s an alcoholic! He’s starved me for such a long time that I don’t even like food anymore. Last time…last time…” Kibum choked on his own words.
“What happened last time, Kibum? It’s okay, you can tell me.”
“He was angry. Much angrier than usual. He came into my room, punched me in the jaw. I asked him what…what I did this time. He said…” Kibum tried to calm his breathing and emotions, but not to much avail. After a minute of deep breathing he forced out the truth.
“He asked if….if I’m gay….but it was more of an angry statement than it was a question. He seemed to think that raping me would fix me of my homosexuality.”
“He raped you?”
“No, I was lucky enough to fight him off and escape.”
Tears flowed down his cheeks and his breathing quickened too much again as he was forced to recall that night. He could feel the pain, the fear; it was as if he was back in his house reliving it. Before he knew it, he had lost touch with his actual surroundings. All that flooded his mind were flashbacks.
“Hey Key. Key. Key it’s okay listen to me.” Jonghyun’s voice brought him back to reality as his arms wrapped strongly around him. “You’re fine. It will all be okay, I promise.” Kibum looked around at his surroundings. He was still in the hospital. The doctor was still there. Jonghyun was there again. He relaxed in Jonghyun’s comforting hold.
“I brought him back in the room to try to calm you down,” Dr. Park explained. “I just have one more question for you Kibum, then you can rest more, okay?” Nodding to show his reluctant agreement, Kibum couldn’t help but have his nervousness build up again.
“Do you want me to report anything to the-?”
“NO!!!! NO NO NO NO YOU CAN’ T PLEASE DON'T, NO!!!” Kibum cried out fearfully. No, he could not have that happen. His father would…no. Just no.
Jonghyun watched him worriedly, not quite understanding what was going on. He had a feeling that Kibum was abused, but he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to mention it as he figured Kibum would tell him when he was ready; if he was ever going to be ready. Secretly, Jonghyun hoped that the two of them would develop a good relationship. Something attracted Jonghyun to Kibum, he didn’t know what; he just knew that he wanted to always be there for the younger. He wanted to make things okay again. He had never wanted to help someone as much as he wanted to help Kibum.
“I’ll leave you two alone then. Kibum, please try to rest. We will talk about discharging you after running more blood tests later,” Dr. Park stated before walking out of the room. Jonghyun took Kibum’s hand in his own as he softly requested in his wonderful voice that he fall asleep and said that he’ll be here when he wakes up. Comforted by Jonghyun’s hand holding his gently, Kibum started to drift off into sleep, mumbling something about “yeah yeah puppy eyes…” before conking out completely. Jonghyun was quite amused.
“I’ll always be here, Kibum.”